The leak responsible for gushing 800,000 gallons of oil a day into the Gulf of Mexico has finally been plugged with Obama's used teleprompters!
Scientists had been scrambling to find a material that would effectively plug this gaping maw (the hole in the seabed, not Obama's pie hole) in a tactic known as a Top Kill. Heavy mud, cement, tire shards and even golf balls have been tried, yet to no avail.
"The problem was the pressure of oil and gas escaping from the well was simply too powerful to overcome with these materials," explained Phil McCraken, a BP engineer. "That's when I started to brainstorm for a material that possesses it's own blowback pressure... something that not only defies logic, but also repels it. That's when I had the Eureka! moment."
Engineers believe that the oil flow is staved off by a continuous flow of rhetorical flourish emminating from the teleprompters, acting like a sort of force field and containing the hole. Meanwhile, the drilling of relief wells are expected to be completed by August, putting an end to this sad chapter of America's second worst man-made disaster.
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs says President Obama has no comment. In fact, Obama will have no more comments on anything until engineers complete the construction of a "relief teleprompter" in a few days. Sadly, we will have to wait for the next presidential election in 2012 to finally put to rest this administration and America's worst ever man-made disaster.
Pictured: Obama is speechless as he examines a piece of broken teleprompter that had washed ashore.