Saturday, June 30, 2012

What I did last night (a short story) ALT TITLE: You can have your urinal cake but don't eat it too

What was that? Did I hear something?

I realize that I'm not awake... at least not fully. I seem to be in that fuguelike transitional state between sleep and consciousness. That half-dream borderland that has always scared me since I was a child, waking all sweaty from a nightmare just enough to recognize my sleep paralysis. I begin to think I must have imagined whatever it was that had dragged me unwillingly from the inky depths and I try to turn back toward the blissful world of unconsciousness. I just want to sleeeeep...

“Hey, listen up. Yeah, I’m talking to you..."

"What the...?" That voice again! It keeps calling me... no, TAUNTING me!

While a full measure of lucidness is currently escaping me, I instinctively realize enough to become instantly terrified. I experience a fright-induced adrenaline surge through my bloodstream as it occurs to me, even in my currently foggy state, that I DON'T RECOGNIZE THAT VOICE!!!

I lay still with my eyes shut tight, trying not to move or change my breathing and alert the owner of that voice that I am awakening. Where am I? Have I been drugged?

"Had a few drinks? Maybe a few too many?"

THERE IT IS AGAIN! That voice. I take no comfort in the realization that it belongs to a female. I try to focus on my situation, but the excruciating headache pain that seems to be emanating from directly behind my eyeballs are making this incredibly difficult. I suppress the urge to audibly gasp when I experience what feels like lightning bolts tearing through my brain.  

I quiet my thoughts and try to concentrate on my situation. My body feels oddly contorted and I am overcome with extremely noxious odors. I try squinting through my eyelids but am guessing I must be blindfolded as I am enveloped in darkness.  Suddenly, water is flowing in my nose and mouth... *cough* *cough* I'M DROWNING!

"...Do yourself and everyone else a favor..."

So is THIS how it ends? Tortured and waterboarded by a strange female operative, then taken out when she extracts every state secret I possess?


"...Call a sober friend or a cab.”


I vault my body upwards, hitting the top of my skull on what feels like a hard porcelain sledgehammer. When the bells in my head stop ringing, I open my eyes to assess my real situation. I extricate the rest of my body from the urinal, and sheepishly head out the bathroom door. I wave to my favorite bartender as he wipes down the long, cedar bar top.

"I think you overserved me again Rando!," I mumbled, as I stumble out the saloon style doors at the Turtle Mountain Brewery in Rio Rancho. As I pedal my bike toward home, the female voice of the urinal cake calls out to me from my back pocket...

"..And don’t forget: Wash your hands!"

"I think me and her, we're gonna get along just fine!," thought I, as I pumped my bike pedals faster.


Did you know that the Michigan Office of Highway Safety to distribute talking urinal cakes to over 200 bars in an effort to combat drunk driving? Based on my unscientific pie chart of "Where Drunks Pee", they might have more success helping lonely guys, like our hero above.

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