Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Chattering Teeth's Alternate Universe - Hey, it could happen! Starring Michael Vick, President Obama (and BO posthumously)

Obama phones Eagles' owner and offers his praise for giving "the troubled star quarterback a fresh start"

OBAMA: So many people who serve time never get a fair second chance. it's never a level playing field for prisoners when they get out of jail.

So "Ookie" tortured and killed a few dogs from 2001 to 2007. What's the big deal? it's not like he single-handedly destroyed the U.S. economy in two short years, or something. The man deserves another chance to earn a few meager $Million.

FAST FORWARD 6 months...
Michael Vick press conference

VICK: I totally misinterpretted President Obama's comments back in December, 2010. I really thought he was giving me the green light to try my hand at competitive canine cage fighting again. For future reference, neutered Portuguese Water Dogs can't fight for sh*&.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Friday, December 24, 2010

Dear Blog, It's Christmas Eve and I haven't started my Christmas shopping yet

I know, I know. That is a popular statement made by numerous males this time of year, whether in casual conversation or as their Facebook profile meant to illicit boisterous insincere laughter. You know the drill... "Plenty of time"... "it's early"... HAHAHA!

It's a truism to say that most men hate shopping while most women love it. Take the Facebook example above. It would not be unusual to see a female with a status update proudly proclaiming, "Just completed my Christmas shopping" sometime in April.

Men are usually the ones who procrastinate. Why? Because they HATE shopping. You never see a male Facebook update stating something like, "I know it's late in the 3rd quarter, but I just haven't gotten around to watching that Super Bowl. Plenty of time... It's early. Call me at the 2-minute warning."

DISCLAIMER: For the record, I know there are exceptions to all generalizations, and I don't mean to imply that those males who love to Christmas shop are somehow great candidates for the new U.S. military.

Blog: So are you one of them procrapinators, or simply an athletiest?

Uhhh... neither (I don't think). I am not "procrastinating" because, unlike Christmas Eve's past, I have no intention of making that last-minute retail run spending money I don't have on crap nobody needs. You see blog, not only have I not started my Christmas shopping, I am done.

As for being an "athletiest", I guess I am, if by that you mean that I don't believe in exercise. However, if you meant "atheist" as in not believing in the reason for the season, than I am completely innocent of this charge. In fact, according to this latest Gallup poll, I am one of the "43.7% of the adult population" considered to be "Very Religious".

Blog: How can that be? Isn't it true that it is better to give than to receive? How can you call yourself a Christian and not participate in this orgy of spending?

If it is better to give than to receive, then wouldn't it be true that I would be doing a disservice to the recipients of my philanthropy for the sole purpose of pleasuring myself in my giving? Wouldn't that be considered selfish?

Blog: I kinda see where you're going with that. But what about the poor?

Are there no prisons? Are there no work houses? Just kidding! Unlike liberal hypocrites who believe in confiscatory "giving" through governmental redistribution - yet who give little or no personal charitable contributions themselves - I do throw alms into the collection plate at church each week. I might add that, since the wife and I were both laid off this year, each dollar we give is coming out of my IRA (batteries, taxes and penalties not yet included).

Blog: What about your kids? Won't they be dissappointed tomorrow to find their stockings empty and the tree giftless?

Who said anything about there being no presents for the kids? I simply stated that I did not participate in any Christmas shopping this year. The lovely wife, however, cannot make this same boast. Of course, this has been mostly true every year. Mrs. DaBlade has always done the shopping - except in year's past, I would make the Christmas Eve dash for her gift.

This year, I looked into her beautiful green eyes, drinking in those pools of peace and tranquility, while she looked into my bloodshot orbs bordering madness nestled above my puffy dark eye bags, and we decided that we wouldn't be exchanging gifts this year due to our economic situation.

I have never enjoyed the Christmas season as much as I have this one.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Last one out please unplug the frayed, duct-taped extension cord

I've been back in Michigan since late October and I still get an occasional, "Hey, aren't you working in Minnesota or Wisconsin or somewhere?" When I tell them I am back permanently and they ask, "why?" - here is what I tell them.

Think of the "Remember when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor" scene from Animal House. You know the very end where Bluto says, "who's with me? Let's go! C'mon... AHHHH!" and runs out the door solo?

Yeah, that was me.

Speaking of population shifts - According to this AP story:
"(the 2010 census) found the nation's population growing more slowly than in past decades but still shifting to the South and West."

The big winner is Texas, which gets 4 new US House seats While Michigan gets it's very own map color.
Look at the bright side. A lost, red Mitten is easier to find in the snow than a light blue one. I am not exactly sure what I mean by this, but if you scratch your chin and contemplate this metafornalogy thingy's deeper meaning, I'm sure you will find it brilliant.

Hmmm... let's see if I have this straight. If more seats are in fact a good thing... and the number of seats are tied to the population... and the population growth in Texas is related to a "surge of Hispanic residents"... then Michigan just needs to figure out how to attract a surge of Canadians by the next census.

Maybe leave out a case of Red Cap Ale or fry up some back-bacon? That always seemed to attract a protracted visit from my mom's cousin Bill, eh? OK, so some things just aren't worth the price.

So why is Michigan the only state to have lost population (54,000 residents over the past decade), and is that necessarily a bad thing?
First, I'm not sure that I readily accept the premise that Michigan's population balloon is deflating. How accurate are these census numbers after all? It is tough enough for the government to gain the cooperation of law-abiding citizens in these counts (*snicker*) let alone getting an accurate count of your typical islamofacist terrorist or serial killer. They are usual ducking during the head count.

"'Blade, wouldn't this be true wherever they live?"

Sure, but are you presuming an even distribution of al qaeda operatives? I would contend there are more of them here because, hey - where better to blend in?

Then again, I'm seeing a bright side here. Fewer people means more vacant homes. The more vacant homes there are, the more opportunities for me to illegally draw electricity through my frayed, duct-taped extension cord hooked up to an outdoor outlet on the garage of the vacant house next door so that I may power up my life-saving Christmas lights... hypothetically.

Monday, December 20, 2010

DaBlade's WeakyLeaks Part II - for you home Improvement do-it-yourselfers

Whether you are a young man who is new to home improvement and having just purchased a starter home fixer-upper moneypit, or you are hypothetically a middle-aged man who's home improvement skills have atrophied over the last 10 years due to living in your dream new build that required no maintenance - but you have since lost that house after losing your job of 30+ years as a result of the implosion of the newspaper industry (again, as a hypothetical example) and you downsize to an older home that requires a little TLC, you have come to the right place.

When last we met to discuss home improvement projects,
I went over the installation of 4" aluminum ductwork (as well as the accompanying emergency first aid), and kitchen and bathroom caulking projects (as well as the unexpected caulking of your upper and lower torso).

The first topic on today's agenda is prioritizing your project list. For you married fellas, it is highly recommended that you first consult with your loving spouse as to what she would like accomplished first. In my case, my wife made clear she wanted the clothes dryer vented (check), the above range microwave and dishwasher installed, a garbage disposal hookup as well as the entire house painted - with a working timeline of all projects to be completed by the end of the first day we moved in a few weeks ago.

I am slightly behind schedule, but I can explain. Working with my wife's list, I immediately understood that I would need a working garage door opener for proper egress and ingress of materials for her more important projects. To accomplish this task, it is imperative that you follow my...

Step-by-step guideline for proper garage door opener installation.

Step 1: Complain to your father-in-law that "the f*(&ing garage door doesn't work.

Step 2: Have your father-in-law line up one of his bowling league buddies who just happens to be a retired professional garage door installer of 50 years and offers to do this job for free.

Step 3: Light a cigar and watch over this gentleman's shoulder as he expertly installs your gagrage door opener while he swaps grandchildren stories with your father-in-law.

NOTE: It is always imperative that you have the correct tools for any job. If you do not happen to have a father-in-law who bowls with a retired professional garage door installer, then I don't know what to tell you.

Next up, the garbage disposal installation. There are many makes and models of units, with varying guideliens. This being the case, I would simply refer you to the directions.

NOTE: If your directions come in English on the front few pages, and what I think is Spanish on the last few pages, FOLLOW THE SPANISH INSTRUCTIONS, especially if you have never studied it and can only count to "tres" because of Sesame Street. Why do I say this? Because men typically will not read the instructions anyways, but may feel over-confident when browsing the English section. My theory is that you are less apt to have as many leftover pieces when following the foreign language instructions because you will probably look at the diagrams that much more intently.

Oh well, what use could this rubber thingy possibly have?

Next comes the installation of the dishwasher.

Step 1: If you're on a tight budget because you're not yet quite 50 years old and are jobless and living off of what was supposed to be your retirement, simply pull that father-in-law out of your tool belt and have him find a $25 used dishwasher in the "Big Buck ads".
* a father-in-law tool is handier than a good set of adjustable rubber-grip channellocks.

Step 2: Quickly determine that the 15amp romex power cable that is split three ways before it makes it's way to the dishwasher cabinet is probably not sufficient, unless your goal is to continuosly throw the breaker and/or eventually burn down the house.

Step 3: Seek out a professional looking fellow wearing an apron and wandering around in the Electrical Department at your local Home Depot. Impress him with your knowledge by explaining the situation to him in technical terms, detailing that you are sure you need to drop a dedicated "16 amp or 16 and-a-half amp wire thingy from the fuse box, whatever it takes".

Once again, it is imperative that you follow my...

Step-by-step guideline for installing a new breaker and a 20 amp 12/2 cable.

Step 4A: Quickly determine that years of pushing a pencil is not proper training for even removing the console bolts from the breaker box, let alone installing a new breaker and romex cable, and that professional help is needed once again.

Step 4B: Complain to your older brother who is an attorney that you have to get into the breaker box, and you are sure you will f*(&ing electrocute yourself.

Step 4C: Have your brother send over a professional electrician who owes your brother money for legal work to drop said line.

NOTE: If you do not happen to have a brother who is an attorney and has an electrician who owes him money, then I don't know what to tell you. Again, the proper tool thingy people!

Step 5: Have the father-in-law complete the water and electric hookup and you are good to go.

There. Today's tutorial gave you very explicit instructions on the installation of dishwashers, garbage disposals and garage doors. Now go take on those projects with confidence!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

My Message to Obama: "I wish I knew how to quit you"

I am not a big proponent of heterosexuals openly serving in the military.

Hey DaBlade, don't you mean that you are not a proponent of homosexuals in the military?

Them either...

The purpose of the military is to kill our nation's enemies and to blow sh*& up, and I just feel that this activity is "asexual" in nature. I would think that any public displays of affection between a man and a woman gets in the way of this mission.

That said, I recognize that "war is hell", and our ladies and gentlemen serving us honorably occasionally need a little "R&R". "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy", right? I just think that "Hotlips and Frank" should take "it" to the supply closet. If they don't tell, I sure the hell ain't askin'.

I would also be in favor of this same policy to be in place with respect to homosexuals in the military. I don't really care if Hawkeye has a willing Radar bent over in the latrene, I just don't see the need for this "serving openly" caveat. What does that mean anyways? I guess I just don't understand how putting up chiffon and lace curtains in the barracks will help in our war efforts.

This repeal of DADT, with amnesty for illegal future democrat voters next up - illustrates the priorities of Obama, Reid, Pelosi and company. With the economy in tatters and joblessness and hopelessness on the rise, they choose to spend their time on this crap.

The lame duck dems continue to ignore the message in November elections by perpetrating mass policy rape against us by jamming through - or attempting to jam through - all of their twisted "holiday tree" ornaments.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Flint homicide count at 62. A new record, beating the total of 61 murders set in 1986 and justifying it's "lofty" 4th position on the 2010 list of Most Dangerous Cities, per the CQ Press.

How sad, but so utterly predictable. This is a direct result of the incremental rot that is liberalism and your democrat party at work. Their systematic and purposeful destruction of the American family for the purpose of supplanting it has led to this hopelessness and chaos in the streets. The "Progressive" movement has been most destructive to the African-American population, as evidenced by this murder rate. Rare is the occasion here where a child is born into a family consisting of a mother and father who are actually married, and who all regularly attend weekly church service to give thanks to God.

Michelle Obama: Oh come now DaBlade! ‘We Can’t Just Leave It Up To The Parents

Hillary Clinton: Yah! It takes a village!

Flint, Michigan - The birthplace of General Motors, the UAW and yours truly. Thankfully, I was born into a family consisting of a married mother and father and we went to church. It used to be the norm, not the exception around these parts. Let me ask you a serious question... When is the last time the mother of a "New Year's Baby" in Flint even knew who the father was? Oh well, does the "winner" still get a $50 savings bond? Can't get much crack for that.

PICTURED: My dad arresting my brother Donnie for not cleaning his room, or something.

My father was a police officer, then a homicide detective for the City of Flint during my formative years in the 60s and 70s. Back then, the annual murder tallies probably averaged between 40 and 50 something - back when the city had almost double the population. I remember my dad saying he was thankful he never had to shoot anyone, though he had numerous dangerous close calls. He was never shot either, though once when he was working a second job as a late night under-cover detective at a JC Penny, he was stabbed in the hand by a woman attempting to shoplift an expensive winter coat.

I can't recall all of my father's exciting cop stories, but I cherish the one's I do. I remember waking up in my bunk bed to a ringing phone in the middle of the night and my dad pulling out of the driveway a short time later, as he headed to the freshest murder scene. I remember the department issued 38 caliber revolver sticking out of it's holster under my dad's sports jacket when he got home from work. I remember that he loved the "Dirty Harry" movies and TV's Columbo, but despised Cagney and Lacey.

PICTURED: Thats me in the front between my mom and my sister. My dad took this picture of us at Bishop airport, right before he hopped a plane to somewhere for a prisoner escort.

I remember crying on the way home after watching the plane disappear into the clouds and me thinking I would never see him again. He died shortly after my baby brother Donnie was killed by a drunk driver in 1988. My mother is with them, having died just a few years ago. I think of them often and remember fondly the Christmases of long, long ago.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Two Drudge-linked stories I found interesting accompanied by totally unrelated and randomly selected videos

STORY #1The real-life Da Vinci Code:
Historians discover tiny numbers and letters in the eyes of the Mona Lisa. Hidden in the dark paint of her pupils are tiny... numbers, placed there by the artist Leonardo da Vinci and revealed only now thanks to high-­magnification techniques. The revelation could have come straight from the pages of Dan Brown’s best-seller The Da Vinci Code, in which the Mona Lisa is said to contain hidden clues about the Holy Grail.
What do these seemingly random numbers mean?

A 72-year-old Romanian woman who had a daughter when she was 66 is planning to have a second child.

Is that a good idea?

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Lions "victory" under review

The Midwest winter storm was just a cool shower compared to the cold shoulder the Detroit Lions gave to the visiting Packers. Lion's third string quarterback, Drew Stanton, lit up the scoreboard with several (seven) points to the Pack's three to end a 19-game losing streak against division opponents. Oh, and there will be a Monday Night Football game played at Ford Field!

Yes, I am aware that it's between the Minnesota Vikings and New York Giants, a game which was moved to Detroit because of the Metrodome collapse, but still... MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL IN DETROIT! Hell hath finally frozen solid baby!

Wait. I know better than this. I've watched the Lions snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory too many times to count.

There might yet be a late flag. The league may put this game under review for no other reason than a Lions victory is suspicious. Something is bound to happen here to give the Pack the win. It may be determined that the Lions did not complete the victory through the entire process (whatever that means).

Wait for it...

Thursday, December 9, 2010

High School Hockey Tournament Weekend

Looking forward to some Top-flight hockey on tap at Division 3 Challenge this weekend in Gaylord, Michigan. Good luck boys! Go Flint Powers!

This is a big reason I came back. Blogging temporarily interrupted for my weekend festivities...

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Calling Doctor Elvis!

The title of this news story (Doc dressed as Elvis revives Vegas marathon runner) pretty much tells you all you need to know.

We do learn this additional information from the story:
* A female runner passed out at the Mandalay Burger Bar in Las Vegas.
* The "Doc" who administered the CPR is an anesthesiologist
* He was wearing an Elvis jumpsuit, sideburns and scarf.
* The revived woman gave him a weird look and told him she was OK.
* Oh, he also got married at a run-thru chapel during the race.

Any questions?

As usual, I have some.

Was the good doctor dressed as the young and spry Elvis, or was he the fat E? One might assume he was the former, since he was running in this half-marathon. But that would wrongly assume there are no Morbidly Obese Runners. (If you make the mistake of actually clicking the prior link, I bet you "a dollar to a donut" you don't make it through the entire clip).

Also, is it a good idea to consume a bacon double cheeseburger after running 13 miles? OK, so we don't know that is what she ate, but I think it's safe to assume this woman didn't order fruit and a Gatorade at the Burger Bar.

See, this is exactly why I don't run 13 miles.

Was the doctor and his wife married by an Elvis impersonator at the run-thru chapel? Suspicious Minds want to know.

Some things will have to remain a mystery. It must be true that what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

The play on words in the first sentence of the story using Elvis' hit "Blue Suede Shoes" reminded me of that 1975 song parody titled "Mr. Jaws" by Dickie Goodman. For some reason, I remember thinking that the shark from Jaws answering a reporter's questions with other popular song clips was absolutely hilarious back in the day. Remember... "We are here on the beach..."?

Made me wonder what Dickie would do with the Doctor Elvis story above if he had to relay it using only Elvis song titles...

Dickie: Hello once again everyone, it's your action news reporter on the scene at the Mandaly Burger Bar in Las Vegas with the lady who was just resuscitated by Elvis.
Lady: Viva Las Vegas.
Dickie: Indeed. So what happened?

Lady: I'm in this marathon just Blowin' In The Wind and I thought to myself, "You Better Run because They say that True Love Travels On A Gravel Road". That's when I Got A Feelin' In My Body. A Tender Feeling.
Dickie: That's When Your Heartaches Begin?
Lady: Almost. I was thinking I Need Somebody To Lean On, then I Slipped I Stumbled I Fell.
Dickie: Hurt?
Lady: How Do You Think I Feel?
Dickie: All Shook Up... One Broken Heart For Sale.
Lady: Don't Be Cruel.
Dickie: Relax.

Dr. Elvis: That's when I Come Along. "Patch It Up,"," I thought.
Lady: I'm thinking It's Over... Help Me Make It Through The Night.
Dickie:What did you do doc?
Dr. Elvis: When in doubt, Shake Rattle and Roll.

Lady: That's when I opened my Spanish Eyes and saw this Lonesome Cowboy. I said, "Who Are You (Who Am I)?"
Dr. Elvis: So I says, "You Don't Know Me but Welcome To My World".
Lady: You're The Reason I'm Living.
Dr. Elvis: That's All Right mama. I'm just a Big Hunk O' Love.
Lady: I got weirded out by that, so I says, "Release Me."
Dr. Elvis: Reconsider Baby.
Lady: It's Now Or Never... My Wish Came True. He Let Me go.

Dickie: Saved... How Great Thou Art!
Dr. Elvis: I Did It My Way for sure. Happy Ending.
Lady: Only The Strong Survive... I've Got A Lot O' Livin' To Do.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Some things are just better when they come in pairs.

Welcome to Decembrow.
Inspired by “Movember”, where male participants grow mustaches during the month of November for the purpose of raising money and awareness to fight prostate cancer, feministing.com is encouraging their female readers to grow a unibrow for "the cause of (their) choice".

"Decembrow is, of course, all about the brow. Specifically, the unibrow."


Per the article's author, DECEMBROW is all about "challenging cultural norms about women’s facial hair". Really? What about a cause? Sounds to me like these ladies are "chomping at the bit" to put "the cart in front of the horse" here, just so they can get their testosterone on.

Hmmm. As a victim of over-active brow follicle growth since childhood, I should warn you ladies that unibrows are not all glitter and glamour like they sound. Sure, what lady wouldn't want to be mistaken for Abe Vigoda in drag? It's just that it reeks havoc on the posture.

I shudder to think what could be next for these women.

At least The Ladies of the Lingerie Football League
seem to hold a contrarian view.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Game Of Thrones (HBO Teaser)

George R.R. Martin's masterpiece fantasy series, A Song of Ice and Fire, is coming to HBO and I CAN'T WAIT!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Charles Manson Caught "Hexting" with Smuggled Cell Phone

Charles Manson Caught With Cell Phone in Prison
The murderous cult leader was caught with an LG flip phone under his mattress, and it was determined that he had made numerous calls and sent text messages to people in California, New Jersey, Florida and British Columbia.

We all have our own unique talents and natural gifts. Some folks express themselves through their art, music, words, etc. Manson's talent is an uncanny ability to persuade folks to kill for him. The story doesn't state the purpose for Charlie's calls - but if I had to guess - Charlie's got a Smart Phone and now Janie's got a gun.

Maybe Manson's purpose was purely innocuous. It could be that he got caught up in the latest FaceBook fad to go viral and he was simply changing his profile picture to his favorite cartoon character per the instructions.

This is not the first time Manson has gotten his hands on a cell phone. Last year, a friend recorded one of Manson’s bizarre calls, and the audio of this catchy tune can be found at this link.

Granted, Manson's gravelly voice belting out "I've seen the world spinning 'round on fire" is not exactly as uplifting as the melodious voice of Johnny Mathis crooning "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire". Nor does "I've danced and sang in the devils choir" paint the same word picture as "Yuletide carols being sung by a choir". I guess we all celebrate the season in our own way.

Just be wary if you get a call from a fella wanting to sell you a used furnace cheap...

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Home Improvement WeakyLeaks for those do-it-yourselfers

The title of this post is in no way to make light of the sensitive data dump by that sissified effeminate waif, Julian Assmassage (or whatever his name is) that is being hailed by anarchists, pimply-faced parent's basement-dwelling dweebs, and secretly applauded by Obama and his administration (sorry for the repetitive redundancy). It's just that I've been tied up with my own "data dump" of trying to jam 3,200 square feet of accumulated necessities into half the space and haven't had time to sufficiently demonstrate my bloggiliciousness to my demanding fans (much to Interpol's chagrin).

That said, I have "leaked" some critical information from my undisclosed location to my Facebook friends over this past week and would be derelict in my webitudinal duties if I didn't at least share some of this with you before access is cut or I lose my blogahaulic's license. So without further delay... if anyone asks, you didn't hear the following from me:

DaBlade's Home Improvement WeakyLeaks for those do-it-yourselfers
1) The 4" dryer ductwork pieces found at Home Depot do not fit together as advertised without a substantial amount of blood loss, especially when working with over-sized hands in enclosed basement rafters. The crimped end of said pieces (made from extremely sharp-edged aluminum as it turns out) gives the illusion of a quick and painless job under the bright store fluorescents, but do not be fooled. It would seem to me that a country that could produce engineers bright enough to stage the Apollo moonlandings on top secret and state-of-the-art movie sets over one hundred years ago could make duct pieces that easily slide together. Thank God for duct tape! Not that the enclosed space allowed me to wrap and secure the seam between the two pieces of duct (each with exactly matching circumferences down to the atomic level). But the duct tape did serve to secure my impromptu tourniquet before I lost consciousness.

2) When caulking bathtubs, kitchen sinks and countertops, it is imperative that you accurately estimate the amount of caulk needed, then multiply this by a factor of three. I did not do this and ended up running out and having to make an additional trip to Home Depot as I failed to consider that some of the caulk would not end up smeared all over my entire body. The good news is that I am guaranteed not to leak, shrink or crack for the next ten years.

3) A two-car garage can be very handy here in Michigan, especially with winter fast approaching. I know I'll be content with the knowledge that the several hundred boxes of miscellaneous household wares that currently occupy every square inch of garage space (and probably will until next summer) is high and dry, as I scrape the ice from the windshields parked in the drive in sub-zero temperatures.

That's all the time I have for now. Believe me, there are many more home improvement stories, and I may share some along the way - though it's tough to blog in traction. In the meantime, I am reposting below a short "change of email address" notification I recently sent out. I fear I may have missed some of you, so please take copious notes.

Dear Friend,
I have a new email address. I am not bragging. Nor am I complaining. I am simply informing. It requires no action on your part. You may simply click "delete" and this will go away. You never have to think about it again. Or, you could take 10 seconds and update your address book. Up to you. It's still a semi-free country... unless your flying somewhere. Did you know that almost half of us use either Outlook or Outlook Express for their email? I'm an Outlook Express guy at home. (I have a brother that uses Eudora. Would you be surprised to learn that so do 10% of you?) I also have a few web-based email addresses, but I synched those up so they get downloaded by my Outlook Express. Besides, my free web-based email addresses and the two other domain-related email addresses I have are not changing. However, if you try to send me an email some day at the Charter address, one of two things will happen. You will receive a bounce-back error message of some sort stating that the email address is no longer in service. The other possibility is that someone else will have claimed that email address and they will receive your correspondence that was meant for me. They may become confused and wonder who you are and how it is that they owe you money. Of the two possibilities above, I think it most likely that you will receive an error message that the address is no longer valid. I mean, I would suspect that the universe of folks who would be interested in possessing my old Charter email address is limited to the number of "Jerry Carlsons" in the population. Not "Gerry" or "Jeri"... not even "Gerald", though that is my legal name. I can't imagine a "Robert Hughes" in Portland, Oregon, for example, being interested in acquiring my old email address. Unless "Jerry Carlson" is his nickname, and what are the odds of that? Not surprisingly, I was able to retain the "jerrycarlson" portion of my email address that appears in front of the "@" sign, and only change the domain from "charter.net" to "comcast.net". Easy, right? If that address wasn't available, my next choice was going to be "roberthughes @ comcast.net". That may have been tougher to remember for some of you. Of course, that may have been advantageous, right? You'd be like: "I WOULD have invited you to the party, Jerry, but I just couldn't remember that email address"... and I'd be like, "Quit being a smart@$$! I'm sure I sent you an email informing you that I was changing my email address!" Thankfully, we don't need to have that uncomfortable verbal altercation in the future because I didn't have to go with the "roberthughes" address thingy. However, if we do have that spat in the future over something else entirely, let me just apologize in advance. I just don't know what is going to come over me to cause me to act that way! Anyways, I am sending this short little announcement out to those individuals in my address book who have ever sent me an email at some point in the last decade... even that wealthy Nigerian businessman who continues to need help moving his vast fortune from his homeland and has been willing to fork over a few million to anyone who could help him. Sorry I couldn't help dude... I've been really busy. But don't ever give up your dream, sir! "Believe and you can achieve!," I say. In fact, whenever I am having a bad day and feeling sorry for myself, I just think of this poor foreign fella who can't find a ride over here because he doesn't have enough luggage to fit all of his gold bars, or something. So in conclusion, there is something I've been wanting to tell you and I just couldn't gather the courage... until now... here goes... "I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, and on a slitted sheet I sit." There. Feels good getting that off my chest. Hope you all had a fantastic Thanksgiving with family and friends, and may you have a Blessed Christmas season!" Oh, I almost forgot... my new email address is jerrycarlson at comcast dot net
...and that's all I got to say about that.


In all seriousness, I owe many thanks for the help and well-wishes for the support I have received over the course of this very trying year. First and foremost, my wife, who has kept her sense of humor through all of my mood swings and has repeatedly reminded me of what is really important. Mega-thanks to my brother and sister-in-law, Bernie and Kristi for you know what. I can't EVER repay you. Just kidding, I'll repay you, but you know what I mean. Thanks also to my in-laws for their love and support (and use of their one-ton truck). Thanks to Cousin John for use of the 12-foot enclosed trailer, and to my cousin - the good dr. hirkimer - for use of his heavy-duty dolly (and also that large wheeled cart used for moving things). Thank you brother Snap for moving that refridgerator the day before Thanksgiving (among other things). Thanks to Pic Pic, for teaching me many years ago that no home improvement project was complete without the multi-versatile drywall mud compound (turns out that when it dries on wounds after they've sufficiently clotted - it acts as a very adequate new skin product). Thanks to all my Flint Journal and Sheboygan Press friends, and to you - my blog readers, who allow me to stretch my funnybone on occasion.

I gotta go. Seems there is a curtain rod that needs wrestling.