Friday, November 16, 2012

Read my blog then give me a dollar.

If you are looking to make a heist and conclude that your best financial option is knocking off the local Dollar Store (not once, but TWICE!) to double your standard of living... you just might be from Flint.

Yes, I know this story tag says "GRAND BLANC TOWNSHIP", but we all know this suburb is where the rich people who can afford to shop at Dollar Stores live.
A 28-year-old man is accused of robbing a Dollar General store on Fenton Road two times in less than a month. (He) was arrested Wednesday and is now charged with two counts of armed robbery.
How poor (or high) do you have to be to think this is a good idea? In the risk/reward equation, did his public school teacher forget to show him how to "carry the one"? Seriously, what must have been going through his mind?

"A Dollar Store must be where they keep dollars, and crack costs dollars..."

If you drive by the local Dollar Store staring enviously at all the Dollar shoppers with their bags full of candles, knick-knacks and cheap toiletries, and thinking to yourself "look at all those rich people"... you just might be a Flintstone.

Sadly for him, he was busted after his SECOND Dollar robbery in "less than a month". I know what you're thinking... A buck just doesn't stretch as far as it used to.

If this heist is ever made into a major motion picture, I'd want Will Ferrell as lead actor playing our pathetic anti-hero for two reasons. One, it would give him an opportunity to make up for the hideously unfunny Semi-Pro, his first movie about a Flintoid that nobody has actually watched. And "B". I think this could really be funny!

The article states that the suspect was brandishing a "semi-automatic". Well, keeping in mind that this is a Dollar store (on second thought, give me Jim Carrey for this role)... THIS is a semi-automatic.

Lady, this is a holdup! Give me a Sawbuck from the register or I will strike you repeatedly about your face and upper torso with this small rubber ball in staccato fashion ... or at least once, and sometimes twice in a row before my paddle misses and I mistakenly strike myself in the forehead... Or the rubber band comes loose from the staple... DANGGIT! WHY IS IT SO HARD?

Thankfully, the cashier lady (I want to say her name is Penny, though the story doesn't specify) cooperated with the suspect and gave him a dollar, so no flying rubber balls or nerf darts were actually fired in the store, and the suspect fled.  According to the story, evidence tied him to both crimes and he was later arrested at his home nearby.

What evidence? A trail of artificial flower petals or assorted Jujubes leading to the front door of his apartment? OK, again the story leaves the details to my imagination, so I may be on target with the movie script that has the Dollar Store parking lot cordoned off with yellow police tape as a team of forensic specialists in lab coats are dusting the impulse purchases in the checkout aisle for fingerprints and other clues.

The end of the story has our hero roughed, cuffed and jailed. A warm cot and 3 squares at taxpayer expense. It would have been cheaper just financing wis bi-weekly withdrawls.

Visit your local Dollar store today! Aisles filled with a veritable treasure trove of knick-knacks, patty-whacks and flip flops. Cash registers filled with a bountiful boquet of crumpled green Washingtons.

There, but a "$buck fitty", go I.

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