Friday, December 29, 2017
The True Story of Melania and the White House Magnolia Tree
MELANIA TRUMP ORDERS REMOVAL OF NEAR-200-YEAR-OLD TREE FROM WHITE HOUSE
What's a progressive mind to make of that? Melania must really hate old, historic trees! What could she possible have against an old growth Magnolia tree reportedly planted by none other than Andrew Jackson - a tree that has provided shade to countless visitors, and a safe haven and sanctuary for generations of squirrels and birds?
A tree that has witnessed so much important history. From the growing pains of a nation through the Civil War, both world wars, Elvis visiting Nixon, and the Obama girls (Sachal & Malace?) climbing its boughs to hide from their parents in order to smoke weed. And now the tree is all gone! Ripped from the ground root and stem and sold for parts like so much unwanted tissue mass from the womb of a democrat women at Planned Parenthood.
*Lip Quiver* Wh... wh... wh... whyyyyy!?
Fake news! Of course, the main stream haters will never tell you the true story of love behind the felling of this once-majestic tree. But that's why you come here, isn't that so my dear Theophilus?
So pull up the nearest stump and make yourself comfortable - for I am about to tell you the true story of a certain White House tree. I call this tale...
THE GIFT OF THE MAGNOLIA
[DISCLAIMER: Any similarity between this story and the short story written by O. Henry in 1905 titled, The Gift of the Magi - the tale with a Christmas twist involving a good wife who sold her hair for money to buy her husband a chain for his pocket watch, a watch he sold for money to buy her a set of fancy hair combs - is strictly coincidental.]
There once was a historic 200-year-old tree growing on the south lawn, and it was yuuuuuge! Believe me.
Melania daydreamed as she stared at the tree out the White House window. Christmas was almost upon them. This would be their first Christmas spent in the White House and she wanted it to be special. But what could she give her husband for Christmas that he didn't already have? Maybe a set of fancy hair combs?
She continued to ponder this as she gazed at the wizened tree with it's gnarled branches held on to the trunk with a precarious series of pulleys and cabling. It was a wonder the old tree was still standing, and it had now become an actual safety hazard as it could fall over with the next slightest breeze.
The tree had survived the last 200 years of administrations, but not for much longer after supporting Mooshell's girth when she climbed after her girls during the last one. "That is one ugly tree," thought Melania. "I really can't stand that tree. Just think of the wonderful natural light we could have in this wing if only that tree were removed."
Donald watched his beautiful wife from the doorway, careful not to alert her to his presence. He noticed her staring at the large tree outside the window. She seemed to stare at the tree an awful lot lately. "She must really like that tree," thought the president. "That gives me a great gift idea!"
Suddenly Melania whirled from the window with the perfect gift idea that struck her like a lightening bolt.
LATER THAT CHRISTMAS EVE NIGHT...
**the sound of a chainsaw firing up from somewhere on the grounds does not seem to catch the attention of the crack squad of Secret Service agents posting guard duty that night, as their earbuds tuned to their favorite spotify playlists muffled the whining roar of the chainsaw...
CHRISTMAS MORNING, 2017
At 7 o'clock the coffee was made... Melania stood in the doorway of the Oval Office, her nightgown covered in a fine layer of sawdust. "Here is you Christmas present darling!," said Melania, as she handed her husband his gift. Donald quickly tore off the wrappings to expose a brand new set of golf club woods.
"Do you like them?," she inquired. "The club heads are made from the wood of that nasty old tree that was in the yard until last night. I sawed that bastard down and stayed up all night whittling these for you."
Donald plopped down hard in his easychair, a look of shock on his face. "You've cut the tree?" asked Donald. "You've cut the tree!"
Out of his trance Donald seemed quickly to wake. "if you'll unwrap that package you may see why you had me going a while at first. I sold my golf bag in order to buy this for you..."
White fingers and nimble tore at the string and paper. And then an ecstatic scream of joy; and then, alas! a quick feminine change to hysterical tears and wails... "Why, it's a bench! Like those you see sitting under the large Linden trees in my homeland of Slovenia!"
How thoughtful! This would have been perfect sitting under that old Magnolia tree I removed to make your golf clubs."
"And these golf clubs would have have fit perfectly in my old golf bag - the one I sold in order to buy this bench for you," said Donald.
"But we're filthy rich," said Melania. "You didn't need to sell your golf bag!"
"Oh well. One less tree though! Merry Christmas, dear!"