Tuesday, June 4, 2019

So you really think you can be anything you want to be because you are entitled or something?

I've heard it said that this crop of 20 to 30-somethings were the first generation to have their evil parents tell them they were special. I don't buy that. But maybe they are the first generation where their teacher gave them an 'A' and the coach gave them a trophy just for showing up.

Pop Quiz: Question 1 - Who first said this?
You can have anything you want -
if you want it badly enough.
You can be anything you want to be,
do anything you set out to accomplish
if you hold to that desire with singleness of purpose.

Hint: It isn't Hillary Clinton...

A) Bill Gates

B) That children's show actor who thought he was a climatologist

c) That grown a$$ man who identified as a little girl

D) Abraham Lincoln

The answer, of course, is 'D'. Abraham Lincoln. Honest Abe. Lincoln, the second greatest President just a tad behind our current great, President Donald J Trump.

If you jumped into a time travel phone booth and was transported back to the 1990s and asked a bunch of elementary kids what they wanted to be when they grew up - most would almost certainly say they wanted to be Marine Biologists or an Astronaut. Oh sure, there would be the occasional weirdo who might state they wanted to some day be a pilot of an official Oscar Mayer Wienermobile, but that's just crazy talk. What are the odds of that?

The problem with the above answers, children, has to do with something called 'market forces' and 'supply and demand'. 

Let's look at the numbers. Per the US Census Bureau, the estimated number of U.S. millennials in 2015 was 83.1 million. There are only approximately 8,520 Marine Biologists, and there has never been more than 150 astronauts at any given time. Looks like a few disappointed Johnnys and Sallys.

Oh yah? Well at least they can always be an Oscar Mayer Weinermobile pilot, right?.... Not so fast.

Many university grads saying 'I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Wiener'

The number of applications to become “hotdoggers” has shot up to 7,000 in 2019, ... Oscar Mayer has a tradition dating back to 1988 where six Wienermobiles tour the U.S. and Canada throughout the year promoting the brand name processed meats, usually in crews of two — one male and one female — commandeering the giant-size fiberglass wiener vehicles... Lottery-winning candidates who get hired by Oscar Mayer go through two weeks of Hot Dog High, where they learn about the company and get driver training so they can adeptly steer the Wienermobile.

What? You mean there are no more than 12 “hotdoggers" (6 Pilots for the Wienermobiles and 6 Commander positions inside the giant-size fiberglass wiener vehicles) at an given time?

In conclusion, maybe the weiner-wannas should be more practicle while pursuing the Hot Dog High. A job that is in high demand and produces a product that flys off the shelves... say, a line worker at a trophy manufacturer? Or maybe a hot dog vendor at the local The Home Depot?

Speaking of which, here are some critically acclaimed clips from my interview with just such a vendor a few years back who clearly wasted her money getting loans to go to Hot Dog High...

The wife and I stopped by the local Home Depot after church yesterday to buy a power washer, deck stain and assorted rollers and accessories. Apparently, my wife believes that Memorial Day weekend is meant to be spent in hard labor around the homestead. I reminded her that the day is set aside to remember those who gave the ultimate sacrifice for our freedoms, and "how am I supposed to do that while working?" She reminded me that weekends squandered in leisure is not considered an 'ultimate sacrifice', and to "quit yer whining!"

So there I was, pushing the cart of goodies toward the exit just past the hot dog vendor. The misses must have been feeling some fraction of guilt for the lash marks on my back, as she nodded at the hot dog vendor while telling me, "go ahead".

The peddler and purveyor of these plump and prodigious redhots was a young female working alone. Apparently, she was expected to multitask as the chef AND the cashier. I placed my order for a hot dog.

I should have known she was not fully trained when she asked, "What kind? A regular hot dog or a Vienna?"

I was momentarily confused and felt slight vertigo by her question, and wondered if I mistakenly used my fake French accent when placing my order - thereby throwing her off and eliciting her question. I shook off my momentary fugue, and answered in my very best Flint accent, "Vienna, daaaaang girl!"

While she was 'preparing' my post-Home Depot feast, I engaged her in a palaver of verbal confabulation for my own amusement. "I'm sure you are aware, madame - as you are in the business so to speak - that Merriam-Webster just recently declared by decree that the hot dog shall henceforth be considered a sandwich. How does this make you feel?"

She giggled and said she had not heard this and she didn't care one way or the other.

I searched her eyes and face for tics or other tells that might suggest a lack of veracity or that she might somehow be involved in this conspiracy. Finding none, I determined that she really hadn't read or heard about this frankfurter travesty of justice. This immediately enraged me. How can Home Depot enlist a hot dog vendor who doesn't keep up on the very latest hot dog news!?

Calling a hot dog a sandwich? You might as well say the Earth is flat! or that anthropogenic Global Warming is a thing!

I slathered a healthy portion of mustard and onions on my vienna and stormed through the exit, mumbling unintellibles all the way to the car.


So in conclusion, a hot dog may be a sandwich, but it will never be a sammich!



  1. That, of course is the final exam for Hot Dog High.
    Is the venerable Hot Dog a sandwich?

  2. Dang, I was going to guess Barry Hussien Soetoro.... But I guess it needed to say you can be anything as long as you've been born in Kenya.

    Well, 7000 Wiener (or is that wayner) Driver Dreamers? Heck at least they're willing to work. But hell a new acronym to learn now - WDDs. And who's gonna update Wikipedia for that?

    Wonder how it's working out for that grown a$$ man? Or better yet for the idiots that took him in. Have they bought him a training bra yet? Had the talk about menstration? Told him No Dating until he is 17? Wonder if he's gotten a tramp stamp yet... So many questions that I don't really want the answers to.

  3. Ed, yes and this was my thesis. While I didn't get the job as weiner commander, I still feel my $80,000 student loan debt was well worth it. I continue to work on my craft every trip to home depot.

    Kid, these are all excellent questions you pose. I would add one. Could his 55 year old body run to be the democrat nominee in 2020, or would his internal little girl be in violation of Article II requiring at least 35 years of age?

  4. Heck, if a guy form Kenya can run, why not.

    obamm admits he is from Kenya which means that is where he was born. and his mom didn't qualify to make him a citizen.


  5. How many watts is that blaster Abe is holding?

  6. Another thought. If that old guy little girl is in California, I'll be the 'parents' are getting foster money from the state.