Saturday, May 31, 2014

Hateful Video of Spelling Bee Fail Leads to Unrest in Kabaragoya

Jay Carney looks a little punky as he exits the Tilt-A-Whirl after riding it for over three years...
I'm just happy obama was there to console him.
Watch out though. I think he's about to hurl!
Let's give a warm welcome to the new press secretary, Jacob #38, who has managed to bounce back after his premature elimination at Thursday evening’s Scripps National Spelling Bee.
 Hmmmm. Suspicious. Jacob and Jay share a striking resemblance. Has anyone seen them together in the same room? Where was Carney last Thursday when THIS happened?

Friday, May 30, 2014

Chattering Teeth Blog History 101 (please take out your protractors)

I golfed my first 9 holes of the 2014 season last night with my brother Snapper in his Thursday night golf league. I had a great time, but woke up late with a slight headache. I'm sure that has nothing to do with the post-round empty whiskey and diet cups we stacked in our cart cup holders.

If you click the link to visit that site, you just may recognize my influence as it's webmaster. My brother Snapper started this league in 1988 and I put it online in very basic and crude self-taught HTML form in 2001. I did this because I thought it would be unique to have our men's golf league online, and in the pre-blog days, I guess I just wanted a venue to accept my scribblings. I think I was also hoping that teaching myself web design and trying to wrestle the internet would somehow help in my single-handedly saving the newspaper industry (well, THAT went well :)

Back to the golf league. The league name "Snappers" arose from an encounter my oldest brother Rick had with a huge snapping turtle that was sunning himself on a fairway next to a pond that first year in 1988. Rick apparently told the guys in his group that it was a snapping turtle, when someone asked, "how do you know?" His plan was for the turtle to crunch down on the extended golf tee waving in front of it's prehistoric beak, but Rick's thumb must have looked tastier to the beast. While it did cost him a trip to the Emergency Room for a tetanus and some stitches, his right hand is still opposably-inclined. Rick was the unanimous recipient of the clubhouse "Asshole of the Day" vote. He became known as "Snapper", and as league founder, the league adopted it's moniker.

Nicknames are like that. The good ones are assigned and you can't pick your own. Mine also was born on the golf course many years ago, when friends watched in amazement as I shot a par 4 on a hole at Gaylord's Swampfire by blading every club. This was not a demonstration of purposeful shot trickery, rather an inept display of wild club swinging with uncanny and unexplained results. I even hit my putt a little thin, yet the planets were aligned in my favor that day my friends as it dropped mercifully into the hole. What else could my friends do but exclaim "DaBlade!".

So you see, the Chattering Teeth icon in the skybox at the Snappers Golf site preceded the one you see here at my blog. This biting animated gif is meant to symbolize the Snapping Turtle on the golf site. When I named my blog in 2008, the Chattering Teeth symbolizes my sometimes nonsensical smatterings, interspersed with the occasional insightful deep thought a turtle might have. AYYYYEEEYEE LIVE ACTION!

I was a regular league member a few years ago. Someone asked last night why I wasn't a regular anymore, and just the occasional sub. I answered, "I started playing golf around the age of 17, playing in weekly leagues and weekend practice rounds for the next 30 years. And then Obama was elected and that was my last year as a league member in 2008. My theory is that there are only so many cummulative golf rounds that can be played by the entiriety of humanity, and the massive amount of golf rounds played by this president have to come from somewhere."

I actually hit the ball decently last night, had a great time with the fellas, and it got me to thinking that I have to get out there more often. BTW, a Snapping Turtle has not been spotted in the fairway since that first year in 1988, and it had a hand (clawed paddle) in naming this blog. How's THAT for the hand of Providence?

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Top 5 ways to spoil your chicken

If you're like me, you spoil your chicken.

I bought mine a virtual reality headset so he has the freedom to roam without the roaming, so he can cross the road without leaving the safety of the coop, and for making him believe he is a free-range chicken. Sometimes, just to mess with him, I load the Colonel's program. Never fails! He always gives me the chicken finger for that.

Speaking of bucket lists, my chicken has always wanted to be a Chattering Teeth blog guest columnist. Today is the day! It will give me a chance to try out his Virtual Reality Headset. I hope you find him as insightful as I do. Take it away Mister Chicken!

--<- -="" nbsp="" y="">-  -<- p=""> -<- -="" br="" nbsp="" y="">dsij ros88gyu  fio i'uwr  pow[piof w[rio k

Sorry about that. I think the chicken has been into the zebra fishes' vodka stash.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Obama makes surprise trip to Afghanistan, refuses to meet with U.S. troops.

Obama makes surprise trip to Afghanistan to visit his troops and to blow the cover of the top U.S. CIA agent infidel there.

Mission accomplished. Obama would have done LESS damage to the U.S. HAD HE ACTUALLY visited the al Qaeda terrorist traing camp as these 2 minute photoshop images suggest.

Pictures of the practice grenade toss at the terrorist training camp are not available, as al Qaeda teased Obama incessantly for tossing the grenade from the elbow.

"Hey Obama, did you get it caught in your burka?"

It's nice to know that some things are universal.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Naked man uses obama's back door

The "nude guy at the gates of the White House" story,  as sung by Barack Obama himself!

(sung to the tune of Piano Man, by Billy Joel)

It's three o'clock on a Saturday
The regular crowd shuffles in
There's a nude man at the Northwest Gate
Smelling of urine and tonic and gin

He says, "Barry, can you give me a quarter?
I'm not really sure where mine goes
But you are my floozy, in the coin-operated jacuzzi
When you wear your emperor's clothes"

La, la, la, de, de, da
La, la, de, de, da, da, da

Sing us a song, you're the Bathhouse man
Sing us a song tonight
Well, we're all in the mood for a melody
And you've got us feelin' alright

Now John at the gate is a friend of mine
He gets me my choom for free
And he's quick with a smoke or to snort up your coke
But the Bathhouse is where he'd rather be

He says, "Barry, your economy is killing me"
As a smile ran away from his face
"Well, I'm sure that I could find me another job
If you would get out of this place"

Oh, la, la, la, de, de, da
La, la, de, de, da, da, da

Now Paul is a Desert Storm Veteran
Who never had time for a wife
And he's talkin' with Davy, who's still in the Navy
They'll be in the VA waiting line for life

And Barry is practicing politics
As the press drinks up what he said
And I can't help but think we'd be better off
If the nude man were president instead

Sing us a song, you're the Bathhouse man
Sing us a song tonight
Well, we're all in the mood for a melody
And you've got us feelin' alright

It's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday
And the secret service gives me a smile
'Cause he knows that it's me they've been comin' to see
To forget about life for a while

From my podium, it sounds like a carnival
And the teleprompter smells like a beer
And the press sits in the crowd and cheers my rhetorical flourish real loud
And I say, "Man, what is Ed Henry doin' here?"

Oh, la, la, la, de, de, da
La, la, de, de, da, da, da

Sing us a song, you're the Bathhouse man
Sing us a song tonight
Well, we're all in the mood for a melody
And you've got us feelin' alright

Friday, May 23, 2014

Meet The Ferals!

It's a modern day "odd Couple" story about two diametrically opposed polar opposites who got married on their first date after meeting at the zoo. (Yes, I know this is a cheap Dharma & Greg ripoff, but I've refreshed it to speak to the "Two Americas" of today).

The promo might go a little something like this:

They say opposites attract.
Rolf is a right-wing Christian conservative, and resident Sheriff of his small town. Guenon is a left-wing progressive marxist, and resident yoga instructor, dope smoker and part-time Palm Reader.

Rolf likes his steaks rare, while Guen is a strict vegetarian.

Rolf believes that marriage is a sacred covenant between a man and a woman, and Guen's first legal spouse took batteries and always caused her a commotion when going through airport security.

But perhaps the biggest difference between them is also the very thing they have most in common. Namely, a very unique childhood. It was similar in that Rolf Feral was raised by a pack of wolves, while Guenon was raised by gorillas.

It is their most challenging difference in that Rolf was abandoned as a toddler and raised by wild wolves in the forests of Yellowstone. She was also abandoned as a toddler only to be raised by a band of Mountain Gorillas. Not wild primates in the mists of a dense and remote rainforest deep in the African bush, rather in captivity at the San Diego zoo - somehow evading discovery in the overgrown gorilla enclosure for several years.

While Rolf learned the values of family and self-sufficiency from an early age, Guenon learned to be dependent and addicted to the entitlements handed down to her from the omnipotent zoo handlers that fed her band every day, and all they had to do was pick nats and fling poop.

That's it so far with the pilot episode. I'm sure hilarity will ensue, as Rolf works hard and plays by the rules, while Guen and her friends continue to break things and fling poop.

Stay tuned. I'll let you know if the networks return my calls.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Detroit News Front Page Today

GOOD NEWS! The "exodus from Detroit is continuing but may be slowing" while only just "1 in 3 Detroit pregnancies ends in abortion".

Let's phrase these two totally unrelated stories in the form of Common Core math problems

1. Detroit currently has 688,701 residents. In 1950, there were 1.9 million residents. How many more apples does Pat have than Jen?

2. 1 in 3 Detroit pregnancies ends in abortion due to Mitt Romney and the rising poverty and dwindling access to affordable contraception. Randomly shade in any number of these boxes (or doodle in the margins) for full credit.

3. It is unfair that Pat has more apples than Jen. He didn't pick those! Draw a picture on how to solve the apple inequality and how best to punish Pat.

Obviously, abortion is not the reason Detroit has imploded, not does it have anything to do with the democrat monopoly over this once fair city. It has everything to do with man-made climate change, Fox News, Rush Limbaugh and George W Bush. And Obamacare is working!

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Obama Little League

Did you see where Barack "small balls" Obama stopped his motorcade between fundraisers and caused a huge traffic jam just so he could play baseball with some little leaguers? Jay Carney has just announced that the traffic jam was the fault of Governor Chris Christie stopping at a hotdog stand or something.

The president paid a surprise visit to Washington's Friendship Park, where a handful of teams were already in full swing.

Obama shook hands with the players and posed for photos with each team. He even tried his hand at pitching.

Shocked parents reached for their smartphones to snap a quick photo, but not all of their kids were as impressed. Some held back, unsure of who Obama was, until their parents led them back onto the infield.

"Some held back, unsure of who Obama was..."  
are you sure about that? Why would a kid that age appreciate an old dude marching onto their field and girlie-throwing the baseball?

"until their parents led them back onto the infield."
 because, seriously, who needs an IRS audit?

I was reminded of that feel-good coming-of-age film from 1993 title The Sandlot. This remake, however, makes me feel not-so-good. Like maybe a little bile on the buds.

Fans of the original film may recognize this scene's slight re-write:

Smalls: I was gonna put the ball back.

Squints: But it was signed by Barack Obama!

Smalls: Yeah, you keep telling me that! Who is she?

Ham Porter: WHAT? WHAT?

Kenny: The sultan of shank!

Bertram: The king of economy crash!

Timmy: The colossus of debt!

Tommy: The colossus of choom!




Smalls: Oh my god! You mean that's the same guy?

Monday, May 19, 2014

C'mon Abe! Everybody knows that "all men are engendered equipollent"!

FULL DISCLOSURE: Sometimes I run the blogs I read through this Complex Sentence Generator just for "kicks and grins."

Oops, I mean just for "a forceful thrust with the foot and a broad smile in an unrestrained manner."

Not even Abe can escape it's evil clutches...

INPUT: Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

OUTPUT (after laundering through this vocabulary improvement tool): Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, an incipient nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are engendered equipollent.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Hashtag Bring Back Chattering Teeth!

I have heard my people's cry! After all, yours is a benevolent blogger king.
'Blade, where have you been?

I hopefully refuted Jess' assertion that my absense had anything to do with an alien abduction #butt probe. There was no Close Encounter of the Michael Sam Kind.

PICTURED: the Mother's day gift to Mrs. DaBlade, from our boys. It is the Lincoln Log version of our planned bugout Chattering Teeth mountain retreat compound.

I am just happy our boys have learned the art of Lincoln Log window installation in the last 15-20 years.

This was NOT my reaction...

The reason this was the perfect gift for mom is because she is always posting pictures of log cabins like this on her FB page.

She is happy to tell anyone who will listen (and twice to those unwilling) that her dream is to escape to her own mountain log cabin, due to the sad state of moral corruption and decay that has rotted the core of this country.

For myself, I can't just sit around the compound. I've been exploring and taming the virtual island world that is Far Cry 3 in my computer.

The setting is a savage paradise where lawlessness and violence rule. Sort of like the post-obama era. Someone will have to defend the compound when Mooshell's over-sized 16 heel falls. Seriously, this is a very addictive game. I will try to come up for air more often, however. The cabin is not yet built.

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Ren & Stimpy in "The Preakness you Eeeediot!"

California Chrome is the favorite in today's Preakness Stakes, the second leg of the Triple Crown. There has been an awful lot of rain, so when I saw this pre-photoshopped pic of California Chrome practicing, I thought of none other than Muddy Mudskipper of Ren & Stimpy fame.

Muddy would be the favorite today, if only he didn't keep throwing his jockey, Cousin Sven. Ren & Stimpy fans be advised. Track conditions wet. Please wear your rubber nipples.

OK, so I watched cartoons in my youth (30's), so what? Here is a picture from 2011 of California Chrome as a foal. Check out those chrome socks and hood ornament! Don't you be a foal and bet against this colt!

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

"Weather from the White House", an afternoon with meteorologist and constitutional scholar obama

obama will download his Marxist marching orders directly to the television weather people today. 

It is not clear if Al Roker will be back in the White House (or 'scene of the crime' if you prefer) or if he will be allowed diaper changes during obama's climate manifesto.

The new Obama Weather app will be downloaded onto the weather folk's smartphones during today's meeting of the Village Idiots.

Monday, May 5, 2014

A Big Year for the Farkle Family

My middle son graduated from my alma mater yesterday (Go Blue!) with a BS in Actuarial Science, which has something to do with math and/or math equations involving numbers and function thingys.

It's rather complicated and probably over your head. Just know that I am very proud of the lad because I know how hard he has worked and busted tail these last 4 years.

He told me it felt good to not have a homework assignment due tomorrow, and then he said something about not caring if he ever dealt with another 'Intra girl' (whatever that is). I told him, "Son, you're an engaged man and your college days are now over, so you'd better be done with all those other girls."

"No dad, Integral, not intra girl! An integral is a mathematical object that can be interpreted as an area or a generalization of area. Integrals, together with derivatives, are the fundamental objects of calculus. Other words for integral include antiderivative and primitive."

"SON! Watch what you say about my future daughter-in-law!"

So did I already tell you how this is a big year for my family and about the engagements? My oldest of 3 sons is engaged to be married in December. My middle boy (and recent grad here) is getting married in October. Two in one year! My baby, who is now 19, insists he will not be making this a matrimonial trifecta, which is fine by me.

Yep. A big year indeed!

Sunday, May 4, 2014

I wish they all could be California Chrome!

I love this horse and can't wait for the movie!
“It’s like a storybook kind of thing...”

The logo "DAP" sported on the silks of California Chrome and jockey Victor Espinoza stands for Dumb-Ass Partners, a dubious title bestowed on the owners for purchasing a "worthless" mare Love That Chase at an auction for $8,000. California Chrome was foaled on Feb. 18, 2011 and was the "Love child" of Love That Chase and Lucky Pulpit, a winner of three races from 22 starts who was standing for $2,500.

RANDOM THOUGHT: What would weigh more, $2,500 Dollars worth of filled Elmer's Glue bottles or a retired Lucky Pulpit at the auction block?

I have nothing against the "wealthy owners and regally bred horses" dominating this sport per se, but I find it inspiring that a one-horse stable produced the Kentucky Derby champion for a couple of working folks. California Chrome doesn't seem to realize its "Chestnut Trash". Since nobody discouraged this colt by telling him he didn't have it in him, he didn't know any better.

There might be a life lesson in there somewhere. Be encouraging to your children... and make them eat their carrots.

I'm lookin forward to the Preakness in a couple of weeks, then the Belmont shortly after. Will California Chrome win the next two (that would be a lucky 7 in-a-row) to become the first Triple Crown winner since Affirmed in 1978?

Do you care? Maybe you're like one of my FB friends who posted this yesterday:
Call me what you like, but I've never been able to understand the fascination of "the greatest 2-minutes in sports"....or as most people call it- the Kentucky Derby. It's horses with dinky dudes on them turning left...kinda fast. Big whoop.

I certainly understand that opinion as it was one I used to share. that is, until I visited Churchill Downs many years ago during a newspaper convention held in Louisville. Oh the pomp! The circumstance!

Now there is nothing I like to do more on Derby day than to light a cigar, sip a mint julip and prance around the living room in a wide brimmed hat with flowing ribbons.

The last sentence was included to see if you were still awake.I obviously am not allowed to smoke cigars in the house.

I love that these owners, after being mocked as dumbasses, had the stallions to actually have a DAP logo put on their uniforms. This is reminiscent of Babe Ruth's called shot point-and-swing home run. I do love this world series of thoroughbred racing. It's not too late to jump on California Chrome's bandwagon!

LUCKY PULPIT: "Did someone saaaaay something about a plow wagon?"
LOVE THAT CHASE: "Go baaack to sleep 'Elmer'. I'll wake you when your boy is running again."