Friday, November 28, 2008

Shuttle cuddle scuttled

Chattering Teeth Space Station Exclusive!: From sources close to this reporter (yes, I'm talking about the voices inside my head again).

Apparently, the feel-good "Thanksgiving in space" story yesterday that reported the ten astronauts enjoying a warm and friendly meal of freeze-dried turkey together was an exageration. While factually true, they were not happy with Heidi's latest exploits. You may recall that astronaut Heide Stefanyshyn-Piper made headline news in mid-November when she lost a tool bag on a spacewalk repair mission.
NOTE: She claims it was an accident, but is it a coincidence that the tool bag (purse) just happened to clash with the Neoprene-coated Nylon layer of her space suit?

Well she evidently has done it again! NASA had planned on surprising the crew with a real roasted turkey meal for the occasion, but these plans were scuttled when Heidi took it upon herself to pardon the Shuttle bird. She was found by the open bay door with a glazed look on her face and drool on her chin, mumbling over and over, "fly turkey, fly!"

An astronaut wishing to remain anonymous stated, "Yep, we were really supposed to enjoy a meal of fresh roasted turkey with all the trimmings and washed down with a fine Chianti. Thanks to Heidi, all we got was a bag of dehydrated crap and a glass of our own piss."

The story has a happy ending though, as a needy family in Edmonton, Canada received this surprise fully cooked turkey dinner delivered right to their doorstep.

Thursday, November 27, 2008


...from all of us here at Chattering Teeth!

Dablade plans to spend a quiet day sharing a turkey with his new S&M Barbie. May you and your loved ones (or plastic facsimiles) share loads of happiness! and pumkin pie!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Of Pirates and Holiday Natives

I'm sure you've already rolled over this story from LaLa Land:
"Claremont parents clash over kindergarten Thanksgiving costumes"

For decades, Claremont kindergartners have celebrated Thanksgiving by dressing up as pilgrims and Native Americans and sharing a feast. But on Tuesday, when the youngsters meet for their turkey and songs, they won't be wearing their hand-made bonnets, headdresses and fringed vests.
You have to laugh. Don't get me wrong, DaBlade is very much unhappy that the libs will be in control unchecked, and I readily admit that it is easier to laugh at these yahoos when they are in the minority. But I can't help it... *giggle* Liberals say the darndest things! Hilarious!

One lefty mom had this to say:
"Dress(ing) up as pilgrims and Native Americans is demeaning... I'm sure you can appreciate the inappropriateness of asking children to dress up like slaves (and kind slave masters), or Jews (and friendly Nazis), or members of any other racial minority group who has struggled in our nation's history."

Pasadena Closet Conservative postules that "Perhaps someday the Libs will stop insisting that Thanksgiving is a racist tradition that supports negative stereotypes".

I believe I may have a compromise and a way to bring us together. How about the crumb crunchers and their parents being allowed to dress up as Pilgrims Somali Pirates and Indians "Holiday Natives"?

If "HOLIDAY" is good enough to replace Christmas, it should be good enough to replace the traditions of Thanksgiving. Happy Holiday! Holiday Tree. See the synergy?

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Leatherheads 2, The Obama administration

Coming to a theatre near you: Leatherheads 2, The Obama administration

I love the title to this article. Obama using bully pulpit to tackle economy. Tackle the economy indeed. I have the mental image of a 90-pound weakling Obama in an oversized football helmet, running as fast as his skinny legs will carry him. He hits the tackling dummy (methaphor for economy stupid) full steam and bounces straight back onto his seat, helmet twisted so that he is looking at an ear hole.

Obama of Oz is pulling all kinds of "economic stimulus" levers behind the curtain in an attempt to "soften the economy's fall" with another promised trillion here and there, but the best part is that he does this under cover of fault or blame during the transition period. Not that blame would ever come from his NY and Washington media partners, or that they would allow outside criticism to stick.

"Obama has said repeatedly there can be only one president at a time, and has kept a relatively low public profile... That changed at his news conference Monday, when the president-elect pressed for passage of a multibillion-dollar stimulus plan aimed at creating jobs, easing the home foreclosure crisis and rescuing the struggling auto industry.

The article quotes some insignificant "historian" who hinted that the recent stock market plunge made it necessary for The One to jump into the nearest phonebooth to don his cape, ala Superman, and come out to save the day. "Had he not gotten involved, the potential for really disastrous shifts in the economy were all there," (insignificant historian dude) said.

The Messiah-Elect makes us this promise: "It's going to be costly".

There. Don't you feel better now? Who cares what it costs, Obama is going to pay for my gas and mortgage. All he has to do is tax the rich to pay for all of these handouts.

WHAT!? Obamasan is talking renege on this?

HOW CAN THIS BE? All campaign season, he talked "hope and change" and sticking it to the rich. He hasn't even taken the oath on the (insert holy book of his choice here) yet, and he is backtracking on this promise?

With all the bad news we get every day, at least we could take comfort and solace in the fact the Obama would let the Bush tax cuts expire (read- TAX INCREASE) causing those above us on the economic ladder to slip and fall. Their misery would be our comfort. That's why 53% of us yahoos voted for this clown, am I right again?

He was winking when he said this, right? I mean, if he lied to us about punishing the rich, did he really mean it when he promised to retreat and surrender the war on terrorism immediately? What about closing Gitmo? We are banking on him following through on this pledge and allowing these misunderstood religious youths their freedom to take up arms against us again. What about his garauntee to immediately sign the FOC Act so that we could count on the continued and increased slaughter of our unborn?

His "jolts to the economy" will have the same effect as a crack ho's heroin injection (between the toes to hide the needle marks). God love ya, what am I talking about? Let's all stand up for Obama and his "economy tackling" (and crack hos).

Monday, November 24, 2008

Rocket surgery redux

Man killed at Scientology building had church ties
Pity. Hopes dashed. Rug pulled out from under me. *sigh*
LOS ANGELES – An Oregon man who was fatally shot as he wielded samurai swords and tried to attack guests at a landmark Scientology building had been involved in "prior incidents" with the church, police said Monday.

(NOT Mr. Katie Holmes), 48, was shot once by a security guard as he tried to use the swords to attack guests at the Scientology Celebrity Centre in Hollywood on Sunday, Detective Wendi Berndt said.

In other news, Astronauts finish spacewalk lube job, somehow managing to avoid fellow astronaut, Heide Stefanyshyn-Piper's makeup kit. Can you imagine getting whacked in the space helmet by a stick of rouge traveling 17,500 miles per hour? She may never live that down, but I sincerely hope she succeeds in all her future ENDEAVOURS. ewwww. Heidi just sits inside now watching her favorite soap, As The World Turns. Yikes! And what's with the fixation on the urine processor anyway? I keep picturing Pauly Shore in that mega blockbuster Bio-Dome. Ugh! Give me the cold vacuum of space instead.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Palin's Executing Turkeys Farm Toy Set

Celebrate this Thanksgiving the way God intended, not with a sad and unpalatable Tofurky, but with a golden brown, hot and steaming Butterball baby! Complete with all the trimmings. Pass me one of them drumsticks. You can leave the tofu for the communists!

"Mommy? Where does food come from?"

This Christmas, why not give your future little conservative child this educational P.E.T. Farm, from Chattering Teeth Toys. That's right! Palin's Executing Turkeys Farm (P.E.T.) will give your "wanted tissue mass" hours and hours of fun, as they stuff the little plastic turkey into the head grinder, run by an uncanny replica of the really creepy looking mustached dude from the famous YouTube video that drove the liberals crazy! Your child will have so much fun, they won't even realize they are learning.

No junior, turkeys do not commit suicide and donate their carcasses to family dining tables around the world. They are raised on a farm and butchered for you and me to eat.

Sarah Palin hunting helicopter sold separately.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Hammer Time in space: ISS celebrates 10th birthday

Happy 10th birthday Space station!
"NASA couldn't have staged it any better: 10 people in orbit for Thursday's 10th anniversary..."

Let me just pose this question to these 10 astronauts - Did any of you fly commercial to this birthday party today? (silence).

Let the record show there were no hands raised.

The economy back home on earth is in the tank (I personally am waiting for the DOW to fall below 5K before I turn my 401K leftovers into gold so that I can lock in my losses) and that Ahckmadeenadude in Iran is pushing the world to the nuclear brink. Yet, there you ten asronauts are, circling the globe in your extravagant 300+ Ton multi-billion dollar metal mansion on my dime!
The space station has taken longer for NASA and its international partners to build, cost more money and produced less science than originally envisioned. But that hasn't spoiled the celebrations going on all over the world — and off.

I believe they started their celebrations up there a little early, with the story the other day of the spacewalker that dropped her tool bag while caulking a joint (ryhmes with "smoking a joint, don'tit?). Allegedly, Astronauts Heidi and Stevo were "greasing a rotary joint on the station’s giant starboard solar array system" when a tether came loose.

I think Heidi and Steve were trying to become new members in the 220-mile-high club.

Think about that for a sec., somewhere hundreds of miles above your head, there is a hammer, a screwdriver, and caulk gun racing at 17,500 miles per hour in astronaut Heide's Gucci bag. It is estimated that it will cost NASA (taxpayers) $42 billion dollars to track this additional piece of space junk. (the previous sentence was a complete fabrication on my part, but watch it stick now. You know you'll quote it to somebody later).

But nevermind all that pessimism stuff. It's your birthday! God love ya, what am I talking about? Let's all stand up for the Space Station. Raise your glasses full of the crew's recycled purified urine (can you ferment that stuff?) and toast "the world's most elaborate and expensive housing project". Someone pass me the pouch of freeze-dried shrimp cocktail. They might as well party. There is nothing else to do until someone flies them another caulk gun.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Bush abortion ruling: this "lame duck" still quacks!

This headline makes me happy... Warm and fuzzy... giddy as a drunken sailor. I love it when the left gets tweaked. Their pain is my gain. Is that wrong? I mean, "their pain is my gain" encapsulates Obama's "spreading of the wealth" economic plans.


Nah! I like this...

"Last-minute Bush abortion ruling causes furor"
A last-minute Bush administration plan to grant sweeping new protections to health care providers who oppose abortion and other procedures on religious or moral grounds has provoked a torrent of objections, including a strenuous protest from the government agency that enforces job-discrimination laws.

The proposed rule would prohibit recipients of federal money from discriminating against doctors, nurses and other health care workers who refuse to perform or to assist in the performance of abortions or sterilization procedures because of their "religious beliefs or moral convictions."
Well, well, well! President Bush sticks it to the pro-death crowd and proves that this "lame duck" still quacks.

Libs over at the daily (wac)kos are crying foul and say this Bush move is comparable to when "the bell has sounded and the losing fighter takes an obvious cheap shot against his opponent."

OK, I'll stick with that analogy for a sec... "I MUST BREAK YOU!" (another quote from the veritable genius, Ivan Drago)

Barack Obama has promised "The first thing I'd do as President is sign the Freedom Of Choice Act." "YEAH!," scream The One's knowledgeable and scholarly supporters, who have no idea what THAT even is.

SIDETRACK ALERT: Obama could say anything, and his supporters would cheer wildly in their cluelessness. I picture an old Steve Martin bit mistakenly loaded onto Obama's teleprompter during the campaign, causing him to say "I'd like a shoe with cheese on it, force it down my throat, and I want to massage your grandmother." The next day, his poll numbers skyrocket.

The so-called "Freedom of Choice Act" would strike down individual states ability to put limits on abortions. Per, it is "An old and dangerous bill that will increase abortions by an enormous amount... 36 states have parental involvement laws, 26 states have informed consent laws, and 34 states have funding restrictions."



SCENE: Rocky Balboa, in his red, white and blue trunks, pauses to kneel and pray before the fight.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

How Obama Got Elected: Media malpractice

I caught the Hannity and Colmes interview with John Ziegler segment between periods of the Red Wings hockey game last night. I am trying to wean myself back into the news of government and politics, but I'm still not completely over the post-election depression thing. Regular reader(s?) of Chattering Teeth are aware that I went on an "all Obama, all the time" anti-flatulance blog streak leading up to the election. It's been mostly a flatulating blog ever since. And it will continue to be. That's my promise to you (youse?)! Just the occasional deviation... like today's blog entry:
Media Malpractice:

Are you serious? Shut up!

INTERVIEWER: "Where do you get most of your information?"

"Bill Maher is a great one"
"New York Times"
"MSNBC is pretty cool"
"John Stewart"
"Colbert Report"

The mythical perpetual motion machine has finally been discovered!

"The term perpetual motion, taken literally, refers to movement that goes on forever."

Liberalism has insured that there are way more of these "educated idiots" than intelligent and knowledgeable "Chatteringteeth type" readers. They will blindly and emotionally continue to overwhelm actual thought at the polls.

Idiocracy indeed!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Virtual reality divorce

If you're like David Pollard, you like to spend the weekends in your copper longjohns, in full Second Life goggle mode.

Second Life affair leads to divorce
A WOMAN who met her husband on the internet has divorced him for "cheating" on her in virtual reality... The couple were both fans of Second Life - a game in which players create a new identity for themselves in a computer-generated world. Using 3D animated characters, known as avatars, users can move around and interact with others.

The couple were so devoted to the game that when they married at a registry office in July 2005, they marked the occasion by holding a virtual wedding in Second Life.

But, although the internet brought them together, it eventually tore them apart.

One day, Ms Taylor, 28, found Mr Pollard at the computer watching his avatar having sex with a prostitute in Second Life... The next day, Ms Taylor went straight to a solicitor to file for divorce from her 40-year-old husband of three years on the grounds of his "unreasonable behaviour".
I guess they'll be sending back the virtual crock pot I bought them as a wedding gift. I guess Ms. Taylor doesn't like playing second fiddle to a cartoon. Speaking of "fiddle", the adjacent picture is NOT a picture of David Pollard (who is right handed), but that of a fiddler crab named "Bobbit". FUN FACT: Male fiddler crabs can regenerate this appendage, if they lose it, say, in a fight with their spouse.

Sunday, November 16, 2008


in a Bantam AA youth hockey game
It was a 5 hour roundtrip from Flint, Michigan to Findlay, Ohio for my 14-year-old's hockey game. A game that lasted maybe an hour and a quarter. I remember thinking the road trip would be good "father and son" time. We didn't get out of the driveway before my boy had his seat back, headphones on, with his portable DVD player spinning out the first disc of the 5-disc Futurama box set.

Thankfully, Findlay is the farthest "away game" destination on the travel schedule. A little farther and I would have been making flight arrangements. Yes I know it sounds like I'm whining, and I am aware that some folks commute longer distances to work every day. Truth is, I love this youth hockey stuff! This is the boy's last year in travel before high school. This will all be over WAY TOO SOON. It's like everything else (and everyBODY) in life that you treasure. It is fleeting. Nothing is forever. Enjoy the here and now.

Yesterday's results you ask? Flint beat Findlay 12-2, improving their record to 4-2 for this young season. That is the way it should be. A Michigan team putting a butt-whooping to an Ohio team. Sets things back in balance in the universe.

There is another game today against Muskegon, and a game tomorrow against Troy, both home games. There is nothing DaBlade enjoys more than spending his free time in a frigid hockey rink. Talk about chattering teeth!

Lace 'em up boys!

Friday, November 14, 2008

Paulson splits pair of eights

"$700 Billion Switcheroo":
Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson's announced changes to the $700 financial bailout plan -- to focus on shoring up financial institutions that offer consumer credit rather than purchasing troubled assets...
"Paulson today said he changed his mind."

Hey, I'm entitled! You think my FIRST choice was to buy toxic mortgage assets? $700 Billion and some change can make for some questionable decision making. After the first few nights of hookers and booze, I started to think a little more clearly.

"You need to be able to change strategies as the facts change."

Facts change? Well one remains constant. This bailout business was a great idea. What could possibly go wrong, now that whole cities are jumping in the soup line with their hand out?

It is high time that we moved on from the economic model of capitalism, a model that has provided unbridled freedom and prosperity across the globe wherever it's been tried. What is a few hundred plus years of success when measured against some very tough months. It's time to chuck the whole system! Sure, government ownership hasn't worked anywhere yet, but we will try harder. If there is a total economic collapse as many predict, at least we can say we had good intentions.

How are YOU going to spend your bailout money?

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Future choice: Beer or a mobile home?

Walking house:
Artists in Denmark have teamed up with US scientists to create a walking house built on six hydraulic legs. They say it would make the ultimate home for beating floods or neighbours from hell, reports the Daily Telegraph.
A walking house? Is this really a good idea? I don't think so, especially in DENMARK, which just happens to be number eight on CNBC's list of Top 20 Beer Drinking Coutries. According to academic studies, Danish people have been ranked as the happiest people in the world. Carlsberg and Tuborg (89.9 liters per person) are two of (reasons why).

Hey fellas, I wouldn't leave the keys to the house with the misses if you plan on staying late at the pub. And you thought it was bad enough when you stumbled home and had to negotiate through a darkened house, hitting your shins on end tables because she had moved the furniture around on you again.

Back to the story:
The 10ft high home is solar and wind powered and can stroll at walking pace across all terrains. It has a living room, kitchen, toilet, bed, wood stove and mainframe computer which controls the legs.
This sounds like the ultimate bachelor pad! I would have mine revamped and retooled to run on good old fashioned fossil fuels. Best to be prepared for the windless and cloudy days. I can also imagine the rise of a new sport: house drag racing.

Of course, the "mainframe computer" controls would constantly have me worrying that a hacker would remotely steal my home.
"This house is not just for travellers but also for anyone interested in a more general way of nomadic living," he said.
Oh great! Ted "The Unabomber" Kaczynski roaming the coutryside in an Empirial Walker. That's all we need!
Designers say it provides a solution to the problem of rising water levels as the house can simply walk away from floods.
What an ingenious concept! A home that is mobile! How could this idea have eluded the great thinkers throughout history until now? Ain't progress grand?
The prototype cost £30,000 to build, including materials and time, but the designers believe it could be constructed for a lot less.
I have no idea what the heck a "£" is, but I bet that 30,000 of them would buy a whole lot of Carlsberg.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Stop, drop, and drool

Per Discover Magazine, A "pretend earthquake drill" planned for tomorrow:
On Thursday, November 13, the Caltech community, along with millions of other Southern Californians in homes, schools, businesses, government offices, and public places, will participate in the Great Southern California ShakeOut Earthquake Drill. At 10 a.m., everyone is encouraged to drop, cover, and hold on for 120 seconds in simulation of a magnitude 7.8 earthquake on the southern San Andreas Fault. Throughout the day, Caltech will conduct emergency preparedness drills on campus.

I think disaster preparedness makes sense. That's why I think we should coordinate this earthquake drill with an Obama Presidency disaster drill. At 10A.M. tomorrow, everyone should pull their pockets from their pants and leave them hanging empty and inside-out for all to see. Hoover flags will officially be renamed "Obama flags".

Then "Stop, drop, and drool." Hey, we might as well be ready for what's coming.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Willie the Parrot to the rescue!

I love a good "animal saves the day" story. They are heartwarming and make you feel good, especially in these times of tumult, chaos, and confusion. So sit back and enjoy today's blog feature - "The Willie the Parrot story"
From CBS4 in Denver, Babysitter: Parrot Saved Girl's Life With Warning
DENVER (CBS4) ― A babysitter's parrot is being credited with helping save the life of a 2-year-old girl who was choking Friday at a Denver area home while the sitter was in the bathroom. "...Willie (the parrot) started screaming like I'd never heard him scream before and he started flapping his wings," said Meagan, the babysitter. "Then he started saying 'mama baby' over and over and over again until I came out and looked at Hannah and Hannah's face was turning blue because she was choking on her pop tart."
If this story is ever turned into a major motion picture, I see Christina Applegate in the starring role in this babysitter sequel: "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Taking a Dump!"

According to the testimony from the babysitter so far, she is in the bathroom stinking up the joint, when in flies the parrot, violently flapping it's wings. Had the babysitter been a dude, he would have mistakenly thought Old Willie was just busting his chops over the smell and would not have been alerted to any problem. Thankfully, this was not the case.

"If (Willie) wouldn't have warned me, I probably wouldn't have come out of the bathroom in time because she was already turning blue, her lips were blue and everything," Meagan said.
This blog in no way intends to mislead the readers into thinking that this particular link leads to an actual photo of Hannah choking on a blueberry pop tart. Just move on. Nothing to see here.

Willie (the parrot) then astounded the babysitter even further by performing a flawless Heimlich maneuver on Hannah by wrapping his clipped wings around her and giving her a few abdominal thrusts until the pop tart was launched from her mouth. Willie performed three airborne somersaults and caught the pop tart in his beak in midair!

'mama baby''mama baby''mama baby''mama baby''mama baby''mama baby' 'SQUAAAAWK!'

Sure I made that last part up, but if this is going to be a major motion picture blockbuster, I need to take some artistic license.
Willie didn't say much when CBS4 visited on Sunday. Meagan said he is usually pretty talkative.
I'm guessing that Willie the Parrot saw how Joe the Plumber was recently treated by the media and has wisely decided to keep his beak shut. Wise bird.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Obama influencing baby names

The recent election of Barack Obama is apparently influencing new baby names:
Hollywood, Fla. — Barack Obama may have a “funny name,” as he once said — but it might just catch on among the nation’s newborns.

A Florida couple became among the country’s first to bestow it on their child, even before most news outlets had declared the Illinois senator the president-elect.

Sanjae Obama Fisher was born at 8 p.m. at Hollywood’s Memorial Regional Hospital to Patrick and Sasha Hall Fisher.
And in the spirit of following the example of their Messiah-Elect, "Barack '?' Obama", they are insisting to family members not to EVER mention Sanjae's middle name.

The iht says:
There have been other presidential naming trends in the past century, according to Social Security Administration data. Franklin jumped to No. 33 in 1933, up from No. 147 in 1931. Dwight surged in the 1950s and Lyndon in the 1960s. Theodore hit its peak in the first decade of the 20th century.

"Honoring new presidents with baby namesakes used to be an American tradition," said Laura Wattenberg, author of "The Baby Name Wizard."
Unlike years past though, it may take awhile for this trend to gather steam (what with Obama's "pro-infanticide" tendencies). Babies actually making it out alive to see their first birthday will become rarer and rarer. But occasionally, just like a few salmon are successfull in sneaking past the anglers and the bears feeding in the stream, some babies will actually still be born. These lucky few will need names.

The most popular baby names from the previous two Democrat presidents of "Lewinsky", "Impeachment", and "Malaise" will certainly be replaced now with The One's election. I predict it won't be long before these names start to appear:

Taxandspender Jones

Marxist Smith, but people call him "Marxie".

Infanticide Johnson, "Infanty" for short.

Spreadthewealthius Bartholomew II.

ACORN Fraud Brown.

Other popular first names:SenatorGovernment, PresidentGovernment, Arrogant, Elitist, Lier, Billofgoods, Disillusioned, Misery, Nowwe'vedoneit, Destitute, Surrender, Retreat, Inflationary, Unemployed, impecunious, penurious, and Tohellinahandbasket.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Messiah-Elect turns hurricane!

It has been just three days since Obama was elected president, and hurricane Paloma is turning north away from the U.S. Coincidence? Maybe the right-wing media would have you believe so! By pure force of will, President-Messiah-Elect Barack Obama is turning this hurricane away from our nation's shores.

If Obama had only been the Messiah-Elect when Katrina came barreling down on New Orleans! *sigh* But no, it was the evil President Bush, and we all know that Bush created and steered that storm, not just into the gulf and towards Louisianna, but directly into the Lower 9th Ward of New Orleans. Hmmm. Wonder why Mister Bush!

Here is the latest on Hurricane PALOMA from the National Hurricane Center:
Uhhh, "Hello?" Absolutely no mention of Obama as The One behind our good fortune. Sure, Rush Limbaugh and his ilk were quick to point out Obama's connections to the Weather Underground when they thought it might hurt Obama during the campaign, but nowhere on Fox News or talk radio can I find Obama receiving credit for his underground weather connections that he must have used in turning this Bush/Cheney monster storm away.

I see the light now:
My blogging until now has been very critical of Mister President-Messiah-Elect Obama. I must have been confused, and I am very embarrassed that I ever doubted Obama's powers before. I used to believe in silly notions like "cause and effect". When the housing bubble popped and the subprime mortgage crisis led to the current meltdown, I looked for root causes. All I blindly saw was Barney Frank and his Democrat comrades running Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, forcing the uncontrolled propagation of high-risk loans onto banks like a giant house of cards. Loans supposedly to "help the poor" by allowing them into homes they couldn't afford. What I conveniently ignored at the time was that PRESIDENT BUSH was in the White House.

My ignorant "cause and effect" beliefs seem so juvenile looking back now. Consider that I used to think a lunar eclipse had something to do with the Earth blocking the sun's rays on the moon. Now I understand that an eclipse is caused by a large dragon swallowing the moon. The next time I see this, I will join the believers in beating our drums and producing great noise to frighten the dragon away. Of course, we don't have to worry about any dragons now that we have Messiah-Elect Barack Obama!

Watch this video if you still need inspiration.

And to think that I was almost at the point of joining that unfortunate non-believer on the video above (from 3:07 to 3:15).

IOWAHAWK says it best: Election Analysis: America Can Take Pride In This Historic, Inspirational Disaster

"...It reminds us of how far we've come, and it's something everyone in our nation should celebrate in whatever little time we now have left."

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Gore Demands a recount!

WARNING: This video will unite us in our crying. Who cares the individual motivation for the tears, united is united!

Video via Flopping Aces:

"Today, we are all Americans!" Even those Europeans that used to hate us, why, they're Americans too! Barack Obama will unite ALL of us once and for all.

All 63 million of us!

Some of the other 56 million political homeless in this country are not exactly feeling this unity, as the "IMPEACH OBAMA" group is growing exponentially.

"Sore losers! Should these people give our new President-elect the same courtesy and respect that was shown to President Bush these last 8 years?"

Oh. Nevermind.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Island Pursuit

WTF! I just found out that the globe has ALREADY been circumnavigated! WHY DIDN'T SOMEBODY TELL ME THIS BEFORE NOW? Check it out on Google map if you don't believe me. Apparently, every land mass has been accounted for. What the heck am I supposed to do with the boat that I painstakingly hand-carved from the old Willow that used to weep in my back yard? You mean to tell me that I stayed up all night whittling for nothing?

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: This video is not really actual footage of me whittling my boat last night, but rest assured, it is an uncanny representation. I'm not sure what this guy is whittling, nor why his wife is filming him doing this, but I think we can all agree in a bipartisan way that it is fascinating. And frankly, when it comes right down to it, why else would you come to this blog except for random crap like this?

Anywho... what were we discussing? Oh yeah, I remember. The island thing. So I have this shiny new boat, but no place to row to. Even this frozen wasteland I found on the map called "Canada" is already populated, at least according to wiki. I guess I have to give up the dream of finding a tiny uninhabited island, complete with sandy beaches, gentle tropic breezes, palm trees, coconuts, a bamboo hut, and a volleyball to keep me company. *sigh*

THEN THE IDEA STRUCK ME! If it doesn't exist now, why not build one? I could be what they used to call one of those "entra-punewers" they used to have a lot of around these parts until they became extinct around 2009. So I lit up a marijuana stick (hey, they've been legal now for almost as long as tobacco has been illegal - at least here in Michigan, and it all started with something called "proposal 1"). OK, back to my story. So I'm sitting at my computer, smoking a joint and munching on some freeze-dried fruit and human embryo trail mix from a bowl, when I stumbled upon a website called "How Islands Form".

I'm guessing that it is a super secret government website that was never meant for my eyes, but through luck or fate, I had somehow stumbled through the back door! And now I share it here with you!:
1. An island is any comparatively small body of land completely surrounded by water.
2. Islands can form in several ways, including rising water level, growth of coral, and volcanism.
3. Plant and animal species can travel to islands by air or water.
BINGO! Number two on this list was not meant for mine eyes, but that genie can't be forced back into it's bottle! So how should I make my island? The "rising water" thing sounds easy until you realize after about two thousand toilet flushes that it doesn't really seem to work. The "volcanism" idea sounds like the most fun, but I would have absolutely no idea where to look for Spock (Genesis?).

That leaves "growth of coral" by default. I hurriedly completed my research before the security breach was discovered and the site was removed. It appeared that I would need some sea organisms for my island building pursuit. Checking my pockets, I realized that I didn't have any sea organisms. To make matters worse, I discovered that a newly formed island is nothing but a pitiful barren and windswept thing.

Then I thought to myself, "barren and windswept?" Heck, all I have to do is wait around here for that! First things first though. Does anyone know where I can get a secondhand Volleyball cheap?

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Disenfranchise a liberal today

Election day for a Republican in the state of Michigan feels like a lamb to slaughter. To my fellow conservatives in this overwhelmingly Democrat State of insanity Michigan, don't dispair! Sure, your vote for McCain/Palin will be buried in the sink hole of brainless emotional support for Obama, and the 17 electoral votes will all go to The One. That doesn't mean you should sit this one out!

Have some fun to stay motivated. Do what I do. I pick my "favorite" Democrat and let them know that I am officially "calling them out" and "canceling them out" with my vote. Sure it's just purely psychological, but it will make you feel better, trust me. And as a side benefit, it just may drive your liberal "friend" a little more nuts (which is just a short drive for them to begin with).

Remember the last words of a great American patriot named Nathan Hale before being executed by the British in 1776 at the age of 21:

"I only regret that I have but one life to give for my country."

I would say that my only regret is that I have but one vote to cancel out one Democrat from Michigan.

Who should I pick for this honor? Surely, this is a target-rich environment. I could easily choose local lib columnist, Andrew Heller, but I'm guessing a loyal right-thinking Chattering Teeth reader can cover me here by taking out Andy. After all, I only get to do this once.

This year I choose...[Drum Roll]

Kevin McKague.

Kevin, as of now please understand that for all intents and purposes, your vote won't count. I will be casting my vote for McCain/Palin, rendering your vote obsolete. Sure, it will count in as much as your vote will also cancel out mine, but I called it first! My proactive announcement of my intention counteracts an anticipated claim on your part to this effect. Your guy will very probably win this state, but take no comfort in a delusional belief that you had anything to do with it, for I am only voting this year to cancel you out. Consider yourself disenfranchised.

I guess I am assuming that Kevin is voting (at least once) for Obama for president and that he is not writing in his long-time love interest, Michael Moore.

The only Democrat I will be voting for today will be Jim Slezak, State Representative in the 50th District. Not that I have anything against the Republican Douglas O'Neal, but I feel my vote can more effectively "kill two birds with one stone" with a vote FOR a pro-life Democrat, AND a vote NOT for Kevin McKague, who happens to be running for this seat also.

Not that I have anything personal against McKague, a truck driver by trade. We have many an interesting and enjoyable contest where I have repeatedly displayed my intellectual superiority. Let me put it this way: If I was a windmill manufacturer looking to have these beauties hauled to some gullible environmentalist's compound, McKague wouldn't be at the top of my list of potential haulers. Like most Democrats, he is a little "slow with the load", if you get my drift. He is always stopping at the truck stops to use their internet kiosks to spew his leftwing ideology while his cargo goes stale.

Why am I having so much fun with Kevin at his expense? Because of [THIS]:
McKague joined the race after the primary because he feels Slezak, who is endorsed by Right to Life, doesn't have a detailed platform and isn't a true Democrat.
If Kevin jumps into the political ring because a fellow Democrat has the cohones to proclaim he is against infanticide, then I believe this makes him fair game for my fodder.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

A Case For McCain/Palin

I grew up in a blue collar middle class family in Flint, Michigan. I was one of 5 children, and we certainly were not rich. Like most Flint families in those days, we came from deep GM and, consequently, Democrat roots. One of my mother's favorite stories of her childhood involved being passed through the shop window into the waiting arms of her father, who hadn't been home for awhile due to his participation in the Great Flint Sit-Down Strike of 1936-37. But roots of our "Catholic faith" and "family" were instilled much deeper than some blind following of a political party.

My dad was a City of Flint cop, a Detective-Sergeant on the homicide squad. We always had family dinners, sometimes with my dad still in his sport coat and tie, the bulge from his .38-caliber service revolver clearly visible on his hip. He used to like to quote an old Air Force drill sergeant from his youth while in the service:

"You woiks(work) until your back hoits (hurts). you woiks until my back hoits. And THEN you gets the gravy."

Of course, my dad taught me much more by his example then by speeches and pithy quotes. He imparted to me the core values that I hold dear. He always told me that I could be anything I wanted to be if I was willing to work hard for it. He never said that it should be given to me, nor was I ever made to believe that anyone had a right to take what was rightfully mine.

I was brought up with these simple values: to love God; to love my country; to work hard; to respect the law; and he taught my brothers and me that if someone messed with one of us, they messed with all of us. None of these values can be found in today's Democrat party.

Sundays were set aside for church, where I learned from Jesus early on that "'Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with thy whole heart, and with thy whole soul, and with thy whole mind.' This is the greatest and the first commandment. And the second is like it, 'Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.'" That is why I am generous in my charitable contributions through my work and through my church. Not only is charity my responsibility as a member of this human family, it is my absolute duty as a Christian to help those less fortunate.

A Catholic priest actually said the following to my wife recently when discussing the choices in the upcoming election:

"I'm pro-life, but I am also for helping the poor."

Was he trying to imply that the two concepts are mutually exclusive? That you have to choose one or the other, but you can't have both from the same candidate? That's insane! Even if I were to buy this ludicrous premise, does the sanctity of human life EVER take second place to ANYTHING? The answer is "NO".

But the premise is a false one, for Jesus also said to “Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s, and give to God what is God’s." In this, Caesar represents government, and Jesus does not tell us to give EVERYTHING to Caesar so that Caesar can then redistribute the wealth to the poor. That was Obama who said that, and contrary to what Obamas' followers think about him, he is not the messiah.

As for Obama's confiscatory tax plans, he will minimize, if not take away entirely my ability to make charitable contributions. I, and millions like me, will no longer be able to afford it. How will that help the poor? Small businesses will not longer be able to hire additional workers because of Obama's Marxist strategy. Sincerely, I ask again, how does this help the poor exactly?

The confused Catholic priest who responded to my wife in the above manner should listen to this, from Father John Corapi (no, he is not really Jean-Luc Picard):
We not only have the right, we have the absolute moral obligation to know our religion, to form our conscience in accordance with that religion, and yes, even to vote in accordance with the a well-formed catholic conscience... You must form your conscience to church teaching... This is a no-brainer. This is not rocket science. I continue to be amazed at the gross ignorance of so many catholics, and there is no excuse for it. The Bishops have clarified this... there is an overriding preeminently important issue that concerns a right. It concerns the right to life. No other issue takes precedents over that. It's amazing the inane arguments that come forth. Presidential candidates that say, "well a woman has a right to choose." Parroting that sick, hackneyed expression over and over again. You want to ask... Choose what? Have you ever noticed it's the only case in language where they don't finish the sentence? The right to choose? CHOOSE WHAT? The right to choose to kill an innocent human being? Is that a right, or is that a destruction of a right?
Beam me up number one!

"The holocaust that is abortion" continued:
Here's what the church teaches. Life begins at conception. That's a fact. Number two: A single abortion is a homicide. Since Roe versus Wade in this country we have had more than 48 million abortions. Homicide now has become genocide. This country is guilty of genocide, by definition. And what's the persecuted group? Unwanted, unborn children.
A Catholic cannot be said to have voted in this election with a good conscience if they have voted for a pro-abortion candidate. Barack Hussein Obama is a pro-abortion candidate. End of discussion.

I recognize that not all readers of this blog are Catholics. For you, it would seem the choice would still be pretty easy. Obama wants to turn this country into one giant soup line with his socialistic spreading of the wealth. He will absolutely destroy the will of the American worker, and along the way, the American dream itself with these extremist policies of punishing achievement and equal misery for all. His Supreme Court appointments will garauntee a continued crumbling of the righteous foundation on which this nation was built. Roe v. Wade will be locked in for another generation ensuring that this abomination, this usurping of the Constitution, will stand as the fulcrum point on which this Republic's moral pyramid totters.

There is still time. Now go do the right thing.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Joe "The Feebleminded Democrat"

The most ridiculous lame excuse I've heard for not voting for McCain is because of his 11th hour campaign decision to write off Michigan and walk away. Obama didn't stop spending campaign dollars in Michigan. Somehow that makes Obama more "caring" for the people of Michigan, and really that's all we need from our politicians is more caring. That last sentence was sarcasm, which is to say that I didn't really mean it.

I can understand hearing that argument from a drunken friend while we are in transit to a Red Wing game. But I've heard that argument from otherwise sober people. How about a "pros and cons" discussion about the impact on Michigan with this issue: McCain making the Bush tax cuts permanent versus Obama effectively giving EVERYONE a tax INCREASE (yes, he has been lying to you) by letting them expire.

Joe "The Feebleminded democrat": Oh yeah? Well McCain just turned his back on Michigan! Why should I vote for John "McSame" when he doesn't care about me? How can he give ME a hug after he leaves?

DaBlade: You're right. He should have kept traveling around the state wasting his limited time and dollars on a NO-WIN situation when the polls showed an insurmountable Obama lead. THAT would have been just brilliant. Now I will admit that he was a bonehead for announcing this pullout. But please, don't confuse campaign strategy with effectiveness of POLICY once elected.

Uncomfortable Fact alert: Obama didn't continue to campaign in all 57 states (sic), pulling out of Alaska, North Dakota, Montana and Georgia, to name a few.

FJ columnist John Tomlinson had it right in his October 12th column, Why did John McCain pull out of Michigan? Maybe because Michigan is stuck on stupid. He writes:
A new Rasmussen Poll said 59 percent of Americans believe our legislators are so inept, they'd vote to replace the entire Congress. I bet the other 41 percent live in Michigan. Maybe McCain pulled out because he found us so stuck on stupid, he decided to go to where people would listen.

He realized what we all realize. Voters in Michigan vote for the same person decade after decade, even after that person proves to be the worst imaginable one for the job.
Joe "The Feebleminded democrat": As long as that "person" is a democrat. If there is one thing that everyone around these parts knows, it's that Democrats are for the blue collar middle class working stiffs, and the Republicans are for the rich.

DaBlade: That's right. Keep drinking that Kool-Aid.