On Wednesday, November 5th, 2008, I blogged about spending the previous evening painstakingly whittling a boat from the old Willow that used to weep in my back yard. NOT coincidentally, this was the day after Barack Obama was elected president. I predicted that, as a result, this country would turn into a "barren and windswept" landscape, and I therefore needed a boat to flee the coming desolation. Unlike the Pilgrims, I horrifyingly discovered there was no place to run.
WTF! I just found out that the globe has ALREADY been circumnavigated! WHY DIDN'T SOMEBODY TELL ME THIS BEFORE NOW? Check it out on Google map if you don't believe me. Apparently, every land mass has been accounted for... So I have this shiny new boat, but no place to row to. Even this frozen wasteland I found on the map called "Canada" is already populated, at least according to wiki. I guess I have to give up the dream of finding a tiny uninhabited island, complete with sandy beaches, gentle tropic breezes, palm trees, coconuts, a bamboo hut, and a volleyball to keep me company. *sigh*
THEN THE IDEA STRUCK ME! If it doesn't exist now, why not build one?
Unfortunately the rest is history, as I was thwarted at every turn trying to construct my conservative oasis of Chattering Teeth Island. Instead, as regular readers of this blog know full well, I've spent the majority of the last three and a half years huddled up in my homemade walk-n kitchen pantry coverted panic room, with Cap'n Crunch as my only sustenance.
Two major developments have occured since my original prediction of this country as a "barren and windswept" landscape.
First, I completely underestimated The One's destructive powers.
Please be advised - Chattering Teeth is a thrilling, high speed, turbulent blog that includes sharp turns, sudden drops and stops. Please secure all hats, glasses, pocket protectors and loose change before embarking. For your safety, please keep your arms and legs within the blog at all times until it comes to a complete stop. In the unlikely event it becomes necessary for this blog to make a water landing, your seat cushion may function as a floatation device.
If you are a democrat, please refer to placards for a graphic demonstration on how to engage a seat belt. We know this advanced technology can be frightening at first, especially if you're no Thomas Einstein. Please seek the help of a Republican if you entangle yourself. Enjoy the ride!!!