Saturday, July 7, 2012

Island Pursuits, Part Deux

On Wednesday, November 5th, 2008, I blogged about spending the previous evening painstakingly whittling a boat from the old Willow that used to weep in my back yard. NOT coincidentally, this was the day after Barack Obama was elected president. I predicted that, as a result, this country would turn into a "barren and windswept" landscape, and I therefore needed a boat to flee the coming desolation. Unlike the Pilgrims, I horrifyingly discovered there was no place to run.

WTF! I just found out that the globe has ALREADY been circumnavigated! WHY DIDN'T SOMEBODY TELL ME THIS BEFORE NOW? Check it out on Google map if you don't believe me. Apparently, every land mass has been accounted for... So I have this shiny new boat, but no place to row to. Even this frozen wasteland I found on the map called "Canada" is already populated, at least according to wiki. I guess I have to give up the dream of finding a tiny uninhabited island, complete with sandy beaches, gentle tropic breezes, palm trees, coconuts, a bamboo hut, and a volleyball to keep me company. *sigh*

THEN THE IDEA STRUCK ME! If it doesn't exist now, why not build one?

Unfortunately the rest is history, as I was thwarted at every turn trying to construct my conservative oasis of Chattering Teeth Island. Instead, as regular readers of this blog know full well, I've spent the majority of the last three and a half years huddled up in my homemade walk-n kitchen pantry coverted panic room, with Cap'n Crunch as my only sustenance.

Two major developments have occured since my original prediction of this country as a "barren and windswept" landscape.

First, I completely underestimated The One's destructive powers.

And "B", I may have finally found my island!!!

THANK YOU Army Corps of Engineers! Let me know when it's move in ready!


  1. Chattering Teeth it!
    If it's all conservative, let me know...I'll come and cook! And be QUEEN, if that's available. Well...or Queen Lady in Waiting?!

    you're hilarious!

  2. Z, the post is all yours! You didn't get the benefit of my Facebook preamble, so I include it here...

    Now taking applications for citizenship to my Island. Full disclosure, there will be no wealth redistribution, union thuggery, deficit entitlement spending, nor made-up rights to murder your baby. You will have to work for your coconuts. And as your fearless leader, I will not bow down to Saudi princes or communist despots.