Tuesday, December 31, 2013

NYT Benghazi Report - Did the Old Gray Lady spoon with Candy Crowley?

New Years is the time to throw out the old (obama) and bring in the new (Hillary?... new?). There is no time like the present for the media to go "full campaign mode" for their adopted party and to start a little damage control on poor Hillary. It was in that spirit that The New York Times sent their crack reporter, David Kirkpatrick, to Benghazi,and he has returned with an explosive update to that whole scandal.

Kirkpatrick claims to have interviewed several dozen Libyan Falafel cart peddlers regarding the September 11, 2012 attack on our consulate that left four Americans dead. Apparently the attack was instigated by an iPhone video made by that Harris boy in that Apple commercial 'Misunderstood - The Harris family holiday'.

When told by a lone dissenter that this report doesn't even come close to lining up with the facts and that the mainstream media doesn't even try to veil their pro-democrat, pro-Hillary campaign commercials as "news" stories anymore, Kirkpatrick is said to have asked, "what difference at this point does it make?"

So in a nutshell: The angle the Times is pushing is that Benghazi really was basically what the White House first dishonestly claimed - a somewhat spontaneous demonstration against a YouTube video that got out of control.

If there is one thing we know now, thanks to the New York Times gutsy call here, is this: David Kirkpatrick has chickpea balls packed in a fluffy pita.
If there is just one thing still not completely  clear, however, it is this: Did the Old Gray Lady spoon with Candy Crowley to get this report?

(and if so, will the jaws of life be required?)

And now for a slight rerun, but certainly timely, if you are going to be gathering with family and friends this New Year's Eve. We here at the spacious Chattering Teeth Studios like to gather with a large contingent of the Farkle family and play board games. 

The NYT says Al-Qaeda played no roll in Benghazi, but now is YOUR chance to roll... the dice, that is!
Benghazi, by Halfbro is a mix of all your favorite traditional board games, but with a twist.

It's like RISK, in that you start by placing your plastic game piece Diplomats on the board and decide whether to support them with security details. It's like Yahtzee, in that you can "roll the dice" on your diplomat's safety if you believe it might hurt your image. It's like Dungeons and Dragons, as a player is picked to be the Candy Mountain Dugeon Master Moderator who decides what monsters attack, and throwing flags at players she doesn't like. It's like Monopoly, only the opposite. Players who collect the most money by following the rules are considered out of touch and must be scorned. At the end of the game, the losers physically remove the money from a player who earned it to win the game.

Object: Score the most points by rolling dice then lying! Hilarious fun for the whole spontaneous mob!

Disclaimer: Disgusting video insulting the prophet not included.

Monday, December 30, 2013

Teacher Finds Shocking Home Videos On Confiscated iPhone Belonging to that Loner Harris Kid From That Sappy Apple Commercial


The Harris family has been rescued from a large well in their basement, dehydrated, but otherwise no worse for wear. Police were led there after being alerted by local Gym Teacher at Progressive High School, Mr. Seymore Butts, of some very disturbing video found on the phone of one of his students.   

"The kids had just exited the locker room wearing their gym clothes for first hour," said Mr. Butts. "I told them to spread out for some jumping jacks so's wees could wear off a few of those calories from sugar plums and candy canes they had eaten, see what I'm sayin'?

"That's when I see that fruitcake Harris boy sitting on the bleachers all by himself, as usual, a vacant stare on his face that seemed to be bathing in a radioactive greenish glow from his iPhone," stated Mr. Butts.

"I guess I finally had enough of his tired loner routine, so I yanked his phone away and saw that crazy video of his family looking up a large hole, their arms flailing and waving, and looks of raw terror on their faces."  I heard giggling and looked over at the Harris boy, who was still viewing the video on his phone that I now held. He was smiling and looking all smug and proud of himself.

"I don't blame him for being smug," stated Mr. Jay Doobie, the Harris boy's computer teacher. "That's some seriously professional cinematography he was laying down in that 'Family in the Well' video. Almost as good as his 'Misunderstood - The Harris family holiday' video he shot the day before he took his family captive.

The transitions; The dubbed overlay of that haunting rendition of 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas' soundtrack; the cutscene selfies of himself staring psychotically at his phone - now HOW DID HE DO THAT!! I guess

I just assumed he wasn't paying attention in class, but this kid got real skillz," stated Doobie proudly.

"This episode has simply SHOCKED the entire staff," said Mrs. Busybody, Principal at Progressive High.

"Sure, he always ate lunch by himself, never participated in class and would sit on the wall at the end of each day while he waited for the bus, staring and sometimes mumbling to his iPhone," said Mrs. Busybody. 

"I guess I just assumed he was downloading the Common Core curriculum onto his phone for homework and preparation for the next day."  

Every teacher interviewed for this story shared their own experiences with the Harris boy, but there was one common theme. They all stated they didn't see this coming, that it was assumed the Harris boy was "just the quiet dreamer," and they ALL wished they would have had some kind of sign he was troubled!

"NOT ONE SIGN!," they all agreed.

No student would give a comment on the Harris boy. 


Saturday, December 28, 2013

Friends of Flint Finds Forbes File Freaking False (and other blog words with the letter 'F')

This story/link has been making the rounds on my FB feed for the past few days from my fellow Flint-stone family and friends.

Some have expressed faux-outrage that only the negative has been accentuated, thereby putting our fair city in a bad light (40% of the streetlights not working may have something to do with the bad lighting). Others have expressed Flint pride in our hometown's "down and dirty" reputation, which I blogged about a few years ago in:

Lessons From a Flintstone
QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "You can say you are from Detroit and you can say you are from Flint. When you say you from Flint even the guy from Detroit gives you respect." - Isiah Thomas

Actually,  Forbes has the city of Flint number 2 on their list of "most miserable cities". But number 2 is bad enough, which is the reason why I took my family and FLED this dangerous, APOCALYPTIC and VIOLENT CITY to the relative safety and serenity a FULL 9 miles away!

HEY! My sarcasm blog button is back!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if I were a fish, I would be a Remora. I wouldn't be a big, juicy Tuna who ends up in the sharks belly (inner city). Rather, I would attach myself next to the shark's under-belly (suburbs)  and feed on either leftover food chunks the shark neglected to consume (the rare job) or (urk!) feces (city services).

I have lived in and around Flint town for all of my life (except for that short newspaper stint in Wisconsin in 2010) and I can honestly say that I've NEVER been stabbed or shot at (as far as I know) and have only felt my life threatened on a couple of occasions (of course, it's still early). My father couldn't say the same thing, but I guess that wouldn't be expected from a City of Flint Homicide Detective.

This picture appeared in The Flint Journal when I was maybe 9 or 10 years old. One of these gentleman is a serial rapist and murderer. The other is my father. I'll let you figure out which is which, as we here at the Chattering Teeth Studios frown upon profiling (and will suspend anyone from this blog engaged in same... unless they can make me lots of money).

I miss my dad, who has been gone now for many years. I wish I could remember even half of the cops and robber stories he used to tell, and I often wonder about the ones he never did tell.

MY POINT, however, is that Flint, like all cities, has always had a violent under-belly. There were plenty of violent criminals for my father to apprehend back in the 60s and 70s when GM still employed 80,000 or so folks here. I remember waking up to a ringing telephone in the middle of the night on many occasions in my youth, each call announcing yet another murder requiring my father's 38 and trench coat.  The premise that the violence was born from GM leaving is false.

PICTURED: My dad arresting my brother Donnie for not cleaning his room, or something.

As for Flint, I'm here for better or for worse. Most of my family and friends live in and around it. My roots are here, and it DOES have some fantastic sights and ammenities. Some say the very BEST Trauma centers too.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if cities were amusement park rides, you can keep your carousel. Give me the exhilarating experience of the roller coaster, as it crests the apex moments before a hair-raising plunge. Or the unexpected twists and turns and gravity-defying loops. Oh sure, it will make you vomit occasionally, but you can't make an omelette without cracking some eggs. And with that, I'll leave you to your breakfast, as I think I hear my crack dealer at the door.

Friday, December 27, 2013

Merry Christmas, belatedly

Where is the delete button on this iPad thingy?

We here at the spacious Chattering Teeth Studios lucked out with the ice storms that have pounded mid-Michigan since last Saturday and caused so much damage and suffering. The Chattering Teeth Studios never lost power, didn't suffer basement floods from bursting pipes, didn't have to flee or spend Christmas in a motel like so many others. 

I hate to mention we were without Internet or cable on the heels of all that other stuff folks had to endure, except to offer as an explanation for the blog absence. 

God Bless you all, and see you soon, as I'm back on and cruising the information highway!

P.S. This is my first blog post performed using my wife's new iPad Air. I couldn't find a snark button so that's why it reads like a diary entry. You were bored anyway, so quit complaining. I plan to saddle up and strap myself in to the regular desktop cockpit tomorrow.

Friday, December 20, 2013


I saw a homeless man at the roadside in Greektown Detroit carrying what appeared to me to be a bucket of his own feces. Intrigued (because I thought I was the only one who liked this in the privacy of my own work shed), I pulled over and parked, thinking to myself that the least I could do this holiday season was make a contribution.

NO, not THAT kind of bucket contribution - though after a lunch of "two up and a chili-cheese fry" at Detroit's famous Lafayette Coney Island, I was sure the contents of my rumbling bowel could warm the gentleman's hands through the coldest winter wind chill.

I was immediately overwhelmed by the nauseating smell of sweat and urine that assaulted my senses, and it was then that I decided to leave the confines of my automobile as I realized that I was the source of these offending aromas. I opened my car door to a brisk and refreshing breeze.

As I approached the gentleman, feet crunching on the broken glass of spent wine bottles, I noticed a soiled cardboard sign propped up beside him that said, "DRUNKS AGAINST DUCK DYNASTY".

Our palaver of verbal confabulation was as follows:

Me: "Good sir! A ha'penny for your thoughts," as I slipped him a crumpled Washington. "What grudge, praytell, do you hold against Duck Dynasty? May I assume you are in accord with A&E and the network's decision to suspend Phil Robertson for what they are calling anti-homosexual remarks?"

Homeless Man: Nah.

Me: I imagine it gets lonely out here and you therefore took offense to Robertson's outrageous claims that a woman's v'yger has more to offer a dude than another man's anus? Any port in the storm, amIright?

Homeless Man: Nope. I am outraged Phil Robertson included drunkards in his diatribe regarding sinners. As a drunkard, I take offense to being included with the homosexuals. I only wish that us drunkards could organize like these peter puffers.

Me: What do you mean... organize?

Homeless Man: (he pulls out an obama phone and shows me the screen displaying a news story) See here! As of last night, more than 1 million people have “liked” the “Boycott A&E Until Phil Robertson Is Put Back On Duck Dynasty” Facebook page.

Me: And your point is...

Homeless Man: As of now, there are only four people who have “liked” my "DRUNKS AGAINST DUCK DYNASTY" Facebook page I started. REALLY!? Only four M'F#$%ers? Trust me, since Obama in president, you know, there are a whole lot more drunkards and homeless M'F#$%ers than ever befoe! We needs to organize and insist A&E include the insult to us drunkards as reason for the suspension of that Duck M'F#$%er! You feel me bro?

Just then, a tear rolled halfway down this gentleman's face before it froze solid on his bearded cheek, reminding me of that old commercial featuring the crying Indian who teared up from litter thrown from a car window.

It was then I promised him I would do what I could to get the word out to the rest of the drunkards, starting with my cousin "dr hirkimer" - the drunkard who inspired today's blog.

Due to the additional pressure, A&E has tweaked their original statement to be more inclusive to the offended, and to read:

"We are extremely disappointed to have read Phil Robertson's comments in GQ, which are based on his own personal beliefs and are not reflected in the series Duck Dynasty. His personal views in no way reflect those of A&E Networks, who have always been strong supporters and champions of the LGBT community, adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers (and any other offended group and segment of the democrat party not mentioned here). The network has placed Phil under hiatus from filming indefinitely."

The End 
Meanwhile, Progressives may have shot themselves in their own glittery and light-weight loafers, as most gay activists are also environmental wackos.

BREAKING!!! Phil Robertson has only been suspended for one day, yet nary a duck can be found across the Louisianna wetlands, soaring them to the top of the endangered species list. It seems Mr. Robertson is duck hunting during the time he used to spend on the Dynasty set, and the duck population has plummeted as a result.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

A&E has opened up a trap of crawdaddies with Phil Robertson Suspension

Somewhere in a glassed office room high atop a skyscraper in downtown New York in the NOT SO DISTANT FUTURE, the A&E brain-trust gather around the high-glossed cherrywood conference table, nervously gripping the arms rests and rocking in their leather chairs in an emergency session to strategize how to save their flailing network.

"Maybe we say we will lift the suspension and take Phil back, but only if he loses the camo in exchange for something glittery from Versace... a shave and cut... maybe some oiled beard braids and a Burberry scarf? And put that Si fella in some feathers."

Sorry A&E. There is no duck-walking this back. We gone.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Mega Multi Million Vitamins

Mega Million drawing results... I didn't win. As a result, this blog cannot afford to retire and must plod on out of necessity. I heard your sigh of relief.

I did play, though I hadn't purchased a lottery ticket in a loooong time. I have to wait for the jackpot to get high enough to attract my attention and my imagination. I can't waste time on a paltry jackpot of just a few tens of Millions. I can't live on that. I do have a flamboyant lifestyle that needs to be supported and pampered, after all.

The reason I rarely buy a lotto ticket is because I do recognize the long odds of winning. Todd Northrop, the founder of Lotterypost.com, has said that, "Winning the Mega Millions is akin to getting struck by lightning at the same time you're being eaten by a shark," though I haven't heard of even one Mega Millions winner who suffered even one of these misfortunes.

So I bought a ticket and dreamed of what I would do with the money. Hey, if you're going to get caught up in the pessimism of having no chance to win, then don't play! The only utility one gets from buying a ticket is perchance to dream, and so I did.

What would you do with all that cash? Some folks opt to receive an annuity over time. Not me. Many think I'm crazy for this, but I would have opted to receive my winnings in a lump sum and in the form of multivitamins.

"But Jerry", you say. "Didn't you read the latest research claiming that these multivitamin supplementals provide absolutely zero health benefits?"

Ahhh, that's what they say now. Do you buy your stock when its at an all-time high? Or rather, do you go against the herd and buy low and SELL HIGH! $636 Million buys a lot more multivitamins now than it would have last week, amIright? Now THAT is some expensive urine!

But alas, I did not win.

I shall have the last laugh, however, as I took out a second mortgage on the house and now I have $80,000 worth on multivitamins stored in my garage. I can't wait to surprise my wife. It shouldn't take too long to parfait that up to $636 Million. See ya at the top suckers!!!

Monday, December 16, 2013

China builds first moon restaurant - now serving Iranian Space Monkey

BREAKING BLOG NEWS: First we learn that China has successfully become the third nation to land on the moon.

NOW we learn they have opened the first interstellar restaurant to horrible reviews on Travel Advisor...

...and I suppose they would have us believe the absence of cats on the moon is somehow a coincidence? I'm sorry, I may have been born at night on the back of a turnip truck, but my momma didn't raise no moon rock.

PICTURED: The second Chinese take-out restaurant on the moon is the result of good ol' fashioned American Entrepreneurship, and was financed by a recluse anonymous blogger from Swartz Creek, Michigan known only as "DaBlade" in the Tweeterverse.

AND NOW This past weekend, Iran claimed a 2nd launch of monkey into space

This could explain why the General Tso's tasted a little gamy to the first interstellar diners.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

"All I Want For Christmas" is to beat Josh at the eye-spy game at Bronner's CHRISTmas Wonderland

I believe a new Farkle Family tradition may have been born this past Sunday with our annual trip to the Bavarian Inn in Frankenmuth, Michigan - our very own Little Bavaria - for the purpose of celebrating the wife's birthday.

It began as usual, with a chow down of their world famous family-style chicken dinner featuring serving bowls filled with buttered noodles, mashed potatoes and gravy, squash, salads, dressing, piles of chicken, and steins of my favorite brew - all served by friendly frauleins and gentlemen in lederhosen, and all to the sounds of Christmas music from a distant accordion being squeezed from another dining room. After dinner, a workout calorie walk-off through the basement gift shops and bakeries.
I can almost see all you fellow Michiganders through my computer monitor nodding your heads in agreement, as if to say, "yah, we do that too!".

Well, do you then enjoy the short drive south through town at night, yielding to horse and buggy traffic over the covered bridge - with both the streets and Cass River banks lit up and decorated for Christmas?
And then do you top off the night with a stop at Bronner's CHRISTmas Wonderland, the World's Largest Christmas Store - A complex full of Christmas cheer so large that they have to name their ingress/egress points by compass directions!?
Oh, I see you do that too. That's OK, because none of that is the topic of today's blog. This year we had all three of our boys with us! The oldest two were accompanied by their fiance's, and my wife had her parents with her - which left my youngest boy, Josh, and I to our own devious devices, which brings me to...

TODAY'S BLOG TOPIC: The First Annual "All I Want For Christmas" eye-spy game at Bronner's CHRISTmas Wonderland.

The birth of the game: For those unfortunates who have never visited Bronner's CHRISTmas Wonderland, how sad for you. At least take the virtual tour (linked here) immediately before proceeding further. Try not to get lost, and don't forget to look up. We'll wait.

Back already? OK, pretty cool, right?

Bronner's advertises itself as "the World's Largest Christmas Store! 50,000 ornaments, lights, decorations, and gifts we have everything you need to help create cherished memories and traditions with your family and friends this Holiday Season."

50,000 decorations is a lot. To get that many, some of them are necessarily a little random in nature. Josh commented on this randomness as we passed underneath a hanging Santa head in the shape of a half-moon. Josh said, "Look! A Santa head shaped like a half-moon!" And from there, a new tradition was born.

RULES for "All I Want For Christmas" eye-spy game at Bronner's CHRISTmas Wonderland:

Describe a Christmas ornament that you believe Bronner's has somewhere on their numerous shelves that you believe will cause your opponent to say "Bah Humbug!" - or in other words stating it does not exist. Sounds easy, right? Here is a sample game "turn".

Me: All I Want For Christmas is... Sasquatch.
Josh: What else do you want?

By asking me what else I want, Josh is stating that he too believes a Sasquatch ornament is located somewhere in the store, and in this case is a good answer on his part. So it is still my turn.

HINT: You don't want to describe an ornament that is too obviously "Humbug", because if you draw your opponent into responding with a Bah Humbug and you CAN'T find the described ornament, then HE wins that round. 

For example, maybe all you can think of is a "Camouflage Pickle," but seriously, what are the odds? 

Once you describe an ornament you believe is one of the 50,000 that are on display, and your opponent answers "Bah HumBug", it is then their turn.

Josh: All I Want For Christmas is... a Ninja Samurai Reindeer.
Me: Bah HumBug!

Sometimes you may need a referee... a Dungeon Master if you like, to settle disputes. I would argue this is not technically a Ninja Samurai Reindeer, but a Tae Kwon Do reindeer. It would be up to the referee as to who's argument (monetary bribe) was most compelling.

Me: All I Want For Christmas is... a dancing Elvis.
Josh: What else do you want?
Me: Really? You think they have that one? Let me cut a little finer then. All I Want For Christmas is fat Elvis.

Again, good to have a referee on your side.

Hint #2: Bronner's has a "personalizing" station with plenty of glue and glitter, which means you can make your own ornament saying anything you want. This trick only works against your opponent once. Not really sure where we are going to hang the "Juiceman BootyTrain" ornament this year.

There. Now you may also enjoy the "All I Want For Christmas" eye-spy game on your next visit to Bronner's CHRISTmas Wonderland. Just don't be over-confident! When the game was still in its conceptual stage, I told Josh the first random ornament idea that came to my head and blurted out, "A Bob Marley Serial Slasher" ornament. I of course meant to say "Jacob Marley" (of Christmas Carol fame), but like when you remove your hand from a moved chess piece, its counted as your turn and no do-overs allowed. As it turned out, there are both Bob Marley AND Jacob Marley Christmas Tree Ornaments - just none that I could find as serial slashers. Ho hum. When 2 billion chinese children are churning these bad boys out at such a prodigious clip, I'm sure to find both next year.

Some of my favorite random ornaments:
A Christmas ornament of a circular saw. What is this for? "Here ya go son, I hope you enjoy. We just couldn't justify the cost of an actual circular saw as a gift this year. Maybe next year we will get you that socket set you've been hinting at *wink* *wink* or at least a miniature glass facsimile. Merry Christmas!"


Or for the S'more loving card sharp in the family (hey, who doesn't have one of those?)
Lastly,and perhaps my favorite... nothing says, "We are so glad you came home for the holidays! Here is a miniature glass suitcase ornament to hang on your tree and to remind you to pack your sh*& up and leave."

Friday, December 13, 2013

Don't worry Obama, Maddow and Matthews (& the rest of the MSM) still love you


AS his popularity plummets to historic lows and his presidential legacy is in tatters, BARACK OBAMA has suffered a shocking secret meltdown.

White House insiders say the deeply depressed Commander-in-Chief is hardly eating or sleeping, hasn’t talked to First Lady Michelle, 49, in weeks and is convinced everyone hates him!

“Barack is shattered that his presidency and his life are in free-fall,” says a source.

 “He can’t believe the American public has turned on him so viciously, mainly because of the Obamacare disaster. No one has been able to help him.

“Michelle has tried everything she can to comfort him, but he just snaps, ‘Go away. Leave me alone.’

“Barack watches news reports, reads the papers and sees the shocking poll results – and he loses it.

Because ALL the great presidents - including Washington, Lincoln and Reagan - were known to cry over their poll numbers.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Introducing Chattering Teeth's Official Fake Blog Comedy Intrepreter

Your blog host here at the spacious Chattering Teeth Studios has received some very angry, hateful and downright threatening comments in the past from folks who I assume did not understand my "rare sense of humor" (but enough about my First Grade Teacher, Mrs. Thurman, that was some 45 years ago and I haven't cried about that in days)

But that did get me to thinking. What if an internets traveler stumbled through my blog door (after googling "why does my dentist give me nitrous oxide, and is it normal to wake up without any memory and with chattering teeth? And should I go on a second date with the man?")... and suppose this visitor did not understand my rare sense of humor?

Finally, I have a solution and can once again sleep easy (while sitting naked, hugging my knees and sobbing quietly in the tub as the water from the shower nozzle cascades over me). 

So without further ado, I would like to take this opportunity to introduce you to Chattering Teeth's Official Fake Blog Comedy Intrepreter. I met him at a dirt runway in Johannesburg as I was deboarding my homemade hot air balloon while on hiatus to big game hunt - hoping to score the horn from a giant Black Rhino to store my marble collection (I still can't believe I won that eBay bid for the license so cheaply).

Anyways, it looked liked the dude was playing an imaginary game of ping pong, the way he was waving those large paddles around. I was impressed with his assistance in landing my balloon, and we've been pals ever since. It was only just recently that I finally learned this man was a fraud and not actually Alan Keyes.

So imagine my surprise when I saw Alan (I guess I don't know his real name) on TV and signing for the speakers at Nelson Mandela's funeral. I mean, I was happy that he found another gig, despite the fact that I had to kick him off this blog for impersonating a man I hold in high regard.

Listen, I had my differences with the man, but that doesn't mean I appreciate hearing him being called "a fake" for the wrong reason.

Here is just a couple nasty pull quotes regarding my friend Alan:

"There was zero percent accuracy. He couldn't even get the basics right. He couldn't even say thank you..."

"This man himself knows he cannot sign and he had the guts to stand on an international stage and do that..."

Just because you don't understand him, that doesn't give you the right to be so rude! The man CAN sign, it's just that the sign language is one we invented, called "ChatterSign". It is a cross between ASL, Plane Taxi Paddle, Hawaiian Hula, and Barbi Doll Robot.

Send me $19.99 in Bitcoins and I will send you the full transcript from the funeral. I will say that "Alan" did try his best to warn obama about the look on Michelle's face while he was cozying up and taking "selfies" with that blonde PM from Denmark.


p.s. No Black Rhinos, First Grade Teachers, Barbie Dolls, or deaf people were hurt during the making of this blog, and the intent of the blog master is clearly meant to only ridicule progressives in general, obama in particular.  

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

More Obama "selfies"

President Obama's "selfie" in Benghazi

MSMEDIA: This is a moment of reconciliation. This is a moment of tribute to a great ambassador, and it was not a time to make a political statement. So what that Obama was fist-bumping the "protestors" shortly after Steven's death. At this point, what difference does it make? you shake hands and fist-bump out of the respect for the moment and move on. Will President Obama get some criticism from those Tea Baggers and Faux News viewers? Yes, he will. It comes with the territory. Somebody will decide that was a horrible thing. I think the president was showing respect for the moment.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Rumors of Mandisa's Demise Greatly Exaggerated!

I have been a huge fan of Mandisa's since her 9th place finish on season 5 of American Idol. I am so happy to learn that I had my wires crossed and that Mandisa is alive and well, and still singing for Freedom! 
Someone should let the rest of the world leaders in on this.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

School Gun Survey Take Home Quiz Answer Key

h/t to Barack Obama's Dead Fly

As of this morning, there are 304,571 "Likes" on the MyFaceSpacePageBook thingy. You could be the 304,572nd! Really funny stuff.

If you received this "survey" from your child's school, when it was returned, what would it have written on it? JMc

And my response...

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Obama's Christmas Message: "no matter what God you pray to, or if you pray to none at all.”

Awesome. I've said it before, I'll say it again. It is really hard to lampoon this guy. I meant my post from yesterday morning  to be satirical in nature, but even my predictions related to the National Holiday Tree Lighting ceremony last night fell short.

The First Family helped light the National Christmas Tree Friday night, amid a festive celebration of musicians and costumed characters. ("costumed characters"? sounds like the typical democrat convention to me)

President Obama said Christmas is a time “we celebrate the birth of a child who came into the world (without a birth certificate either) with only a stable’s roof to shelter Him.”

He also made this statement about Christmas: “It’s a message both timeless and universal — no matter what God you pray to, or if you pray to none at all.”

Apparently, this message was no off-the-cuff Teleprompter malfunction and is the official tag for this joyous solstice season - as evidenced by this official Obama Family 2013 White House "pop up" Holiday Card 

I received mine via Amazon Air Drone delivery  late last night.

Not sure why the drone is still hovering outside my bedroom window. Huh!

Friday, December 6, 2013

Unfortunately, Obama had assigned the electrical wiring for the National Christmas Tree this year to Joe "Plugs" Biden.

We now enter the Chattering Teeth Blog Time Machine and fast forward to 5PM today, Friday, December 6, 2013, and the lighting of the National Christmas Tree

Cue wavy line thingys to indicate worm hole time travel. We arrive to the ellipse shortly after the National Tree lights were engaged and the crowd performed the obligatory, albeit muffled, mitten clap of applause.

President Obama clutches the sides of the podium, nose and chin thrusting arrogantly upwards as he surveys his flock bundled in swaddling peacoats and Burberry scarves - gathered to see the Tree lighting in his honor and to hear the mellifluous magnificence of his stacatto voice.

The night was very cold due to anthropogenic climate change. Steamy puffs of vapor emanated from the mouths of the media, as they added pollutants to the prestine environment with their every breath while waiting in anxious anticipation for the president to begin - and giving their pathetic lives some meaning for at least this short while in his presence.

The president took a deep breath, looked sideways in a nonchalant attempt to read from his Teleprompter, and began.

OBAMA: My fellow Americans. We once again meet, as we have met with the presidents throughout our racist history, to light the National Holiday Tree. Each year we’ve come together to celebrate a story... thaaaat has endured for two millennia...

*suddenly, the Teleprompter went dark from a loss of power. The tree and everything else still had power, so nobody was the wiser that the president had no... word thingys. The president began to panic, looking from face to face in the crowd.

Unfortunately, Obama had assigned the electrical wiring this year to Joe "Plugs" Biden.

A few female reporters fainted after receiving the gift of the president's gaze, giving Obama cover for this otherwise unexplained pause... "I'm gonna have to wing it," he thought to himself, as the unconscious reporters were dragged away

OBAMA: As I was saying... uhhhh... Each year we’ve come together to celebrate a story... thaaaat has endured for two election cycles. aaaand we have a lot to celebrate this year, what with all the free healthcare and whatnot. Thaaaat said, we should remember those who have given the ultimate sacrifice. Like this tree here. aaaand... Nelson Mandela!

Uhhhh...Let me be clear. Nelson Mandela was a great man who died tragically in a fiery crash before his time, and the Fast & Furious franchise will certainly miss him.

*A marine who was holding the presidential umbrella over Obama's head to protect him from the potential harmful effects of the rays from starlight, leaned over and whispered into Obama's ear: "Nelson Mandela led the fight in South Africa to end Apartheid. And he was 95, and died after a long life well lived."

Obama: What was a 95-year-old man doing driving a Porsche at 200 MPH on city streets? I wondered why Holder never told me that Mandela was involved with my illegal gun running across the border...

And so, this holiday season, let us reaffirm our commitment to each other, as family members, as neighbors, as Americans, regardless of our color or creed or faith.  Let us remember that we are one, and we are a family.... 

Except for those Republicans in congress who should be embarrassed by their record of not comporting to my will.

Who do they think they are by defying me? Can't we all just get along and be bipartisan by agreeing with my redistribution plans, believing my lies, obeying my laws and granting amnesty to the undocumented immigrants and future democrat voters?

aaand so in conclusion, If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be revenge against all my Tea Party enemies, they should die like pigs in Hell! And of course, I wish for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of peace and harmony.

Peace out.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

TACO BELL BRINGS THE HEAT! (Hazmat Suit not included)

IN THE NEWS: Some stolen truck carrying a "delicate cargo" of a radioactive element was found in Mexico. Experts aren't sure of the thief's motives and are in the process of counting some pellet thingys. I'm sure there is nothing to worry about.

and now a word from our sponsor...


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We started with our famously hot Volcano Taco with signature red shell and filled with seasoned imitation ground beef, crisp, shredded salmonella-laced lettuce and diarreah-inducing Lava Sauce...


Why not try our New Nuclear Waste Border Sauce for less heat.

RUN TO THE BORDER... UHH, then maybe the nearest clinic.

Disclaimer: May cause slight discoloration of lips and tongue and mind numbing pain until offending body parts are removed with box cutter knife found in your glove compartment. Excessive bleeding from all orifices should be expected. Fourth meal regret strikes without warning shortly after consumption.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

The Lowlife, a Novel which dares to tell the true story of the rise and fall of Obama

The book in Obama's environment-destroying plastic bag is titled, The Lowland, by Jhumpa Lahiri.
Amazon Book Description:
...set in both India and America... a tale of two brothers bound by tragedy, a fiercely brilliant woman haunted by her past, a country torn by revolution, and a love that lasts long past death.

Born just fifteen months apart, Subhash and Udayan Mitra are inseparable brothers, one often mistaken for the other in the Calcutta neighborhood where they grow up.  But they are also opposites, with gravely different futures ahead.

blah blah blah. Basically, it sounds like one brother goes off to study and teach in America, while the other stays and joins the Mao-inspired Naxalite movement, which demands justice for the poor (whoa. sounds well intentioned, don't it?).

Photo op book store link here
I don't know if this book is being purchased for personally consumption or is meant as a crappy Ramadan gift, or is for his daughter Maluable (Malishes? Malice?) and a school book report. It does have the communist theme throughout, so you know its required reading.

I'm working on my own novel I call "The Lowlife".

Its about two brothers growing up in Kenya. One stays home to live in a cardboard shack while the other goes to America to become a community organizer, college professor and enters Mao-inspired politics creating a country torn by revolution. I'll let you know how it ends later.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Super Survival Mario Brothers 2

Today's blog scrawled in honor of the greatest video game I've ever played.

If you're like me, you have been preparing for the looming economic meltdown by converting all your assets into Bitcoins and storing them on the memory chip of your vintage Super NES game system. Hey, they're bound to be the currency of the post-apocalyptic (post-obama) future, and I'm gonna be loaded up with those bad boys. While I still haven't figured out how to get them back out of the game console yet when there is no power, I figure I still have a little time before I'm starving and have to barter them for a live chicken.

By the way, don't be fooled by stocking up on worthless counterfeit Bitcoins purchased or exchanged on the internets, or that worthless U.S. Dollar currency for that matter. Legitimate Bitcoins can only be found throughout the Super Mario Brothers 2 game.

You're welcome.

Oops. I let my survival secret out of the bag. The truth is, everything you need to know for survival in a world gone mad can be learned from Super Mario Bros. 2 - the original Nintendo 1988 version, not the handheld remakes. Those things have tracking chips in them guys.

If you send me $19.99 (in Bitcoins of course), I will divulge my entire Super Survival Mario Brothers 2 secrets kept hidden in my large vase genie pot in the corner. These tips and tricks took years (and countless consumption of bad mushrooms) to develop that can all be yours for only $19.99!

These are tried and true strategies that will absolutely give you the best chance at getting to the next level when this $multi-$Trillion dollar ponzi scheme, smoke-and-mirror economy necessarily collapses. Strategies that you may forget under stress when you see obama's civilian goomba army marching down your street after declaring Michelle Law (Martial Law sounded so harsh after all).

Tips like, *When in doubt, don't forget to side scroll!

If you act now, I'll give you my best combat strategy tips that will have your potential adversary scrolling away frightened and confused.  While your instincts may tempt you to jump on an enemy combatant's head to subdue them, you'll know better! You'll be throwing vegetables at them instead!

Seriously, this works! I tried this the other night in a dry test run. I ate one of my mushrooms, put on my pink Princess dress (size double buddha) and side scrolled downtown throwing carrots, onions and turnips at the vagrants. Necessary combat training for me, and an early Christmas feast for the homeless.

Of course, I woke up with 3 days beard stubble and wearing a soiled Princess dress, curled up inside the darkened hallway linen closet after having mistaken it for the door to that alternate sub-space world. I wish I had a Bitcoin for every time THAT happened.

The first 50 people who send me $19.99 will receive a racoon tail taken from a racoon I personally taught to fly from the top of the 3 story apartment building on Main Street downtown. It took a few tries, but once the tail came off, it floated gently to the red stained pavement below.

Seriously, don't be a procrasti-prepper. If you don't already have a network of large green sewer pipes buried on your property with a few key access points, you need this kit! Call today!

One lucky caller may even get my vintage Atari 5200 video game console. It's like new! When I say it's like new, I mean that half the controller buttons don't work properly, JUST LIKE YOU REMEMBER IT from out of the box. I may even throw in the games I still have. Let's see... Warlords. Joust. Space Invaders!

OK, those must be thrown into the "best game(s) I've ever played" category.