Friday, September 16, 2016



So you want to be a Hillary Handler? Do you believe you have what it takes?

We here at the Hillary Handler Training Academy take your training very seriously. The Academy is located in a sprawling underground campus hidden under Chelsea's house (with a fully staffed hospital). After successfully completing this 6-week course consisting of a combination of classroom and grueling obstacle course work, you will have the following skills:

* Ninja-like ability to be camouflaged in plain sight - the ability to always be within proximity of "the subject" and ready to assist at a moment's notice, but out-of-the-way and not immediately noticeable to others in the crowded groupings.

* Magician-like skills and ability to appear out of nowhere to surreptitiously administer booster shots to "the subject" of whatever is needed at the time from a concealed-carry syringe and vials of various medications for strokes & seizures - but all labeled for "allergies".

* Fireman-like strength and ability to catch the subject after a sudden collapse and to deadlift and drag the subject into the waiting and idling van in such a way as to make it appear the subject is still conscious and animated under their own power. 

* NASCAR-like driving abilities in case the regular driver suffers an accidental ashtray throw from the back seat to his temple. (we here at the Hillary Handler Training Academy believe in cross-training our HH Agents)

Those with family, friends, neighbors or loved ones who would otherwise notice their eventual permanent disappearance need not apply.

1 comment: