Saturday, July 14, 2012

The First Snack President of the United Bakes of America

Hello again boys aaaaaaand girls. As I told CBS News earlier this week, what this country really needs from me is a good story. Now some people claim thaaaat... all I do is make shit up boys and girls. But I say "Jobs Schmobs", it's storytelling time again!

(NOTE: Dear Reader, I realize that the prior paragraph is heavily blogged down with links used as sourcing for the material used here as evidence in the possible future trial, DaBlade vs. The United Socialist States of Amerikka, and if you're like me, you usually ignore those links and move on. However, the last link above, "it's storytelling time again!" is worth a look. Seriously, this guy is good!!!)
So pull up your pillows, sit cross legged with your hands tucked under your chins, look dreamily into my eyes and I'll read you this story. It's titled...

 "Dreams of My Fodder"
 Once upon a time, there was a snack named Barry. He lived in the United Bakes of America, a land overfloweth with carbs and fiber. It was populated by legal imi-ingredients from all over the world's bakeries.

There were Crumpets of British origin, French Baguettes, Japanese Anpans, Flatbreads - leavened and unleavened - from places like Turkey, China and Pokystaan, just to name a few. More and more, there were also undocumented Tortilla recipes from Mexico. But mostly there were European white breads, boys and girls


"Haha! save some of that for the Bagels boys and girls!"

Now Barry was not only a snack, he was REALLY half a cracker, but Barry and his friends hated to acknowledge his cracker side. (Don’t Call It a Cracker: Wheat Thins Prefers to Be Billed as a Snack) Barry grew up and became the first snack president of the United Bakes. (Yaaaaah!)
"I'm skinny, but I'm tough!," Barry liked to say. "All the better to hold the cream cheese I'm gonna spread around to y'all. You'll eat so much free cheese, you won't help but to grow from the middle, out!" Barry promised free condiments (and condoms) to all the baked goods. As promised, spread the free cheese he did, but instead of the bread rising - something else happened boys and girls. (Ewwww!)
During his first term, things got worse and worse. Barry tried to explain that the blame belonged to the previous administration by saying that they drove the bakery truck into the ditch, and all the mean, nasty and rich chefs needed to stop hoarding all of their sugar and give it to him. (Yaaaaah!)

Now in this land there lived an evil, rich chef named Oven Mitt, and he wanted to take Barry's job. He said he wanted to undo all the good that Barry had begun! I think he really just hated snacks boys and girls! (Boooo!)

He told the tea and crumpet crowd that he believed the citizens of the United Bakes should provide for their own sandwich spreads. He also believed in the "Bread of Life", and that every bun in the oven deserved a chance at the dinner table. Can you believe THAT boys and girls?! He would take away your right to discard your unwanted dough in the trash before it has a chance to rise. (Boooo!) Knowing exactly when yeast becomes a golden brown and buttery dinner roll is above my pay grade - but when in doubt, throw it out I say, right boys and girls? (Yaaaaah!) Mitt is even against allowing marriage to be redefined by allowing same-sex fruitcakes to wed.

What do you care where the chopped, candied fruits put their nuts and spices sir!
During the campaign, Mitt showed up at the NAAPB (National Association of Pumpernickel Bread) to give a speech.
He stated that Barry's policies created "loafs" of bread instead of "loaves" of bread. They booed him when he promised to take back the free cheese, but they gave him a standing loav-ation at his close. Barry wondered if, come November, he would regret not going to this venue himself, but instead sending his VP Banana Nutbread Biden. I guess we will find out how "educable" the voting public is.


1 comment:

  1. FABULOUS POST! I love it!

    But I almost couldn't get past the "aaaaand"....nobody else seems to notice that Obama does that and it sends SHIVERS down my spine..."aaaaand" PTUI!!

    I LOVE FRUITCAKE...!!! (shhh!)