Saturday, June 27, 2009

Free DaBlade!

These men in suits and dark sunglasses found my lair. They say they work for someone called "The One" who is graciously allowing me this possibly one last blog post. They promise they will stop the aggressive interrogation techniques and let me go if I'm able to get 30 unique user comments to this post. He says he will even count the ones from those who beg him to keep me, so please libs, by all means - help me gain my freedom!

Lest you think this is a cheap stunt to drive traffic to this blog, "The One" is offering the following proof of life and proof of how serious he is...


My Fourth of July wish to you

I want to wish everyone who happens to stumble upon this blog a very happy and safe Fourth of July holiday. Yes, I know I'm a little early with this message, but I'm planning on locking myself into my kitchen pantry (a/k/a my modified panic room) especially after the passing of that bogus global warming bullsh**. My panic room stays are becoming longer and longer, and I'm afraid I won't be out until after the Fourth. I pray the Cap'n Crunch holds out and that the chain lock on the hollow pressed wood panic room door is sufficient against unwelcome visitors (even if it isn't, rest assured that I do celebrate my Second Amendment rights).

In the meantime, please enjoy...

Toby Keith performing Courtesy Of The Red, White And Blue.

Written shortly after the 9/11 attacks and inspired by same, these lyrics hold a more inspired meaning to me now. With Obama in the White House and his radical agenda systematically dismantling over 200 years of this great American experiment called "freedom", I dream of the day when Americans say "enough is enough"!

When Toby sings about "the red white and blue," I personally interpret that to mean conservatives and conservatism. All of the priciples our Constitution demands, and our founding fathers intended. When Toby sings about the statue of liberty shaking her fist, my interpretation has her representing the "tea party patriots" upset with what the libs have done to this once great land and saying "enough".

There. Now don't you like the video even more now?

Now this nation that I love
Has fallen under attack
A mighty sucker punch came flyin in
From somewhere in the back some guy named Barack
Soon as we could see clearly
Through our big black eye
Man, we lit up your world
Like the 4th of july

Hey uncle sam
Put your name at the top of his list
And the statue of liberty
Started shakin her fist
And the eagle will fly
Man, its gonna be hell
When you hear mother freedom
Start ringin her bell
And it feels like the whole wide world is raining down on you
Brought to you courtesy of the red white and blue

Friday, June 26, 2009

Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett

How ironic that Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett died on the same day.

Both were famous for their "one-piece". One was famous for wearing a glove on one hand and singing "Beat it", while the other was famous for her poster being held up with only one hand by millions of teenage boys (singing "beat it" optional).

One was the King of Pop, and the other was the Queen of the pop tarts.

One was famous for a role in The Burning Bed, the other was famous for rolls in the Neverland bed.

One was a pop culture figure whose hairstyle was emulated by millions of young women, and the other was famous for a hairstyle that was incinerated while doing a pop commercial.

One appeared in Charlie's Angels, while the other one was accused but not convicted of appearing in Charlie's angles.

One was puppy-loved by millions of prepubescent boys, and the other sought them out.

One was born a white female and the other was born a black male. Of course, they both died as white females.

You're sick DaBlade! How can you make jokes at a time like this when fans all across the globe are mourning this loss?

Hey, you mourn in your way and I'll mourn in mine. One sold millions of records and the other sold millions of posters. I was actually somewhere in both of those groups. I sincerely hope they both have found peace.

Interesting anagrams of "Michael Farrah" -
Cream Half Hair
Arch Flame Hair

Even more interesting anagrams of "michael jackson farrah fawcett" -
Mascara Wench A Filth Jacket Fro
Mascara A Cancer Whelk Fifth Jot

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Health care under the Obama plan

My boy claims he doesn't know where the idea for this comic came from, but it's clear to me that he was thinking about the state of health care under Obama's plan.

Read the entire comic by clicking on it below...

Astaroth, MD by ~CousinWoofer on deviantART

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Move along. Nothing to see here.

Dear Blog,
I've tried to stay quiet on the whole Iranian revolution thingy because I didn't want to give the Ayatollah the impression that this blog was meddling. But I have to give kudos to Major Garrett for asking Obama, "what took you so long" in becoming apalled and outraged at the Iranian crackdown on the protestors. That'll teach Barry to call on A Fox News guy. The only thing that Garrett could have done to better endear himself to me would have been to reach over and put Helen Thomas into a headlock. Oh well, no hot dogs for Major Garrett at Obama and Akmadeenadude's Fourth of July weenie roast.

Panic Room Update
I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I had converted my bathroom linen closet into a panic room, and that I had made room by moving my towels to the freezer side of my 'fridge. Well, after suffering a small microwave fire while attempting to unthaw the shower towel, I have moved the panic room to my walk-n kitchen pantry. I don't know why I didn't think of it before. I just leave a flashlight in there for my nightly panic attacks so I can find the Cap'n Crunch at 3AM.

Solitude in the pantry (and my toolbox) also gives me time to tinker. I'm making good progress on the reprogramming of my court-ordered electronic tether. Hey, if I have to wear this ankle bracelet, the least it can do is alert me when I try to move outside a 15 mile distance from the nearest pizza establishment. It's not that I eat pizza at every meal, but there is a certain comfort knowing that I'm always close enough that I could.

Odds and ends
I read where a Georgia man won a big lottery prize twice in the same week. I wonder if he'll use the money to buy a bigger house.

Seriously though, where's Mark Sanford?

I also read this headline the other day:
Shot dog bites gunman

I'm sorry, but where is the news in that? Now if "dog shoots man", that's another thing all together.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Sharks Vs. Killer Clowns

A new study: The most menacing predator of the seas has something in common with the most terrifying human predator.

Now I have always enjoyed Discover magazine and have been a subscriber for the better part of the last twenty plus years (even though it has a decidedly leftist agenda and is free on the internet). I'm just not convinced this study was necessary.

Similarities between great white sharks and serial killers

1) The great white and the serial killer lurks in its favorite hunting spot waiting for the next victim.

2) Both strike silently.

OK, I see the comparison. I am going to save these fishheads gobs of research dollars by publishing my findings of my follow-up study titled:

Dissimilarities between great white sharks and serial killers

1) Sharks rarely put on clown makeup and bury their seal victims under their porch reefs.

2) Sharks not known for dismembering their victims and preserving body parts in jars and stockpots for stew making.

3) Sharks have never been spotted in the wild abducting female sharks, only to hold them captive to fatten them up so the skin would make a nice girl-shark jumpsuit. (although unconfirmed, a French marine biologist claims to have witnessed a rarity in the wild - a gay Great White dancing around in front of a mirror with it's penis tucked between his legs while wearing a silk cape.)

Here is some interesting trivia I uncovered over at imdb during my 2 minute in-depth research for today's blog regarding the movie Silence of the Lambs
This is arguably the only horror movie (though SOTL could easily fall into a number of other genres) to ever win an Academy Award for Best Picture. Only 2 other horror films were ever so much as nominated for best picture (The Exorcist (1973) and Jaws (1975)).
How about that for symmetry? A movie about a serial killer, one about a killer shark, and one about a "pea soup puking", demon-possessed little biotch (Perez Hilton may be tomorrow's topic).

Monday, June 22, 2009

My 3AM phonecall to the president

Sometimes when I can't sleep because I'm worried about something, I'll just call the president.

*ring* *ring*

OBAMA: Hello?

ME: Yes Mister President, this is DaBlade for CT news and I wonder if I could ask you a quick question or two...

OBAMA: you know, do me a favor could you say The One instead of mister president? it's just a thing... I worked so hard to get that title so Id appreciate it.

ME: No problaymo mist... er... I mean, "The One". What I need to know is... what if North Korea fires a missile at Hawaii or something?

OBAMA: The United States is fully prepared for any contingencies.

ME: What if the missile's payload is a bunch of benign silk magician's flowers meant to trick you into overreacting?

OBAMA: I don't want to speculate on hypotheticals.

ME: Maybe it's just a really big bottle rocket and Pyongyang wants to give you a Fourth of July surprise by celebrating with us.

OBAMA: I want ... to give assurances to the American people that the t's are crossed and the i's are dotted in terms of what might happen.

ME: OK, I suddenly feel relieved and think I can get to sleep now. Thanks, and good night mist... I mean The One. I'll let you get back to Brian Williams.

OK, I know the phrase "t's crossed and i's dotted" is a figure of speech that means you are fully prepared for every eventuality. However, when Obama says it, I think he means it quite literally. I believe that his faith in the persuasive powers of his rhetorical flourish emanating from his piehole knows no bounds.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Hillary Clinton throwing 100 mph fastballs after successful elbow surgery and is drawing interest from the Washington Nationals as their future closer

It all started when Hillary fell in the White House basement and fractured her right elbow last Friday while on a secret mission from the president. It ended with successful surgery (or does it?), where doctors are said to have used experimental techniques involving the use of the patient's thigh tissue for joint strengthening.

But did you know the rest of the story?

OBAMA: "I aaaam sensitive to the criticism... thaaaat I had somehow marginalized... secretary of State, Hillary Clinton... sooo I wanted to give her aaaan assignment... thaaaat I knew she was built for... aaaand a critical task with national security implications," stated president Obama to this Chattering Teeth reporter.

HILLARY: "I was just happy the president let me come out of my room at the State Department" said Hillary. "The president had instructed me to come over and run the vacuum and straighten up the basement in preparation for his next toga party, when I tripped over one of his teleprompter cords that are snaked throughout the building like some complex root system."

"Her doctors at The George Washington University Hospital have advised her that they expect her to make a full recovery without lasting damage to her arm," the statement said.

BILL CLINTON: "No lasting damage? That's the understatement of the day. I just made a crack about the backless hospital gown she was wearing, and how she could unilaterally put the North Koreans into full retreat with a full moon over the demilitarized zone. That women is packing some kind of heat now with those thrown ash trays and I can't dodge them now," said former president clinton, through cracked and missing teeth and sporting two black eyes.

Nat's Manager: We're in last place and looking for a boost. Hillary is a little old for a rookie, but I think she could fill the closer role nicely until first round draft pick Drew Storen is ready," said Manny Acta.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

NO, NO, NO! I said we needed a "backhoe" for Dort Highway!

From The Flint Journal: Rush Limbaugh listeners, critics respond to comments on bulldozing Flint
Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh has a succinct strategy for Flint: "Let's just bulldoze it."
Hmmm. I'm pretty sure that was Genesee County Treasurer Dan Kildee's idea.

RUSH: What really sent Flint south was when GM shut down there and moved or left... whatever is the problem in Flint, Michigan, what have we done to try to save it? Every government program under the sun, and what's happened? We got boarded-up houses that now the leaders of the town say need to be bulldozed, forty percent of the town... Now, look, you got a local guy in Flint that's suggesting bulldozing it, who's getting the blame for this in the local Flint media, none other than I, El Rushbo.

Kildee: "I shouldn't be surprised but I'm disappointed with the cavalier treatment he is giving it. To me, that shows he doesn't take any issue seriously." How dare he represent my idea fairly and accurately.

The arches across Saginaw Street in downtown Flint will need to be changed from the current "VEHICLE CITY" to "FECES CITY" when the planned biogas plant replaces GM as the areas largest employer. If 40% of the town gets bulldozed, we may need to import the necessary human waste for processing.

*thinking out loud* Maybe volunteers could donate raw materials and receive a small fee... A trip to the blood bank to trade 3 pints for a dollar. Then off to the Biogas Plant and trade 3 logs for a dollar. Final stop at Awads to trade the two bucks for a 40 ouncer.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

insect politics

This summer, the insect who dreamt he was a man. But now the dream is over...
Chattering Teeth Pictures Presents...

"Am I becoming a hundred-and-eighty-five-pound fly? No, I'm becoming something that never existed before. I'm becoming... Bidenfly. Don't you think that's worth a Nobel Prize or two?

"Help me?" Help us all. Look who was secretly stowed away in the teleporter with Biden and the housefly...

Thank goodness Helen came out of the experience unscathed.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Give me a hand

The Iranian Guardian Council (conducting a recount): "OK, who voted for that Mousavi fellow? A show of hands please."

Disclaimer: The above picture is not an actual collection of severed hands (that would be gross), but a tasty and edible representation of same. Popcorn hands can be enjoyed at halloween parties, iranian election rallies, or at your post-abortion shower with the gals. Hey I'm getting hungry. Pass me that severed limb with the candy corn toes.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Questions on CTTV

Was Gary Bettman secretly counseling the AYaTollbooth kumquatei on how to steal the election away from pro-reform candidate Marian Hossa-ein Mousavi? Will Mahmood Akmadeenadude hire the Black Panthers of Philadelphia polling booth fame to come to Iran and help restore order? Will Mahmood tell the protesting students that "the time for robust debate is over," and threaten to take away their potatoes? As the world waits anxiously, what will be the reaction to all this from Obama's teleprompter?

Tune in next time on Chattering Teeth TV reality as we ask: Will Madonna's Malawi adoptees get along with their latest adopted sibling, Chastity "Chaz" Bono? How will the house dynamics change when Ozzy Osbourne is set loose with an altered Samsung phone and it's malfunctioning GPS? Can even the Black Panthers restore order?

Sunday, June 14, 2009

obama economics 101 - back to the future

I've been working on my longtime project of attempting to convert the basement freezer into a workable cryogenic chamber (at some point I hope to successfully unthaw the neighborhood strays). So when I read about the houses in my home town being leveled and surrounding neighborhoods reverting back to meadows, and Michigan counties letting paved roads revert back to gravel, I'm just looking for the next big thing.

Fur trade, lumber or horse and buggy? Eeny meeny miny mo... There is lots of lumber on these vacant houses. Then again, I already have a good start on the first. Say hello to Fluffy.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

at least I can take comfort in the knowledge that geographically speaking, Michigan is shaped like a mitten

Michiganders give Obama 71% approval rating in MSU survey
Despite a sour economy, Michigan residents gave President Barack Obama a soaring 71 percent approval rating -- one of the highest in this survey's history for the nation's top office.

Of course, that's 71% of Michigan folks holding this view THIS COMING WINTER. Interviews were conducted for this poll in the first quarter of this year. I am flabbergasted at the state of technology today that can predict opinions two seasons into the future. Of course, this IS Michigan (Cuba without the weather) so I guess a pro-Obama forecast (even in these miserable conditions) isn't a stretch. SWAT! Thank you sir, may I have another?

Tuesday, June 9, 2009


A message from Cindy Crosby

A message from Sidney Crosby

Thanks MSgt Ed!

The squirrel-proof blog

a mishmash, hodgepodge, pungent potpourri and flowery bouquet of blog words and other assorted BS (the sequel)

Dear blog,
It's possible that I made a mistake in converting my bathroom linen closet to a panic room. Peering around inside of it with my flashlight at 2am one night last week (an unexplained noise woke me up) I realized I had no room to stock snacks for these late night self-confinements. Now my towels are in the freezer side of my 'fridge and the ice cream is in the top shelf of the old lined closet. Now I just have to remember to move the slide lock and door chain to the inside to increase this room's security effectiveness. Hey, nothing's perfect the first time through people!

In the news:
[this] A Real Whopper: Black Hole Is Most Massive Known. "The supermassive black hole is two to three times heftier than previously thought, a new model showed, weighing in at a whopping 6.4 billion times the mass of the sun..."

Why are we focusing in on the black holes weight? Maybe it's just big boned-ed. Say what you want about it, all I know is it's got a good personality and it makes me laugh.

[this] Did you see where Colorado suffered at least five tornadoes on Sunday, with one overturning benches and a car outside a mall in a Denver suburb? Reminds me of the horror I would feel as a youth in a nearby KMart when the strobe would ignite to signal another Blue Light Special. An F5 twister has nothing on a herd of stampeding blue-hairs charging toward a sales bin of discounted t-shirts and mismatched socks. I always sought shelter inside the nearest rack of colorful polyester products and curled into the fetal position to avoid the onslaught of steel walkers, canes and swinging purses. Maybe that's why I always wanted my own panic room?

[this] The search for Bird-proof aircraft engines... I have several so-called squirrel-proof bird feeders that might do the trick. With one of these babies hanging from each engine mount, there would not be a bird spotted for miles. Of course, the National Transportation Safety Board would need to test the safety hazards of swarming flying squirrels.

Speaking of air travel, did you see [this] where Sonia Sotomayor broke her ankle when she tripped (over a squirrel?) at LaGuardia Airport? I would like to think that a wise Supreme Court nominee could successfully negotiate an airport terminal without fracturing a bone. Walk much? Enjoy the trip? Spring forward, fall back? I am against "listmus tests", but how are we supposed to trust your ability to enunciate a generous amount of proper legalese if you can't cite precedent and chew gum simultaneously? This will not stand.

What about [this]? Obama having Iran over for a Fourth-of-July weenie roast. While Obama has said this barbeque has no established preconditions, Mahmood Akmadeenadude has promised to bring the potatoes, chips and heavy water refreshments. Kim Jong-il heard about the hot dog feast and has threatened to use nuclear weapons in a merciless offensive unless Obama invited Pyongyang to the picnic.

*DING!* There's the microwave bell, indicating that my shower towel is thawed. Time for me to bid you adieu and get to work. I'm holding a Blue Light Special on polyester lederhosen today and they are not going to sell themselves people.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

a mishmash, hodgepodge, pungent potpourri and flowery bouquet of blog words and other assorted BS

I haven't been blogging regularly as I have been in my secret underground work lab studying the anagrams of "Sonia Sotomayor", searching for hidden meanings. After several days of no sleep and lack of personal hygienne (other than the occasional sponge bath administered by Barbie), I believe I have a lead. Let's just say I find these two suspicious.

Orations Say Moo
Aroma Noisy Soot

I need several more days (and spongebaths) before I am able to decipher the full meaning here, but let's just say that my early prognostificational diagnosis may shock you. new readers - Please don't be intimidated by my prolific use of very intelligent sounding word thingys that can't be found in any dictionary you own. I am, after all, a professional blognosticator.

I'm no economonopolist, but during my lifetime I have had experience with literally hundreds (maybe even thousands) of dollars, so I feel I know what I'm talking about - even if it may appear to the outside observer that I am simply mumbling incoherently to myself. How are they to know that I am conversing with my bikini-clad Barbie, who happens to be in my right pants pocket? She always gets bashful at the beginning of bikini season as she worries it makes her socketed plastic hip joints look inflated. Speaking of which...

The national unemployment rate is 9.4%, still only about half of the local unemployment rate here. The printing of several trillion dollars can be also be construed as "loose monetary policy" and will cause massive inflation and soaring interest rates. So in conclusion, we will soon suffer from double-digit unemployment, inflation and interest rates. A triple double!

Meanwhile, president Barack "Mister Basketball" Obama has been galavanting around the middle east on his latest American apology tour, doling out supplicative bows to arab leaders and dropping to bury his forehead in every prayer rug he struts near.

Oh well.

In the "odd news" department -
Cartman sent me this short email in an apparent attempt to spur me back to the blog...

This has got to be blog fodder somehow.....Gay Penguins Raise Chick Together in German Zoo

I'm sorry, but I am not interested in reading about Crosby and Malkin's down time.

And then there was this SH--! story that caught my F$#*ING! eye: Tourette &^%$! syndrome occurs in 3 out of every F---! 1,000 school-aged children BAST$#@S!, and is more than twice as common in white kids HONKY MUTHA F$%KERS!

Disclaimer: This is not to make fun of folks suffering from Tourettes, a disease with no f---king cure.

And my favorite... 'Montauk Monster' Mystery May Have Been Solved
Turns out it was the result of a Viking funeral pyre for a racoon carcass on an inflatable child's swim duck. One of the paticipants states, "In the interest of full disclosure, this did happen shortly after a waterboarding endurance competition, and just before a clothespins-on-your-genitals challenge."

If I had a nickel for every time I put water wings on roadkill and set it ablaze and afloat in a local pond...

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Fewer, Leaner, Greener

I was just reminded of the 1970's television show, The Six Million Dollar Man. I loved that opening sequence of Lee Major's plane taking the "agony of defeat" end-over-end tumble. Cue announcer guy:

"Steve Austin, astronaut. A man barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic man. Steve Austin will be that man. Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster."

What reminded me of this old TV show?

Hat tip to RightKlik

The GM Reinvention Commercial

"Better, stronger, faster" has become "Fewer, Leaner, Greener".

The 12 Trillion Dollar Man

Obama assumes the title role formerly held by Lee Majors. He runs around in slow motion with all his bionic parts making funny sound effects, his teleprompter officially wired to his optic nerve. Obama tackles a new problem each week, only to run in super slo mo to the next one. One week he "fixes" the banking industry. The next week he "fixes" the auto industry. On to health care.


Now that I think of it, this show has already been on the air of every network channel since his campaign. I'd rather watch Sanjaya get attacked by bees honestly.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Stop eyeballing me boy!


Sonya Sotomayor's ex-male law clerk says she routinely lost her temper and called him an "abomination" while beating him, especially if she found a misspelling in a brief he was writing for her.

She would also constantly demean me saying things like, "let this wise Latina women show the dumb white male how to do the crossword puzzle". Stuff like that. After a while, she simply tied me to the bed and hobbled me with a large mallet. She once even put a pubic hair on my can of Coke!

Actual footage of Sotomayor's famous judicial temperment


Speaking of puzzles, The eyeballing game is very addicting. Dad and sons played several rounds last night, taking turns with the high (low) score. A lot of chest bumping and trash talking and scrums after the whistle. The old man held his own too!

Monday, June 1, 2009

GM Chapter 11

On the left - General Motors founder William C. Durant, better known as "Billy". On the right - the new owner of GM, better known as "Barry".

Carl Levin, D-Mich: "It's a new beginning, it's a rebirth, it's a new General Motors."
DaBlade, C-Mich: "It's the end, it's an abortion, it's Government Motors."