Sunday, September 30, 2018

Flake on an elevator

Sen. Jeff Flake was hailed as a hero Saturday by Judiciary Committee colleague Sen. Chris Coons at the Global Citizen Festival in New York's Central Park.

"So feel free to join me in an elevator any time," he said.

CHATTERING TEETH NEWS - It is not surprising that the mainstream media is ignoring this blatant sexual innuendo perpetrated by the very creepy looking Coons against the frightened and effeminate looking Flake. Smelling a story, I put on my Matt Drudge hat with the fake press credentials tucked into the band - sneaking onto the grounds of this gender-fluid festival, I cornered Senator Flake in an out-of-the-way elevator. The following impromptu interview transpired.

'BLADE: Thank you for doing this, senator.

FLAKE: I didn't really have a choice since you pushed me in here when I was on my way to the bathroom.

'BLADE: Still. Mr. Flake, you have been called a fake conservative and liberal sellout. You are a Republican senator from Arizona. I apologize if your liberal leanings are due to you working on your own brain tumor - but if they aren't, why else would you buckle to democrat pressure in delay tactics calling for a 7th FBI investigation of the squeaky clean Kavanaugh?

FLAKE: Well as you may have heard, just prior to the vote I was cornered on an elevator and confronted by a group of rabid feminist radicals chanting, WE BELIEVE SURVIVORS" or some such drivel. What you may not know is that once they left - and the cameras with them - Democratic Senator Chris Coons jumped onto the elevator with me just as the doors were closing. 

'BLADE: Did Coons bribe you to join their unholy coalition?

FLAKE: Worse. Coons began running his hands over my body and grinding his hips into me. I tried to yell for help. When I did, Coons put his hand over my mouth to stop me from screaming. Then he tells me, "Either call for an additional FBI probe into Kavanaugh, or the next probe will involve Joe Biden into Jeff Flake!"

'BLADE: Egads! Then what happened?

FLAKE: Just then, the doors opened and I escaped! I heard him laughing as I ran away. Had he confronted me on a broken down escalator, I'd have been there all day!

'BLADE: Thank goodness you were not trapped on this elevator with a leaking Dianne Feistein. Who Boufed, indeed!

FLAKE: Indelible in the hippocampus is the laughter.

And now you know... the rest of the story. Good day!

Friday, September 28, 2018

Dr Stormy Blasey Ford can't remember where she parked her car in Senate parking lot - "Maybe I ubered?"

Memories are funny things. Psychologists have said that they are malleable constructs that are reconstructed with each recall. Each time we recall an event, it changes. We forget some details, mix them up with other details from other points in our life, or even with a character from some obscure TV program we watched. They are faulty and inaccurate over time. 

That said, it has been OVER 20 HOURS since I watched Dr. Stormy Blasey Ford and her panel of slip-and-fall porn lawyers in front of the senate committee and listened as she told HER TRUTH. After 20 hours, I may have miss-remembered a few details from this Kavanaugh hearing, but this was my take-away ...

The lisping Senator Whitehouse grilling Kavanaugh on his "Beach Week" calendar entries.

If this were a scene in a Farrelly brothers movie, you'd think it over the top. 

Whitehouse: "Anthher the quethjun! Anthher yethh or no! Itth the 'Ralph Club' referenthing vomiting after conthooming too much booothz?"

Kavanaugh: I have a weak stomach, senator. In fact, your lisp makes me want to hurl right now.

Whitehouse: "What about thith Devilth Twiangle? Ithh that a refwencth to a female's Hoo-ha? A coochie cooch vajajay puthhhy?"

Kavanaugh: It's a quarters drinking game with 3 shot glasses. Have you ever had a friend, senator?

Whitehouse: What are theesth two, thwee... thix, theven F's in front of the Fourth of July? What doesth that thignify? Are these the number of gang raypths that day?

Kavanaugh: As my friend Squi would say, "F-fffffffuc* you thenator. You want any more on the Fs?

Whitehouse: What itth thith refwethce that sayth "Have you boofed yet?" Judge, have you — I don't know if ith 'boufed' or 'boofed' — how do you pronounce that?

Kavanaugh: That refers to flatulence. We were 16.

Cruz: Feinstein leaked!

Feinstein: I held it confidential but in the end this had to come forward. 
Cornyn: Can you tell us that your staff did not leak it? Cuz something smells to high heaven!
Feinstein: I don't believe my staff would leak it. I have not asked that question directly, but I do not believe they would boof.
Cornyn: Do you know that?
Feinstein: The answer is no. The staff said that they did not boof.
Cornyn: Have you asked your staff, or other staffers of the Judiciary Committee?
Feinstein: I just did. ... Jennifer reminds me I've asked her before about it. And that's true.
Cornyn: Well, somebody boofed it if it wasn't you.
Feinstein: Well, I'm telling you it was not -- I did not. I was asked to hold it in. And I was criticized for that, too.

Wednesday, September 26, 2018

Democrats gather outside around the crack pipe vending machine

It's been two weeks since crack pipe vending machines were discovered on Long Island. Now they are popping up in Washington, and the sales are brisk.

PICTURED: Dianne Feinstein and Senate Democrats gather outside around the crack pipe vending machine in preparation for the Kavanaugh hearing.

Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) - Will the entrepreneur who services this crack pipe vending machine please come and refill it.  Cory Booker has bogarted the last batch.

Cory Booker (D-NJ) - I am SPARTACUS!

Mazie Hirono (D-HI) - Just shut up and step up, Cory! Do the right thing for a change and give me a puff on your pipe.

Patrick 'Leaky' Leahy (D-VT) - I just wet myself.

Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI) - Sheesshus! I wissh you would ssshtop embarassshing ussssshh!

Li'l Dicky Durbin (D-IL) - Is my fly open?

Monday, September 24, 2018

Exorcist Removed for Hate Crime Against Lesbian Demon

Chicago priest who burned rainbow banner removed from church
Days after it was revealed that the Rev. Paul Kalchik of Avondale’s Resurrection Catholic Church burned a rainbow banner that once hung in the church, Cardinal Blase Cupich, archbishop of Chicago, has removed him from his role as head of the North Side church...

“I’m about as much of a ‘gay basher’ as Mother Teresa of Calcutta,” the 56-year-old said in an interview with the Tribune on Friday. “Love the sinner, hate the sin — that’s as harsh as I get.”

From The Church Militant

Thursday, September 20, 2018

Doctor Stormy Blasey Ford

Respect! R-E-S-P-I-C-T! Call her "Doctor"! She worked hard for that title

“Do me a favor, can you say ‘doctor’? It’s just a thing. I worked so hard to get that title, so I’d appreciate it. Thank you.”

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Bert & Ernie come out (But Animal is still a closet Lesbo)

My wife and I have started about a hundred series, only to quit them when they tried to slip in the gay story lines. Sometimes they disclose right away on the first episode, making us scramble for the remote. Sometimes they rope you in and try to hook you before they add a gay themed story line. We got all the way to the second season of House of Cards before we had to sh*& can that one. Ozark was another series that had potential. Only got to the 3rd or 4th episode before they trashed it. And earlier this year, we lost Annie with an E of all shows. C'mon! Annie with a freakin E!!?? We don't even have any children at home any more. We just aren't going over the cliff with the rest of society. 

Next week on Sesame Street... Bert comes home early and catches Ernie in an uncompromising position.
Don't worry, there is a happy ending...

Monday, September 17, 2018

Was Brett Kavanaugh’s accuser a crack whore in High School?

For the record, Chattering Teeth News has no evidence that Christine Blasey Ford was or was not a crack whore in high school. However, the seriousness of this charge is enough for us to call for a halt to the calls for delaying the vote due to  this crack whore's Ms Blasey's subsequent allegations. How can the senate delay the Brett Kavanaugh's confirmation to the Supreme Court on the word of a crack whore?

I'm not saying she is, but confirmation of Kavanaugh should proceed without delay until depositions have been completed for all previous classmates, janitors and teachers in order to determine if there are any truth to the rumors that Christine was actually a male named 'Chris' before she allegedly had gender reassignment surgery and now keeps her old balls in a mayonaise jar as a macabre paper weight.

It is also pure speculation that she may have been a street-walking serial killer who tortured small kittens and puppies. For all we know, that's just pure internet fodder, but the American people have a right to know!

The very fact that we don't know the veracity of these bizarre rumors is enough for us to put a stop to any delay tactics until these allegations of pedophilia involving Joe Biden can be disproven beyond a shadow of doubt.

I just want to reiterate that we here at the spacious Chattering Teeth blog studios have no conclusive evidence of wrongdoing by Christine Blasey Ford, but the seriousness of the allegations compel us to demand a Brett Kavanaugh confirmation vote immediately while looking into vicious rumors that Hillary used to be her lesbian lover.

Sunday, September 16, 2018

Weather Channel Reporter: "It was gusty where I was!"

Trump's 11-year-old White House Lawn Boy, Frankie from Virginia, Disagreed.
It's been a little over a year now since this young entrepreneur secured his position as President Trump's White House lawn mower. He certainly has gotten around since then.

of course, we here at CT Studios will never forget this:

or when Frankie was instrumental in helping Trump save the free world...

Or when a selfless Frankie helped Rand finish mowing his lawn after he was attacked by his crazed democrat neighbor.

But was this breach of protocol with the queen his fault?

I don't know about any of that, but I'd just like to thank the perpetual 11-year-old Frankie from Virginia for his tireless service to this country (and this blog).

Yes there were other appearances here and there (and there will be future guest appearances). On that you have my word.


Saturday, September 15, 2018

Weather Channel Reporter Risks High Winds at Solar Observatory Mysteriously Shutdown by FBI

Chattering Teeth News - Officials continue to be elusive and tight-lipped about the reason for the weeklong evacuation of the solar observatory near Roswell, New Mexico. Some are speculating the sudden and secretive shutdown has to do with covering up a pending extraterrestrial invasion, an incoming solar flare, or even an inbound Planet X.

Now we are learning that the Weather Channel reporter who was criticized for embellishing the effects of Hurricane Florence is now on site and reporting dramatic high winds at the solar observatory's entrance.

Shortly after this photo was snapped, two Sasquatch reportedly were spotted walking casually by with nary a blown hair on their heads as the weather channel reporter continued to brace for his life. No explanation is being offered by the FBI.

Friday, September 14, 2018

Gone to Carolina in my mind

Jimmy Buffett-Coast of Carolina
 Carolina In My Mind - James Taylor

Thursday, September 13, 2018

Hurricane Florence to Spawn Strawnados

CHATTERING TEETH NEWS - We already know about the catastrophic forces wrought by a hurricane slamming into the coast -  destructive winds, the storm surges and flash flooding. But what you haven't been told is that Hurricane Florence is estimated to contain 42 billion plastic drinking straws traveling over 130 miles per hour inside the eye wall.  Getting hit with one of these bad boys would certainly leave a noticeable welt.

But straws in the storm may not be all bad news, at least according to part-time independent weather specialist (self proclaimed), DaBlade, of Chattering Teeth News.

"what is a straws purpose,?" queried 'Blade. "It's job is to transport liquid from your cup to your mouth. During this process, a small percentage of the total beverage is imprisoned harmlessly inside this straw.

I found a complicated formula on the internet dealing with the age old question of "how many dips of a drinking straw would it take to fill a shot glass full of whisky?"

"While I haven *hick*... while I haven*hick* I doan no fer sure how maney yet becuzz esperment is ongoing*hick*"

The point is, while one straw may hold a minimal volume of ocean water, how much of the storm surge could be neutralized by 42 billion plastic drinking straws? bIt's still jest a working theory. I need to get back to the experiment.

In the meantime, prayers for all in this storm's path.

Monday, September 10, 2018

US Air Force to target kneelers during stadium flyovers with precision ordnance

Pilot Chatter: All standing respectfully. No kneelers spotted. Closing bay doors... Breaking off now...

Pilot Chatter: We have a visual on the kneel-baggers. Target acquired. Locked and loaded.

Air Traffic Controller: Dolphin Snagger 11, you have traffic 12 o'clock, less than five miles. 727 descending to one four thousand.

Pilot Chatter: Copy. Snagger is radar contact tally-ho.

Air Traffic Controller: Dolphin Snagger 11, Roger.

Pilot Chatter: They're bulls-eye one-one-six, seventy-six now, twenty thousand, I'm a mile and a half in trail.

Air Traffic Controller: Just do it.

Saturday, September 8, 2018

Obama's speech causes mass narcoleptic naps

They say that every superman has his kryptonite. For me, it's shellfish. It gives me a tummy ache. For President Donald J Trump, its hearing Obama's honeyed and mellifluously stacattoed egocentric rhetorical flourish.

Obama returns to campaign trail with fiery speech; Trump counters, 'I fell asleep'

According to Dr Vinny Boombatz of the Neurological Institute for sleep disorders, he suspects President Trump has a rare form of Narcolepsy he calls "Obamniaplexy". People with this condition  fall asleep without warning, anywhere, anytime when they hear Obama's voice.

"I'm sorry. I watched it, but I fell asleep. I found he's very good — very good for sleeping," Trump said about Obama's latest speech.

The president has been warned not to operate heavy machinery without ear protection against stray Obama rhetoric.

In other news, Anonymous may have been located in the White House basement...
"The ratio of people to cake is too big."

Friday, September 7, 2018


I Am Part of the Resistance Inside Jesus' 12 Apostles

I am one of the Twelve Apostles who follow Jesus Christ but I have vowed to thwart parts of His agenda to the like-minded Sanhedrin for the low price of 30 pieces of silver.

It’s not just that the special counsel Pontius Pilate looms large. Or that the country is bitterly divided over Jesus’ teachings of peace. Or even that His party might well lose to a Satanic opposition supported by a Praetorian Guard media hellbent on his downfall.

I would know. I am one of them.

Thursday, September 6, 2018

Highlights (and lowlights) from the Kavanaugh hearing (so far)

On Monday, the "Parkland dad" had tweeted that he planned to attend the hearings and hoped "to play a role in ensuring that this man does not become the next Supreme Court Justice."  So as promised, he tried to set Brett up with his pseudo handshake while the cameras rolled... but was it appropriate for Kavanaugh to draw his M&P Shield?

Additional promises kept - The democrats had orchestrated and carefully planned the all-day series of protesters, malcontents, miscreants and endless parade of human debris... and THAT was just the democrat senators and not even counting these yahoos.
Here is all I was able to hear from them during their snowflake disruptions...

TRANSCRIPT: *garble* [unintelligible] *sob* BLAH BLAH AHHHHHH!!! doh ye nob barfalot GAHH! [unintelligible] *garble*

Finally these democrats are making more sense than the presidential hopefuls center stage. There was, however, this unexpected surprise!

Just another Supreme Court Groupie I guess.

Check back later for further updates...

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

This blog is 100% free of awkward man hugs (just kidding)

Brett Kavanaugh's training camp is now over. Democrats are promising to act up since they suspect he believes in upholding the constitution - in direct opposition to their core. It's time to see if he has the eye of the tiger. I just hope there isn't that awkward man hug after he is confirmed...

Monday, September 3, 2018


Canadian actor Ryan Gosling to star in Universal Pictures' First Banner, the riveting story of the great seamstress, Betsy Ross. Legend has it that in 1776 and while working in her upholstery shop in New Jersey, Betsy Ross got a visit from General George Washington. He wanted her to design and sew a flag for a new nation. However, First Banner will focus on Betsy's life prior to this alleged visit. Gosling gives the performance of his life in his compelling first-person  portrayal of Betsy Ross, as she sews and repairs uniforms and upholstered chairs and other various assorted colonial sundry. "Betsy was a standout with the scissors," stated Gosling, as he adjusted his frilly shift. "It was a human achievement."

Sunday, September 2, 2018

Do animals mourn? Do RINOs grieve? Is the Pope Catholic?

What happens when an old elephant dies?

Death rituals in the animal kingdom
The parade of elephants that followed may – in some deep, fundamental way – be no different from those who gather to pay respects to a dignitary lying in state. Over the course of several days, the carcass was visited by five other elephant groups including several families that were completely unrelated (Bushies?) ... The elephants sniffed and poked the body, touching it with their feet and trunks. Even though the carcass had been visited by jackals, hyenas, vultures, (democrats?) and was under the control of lions by the fourth day, the elephants were rarely more than a few hundred metres away during daylight hours.

Hypothetically speaking - I'ts not clear whether the over-sized daughter of the deceased uses the funeral as an occasion to bash a former rival bull of her father. On second thought, I doubt that. I'm guessing actual elephants in the animal kingdom probably keep it classy and instead focus on the celebration of the loved-ones life (even if the crusty old bastard elephant was an asshole).

Researchers also discovered that dolphins will visit and guard the body of one of their own for several days, pushing "at the carcass with their beaks and heads" with some even performing songs through a series of clicks and whistles, like the classic - "You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Bottlenose Dolphin."

It's not clear whether any dolphins use this occasion to trash the former rival bull of a recently deceased elephant. I doubt that. I'm guessing actual dolphins in the oceans probably keep it classy.

Crows also perform funeral rituals, diving and swooping and emitting calls that summon other birds. Researchers still have no idea whether an old, sick crow can foresee it's own impending death - and if so, plans it's own funeral as an opportunity to settle scores by not inviting any individuals in the flock it's diseased mind considers "wacko birds." If the dying crow was really sick and twisted, it might even not invite a loyal Alaskan magpie to dive and swoop at his rotting corpse just out of spite and to throw darts from beyond the grave.

Nah. Birds wouldn't harbor that degree of rancor and bitterness.

So do, in fact, animals actually mourn, or like human RINOS and democrats - do they simply fling their poo?