Thursday, March 31, 2016

Trump on Women Who Have Abortions: Go After Their Families?

Texts From Newt with the help of

CHATTERING TEETH NEWS - Donald Trump said Wednesday that he would kill the families of the women who had abortions  because he's very pro-life, Okay?

"These women care about their families lives, don't kid yourself. When they say they don't care about their lives, you have to take out their families," Trump said.


"Excuse me," said Trump. "I have to take this text from Newt, my unofficial behind-the-scenes establishment policy advisor."

Trump pulls out his cell phone, which looks as large as a wall-mounted flat screen TV in his tiny little baby hands, and reads...

Minutes later, Mr. Trump recanted his remarks.

"I didn't say we would punish these women," contradicted Trump. "Listen, I love women, believe me. These women are tremendous, Okay? But these doctors who are chopping off heads, they are the ones we should be waterboarding, Okay?"

So you would allow U.S. interrogators to waterboard physicians?

"And a hell of a lot worse than waterboarding,” said Trump. "And so much worse and much stronger. torture works. Believe me, it works. Okay?"

The reporter begrudgingly agreed with Mr. Trump after having 3 fingernails removed.


"Excuse me," said Trump. "I have to take this text from Newt."

"So just to recap," said the CTN reporter, as he bandaged his bleeding hand. "You would allow the torture of doctors and the killing of their loved ones?"

"Frankly, it will never happen, Okay? Killing the families of the women who had abortions is a THREAT that if they don't behave, if they don't follow the rules and regulations so that we can have it equal on both sides, THEN we will kill them,” Trump said.


Frankly, I was wrrr... wrrr.. not exactly right.

"What I will do is build a tremendous wall around these women's uteruses," said Trump. "It will be a big, beautiful womb wall, believe me. And I will get the doctors to pay for it, THAT I will tell you!"


Wednesday, March 30, 2016

The Gospels According to Trump

CHATTERING TEETH NEWS - Donald Trump opens up his special version of the Bible, and With daughter Ivanka on his lap,  begins to read her a bedtime story.

Jesus' Apostle Manager, Simon Peter, has been arrested and charged with Simple Battery, according to Roman soldiers.

You probably have heard of this story in the bible. Eight Lukes 45 or something. It's what you like, right? It's a tremendous story of faith in me... I mean that Jesus fella.

The bible tells a story about a woman who suffered terribly from severe bleeding for 12 years. Worse than even Megyn Kelly, who had blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever. That, I will tell you.

So this woman sees Jesus walking with a tremendous crowd. Everywhere we go, we get these tremendous crowds. So this woman comes up from behind Jesus and touches his robe.

Jesus looked at her.  In fact, one of the great pictures is Jesus going like this like, get away from me, who is this person?  Okay? 

Now thankfully, Jesus had some muscle with Him. Now this lady says later that she was grabbed on the arm and that she was jolted backwards. Give me a break, give me a break.

Simon Peter, Jesus' campaign manager, denied even knowing who this woman 3 times in one tweet:

“You are totally delusional. I never touched you. As a matter of fact, I have never even met you.”

Once Jesus realized the overhead video of the alleged incident would be subpoenaed and Simon Peter's denial would be exposed, He turned it over to the authorities first so it would look magnanimous on His part. Frankly, Jesus had a really good brain, that I will tell you.

Then Jesus used His powers over the news transcribers in order to spin the story for all of His free media outlets. He said, "Frankly, it would be so easy for me to terminate Simon Peter, ruin his life, ruin his family. Hang him upside-down and say you're fired. Okay?  I fired many people, especially on my hit sermon on the mount The Apostles."

I fully think apologizing’s a great thing, but you have to be wrong... If I am ever wrong, I will apologize” "No, she did not go down on the ground."

Why is she allowed to grab me and shout questions? I felt the power leave me when she touched me. She probably isn't even bleeding anymore. Can I press charges?”

That's enough for tonight, Ivanka. Tomorrow I will read you the story of Lyin' Judas and how he betrayed Jesus for 30 pieces of silver from Goldman Sachs.

LUKE 8:43-45

43 Now there was a woman suffering from a haemorrhage for the past twelve years, whom no one had been able to cure.

44 She came up behind him and touched the fringe of his cloak; and the haemorrhage stopped at that very moment.

45 Jesus said, 'Who was it that touched me?' When they all denied it, Peter said, 'Master, it is the crowds round you, pushing.'

46 But Jesus said, 'Somebody touched me. I felt that power had gone out from me.'

47 Seeing herself discovered, the woman came forward trembling, and falling at his feet explained in front of all the people why she had touched him and how she had been cured at that very moment.

48 'My daughter,' he said, 'your faith has saved you; go in peace.'

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Easter Basket Toy Fails 2016


Hey, kids... What's in YOUR Easter Basket?  Here are my top picks for this year's "Worst Easter Basket Toys Likely to Make Your Child Cry" award.

1. In the, "It sounded better in the board room than how it turned out on the factory floor" department - What do you get when you cross a Chattering Teeth Wind-up toy with the Easter Bunny Rabbit?

Apparently, a Chattering men's Restroom Urinal Toy? Talk about having a potty mouth!
Looking for the bunny trail, our funny rabbit chomps his teeth and hops on his big white feet!  The pink nose bunny teeth is a silly addition to your Easter fun.  Just wind up his big front teeth and his chompers go into crazy action as he hops around on his toes.
I think I know the reason why Peter is hopping around on his toes! And don't step in that bunny trail...

or how about...

2. Blue Bunny Rabbit Easter Walks Wind-up toy
This cute bunny is in great used condition. He was never played with. He does work. From smoke free home. Please see my other windup toys on eBay too.

Never been played with? Now there's a shocker. And I'm sorry, if I'm going to buy a used toy on eBay for my child to put the small parts in their mouth, the least you could do is have the common courtesy of coating it in yellowed nicotine.

And the winner for this year's Creepiest Easter Basket toy goes to...

3. Baby Boy Barry Wind Up Cute Crawler
The cutest baby wind up ever! Baby Barry wiggles his diaper as he crawls across the floor. His head is posable for those adorable baby photos. What a great baby shower gift! Collect all three baby wind-ups for fun baby races!
Throw in an extra $50 bucks and Baby Boy Barry will repeat anti-American, cop-hating, race-baiting,  anti-Christian and Jewish slanders, and pro-moozlim and communist propaganda phrases!

Whew! I believe that baby is carrying a full load. Time for more hope and diaper change!

And last but not least, an old time Chattering Teeth best-selling original!


Wooden Obama thumb puppet toy with red wood base - VINTAGE Old-time toy! Push up on the bottom of his base, he will wiggle, jiggle, and dance! Hold the button in and he will immediately collapse in a full blown treasonous bow; release and he "snaps" back upright! (Japanese Emporers and Saudi kings are not included) Fun toy for all liberals. 4 inches tall. VERY Small parts. Not recommended for adults with intellects over three years of age.  Made in China.

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Chattering Teeth in a hoodie

1. How Many Donuts Are in a Baker's Dozen?
2. How many days are there in the 40 days of Lent?
3. How many donuts can be consumed during the 10 minute ride home from Donna's Donuts on Easter morning before projectile vomiting commences?

Answers: 1. 13 (answer why is below), 2. 46 (no obligation to fast on the six Sundays in Lent, a loophole of which I never took full advantage) and 3. TBD

It was 3AM on Easter morning as the baker pulled into the donut shop parking lot. He was running late and had a lot of work to do in preparation of the 6AM opening. He liked the solitude of these early mornings, so he was slightly startled when his headlights grazed across a lone set of Chattering Teeth in a hoodie huddled by the locked front door...

The above short story was a reenactment of an anticipated encounter tomorrow morning. Based on the opening questions, you may have surmised that I have given up donuts for Lent. You would be correct in your surmising, as well as desserts of any kind, cookies, donuts, candy, potato chips and the rest of the salted snack family, donuts...  did I already mention I gave up donuts?

I have never camped out on a Black Friday for the "privilege" of shopping. To me, that would be like arriving to a dentist appointment early (instead of my 10-minutes-late tradition), or better yet - getting to the funeral home before it opens.

In fact, the only times I would get up early to try and be first in line was back in the old days and before online concert ticket sales, when a friend and I would camp out at a Ticket Master location in Flint's northend on the dawn of the latest Jimmy Buffet concert ticket sale. His shows would get sold out within the first 5 minutes, so first in line was a big deal.

Oh sure, there were other outlets in safer parts of town, but the local residents of this particular establishment were more interested in corner crack sales than going to Margaritaville. We were first in line for several years in a row until the internet also killed that golden goose. And what's a flesh wound when weighing against pavilion seating for Buffet's opening show at DTE?

So why are there 13 donuts in a Baker's Dozen?

According to Wonderopolis, no one knows for sure. My own theory involves common core as the leading cause, as well as causing the fall of Rome. Here's theirs...
The most popular explanation for the term baker's dozen appears to be the strict laws that applied to bakers hundreds of years ago. Long ago, bread was a primary source of food for many people, especially the poor. Unfortunately, it was also very easy for bakers to cheat customers by using less wheat and selling loaves that were lighter than expected.

"...cheating bakers in ancient Egypt could have their ears cut off and nailed to the door of their bakery. "

...To avoid the possibility of such penalties, many bakers began to include a 13th loaf of bread with every dozen sold. This extra loaf made up for any possibility that the other 12 loaves might be light. Over time, that group of 13 loaves of bread became known as a baker's dozen, and that's what we still call it today!

So if you happen to stop by the house on Easter morning and wonder why there are ears nailed to the 'fridge (and why I am wearing a hoodie), don't forget to ask me for the answer to question 3.

Friday, March 25, 2016

It's Friday... But Sunday's a Coming

Do you know that Jesus was thinking of you while He suffered and died on the cross? I don't mean in the generic, "thinking of mankind" kind of way. I mean, He was thinking of YOU specifically. It's true.

If video does not play here, go to:
You Tube: It’s Friday, But Sunday’s Coming

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Miniature Crustacean Atrocity

I don't know what the cost of this research in blood and treasure, but just the knowledge that Prozac in the Water Makes Fighting Fish More Mellow is priceless. 
Across all the behavioral tests, fish exposed to the antidepressant were less bold. They stayed in one place, explored their environment less, and were more hesitant to approach other fish. Their behavior was also more erratic. A higher dose of the drug caused a more dramatic effect.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day;  teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.

 Give a Fish an Antidepressant, and...  I dunno. It sits at the bottom of your 10-gallon aquarium tank near the aerating ornamental treasure chest and stares at it's fin?

 Let us continue...
In an earlier study, Dzieweczynski drugged female fighting fish with fluoxetine and saw similar results. The effect was a bit stronger in male fish, she says—maybe because they have higher levels of serotonin or testosterone to begin with.
It is not mentioned in the article whether Dzieweczynski, a psychologist at the University of New England, knows Bill Cosby, but I'll wager you a box of pudding pops there will be a law suit for plagiarizing from his research experiments.

Which reminds me of a story from my late teens, with a slight variation of this experiment. Instead of administering varying degrees of fluoxetine on Siamese fighting fish in a controlled environment, a 'friend' used a few pours from his tequilla into my Sea-Monkey aquarium.

Sea Monkeys are an extremely hardy brine shrimp said to be able to survive dehydrated stasis, water boarding and long term exposure to radiation from space travel, but a Tuesday night Lockhead Street party (my parent's bowling night) in the southend of Flint in the late 70's? They never had a chance.

Here is a google street view of my childhood abode, and scene of the aforementioned miniature crustacean atrocity. It looks a little different and is missing some shrubs and a tree or two, but it is the home of so many great memories.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Obama Castroted in Cuba

Obama was taking in baseball games and being "Castroted" in Cuba (h/t Bamboo Bob) while Izlamo terrorist nazis continue to rampage.
But Obama now promises he is taking steps to make sure this never happens again...

Meanwhile, Raul demonstrates to the state-controlled press (his, not ours) using his favorite obama double, Tasty Tyrone the castrated inflatable love doll, how he humiliated America...
Tasty Tyrone certainly seems a little more presidential, dontcha think?

How's that, kid?

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Obama Rescued with Makeshift Cuban Flotilla

Said to have fled Cuba early due to the absence of a good Waygu Rib Eye and a quality golf course.

CHATTERING TEETH NEWS - The Coast Guard Rescued President Obama and the First Family just off the coast of Miami, Florida, after having traveled 90 miles from Cuba and accompanied by several dozens of Cuban refugees fleeing in rickety boats and homemade vessels built from old car parts and inner tubes.

According to the Coast Guard Captain of the rescuing craft, the USCG Boaty McBoatface, the president was pulled from his rubber ducky pool float wearing a Che T and chewing on a shaved ice snow cone. When questioned about the health of the president, Captain McPoopy Pants said Obama appeared extremely gaunt and drawn, which for him means he appeared to actually have gained a few pounds during his Cuban vacation.

And what a vacation it was, spent with the Cuban tyrant and bashing America's shortcomings:
Obama accepted the standard communist rationale for totalitarianism, that it brings “security” in the form of health care and education. The former is necessary to keep the subjects alive and serving the state, the latter to teach them to obey communism.

...He went on eventually to compare ISIS to the Christian crusaders.

Captain McPoopy Pants stated that the obama's would likely still be floating in the Atlantic had the rescue helicopter not spotted a huge Mooshell sunning herself on an inflatable barge.

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Palm Sunday for Obama, Havana in the Highest

An excerpt from The Obama Memoir Chronicles
1 - It was almost game time as Obama and Raul Castro neared the baseball stadium in Havana, Cuba. Raul had planned on entering the stadium with the U.S. president in a mule-drawn carriage to cheering throngs.

2 - Obama had a better idea, and sent two of his secret service detail disciples to the airport in order to bring back the decked-out presidential limousine so they could travel before the masses in style.

3 - "Go now. You will find 'The Beast' tethered to Airforce One on the tarmac," said obama. "If anyone says anything to you, you are to say, 'The One needs it and will send it back when he is done.'"

4 - The pool reporters spread their cloaks on the road, while others were cutting branches from the trees and spreading them in obama's path. Havana in the highest!


Palm Sunday is the final Sunday of Lent and the beginning of Holy Week.  Faithful Christians are expected to celebrate this feast day by traveling to Havana, Cuba and taking in a baseball game with BFF, communist dictator and human rights violator extraordinaire,  Raul Castro.

Obama will likely be expected to cheer vociferously for the beloved Cuban national team, and to insist the visiting American Tampa Bay Rays players kneel in submission on the chalk lines with their hands clasped behind their heads for the Cuban national anthem.

Personally, I think this is a great sacrifice obama is making, as he would much rather be celebrating Palm Sunday like he normally does - in Palm Beach on the golf course.

EXCERPT from last year's Palm Sunday
Obama's Passion - Golf in Palm Beach on Sunday
On this Palm Sunday, I should like to compare and contrast a King and an ass.

PICTURED: An ass who thinks he's a king, sits in his limousine after arriving in Palm City, Florida, in order to pursue his passion - golf.

PICTURED: The Master and King of the universe, sits on an ass and makes His triumphal entry of into Jerusalem on the first Palm Sunday in order to begin His Passion - His torture and crucifixion for our salvation.

Palm Sunday – A King and a Donkey
by Bishop Robert Barron
A donkey was, in Jesus’ time, much what it is today: a humble, simple, unassuming little animal, used by very ordinary people to do their work. The wealthy and powerful might own horses or a team of oxen and a political leader might ride a stately steed, but none of them would have anything to do with donkeys.

All of his public career, Jesus had resisted when people called him the Messiah. He sternly ordered them to be silent. When they came to carry him off and make him King, he slipped away.

But now he is willing to be proclaimed precisely at the moment when he rides into Jerusalem on a donkey. The Gospel is clear: this is not only a donkey; it is a colt, the foal of an ass, on whom no one had ever previously sat. This is a young, inexperienced, unimpressive donkey. This is the animal upon whom Jesus rides into town in triumph. In other words, this is no ordinary King; this is not the Messiah that they expected.

Now let us look even more closely at the animal. Jesus tells two of his disciples to go into a neighboring town and to find this beast of burden. “If anyone asks, respond, ‘the Master has need of it’” (Matthew 21:3). The humble donkey, pressed into service, is a model of discipleship. Our purpose in life is not to draw attention to ourselves, to have a brilliant career, or to aggrandize our egos. Rather, our purpose is to serve the Master’s need—to cooperate, as he sees fit, with his work.

What was the donkey’s task? He was a “Christopher,” a Christ-bearer. He carried the Lord into Jerusalem, paving the way for the passion and the redemption of the world. Would anyone have particularly noticed him? Probably not, except perhaps to laugh at this ludicrous animal.

The task of every disciple is just the same: to be a “Christopher,” a bearer of Christ to the world. Might we be unnoticed in this? Yes. Might we be laughed at? Of course. But the Master has need of us and so we perform our essential task.

Saturday, March 19, 2016


Woman mysteriously 'disappears' during a live TV interview 

Where did she go? Internet is baffled after woman 'DISAPPEARS' on live TV Woman at an airport luggage carousel is there one minute and not the next A passenger talks to her over her shoulder and then moves forward But suddenly the lady is no longer in sight, baffling the internet

This is the crazy moment a woman seemed to disappear on live television.

There have been numerous theories put forward regarding the what happened to the disappearing lady. Some say she is a ghost. Some blame alien abduction. Maybe a momentary black hole created by that particle accelerator at CERN punched through the fabric of space and time to swallow her?

I think her husband deserves an answer, don't you? I bet if he tried, he could get his room comped and a replacement bag sent up to his room. The airlines would do this for lost luggage, so...

Regardless of THE ANSWER, I will say that I think the wrong question is being asked. Instead of asking, "where did the woman go?," let's start asking...

"Isn't it worth a try?"

What if the exact same set of circumstances that led to this woman's disappearance could be recreated? What if the same Norwegian TV reporter was interviewing the same Danish sports guy and the same woman with a suitcase-laden trolley was positioned in the background and looking over her shoulder as she walked past...???
Don't we owe it to our children and our children's children to at least try?

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Michelle Obama Says She Will Not Run For President - A Nation Mourns

...and school lunchrooms riot from pure joy all across the country

Michelle has not ruled out accepting the GOP establishment's selection of her as a compromise candidate and someone demonstrably more conservative than Trump at a brokered GOP convention.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Cruz Path to Nomination

Do you really want to be counter-culture and fight the rich and well-connected? Then jump on the Cruz bandwagon!
“If you stand and fight for conservative principles, you will be vilified by Democrats, you will be vilified by Republicans, you’ll be vilified by the mainstream media...” 

Assuming "Missouri breaks" for Trump, the count is: 673 Trump vs 396 CruZ

To get to the magic number of 1,237 delegates, Cruz needs 841 more, or a little over 77% of the remaining delegates.

Now that Marco is out of the race the Trumpster might want to buckle up, put his Manhattan Cocktail in a travel sippy cup and give his squirrel's nest another liberal shot of hairspray because the ride is about to get a lot bumpier.

True Christian conservatives have wanted a one-on-one matchup between Cruz and Trump all along. We still have faith in the American people (maybe naively so) that given the choice between a principled conservative in Cruz, versus a populist statist in Trump, that they would do the right thing.

Trump has been happy with his 35-38% support as long as the rest was split among the other 16 candidates in the race.  As candidates have dropped out, Trump has gained very little additional support. Back in October of last year, Cruz was sitting at just 10% in the Polls, well behind Trump. Back then like-minded conservative folks had a choice between Ben Carson, Carly Fiorina, Rand Paul, Bobby Jindal, Rick Santorum and to some extent - even Marco Rubio and Mike Huckabee.

They are all now out, along with all but one of the establishment statists. As far as I am concerned, John "hand puppets"  Kasich may be even better than irrelevant. I believe the small support he gets is drawing away from Trump. I can't imagine any Kasich supporter would join the Cruz coalition.

Let Trump suck on his own medicine now, as evidenced by this:

Ohio Town Split Between John Kasich and Donald Trump
The largest attraction in (Mansfield) is a prison, the Ohio State Reformatory, where the movie “The Shawshank Redemption” was shot... People who voted for Mr. Kasich said they hoped to block Mr. Trump’s path to the nomination.

Ted Cruz has said in his stump speeches, “Washington is looking for solutions for Washington — not solutions that empower citizens across the nation to succeed... Instead Washington solutions invariably help the rich and well-connected.”

It's time to defeat Washington cartel.

Maybe my good friend Andy Dufresne put it best when he said, "I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying."

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Flint Faucets

Just my luck. I drew The Flint Faucets in the office March Madness pool. Oh sure, they pour it in and fill bucket after bucket early and often. "He fills it up... he drains it again!," says the announcer. More often than not, though, they just leach their lead. But I do have high hopes for these new replacement players. 

Friday, March 11, 2016

Reince Priebus is the "RINO Whisperer"

From the producers of Cesar 911 staring Cesar Millan as the "Dog Whisperer". Now comes -
Reince 911

Reince Priebus is the "RINO Whisperer". As the chairman of the RNC, he answers emergency calls from the GOP-insiders who become terrorized by unruly candidates. Renowned RED-DOG and RINO behavior authority Reince Priebus is beckoned by the ruling elite establishment and status-quo corporatists to address rogue Republican candidates exhibiting conservative principles.  

In each episode, Reince is briefed by the power brokers in a darkened and smoke-filled back room, then he evaluates both the offending candidate and their supporters through impromptu visits to campaign headquarters and rallies to see for himself these outrageous liberty-loving behaviors.

Rehabilitation programs are set up and referred to by Reince as the "Doggie bisquet vs the stick" technique. First, committee appointments and/or campaign contribution bribes by crony capitalist lobbyists are offered in exchange for submission. If there is not the desired behavioral changes with the candidate recognizing the establishment as their pack leader, Reince will then resort to "the stick" that involves threats, coercion and arm twisting.

If all else fails and the candidate continues to insist on exhibiting a love of conservative principles and the Constitution, a surreptitious smear campaign is launched with the help of the establishment media led by Fox News in order to destroy the offender and to push their own big government agenda.

surveillance cameras are used to track progress and ensure a lasting solution. The final test comes when voters gather together in the community polling booths.


Somewhere deep in the bowels of the RNC headquarters, a secure landline phone rings in the chairman's lair...

***RING*** ***RING***

REINSE: Reinse 911, what's your emergency?

ANON DONOR: Yah, we got ourselves a rescue candidate with good papers. His daddy and his brother were good show RINOs, but this one we picked early is just so low energy. I can't even take him for a slow stroll through the neighborhood without the low energy catcalls. What should we do about our RINO, Jebster?

REINSE: Low energy RINOs don't even want to be a Pack Leader. Drop the Jebster back at the kennel and try again.

and now its time for the "Ask Reince" mailbag segment of our show.

Reinse, we have two stray candidates we have been unable to run off the property. The problem is, they are both leading the pack, but We can't seem to get a leash on either one of them. The big bull with the funny hair and small paws is just as likely to bite the hand that feeds him. The other one refuses to train on the constitution papers we spread on the basement floor. Why, he isn't even a RINO at all!

The most important thing to remember is that its all about secrecy and cronyism, and a good RINO candidate will subordinate to the establishment as their pack leader. One of my successful strategies is to roll out my fully trained RINO, Mitt, in order to socialize the candidate to model his behavior. Mitt is exactly the kind of moderate loser we look for every four years. 

If all else fails, you need to play for a stalemate by claiming the open doorway and creating an invisible boundary. You can do this by using your trained RINOS, Kasich and Rubio to stay in the race even though they have no path to outright victory. They will siphon just enough support from clueless voters to ensure a brokered convention. In this scenario, we could even insert our perennial loser, Mitt, back  as our candidate. Hey, what about that low-energy Jebster as his running mate?

Season Finale for the establishment...

What would happen if the establishment were muzzled and the winning candidate is a conservative who believes in individual sovereignty and liberty? Stay tuned...

Wednesday, March 9, 2016


BREAKING: Donald Trump selects Forrest Gump as VP running mate.
Making America stupid again!

Mrs. Trump: Remember what I told you, Donald. You're no different than anybody else is. Did you hear what I said, Donald? You're the same as everybody else. You are no different.

Principal: Your boy's... different, Miz Trump. His IQ's 75.

"I'm pretty tired... I think I'll go home now...."

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Trump Has Tiny Hands PAC

Haha! It's a real thing! 

Portland Man Creates ‘Trump Has Tiny Hands PAC’
"When a call comes into the White House at 3 a.m., will Donald Trump's tiny baby hands be able to lift the phone receiver? This is something Americans should know before voting.”

The name refers to recent talk of Trump’s hand size after Marco Rubio made a swipe at him on the trail. “You know what they say about men with small hands,” he said. “You can’t trust ’em!” The jab prompted Trump to respond in a Republican debate, complaining, “He referred to my hands — if they are small, something else must be small. I guarantee you, there’s no problem.”

Like a tiny pebble falling off its perch and eventually causing an avalanche, this seemingly harmless exchange during the last GOP debate was watched by former president, Bill Clinton on a 12" B&W TV from a Motel 6. The next day, he had botox hand injections for reasons yet to be determined. That's when things went horribly wrong...

Monday, March 7, 2016


The 2016 democrat presidential nominee (and some elderly and crazy-looking white guy with wild, white hippy-hair) had a debate "in the ghetto" last night. I found this statement quite haunting...

"Good judgement comes from experience.  Experience comes from bad judgment.  And sometimes that bad judgement can be pretty horrific!"

No, this was not a quote from Hillary's opening statement (as far as I know) regarding her lengthy list of bad judgments culminating in the murders in Benghazi.

The above quote is from Val Geissler, a cowboy poet from the movie Unbranded. I know this because the family fired up Netflix and watched it last night instead of the 2-hour Hillary campaign commercial debate taking place a mere mortar shell's distance away. Hillary likes to use the phrase, "Hard Choices". This was not one of those.

This, from imdb.
Sixteen mustangs, four men, one dream: to ride border to border, Mexico to Canada, up the spine of the American West. The documentary tracks four fresh-out-of-college buddies as they take on wild mustangs to be their trusted mounts, and set out on the adventure of a lifetime. Their wildness of spirit, in both man and horse, is quickly dwarfed by the wilderness they must navigate: a 3000-mile gauntlet that is equally indescribable and unforgiving.

"Currently, 50,000 wild horses are in government holding facilities waiting to be adopted."

Why? Did they send hundreds of classified emails from a private server?

Saturday, March 5, 2016

Chattering Teeth U

So you want to be a millionaire blogger? You want to know the secret to acquiring a million dollars while spending your mornings like DaBlade at Chattering Teeth U - slamming coffee and two-finger punching your QWERTY keyboard in rapid staccato while producing such bloggilicious results?

If you answered "YES, I want to be a millionaire blogger!" then YOU MUST ACT NOW by sending me a check in the very affordable amount of $38,000 and I will reserve your spot in the incoming freshman class here at Chattering Teeth U.

Our 3-Step Program will have you up and blogging with one million dollars in your bank account before you know it!

STEP ONE: Inherit one million dollars from your billionaire father
STEP TWO: Surround yourself with expensive Ukrainian beauties
STEP THREE: Get to bloggin' mister!

What your very affordable $38,000 tuition will include:
* A spot for your Avatar in our virtual dorm

* A slightly used Flobee, the revolutionary home haircutting system
* Chattering Teeth U Season Football tickets


If you're one of the first 5,000 enrollees, I'll throw in a FREE PHOTO of you with a cardboard cutout of our beloved mascot, Chattering Teeth!

Still not sure if a Bachelor's Degree in Blogahaulics from the prestigious Chattering Teeth U is for you? Don't take MY word for it, take it from one of my assorted blog characters in this disturbing testimonial...
I was looking for something to do from home since this electronic ankle tether won't let me leave my yard and boy howdy am I offal glad I sent DaBlade my life's savings and you can prolly tell how much his courses have helped me string together my innermost thoughts in such a compelling manner but I'm still not sure how I get my million dollars now but Ill go ask him just as soon as I manage to saw thru my shin with this bone saw... Gullible Gabe


Friday, March 4, 2016

Trump Tower Compensating For His "Little Marco"?

RUBIO: "you know what they say about men with small hands."

TRUMP: "I guarantee you there's no problem."

CRUZ: "Simply release the tapes."
Hilarious pair of itty bitty hands.
There isn’t anything particularly funny about a person’s hands. Unless, of course, they’re about five times too small for their body. Make your friends laugh with creepy and hilarious Tiny Hands.

Thursday, March 3, 2016


Illinois judge dismisses Cruz eligibility complaint
CHICAGO (Reuters) - An Illinois voter's lawsuit challenging Ted Cruz's eligibility to run for president of the United States because he was born in Canada was dismissed on a technicality on Tuesday by a state judge... Donald Trump has repeatedly questioned Cruz's eligibility because of his Canadian birth.

According to my sources here in the spacious Chattering Teeth News Bunker Spa and Grill, the Illinois judge demanded 3 full days of depositions to FIRST prove the premise that Canada is not just a frozen wasteland and that it was scientifically possible that babies could survive birth there.

Once it was established that there was a preponderance of evidence (empty Carling beer cans at various archaeological dig sites) to support the hypothetical that pockets of people are born and actually live there - with all receiving FREE healthcare coverage (but having to travel outside their borders for any actual timely health "CARE") - the next question was to determine if Ted Cruz was one of these... let's call them "Canadians" for lack of a better word for them.

The Illinois judge decided to run Cruz through a series of tests to get to the bottom of this very important question once and for all.

First, Cruz was hooked up to a lie detector and shockingly could not identify even one of the songs piped in through the loud speakers by Justin Bieber, Celine Dion or Alanis Morissette.

Next, a table of assorted Canadian tuques with tassles and ear flaps were ignored by Cruz in favor of an orange NRA hunting cap found at the bottom of the pile.

Last, the judge had Cruz lace up some hockey skates and he was run through the paces with a semi-sober Canadian Mountie observing.

Results? Ted Cruz is most definitely NOT CANADIAN.


Glad we settled this matter once and for all. In other campaign news...
Ben Carson unsuccessfully tried to suspend his presidential bid yesterday - but reminiscent of the S.C. debate where he stood just offstage for many minutes after his name was called - "he couldn't find a path forward" off his anemic campaign.

Marco Rubio quietly cancels rallies in Kentucky and Louisiana...
"Many are speculating this may be the end of Marco Rubio's bid for the White House."

C'mon, Marco. Do the right thing here. I'll give you some free Flint water if u drop out!

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Two NY Liberal Presidential Candidates From Opposing Political Parties Walk Into a Bar...

Whaddaya have?
How about a good Alibi (or three?)

Which brings us to "Decision, 2016"...