Chattering Teeth News - The New York Giants are at the bottom of the NFC East with a 1-5 record but that may be about to change. Rumor has it that 70-year-old Hillary Clinton will be the Giants new field goal kicker.
Hillary said she broke her toe after apparently running down the stairs in heels and falling backward while dodging imaginary sniper fire. The broken bone was routinely set, but required a boot brace to keep the gnarled & hairy digit in place with the railroad spike pin. The problem was that none of the standard boot braces would fit over the triceratops-like cankle of the former first lady.
That's where an emergency team at NASA came in. The 3am call came in, and they worked tirelessly through the night using cutting edge technology and spare shuttle parts to craft a space-age boot brace worthy for Hillary. A Black Hawk helicopter delivered the hardware to a waiting trauma team, and the boot brace was successfully installed.
Hillary quickly discovered her newfound raw kicking talent by accident, as the first 'pig skin' she launched was actually her husband Bill through her hospital room window after she caught him oogling a chunky female candy striper. Bill was estimated to have travelled 50 yards into the parking lot and was witnessed by NY Giant's coach, Ben McAdoo. Hillary finally agreed to the coach's pleadings for her to come to the practice field the next day, but only after McAdoo promised to buy a copy of her new book, What Happened.
What happened, indeed. The next morning, Hillary started launching 40-yard 'warm-up' field goals, knocking balls through the uprights just as quickly as Eric the holder could set them in front of her. The rest of the team stood on the sidelines in awe to watch this combnation of cankle and heat shield power. The ball was moved further and further away until Hillary was actually kicking 110-yard field goals from the opposite goal line.
Coach McAdoo says the team started using a nickname for her - 'Carpetbagger' Clinton - because of her proclivity for hitting field goals from anywhere on the 100-yard long carpet. Hillary assumed the term was meant as a pejorative and that the team didn't accept her as a true New Yorker. In fact, after the ball boy cheered, "WAY TO GO CARPETBAGGER!" in response to another 3-pointer, his body was later found in Fort Marcy Park.
Good luck to Mrs Clinton, as she has been named the starting kicker for this Sunday's matchup against the visiting Seattle Seahawks.
Let's hope this sports stint goes better than when Hillary worked as the NY Yankee's closer for a short time in 2009 after she had surgery to repair a fractured right elbow. (one of the earliest recorded injuries from dodging imaginary sniper fire)
She was throwing the heat in excess of 100-mph and striking out batters. The problem was the Yankee's vertical pinstriped uniforms, and their propensity to make the wearer appear even heavier. Once Hillary donned these pinstripes on her already-massive thighs, the rest of the team became violently ill and she was summarily released.
Back in 2012 Clinton fell again, narrowly avoiding that imaginary Bosnian hitman, but hitting her head and sustained a concussion. Medication dissolved whatever xrays were able to pick up inside her skull, and resulted in Obama's foreign policy. It's all in her new book, soooo...