Monday, July 30, 2012

Obama refuses to acknowledge moon flag

NASA photos prove humans reached the moon.

Stunning satellite photographs also prove Obama is not impressed.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Obamacare equals new army of paralegals and IRS agents so this gaffe is understandable.

When over 20 people collapsed at a campaign event for President Obama in Roanoke, Virginia this past Friday, Obama misspoke and asked if there were any "paralegals" in the house.

 He obviously MEANT "paramedics". The media has rightfully ignored this gaffe. because it's a liberals intentions that matter and NOT results. Give him a break! It's not like he misspelled potato people.

So While the rightwing extremists waste time bringing this up, an asthmatic might be suffering for lack of a "breathalyzer".

If this fictitious and composite asthmatic becomes just another "corpseman", uhhhh Corpsman? the blood is on your hands rightwingers!

Saturday, July 14, 2012

The First Snack President of the United Bakes of America

Hello again boys aaaaaaand girls. As I told CBS News earlier this week, what this country really needs from me is a good story. Now some people claim thaaaat... all I do is make shit up boys and girls. But I say "Jobs Schmobs", it's storytelling time again!

(NOTE: Dear Reader, I realize that the prior paragraph is heavily blogged down with links used as sourcing for the material used here as evidence in the possible future trial, DaBlade vs. The United Socialist States of Amerikka, and if you're like me, you usually ignore those links and move on. However, the last link above, "it's storytelling time again!" is worth a look. Seriously, this guy is good!!!)
So pull up your pillows, sit cross legged with your hands tucked under your chins, look dreamily into my eyes and I'll read you this story. It's titled...

 "Dreams of My Fodder"
 Once upon a time, there was a snack named Barry. He lived in the United Bakes of America, a land overfloweth with carbs and fiber. It was populated by legal imi-ingredients from all over the world's bakeries.

There were Crumpets of British origin, French Baguettes, Japanese Anpans, Flatbreads - leavened and unleavened - from places like Turkey, China and Pokystaan, just to name a few. More and more, there were also undocumented Tortilla recipes from Mexico. But mostly there were European white breads, boys and girls


"Haha! save some of that for the Bagels boys and girls!"

Now Barry was not only a snack, he was REALLY half a cracker, but Barry and his friends hated to acknowledge his cracker side. (Don’t Call It a Cracker: Wheat Thins Prefers to Be Billed as a Snack) Barry grew up and became the first snack president of the United Bakes. (Yaaaaah!)
"I'm skinny, but I'm tough!," Barry liked to say. "All the better to hold the cream cheese I'm gonna spread around to y'all. You'll eat so much free cheese, you won't help but to grow from the middle, out!" Barry promised free condiments (and condoms) to all the baked goods. As promised, spread the free cheese he did, but instead of the bread rising - something else happened boys and girls. (Ewwww!)
During his first term, things got worse and worse. Barry tried to explain that the blame belonged to the previous administration by saying that they drove the bakery truck into the ditch, and all the mean, nasty and rich chefs needed to stop hoarding all of their sugar and give it to him. (Yaaaaah!)

Now in this land there lived an evil, rich chef named Oven Mitt, and he wanted to take Barry's job. He said he wanted to undo all the good that Barry had begun! I think he really just hated snacks boys and girls! (Boooo!)

He told the tea and crumpet crowd that he believed the citizens of the United Bakes should provide for their own sandwich spreads. He also believed in the "Bread of Life", and that every bun in the oven deserved a chance at the dinner table. Can you believe THAT boys and girls?! He would take away your right to discard your unwanted dough in the trash before it has a chance to rise. (Boooo!) Knowing exactly when yeast becomes a golden brown and buttery dinner roll is above my pay grade - but when in doubt, throw it out I say, right boys and girls? (Yaaaaah!) Mitt is even against allowing marriage to be redefined by allowing same-sex fruitcakes to wed.

What do you care where the chopped, candied fruits put their nuts and spices sir!
During the campaign, Mitt showed up at the NAAPB (National Association of Pumpernickel Bread) to give a speech.
He stated that Barry's policies created "loafs" of bread instead of "loaves" of bread. They booed him when he promised to take back the free cheese, but they gave him a standing loav-ation at his close. Barry wondered if, come November, he would regret not going to this venue himself, but instead sending his VP Banana Nutbread Biden. I guess we will find out how "educable" the voting public is.


Thursday, July 12, 2012


The following clip is my favorite part of Mitt Romney's speech to NAACP yesterday.

As you saw, the African-American crowd was initially apprehensive, and you could almost hear Crickets when he took the stage. As they had time to Think it Over and listen to his Words of Love, they must have thought he was a "Brown Eyed Handsome Man" because they gave him a standing ovation by the end of Romney's Rave. That doesn't mean the majority of this crowd will go out and buy his latest record in November, but Maybe Baby, he will get a few.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Mitt Romney taps Jane Pitt to be his VP candidate

In a surprise move by Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney, he has announced his long anticipated decision on a running mate, and it is none other than Brad Pitt's mother, Jane.

"She is obviously much better prepared and has more experience to govern than our current president," said Romney. “I’m not proposing anything radical here. It's not like I'm proposing job-killing, dependency expanding tax hikes that will only fund the government for a little over a week, Mitt argued. “Nothing radical here.”

Jane Pitt's selection comes on the heels of controversy, as there was a firestorm of criticism over her recent public criticism of Obama.

“I think any Christian should spend much time in prayer before refusing to vote for a family man with high morals, business experience, who is against abortion and shares Christian conviction concerning homosexuality just because he is a Mormon.”

Pitt went on to say, “Any Christian who does not vote or writes in a name is casting a vote for Romney’s opponent, Barack Hussein Obama – a man who sat in Jeremiah Wright’s church for years, did not hold a public ceremony to mark the National Day of Prayer and is a liberal who supports the killing of unborn babies and same-sex marriage.”

Jane told this reporter that Mitt and she would wear vials of each other's blood around their necks during the campaign in a show of solidarity. "Really?" I asked. "No, not really," stated Pitt. "That would be retarded."

When NJ Governor, Chris Christie heard the news, he was a little disappointed. "My phone rang and I saw it was Mitt calling. I obviously thought he was going to select me as his VP. Instead, he just wanted to borrow a spare belt to fix his bus or something."

So far, Jon Voight has refused any future Romney cabinet positions, but does promise to kick any godless libs asses if they even get near his daughter's mother-in-law, as they have threatened.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Island Pursuits, Part Deux

On Wednesday, November 5th, 2008, I blogged about spending the previous evening painstakingly whittling a boat from the old Willow that used to weep in my back yard. NOT coincidentally, this was the day after Barack Obama was elected president. I predicted that, as a result, this country would turn into a "barren and windswept" landscape, and I therefore needed a boat to flee the coming desolation. Unlike the Pilgrims, I horrifyingly discovered there was no place to run.

WTF! I just found out that the globe has ALREADY been circumnavigated! WHY DIDN'T SOMEBODY TELL ME THIS BEFORE NOW? Check it out on Google map if you don't believe me. Apparently, every land mass has been accounted for... So I have this shiny new boat, but no place to row to. Even this frozen wasteland I found on the map called "Canada" is already populated, at least according to wiki. I guess I have to give up the dream of finding a tiny uninhabited island, complete with sandy beaches, gentle tropic breezes, palm trees, coconuts, a bamboo hut, and a volleyball to keep me company. *sigh*

THEN THE IDEA STRUCK ME! If it doesn't exist now, why not build one?

Unfortunately the rest is history, as I was thwarted at every turn trying to construct my conservative oasis of Chattering Teeth Island. Instead, as regular readers of this blog know full well, I've spent the majority of the last three and a half years huddled up in my homemade walk-n kitchen pantry coverted panic room, with Cap'n Crunch as my only sustenance.

Two major developments have occured since my original prediction of this country as a "barren and windswept" landscape.

First, I completely underestimated The One's destructive powers.

And "B", I may have finally found my island!!!

THANK YOU Army Corps of Engineers! Let me know when it's move in ready!

Friday, July 6, 2012

If a bar holds Obama AND Fox News, is the bar half empty or half full?

Does everyone remember this riddle?

You're stuck in a room with no windows or doors, but does have a table and a mirror. How do you get out?

OK, time's up. If you haven't heard this one before, here's the answer.

Look in the mirror. See what you saw. You take the saw and cut the table in two. Two halves make a hole, then you climb through the hole.

Too easy, right? Here is a tougher one.

You are bellied up to the bar at Ziggy’s Pub and Restaurant in Amherst, Ohio, drinking beers and acting stupidly, when President Obama walks in the bar with his possee and heads your way. You immediately notice Fox News is being broadcast from the wall-mounted black and white 9" TV above the mirror. WHAT DO YOU DO?  

Give up? I certainly wouldn't. I did mention you lived in Ohio, right? There is nothing else worthwhile to do in Ohio but to get hammered up at the local watering hole, so leaving is not an option. And if the choice is between Obama or Fox News? Pretty simple choice for me, really. So here's what I would do.

Look in the mirror. See what you saw. You take the saw and cut the black and white in two... OK, just kidding! You'd lose either way on that one.

How about this? Swap the latest "stump speech" in Obama's teleprompter with the microchip from the talking urinal cake. If there is one thing in this world Obama listens to and doesn't govern against it's will, it is his teleprompter. If his tele-buddy suddenly started nagging, "Had a few drinks? Maybe a few too many?," Obama would leave immediately.

Problem solved!