Monday, July 31, 2017

Chris Christie's Penumbra

Fans at Miller Park in Milwaukee last night were treated to a celestial event called the Christie Creme Eclipse.

Unlike a lunar eclipse, when the moon passes behind the Earth's shadow, or a solar eclipse, when the moon passes between the Earth and sun - a Christie Creme eclipse occurs when New Jersey governor Chris Christie and his tray of nachos casts a wide shadow on the planet and blocks your view of the ballgame.

Did you see it?


1) Wear special glasses like the fan pictured above. This will protect your eyes from flying spittle and projectiles of nachos, donuts, coney dogs, or whatever Christie happens to be consuming.

2) When he walks past, yell his name and tell him he sucks.

3) Sit tight. He will be in your face for about 30 seconds before his penumbra moves on to darken other lucky eclipse viewers. 

Wednesday, July 19, 2017


Goat breaks into Colorado office
egged on by a bunch of 'kids'

"The goats escaped capture, leaving behind only a few pellets of poop."


Police sketch 

BE ON THE LOOKOUT for a gang of roving goat vandals (a/k/a democrats and RINOs). If you see an animal banging its head against a glass wall for more than an hour - you are probably one of only 3 known conservatives in Washington, D.C.

Meanwhile, informants in Colorado have been singing to the coppers

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Mid-Michigan Cryptid

I wish I had a coin of indeterminate value for every time I drove on an undisclosed Michigan road and came upon an unidentified beast.

by Cryptozoology News Mich. — A woman on Sunday said she spotted a humanoid in Oakland County. 20-year-old L.B. told Cryptozoology News she was driving on an undisclosed Michigan road when she came upon the unidentified beast. “I was driving and looked at the side of the road because I saw something large move,” the student reports about the mid-day encounter. “I noticed it right away.” The woman described the alleged humanoid as having a dog head and a man’s body. “It looked like a fit man, although covered slightly in hair. It had the head of a grey dog and was very tall,” she added. The creature, she explains, was “swaying back and forth”. “It was swaying strangely, like I have never seen a creature move before.” She provided the following sketch of the creature by using our online drawing tool contained within the report form.
I find this disturbing, as this Dogman creature was spotted in an adjacent county to the Chattering Teeth Bunker and based on the sketch - it appears he has stolen my gold-plated nipple rings.

I myself am not particularly superstitious. I've never thrown a pinch of salt over my shoulder after spilling it. Nutmeg works better in staving off evil spirits. I know it's counter-intuitive, but I've tried all the various spices when battling Mid-Michigan Cryptids.

So fellow Michiganders... be on the lookout for a dog-headed beast who smells of rot.

DISCLAIMER: This sentence link may have absolutely nothing to do with the rest of this post. Any similarities between this story link and the following random key strokes are purely coincidental.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Natalia, The Russian Plant

Now when I fondly think of house plants native to Russia, I will no longer think of the arctic moss Calliergon giganteum, but instead will think of Natalia.

Russia Plants

Arctic Moss
The Calliergon giganteum grows in the arctic tundra which is a harsh cold environment in the Northern Hemisphere within the arctic circle.

Labrador Tea
The Labrador tea plant grows to be 4 to 5 feet. It will grow up straight in the southern latitudes of the tundra, but in the colder northern latitudes it will creep over the ground forming a carpet.

Natalia Plant
The Natalia Veselnitskaya is the most talked about Russian house plant and is said to be from a shell office in Moscow. Initially denied an entry visa into the United States in 2016 before Obama's DOJ allowed her in. Now she is a favorite plant among the liberal media and Hollywood elite who are drawn to the fruit of this poisonous tree. The Natalia Veselnitskaya Plant does not do well in direct sunlight and prefers the darkened recesses and shade provided by Obama's Ambassador to Russia. The plant florishes in "promising Hilery dirt" but can lead to a slinging of mud, according to the mainstream plant media. 

The name "Natalia Veselnitskaya" is derived from an old slavic (not really) anagram (really!) meaning "A Inanely Talkative Ass".

Note: I would have said, "An Inanely..." but anagrams don't lie.

lacking significance, meaning, or point : silly inane comments.
Inane | Definition of Inane by Merriam-Webster

Just released video of the meeting between Donald Trump Jr and the Natalia Veselnitskaya Plant!

Carnivorous Plants from Seth Boyden on Vimeo.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Barron Colludes With Russian Cartoons

Fist, Donald Trump Jr. is reported to have met with a Russian lawyer in hopes to secure information on Hilery (sic), and now Barron Trump is said to have suspicious Russian ties.

Did Boris and Natasha actually deliver on compromising information about moose and squirrel - or did Barron's secret service agents, Rocky and Bullwinkle, change the channel?! Stay tuned to CNN! 

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Did Obama Steal Alaskan Baby & Sell on Black Market For Reefer Money?

‘Oh my God, it is Obama’

Jolene Jackinsky was at Anchorage International Airport on Monday looking for an airline when she ended up in a waiting area for private flights where a man she thought looked like Obama was sitting.

 “As I got closer, I thought: Oh my God, it is Obama,” she recalled Friday from Newhalen, a small Alaska village where she’s vacationing.

Obama then walked up to her and...


Dear Reader(s), I must admit to not reading the rest of this linked article beyond what I've block quoted? above. You may feel free to click the link and continue this 'feel-good' story, but I caution you that you are likely to become dumberer for it, as it is posted on one of those mainstream fake news sites called the Washington (com)post.

For the smarterer readers who may have a macabre curiousity regarding this interraction between an Alaskan native and our marxist former president - here is how I imagine this to have played out.

JOLENE: Oh my God, it is Obama!

(Obama then walked up to her and said:)

OBAMA: You had me at 'Oh my God'. No sense being redundantly repetitive.

JOLENE: Got it. So where is the wife, Michelle?

OBAMA: She went to load my luggage and golf clubs in the Caddy's trunk and is pulling around to the front.

JOLENE: She's not really traveling with you, is she?

OBAMA: No she is not. As the former leader of the semi-free world, I just didn't want to seem so pathetic sitting here in an airport lobby by myself like some kind of creeper. Who is this pretty girl? (ripping the 6-month-old baby from her mother's grasp)

JOLENE: Her name is Giselle.

OBAMA: Not anymore. She will be called "Denalia" from here, on. It's just a thing with me to re-name stuff while I'm here in Alaskastan.

(When Denalia’s father approached, Obama joked, “I’m taking your baby.”)


JOLENE: My baby Giselle... errr... I mean baby Denalia was calm and content during the brief encounter. I think she experienced a 'contact high'.

“I think it’s unreal and pretty exciting that I get to have a picture with him and my baby,” she said. “Not a lot of people get to meet him.” I'll miss my little Denalia, but I can always have another baby.


Friday, July 7, 2017

My Imaginary Pocket Therapy animal Reads the News

If you're like me, you never leave home without your imaginary comfort therapy-pet and the soothing reassurance they provide in an otherwise crazy world. I suffer from post-traumatic fake news disorder, and Chekhov helps me work through the anxiety.

So if my pocket buzzes, it's not a cell phone on vibrate - that's just Chekhov. He hates it when my imaginary friends and disembodied voices in my head call him a squirrel. Chekhov is actually a black-capped marmot and a species of rodent indigenous to Russia.

I'm hoping Chekhov's Russian heritage will provide added insight and assuage my fears for today's events. Talk to me, Chekhov!

CHEKHOV: I know vat is on your mind. President Trump wisit to Varsaw, Poland, vith his vife Melania and first daughter Iwanka. His speech vas most excellent in promoting vestern walues. "The Vest vill newer be broken!".

BLADE: NO, that's not it. I agree that was terrific. It's today in Germany and the G-20 summit that...

CHEKHOV: Don't vorry! Trump vill body-slam the wiolent anti-capitalists protestors and pummel them about their faces until they vun back to their willages. 

BLADE: No, no... I'm concerned about Trump's first meeting with Putin.

CHEKHOV: Who, Wadimir? If he meets Trump and Wadimir is not vearing a shirt, Trump vill give him a double titty tvister, and vestling style scissor kick takedown!

BLADE: I feel much better now. But what about North Korea?

CHEKHOV: Vat? You vorried Kim Jung Un inwented Nuclear wessels? He vill be wictim to Trump's wery wiolent vlesting body-slam and pummeling. Kim Jung Un vill be so wery vasted, his generals vill need wacuum cleaner to pick up vat is left of him.

BLADE: Got it. I'm good now. Take these wegetables and get back in my pocket. We really need to get you an imaginary speech therapist for that irritating impediment.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

The Underground Beer Pipeline - One Giant Leap For Mankind

With the explosion of fake news stories all over the place, I'm really a 'spectacle' (but hopeful) about the following story's trooofiness:

There's a 2-mile pipeline running under the city of Bruges, and it's filled with beer
Bruges is a medieval city and millions of tourists pass through each year, crowding the narrow streets and making transporting the beer from the brewery to the bottling plant very difficult, according to CNN Money.

The solution? A pipeline that flows underground from the brewery to the bottling plant. There, it finishes its second fermentation before being bottled. It's believed this is the first legal beer pipeline, and it's been designed to keep the quality of the beer in mind.

Hmmm... Having lived in and around the City of Flint all my life, my brain is so sodden with poisonous lead deposits that my gray matter likely resembles a 10 lb. tip of a giant #2 pencil. But if this is true?   If BEER can be transported in UNDERGROUND LINES and arrive at it's destination UNCONTAMINATED? Maybe.... JUST MAYBE this advanced technology could be used for the dispersal of safe WATER to homes?

NAH... that's just a pipe dream.

ANd nOw tHiS:
The 12th century French philosopher Bernard of Chartes is attributed with the famous quote, “We are like dwarves perched on the shoulders of giants, and thus we are able to see more and farther than the latter.”

But it is this century's great American philosopher Homer Simpson who said, "Mmmm, beeer!"

I have no idea what Bernard was charting about, but I am picking up what that Homer fella is laying down. This beer pipeline in Bruges is 2 miles long, but it is only 100 feet from my garage refrigerator to poolside in the back yard at the Chattering Teeth Bunker. I should have this trenched out by the July 4th holiday, and then... Mmmmm, beer. Hey! Who invited the dwarves?

Happy 4th of July!