Sunday, December 31, 2017

2018 Blog New Year's Resolutions

What a difference a year makes, eh? ISIS is all but destroyed. No more Muslim Brotherhood toga parties at the White House. No more late night choom smoke wafting from the shaded corners of the White House South Lawn portico while the world was on fire. Ahhhh! Freedom!

As I scan the list of last year's 2017 Blog New Year's Resolutions, I am reminded of my juvenile and immature self from a full year ago. How naive and unsophisticated I was way back then! Were my puerile blog posts really that sophomoronic and Jejune? Was I so insecure and lubricious 12 months ago that I felt the need to use thesaurus dot com as a sort of crutch  to hide my indolence?

Well no more, misters and misseses! From now on, its full on blog stream of consciousness.

I've decided that my 2018 resolutions will be more about some guiding principles than an actual "to do" list. Some of these proverbs, idioms and mottos may seem familiar, but I've molded and improved them to fit my sedentary and reclusive lifestyle. I hope you find them utilitarian.

*Conceive it. Believe it. Achieve it. Take a selfie of me with it.

*Endeavor to persevere. Unless you're binge-watching Yule Log on Netflix.

*The squeaky wheel gets the grease, but never give a new rotor to a crying infant and expect a competent brake installation.

*Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but imitating flatulence can be considered cultural appropriation.

*Work hard and be kind and humble to others. Once enough wealth is acquired, kick those f*&kers to the curb.

*Never put off till tomorrow what... Never mind, the hockey game's on. I'll tell ya later.

*Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Unless you are a pessimistic masochist.

*The Truth shall set you free, but not as surely as a San Francisco jury.

*a friend in need is a friend indeed. Unless said 'friend' is the Friend of the Court, in which case the friend in need may require your Quit Claim Deed.

*Above all to thine own self be true. Just not on your Facebook homepage.

*To catch rabbits, Hide behind a bush and do carrot calls. You may not catch a rabbit, but... hey, look! A butterfly!

* (Ed's fav from last year) I resolve to live by this creed: Discretion may be the better part of valor, but a manly plush bathrobe is the better part of velour.

*Obviously as a grown a$$ed man, my preferred gender pronouns are 'he', 'him', and 'his', as I am not mentally ill. However, I do suffer from Subordinating Conjunction dysphoria, and therefore my adverb preference is 'nevertheless'.

*Helen Keller once signed, "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." Or was that Koko the talking gorilla? Then who signed, "Frown, cry, frown, sad" when their pet cat died? I always get those two mixed up.

*I believe it was Socrates who said... "You say goodbye and I say hello. Hello, hello. I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello. Hello, hello. I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello." And then he was immediately administered hemlock for this heresy. I think. Then again, you should trust my wisdom implicitly because if it can be said that anybody doesn't know anything for sure, it's me! (There. unravel that word-riddle in your free time, whydon'tcha).

*I believe it was the Greek philosopher PlayDoh who said... "Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. And if it doesn't fit, you better hope it didn't come from Wal Mart. Have you ever been through their returns line? Not the best dental plan I'll tell ya".

Cheers, everybody! Happy New Year! Have a safe celebration, and remember that tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Let's fill it with fake news!


  1. I knew it. Your post proves the Beatles plagiarized Socrates, who was best known for the phrase: "What, me worry?.

    I'm trying to continue my resolution of not being so apathetic this year, but I'm finding I really don't care.

  2. Jess, yes. In fact, Abbey Road is replete with outtakes from The Socratic Dialogues with Alfred E Neuman. As for your action plan against apathy - just take it day by day. Like an octopus' garden in the shade.

    As for me, I find I don't have a healthy fear of the unknown. And that's what has me worried.

  3. I resolve to stop laughing so hard when I read your blog.
    The other drivers think I'm nuts, and it's hard enough to see through the snowy windshield without the tears rolling out of my eyes.

  4. Ha! Made you laugh! But wait... You're reading while driving? I've heard of blog rolls but hopefully you have a blog roll bar. Now keep one eye on the road :)

  5. Sometimes I have a good wit but I didn't bring it with me today. Therefore, I shall just take your advice to heart and wish everyone here A Very Happy, Healthy, and Merciful New Year !

    I don't do resolutions the same way we don't do Christmas gifts. If we need something we buy it. Within reason of course.

  6. Happy New Year, Kid. The winning shall continue!

  7. A VERY Happy New Year to you and yours, Jerry!
    And thanks for the pratfall at my place !!
    XXX Z