Thursday, October 3, 2019

Monday, September 23, 2019

What Barbara Bush Would Say

When I saw that photo of the Iranian militiamen above the fold and big as you please, I couldn't help wondering what Barbara Bush would say. I think she's cleared that up. I tend to agree with her.

Sunday, September 22, 2019

Bongo Joe "behind the gym"

"Bongo" Joe Biden threatens to beat Trump "like a drum".

What is it with Joe Biden's threats of violence against Donald Trump?

"Bongo" Joe has a long history of making threats of physical violence against this president. Remember back in 2016 when he said, "If we were in high school, I'd take him behind the gym and beat the hell out of him".

A year later, he doubled down on his physical threats. “The idea that I’d be intimidated by Donald Trump? ... He’s the bully that I’ve always stood up to. He’s the bully that used to make fun when I was a kid that I stutter, and I’d smack him in the mouth.”

"Oh, just trust me, I would kick his ass. He'd be easy," Trump has said.

This Chattering Teeth reporter has used Justice Kavanaugh's Frat House Time Machine (made from a car battery, jumper cables and spare beer kegger taps) to go back in time to peek in on Donald J Trump and his visit to the puny Bongo Joe Biden at his locker in order to collect his lunch money.

Friday, September 20, 2019

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau now says Wearing black face is a human right

Here come the long lines. When the government makes black face "free," woke white guilt progressives' demand for black face services surges. They have no incentive to limit their visits or choose more cost-efficient makeup.

Tuesday, September 17, 2019

The New York Times Supermarket Tabloid Landfill Fodder

Chattering Teeth News - The New York Times latest explosive report claims that when Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh was still at Yale, he used a hot tub time machine from the basement of his frat house (and made from a car battery, jumper cables and spare beer kegger taps) to go back to November 2, 1948 and rape Harry S. Truman on the eve of his election.

Democrats immediately began calling for Kavanaugh's impeachment and removal from the high court after these baseless allegations.

The paper was forced to issue an update that included the significant detail that several friends of the alleged victim were exhumed and could not recall the purported sexual assault. The paper also had to admit that time travel was not yet possible, let alone in the 1980s when Brett was at Yale. However, they theorized that sometime in the distant future, time travel is likely, and that a future time traveler could potential go back to the 80s with a spare time machine for Brett to then use to go back to 1948.

When the NY Times was asked how this fake hit piece came to be published, a spokesperson for the paper claimed "friends pushed a pen into the hand of a female reporter and she has no memory of using these words."

The reporter herself used a Joe Biden gaffe as her defense, claiming that she came from a very poor background and therefore "heard 4 million words fewer spoken by the time she got there".

The alleged victim's desiccated corpse refused to be interviewed.


Sunday, September 15, 2019

Beto: "Hell yes. We’re going to take your baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet"

Beto: "Hell yes. We’re going to take your baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet"

O’Rourke says baseball is a sport that involves attempting to hit a high-velocity ball and designed to entertain people in a ballpark. Sure, it looks easy for a muscular and fit professional baseball player to shred the cover off the ball with a high-impact swing of the bat - but when I see this sport played by children... I saw a 9-year-old girl in Podunk, USA, cry after dribbling the ball 2 feet off a tee and failing to make it to first base before getting tagged out by the catcher! 

And the hot dog? When this high-cholesterol, high-sodium weiner, when it hits your body, shreds everything inside of your body, your waistline and arteries, because it was designed to do that...

As for the apple pie and their classic pastry crust made from butter, flour and sugar... how could I hope to maintain my 6'4" 90-lb effeminate girlish figure by consuming these?

Forget about the Chevrolet and it's planet-destroying and fossil fuel guzzling combustible engine.

Hell yes. We’re going to take your baseball, your hot dogs. Your pie. Your cars. We’re not going to allow fellow Americans to enjoy unhealthy freedoms anymore.

Thursday, September 12, 2019

Politicians in cars getting Cheeseburgers

BLOG ANNOUNCER GUY: Good afternoon, and welcome to another exciting episode of Politicians in Cars Getting Cheeseburgers, with your host, President Donald J Trump!

[theme music - Glenn Miller's opening of In The Mood starts the show!!!]

SHOW RECAP: Whether Trump is entertaining visiting dignitaries, royalty from overseas, business tycoons - or just Whenever he gets a hankerin' for a late night cheeseburger - the president calls down to his secret motor pool to have James 'Mad Dog' Mattis pull around to the South Lawn door for a quick exfil and gettaway from CNN fake news reporter, Jim Acosta, who is usually hiding naked in some White House bushes taking notes (or something).

Mad Dog has been President Trump's wheelman and impromptu valet ever since he resigned as Secretary of Defense last December. Today, he is driving a mini eco car in order to throw off the press pool, who would never dream that Trump would ever ride in an environmentally friendly car. What they don't know is that Trump had his smart cars retrofitted to run on high octane Polar Bear blood.

...and now, on to the show!!! [raucous applause]

In this week's episode, President Trump takes John Bolton for a ride. The National Security Adviser thinks he is being treated to a Big Mac from the boss, but actually Trump tells him that his services are no longer needed at the White House, and instructs Mad Dog to pull over and throw Bolton out at the corner of First Street and Union Station Plaza Northeast.

This latest move has once again stymied the fake news media who hate John Bolton and his hawkish foreign policy positions, yet hate the president even more. Trump calls this pulling the rug with the fake news media. He did the same thing with the firing of James Comey, whom the leftists hated while he was FBI director, but suddenly loved him after Trump fired him.

Now that John Bolton is out as National Security Advisor, who is the next in line? Chattering Teeth News has it on good authority (made up) that MICHAEL Bolton will soon be named to fill the slot.

Before anyone feels sorry for the departing Bolton, John has signed with Chattering Teeth Publishing to record this new album...

(yes, those last 2 are repeats of mine but I like them, so...)


Wednesday, September 11, 2019

Trump's Sharpie Does it Again!

Trump uses sharpie to extend Conservative Republican Dan Bishop's victory in NC to include Alabama's 7th Congressional district and unseating Terri Sewell, the only Democrat Congressman in Alabama.

Friday, September 6, 2019

Creepy Joe Biden and his Blood Eye of Sauron

Is this blood in his eye medically just a subconjunctival hemorrhage, or is this a bad omen and foreshadowing of doom? Is the evil eye a curse? And if so, will this result in Obama's endorsement now?

"Far off the shadows of Sauron hung; but torn by some gust of wind out of the world, or else moved by some great disquiet within, the mantling clouds swirled, and for a moment drew aside; and then he saw, rising black, blacker and darker than the vast shades amid which it stood, the cruel pinnacles and iron crown of the topmost tower of Barad-dûr. One moment only it stared out, but as from some great window immeasurably high there stabbed northward a flame of red, the flicker of a piercing Eye; and then the shadows were furled again and the terrible vision was removed."

Tuesday, September 3, 2019

Biden awards medals to North Korean Generals

Chattering Teeth News - Joe Biden has recently received a ton of negative attention for his telling of stump speech composite stories that never actually happened. 

To one crowd, he says he traveled to godforsaken country of Kunar province in Afghanistan in order to pin a medal on a grieving Navy captain in recognition for his heroism.

In another, Biden tells how he bravely brushed off warnings from staff for a risky trip to Walmart in outskirts of Kabul in order to award medal to stock boy who rappelled down a stack of 60-foot shelving after retrieving a bulk-sized brick of toilet paper while under verbal fire from a sheep herder with the runs.

“He said, ‘Sir, I don’t want the damn thing!’ ” Biden said, his jaw clenched and his voice rising to a shout. “ ‘Do not pin it on me, Sir! Please, Sir. Do not do that! He crapped his pants! Sir, he crapped his pants!’"

Joe's latest version has him recounting a peace-keeping mission to PingPong, North Korea, under invite from Gleatest Reader, Kim Jong-Un in order to pin several thousand medals on his current staff of Hundred-Star Generals in honor of them avoiding Kim's wrath for yet another week and having not been sent to a labor camp been or executed and fed to his dogs.

Snopes, the 'independent internet truth barometer', has rated this latest recount as a Mixture of truth and harmless misspeak.

What's False
Biden's story is not "false," as was widely reported, because his underlying recollection of pinning a medal on a grieving soldier who did not want the medal is based on a real occurrence, when as a boy in Scranton, Pennsylvania, he cried when he was blindfolded and couldn't successfully pin the tail on the donkey during his 10th Birthday party, and then shat himself in the process.


Saturday, August 31, 2019



As a dedicated part-time independent self-proclaimed weather specialist and self-described world renowned leader in anagram interpretation, I made THIS shocking discovery regarding Hurricane Dorian while experiencing an alcohol self-induced Dyslexic fugue...

As you may know, the definition of an ANAGRAM is, "a word or phrase made by transposing the letters of another word or phrase." At least according to Mamerri Wetsber.

Well, what better way to scramble up a bunch of letters than the high winds of a tropical storm rum after-work cocktail? I hope I'm wrong, because a magical unicorn with the runs could unleash a large glitter bomb of sprinkles and colorful rainbows powerful enough to gender-confuse the entire state of Florida.

Ever since I discovered this shocking anagram, I've burned the midnight oil (and my bottle of Macallan 12 Year Single Malt Scotch) studying my Fisher Price toy spaghetti model. Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs?

Thankfully, this spaghetti only models a CAT ONE... (albeit with a very strong eye wall)

If we've learned anything from our national treasure that is Nicolas Cage, it's that the illuminazis have controlled the weather ever since George W Bush purposefully unleashed Hurricane Katrina with his weather machine. However, this is the people's weather machine now!!! Can Trump and the power of the weather machine turn this storm and keep it off the coast?

The nation girds its collective non-gender specific loin area for what may come next.

Stay tuned to this blog for important updates you will not get anywhere else. Seriously, just stare at the screen and occasionally hit refresh. You'll be glad you did.

In the meantime: Know your hurricane categories, and prayers for all in this storms path.


Saturday, August 17, 2019

who burned down Rashida's anti-semitic she shed?

In the original State Farm commercial, we see Cheryl's She Shed burning to the ground. Her husband, Victor, insists that the She Shed was struck by lightning (as he stands in the yard in his bathrobe, apparently washing gasoline off his hands with the garden hose).

In the latest (fake) State Farm update, we see Rashida tlaib's anti-semitic she shed and terrorist training camp spontaneously combust as The Squad looks on.

Maybe we'll never know who incinerated Rashida's anti-semitic She Shed, just like we'll never know for sure whether Jake from State Farm is really a dude or a democrat she-male in khakis. Some things just remain mysteries.

In other unrelated news, mere minutes after Rashida's She Shed burned to the ground, Israeli Prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu lands and disembarks from his F-15i fighter after enjoying a late night joy ride.

Tuesday, August 13, 2019

Friday, July 5, 2019

Salute to America

Sad and pathetic America-haters apparently did show up to the White House to protest President Trump's patriotic July 4th celebration - burning flags and playing with a large Trump balloon. I am not sure if Mike Dukakis and his toy tank was among them. I'm pretty sure Ron Silver wasn't, unless he was reanimated by the Red Witch.

Trump gave tribute to the reason for the 4th of July holiday — the signing of the Declaration of Independence in 1776. "With a single sheet of parchment and 56 signatures, America began the greatest political journey in human history," Trump said. "wait, make that 57 signatures!"

Wednesday, July 3, 2019


Don't think to much about why Bill Nye the Science Guy would actually light Colin Kaepernick's afro on fire. Just bask in the transient heat provided by this satisfying brush fire. I was going to add Creepy Joe Biden hugging and snuggling Bill Nye from behind, but I thought that would make too much sense.

Tuesday, July 2, 2019

Wednesday, June 12, 2019

Game of Pong

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dangles 2020 endorsement: Bernie Sanders or Elizabeth Warren?

Only one way AOC will be comfortable making this choice.  That's right...


My money's on The Injun. I still remember fondly her beer Instagram candidacy announcement On New Year's Eve... "I'm gonna get me... ummm, a beer"

Now if she can only get the darn bottle open!

Monday, June 10, 2019


OK, admittedly that puzzle wasn't really fair as there is no real difference between these candidates and the background.

It's almost as unfair as expecting Creepy Joe to negotiate his way through a single-stalk Iowan corn maze.

With this invasion of 19 looney dimocrat politicians, you can't blame the natives for seeking the nearest shelter...

photo from

Saturday, June 8, 2019

Glenn Beck's Latest Masterpiece

The Glenn Beck Show (and all of Blaze Media) is in my regular rotation, and that is how I know that this Hitler painting took him 10 hours to complete. His podcast cracks me up - he told the story of when he was just finishing this painting when his wife walks into the room. She looks at the Hitler painting. She looks at her husband and she says, "what are we going to be doing tonight?" - not even commenting on the latest of her husband's idiosyncrasies.

In the painting, Glenn compares the genocidal maniac, Adolph Hitler, with the genocidal government funded Planned Parenthood. Great minds think alike. I had this same though back in 2013. I'll re-post below, but first the painting that Ebay removed yesterday (joining the likes of twitter, Facebook, google and Youtube as leftist propaganda publishers who want to silence the right and are afforded the governmental protections as platforms.)

That sounds like the policies of the past. Learn from the it, or be doomed to repeat it. Bid on my painting based on 1940's U.S. war propaganda and share. All proceeds go to Mercury One for pro-life charities.
- Glenn Beck

and now, this blast from the past (and possibly Beck's motivation for his painting? I want my cut of that $1 sales price!)

Parallel Universe Thursday: Planned Fatherland and the trial of Dr. Mengele

Somewhere in a parallel universe (not that far away); a place where Germany won WWII...

Planned Fatherland is the largest provider of "reproductive health services" in Nazi Germany. Due to the Fuehrer's generous funding, Planned Fatherland has established numerous concentration clinics providing free services to poor Jewish, Christian and black peasants all across New Deutschland, or what was once known as America.

They have come a long way since the 1930s and '40s, when they were able to provide post-fertilization services to only about 6 million indigent Jews. Since then, they have expanded these free concentration contraception services to all who worship at the altar of the "Angel of Death" (but specifically targeted to eradicate from humanity the impure races of Jews and Africans). From 6 million to over 54 million served! Heil Dear Leader!

Earlier this week, Dr. Kermit Gosnell was found guilty. Not because he enjoyed killing thousands of babies by cutting their spinal cords with scissors. Not because he put late-term survivors in a toilet and amused himself by watching them swim. He was not found guilty because he stored remains of aborted fetuses in water jugs, pet food containers and a freezer at the clinic. After all, he was only following the techniques established by Planned Fatherland's founder, "Doctor" Josef Rudolf Mengele, who is famous for performing human experiments on children. 

No, Dr. Kermit Gosnell's crimes are much more heinous than those. You see, instead of quietly going about his spine snipping business behind closed doors, he made the mistake of bringing negative attention to himself and the Nazi ProgreSSive cause.

Planned Fatherland issued this statement:
"We must have and enforce laws that protect access to safe and legal torture and purging from society of the racially undesirable elements."

The life of a Jew after a botched gassing should be left up to the Kommandant, the fuehrer, and the physician.

"ProgreSSives" are the same in any universe, and by any other name would be as morally corrupt.

Tuesday, June 4, 2019

So you really think you can be anything you want to be because you are entitled or something?

I've heard it said that this crop of 20 to 30-somethings were the first generation to have their evil parents tell them they were special. I don't buy that. But maybe they are the first generation where their teacher gave them an 'A' and the coach gave them a trophy just for showing up.

Pop Quiz: Question 1 - Who first said this?
You can have anything you want -
if you want it badly enough.
You can be anything you want to be,
do anything you set out to accomplish
if you hold to that desire with singleness of purpose.

Hint: It isn't Hillary Clinton...

A) Bill Gates

B) That children's show actor who thought he was a climatologist

c) That grown a$$ man who identified as a little girl

D) Abraham Lincoln

The answer, of course, is 'D'. Abraham Lincoln. Honest Abe. Lincoln, the second greatest President just a tad behind our current great, President Donald J Trump.

If you jumped into a time travel phone booth and was transported back to the 1990s and asked a bunch of elementary kids what they wanted to be when they grew up - most would almost certainly say they wanted to be Marine Biologists or an Astronaut. Oh sure, there would be the occasional weirdo who might state they wanted to some day be a pilot of an official Oscar Mayer Wienermobile, but that's just crazy talk. What are the odds of that?

The problem with the above answers, children, has to do with something called 'market forces' and 'supply and demand'. 

Let's look at the numbers. Per the US Census Bureau, the estimated number of U.S. millennials in 2015 was 83.1 million. There are only approximately 8,520 Marine Biologists, and there has never been more than 150 astronauts at any given time. Looks like a few disappointed Johnnys and Sallys.

Oh yah? Well at least they can always be an Oscar Mayer Weinermobile pilot, right?.... Not so fast.

Many university grads saying 'I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Wiener'

The number of applications to become “hotdoggers” has shot up to 7,000 in 2019, ... Oscar Mayer has a tradition dating back to 1988 where six Wienermobiles tour the U.S. and Canada throughout the year promoting the brand name processed meats, usually in crews of two — one male and one female — commandeering the giant-size fiberglass wiener vehicles... Lottery-winning candidates who get hired by Oscar Mayer go through two weeks of Hot Dog High, where they learn about the company and get driver training so they can adeptly steer the Wienermobile.

What? You mean there are no more than 12 “hotdoggers" (6 Pilots for the Wienermobiles and 6 Commander positions inside the giant-size fiberglass wiener vehicles) at an given time?

In conclusion, maybe the weiner-wannas should be more practicle while pursuing the Hot Dog High. A job that is in high demand and produces a product that flys off the shelves... say, a line worker at a trophy manufacturer? Or maybe a hot dog vendor at the local The Home Depot?

Speaking of which, here are some critically acclaimed clips from my interview with just such a vendor a few years back who clearly wasted her money getting loans to go to Hot Dog High...

The wife and I stopped by the local Home Depot after church yesterday to buy a power washer, deck stain and assorted rollers and accessories. Apparently, my wife believes that Memorial Day weekend is meant to be spent in hard labor around the homestead. I reminded her that the day is set aside to remember those who gave the ultimate sacrifice for our freedoms, and "how am I supposed to do that while working?" She reminded me that weekends squandered in leisure is not considered an 'ultimate sacrifice', and to "quit yer whining!"

So there I was, pushing the cart of goodies toward the exit just past the hot dog vendor. The misses must have been feeling some fraction of guilt for the lash marks on my back, as she nodded at the hot dog vendor while telling me, "go ahead".

The peddler and purveyor of these plump and prodigious redhots was a young female working alone. Apparently, she was expected to multitask as the chef AND the cashier. I placed my order for a hot dog.

I should have known she was not fully trained when she asked, "What kind? A regular hot dog or a Vienna?"

I was momentarily confused and felt slight vertigo by her question, and wondered if I mistakenly used my fake French accent when placing my order - thereby throwing her off and eliciting her question. I shook off my momentary fugue, and answered in my very best Flint accent, "Vienna, daaaaang girl!"

While she was 'preparing' my post-Home Depot feast, I engaged her in a palaver of verbal confabulation for my own amusement. "I'm sure you are aware, madame - as you are in the business so to speak - that Merriam-Webster just recently declared by decree that the hot dog shall henceforth be considered a sandwich. How does this make you feel?"

She giggled and said she had not heard this and she didn't care one way or the other.

I searched her eyes and face for tics or other tells that might suggest a lack of veracity or that she might somehow be involved in this conspiracy. Finding none, I determined that she really hadn't read or heard about this frankfurter travesty of justice. This immediately enraged me. How can Home Depot enlist a hot dog vendor who doesn't keep up on the very latest hot dog news!?

Calling a hot dog a sandwich? You might as well say the Earth is flat! or that anthropogenic Global Warming is a thing!

I slathered a healthy portion of mustard and onions on my vienna and stormed through the exit, mumbling unintellibles all the way to the car.


So in conclusion, a hot dog may be a sandwich, but it will never be a sammich!


Wednesday, May 29, 2019

Kid's Predictions

What you are about to read is ground-breaking prophesy by the one and only Kid of the infamous Diary of a Right Wing Pussycat. It has been shamelessly copied and pasted by me from the comment section of my previous post without permission from the author. Be warned, dear reader. Once read, it cannot be unread. This message will permeate your soul to the core. You may laugh. You will probably intermittently sob. If you choose to proceed, I recommend you have a box of Kleenex handy (and be wearing an absorbent diaper in the likely scenario of a prolonged fugue).

His story must be told.

Ok, Predictions.............

DJ Trump and Mike Pence are consumed by a Jellystone Major Minor Super Volcano while campaigning in where-ever that place is and Nana Pelosi becomes PRESIDENT. The globalist world has a simultaneous orgasm and capitalism dies of a combination of a rabies plus termite infestation combined with Malaria and Polio, And over the top stupididity. Nana chooses longtime San Fran homeless and toothless resident otis the transgender person of unknown gender as his, her or whatitsis as Vice President. The lgbtqrstuv community has a collective orgasmic event that is non-descriptive since none of them actually know how to have an orgasm in a given gender capacity. Lets move on.

Boris Johnson is elected Prime Minister and is immediately eaten in cannibal fashion by a transgender creature who has recently ingested bath salts in Florida. He or she is married to a person of unknown gender who is a Harvard Law grad and who gets he/she or it off on a charge of racial bias, cultural appropriation and virtue signaling. Well, Natch.

Meanwhile barry soetoro is fatally impaled on the bayonet of the first female of the 3rd Infantry Army to serve as a Tomb Sentry and dies as michelle obama instinctively thrusts his/her penis into barry's oral orifice providing barry one last 'taste' of "screw America" visual - physical symbolism. Someone told me this is how it went. Seems a perfect timeline of events.

Monday, May 27, 2019

Nancy Pelosi orders a Triple Martini

The DNC just tweeted a video montage of Nancy Pelosi that was heavily edited to the point where it appeared she had a string of coherent thoughts. The video was so heavily doctored that even her denture slippages and spittle spray were photo shopped out of each frame. It was apparently created in response to this Trump Tweet:


In other news...
The man poised to be the next British leader has hair styled by passing tornado.

And how could we forget... Memorial Days Past:
(2015) Obama's bizarre Memorial Day climate change speech at Arlington National Cemetery

(2016) From the First Family Dogs, Sunny and Bo, to all of you... Happy Memorial Day!

(2017) North Korea Launches skinless Beef Hot Dog

Monday, May 20, 2019

Trump Topiary Tuesday

Rep. Justin Amash, R-Mich., became the first Republican to publicly accuse Trump of engaging in “impeachable conduct”... 

and gets free lawn job.

Sunday, May 19, 2019

Schwarzenegger Snuggled and awkwardly kissed by Joe Biden

Arnold Schwarzenegger savagely attacked and awkwardly kissed by Joe Biden, who was then swiftly pinned down by security.