Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Headline you'll never see: Church Wedding canceled for Obama visit

Cue wavy lines for Chattering Teeth Blog Dream sequence...

Today's top story: Soldiers forced to relocate from their Christian church wedding so Obama could pray.

Wedding nuptials had just gotten started when an Army couple, their wedding party, family and friends were told to "move it outside" because President Obama required the entire holy sanctuary to do some soul searching and hard praying to a higher power (no, not to "Putin").  

"So you folks think you're getting married inside this church today?", Obama was overheard asking. "VETO!," he shouted, scaring the little flower girl and causing her to burst into tears.

"There are going to be some areas where people disagree with me," obama understated later. "But I haven't used the veto pen very often since I've been in office, but this was one of those times where I've got to pull that pen out. If you don't believe me, try getting an ice cream or a cone of shaved ice at the stand down the street later."

The new bride was upset, but otherwise understanding. "Who are we to get in the way of our selfless president when he wants to humble himself in prayer petitioning for this country and asking forgiveness for the absolute mess he's made of everything?"

The new groom wasn't as accommodating. "Who plays through a church wedding? It's not like we were crazy enough to plan on getting wed on the 16th tee box at Kaneohe Klipper Golf Course on Oahu, Hawaii near Obama's vacation retreat during Christmas week," he argued. "That'd be like climbing a tree in a lightning storm."

...and that's when I woke up slumped at my desk in the spacious Chattering Teeth Studios, my cheek in a cooling pile of my own drool.
Obama in church? Of course I had been dreaming. I looked up at my computer screen and read the actual article headline:

Soldiers Relocate Wedding to Accommodate Obama's Golf Game

The couple reportedly ended up moving to a lush site overlooking the 16th hole, which one of the wedding planners said was more secluded and prettier anyway.

Well, perfect! What an excellent venue for a couple to exchange vows promising everlasting love and a lifetime commitment, all the while ducking errant golf balls and brief interruptions while passers-by urinate in the fairway lined shrubbery.

At least the president called the bride to apologize, and joked with the groom saying, "Don't do anything later that I wouldn't do!" "What, like snort a few lines of 'coke' and frequent a gay bathhouse?," answered the groom.

OK, I might have made that last part up. It's the 'journalist' in me when I do that.

Still reeling from the  “hilariously bad” optics this has caused the president, he ordered thousands of tourists evacuated from Waikiki Beach and cordoned off with yellow police tape. When asked why?, he simply stated that Michelle had planned to put on a bikini and head down to the beach later.

"Talk about bad optics," obama stated. "Trust me! Nobody needs to see THAT!"


  1. Well the only time O gets on his knees is NOT to pray.

  2. Buut it really irks me how suck up those two captains were because he called to apologize, instead of calling to cancel his game.

  3. First of all, I wouldn't have scheduled a wedding on a golf course... FORE!!!

    Secondly, Obola's "I didn't know there was a wedding or he would've skipped that hole" claim is no excuse. The Secret Service really is dropping the (golf) ball if it didn't know about the surroundings.

    Thirdly, not really a corollary, but more of a reiteration of #1. Weddings are stressful enough. Do you want to be anywhere near flying golfballs during your wedding especially when there is a likelihood of horrid players such as Obola being in the vicinity of your ice swan sculpture?

    Seriously, FORE!!!

    Idiots do abound.

  4. Ed, I am suspicious of these two soldiers' motives and they sound like democrat lackeys to me. Apparently they invited obama to their wedding much earlier, then planned it on a golf course near him. I don't have any sympathy for them or their 'inconvenience'.

    cube, I'm with you. If it's not held in a church in front of a man of God, it's just a costume party. No offense intended to anyone. I love a good costume party.