Wednesday, April 22, 2015

The Spherical Earth Day Theory

Happy Earth Day from here in mid Michigan, where we are expecting the temperature to reach a "high" of 42 degrees. The historical data reflects an average high to reach 60 degrees around these parts on this date. THAT'S AN EIGHTEEN DEGREE DECREASE! CLIMATE CHANGE IS HERE!! I plotted this on an XY line graph and was SHOCKED to discover that Swartz Creek Michigan will be 180 DEGREES COLDER IN JUST 10 YEARS!!

That is, unless we act fast by taking these steps!
1) Abolish the IRS - dismantle the tax code and replace with a fair, flat tax.
2) Restore the Constitution of the United States.
3) Throw Obama in an alligator pit.

Fat chance on the first two, but there is still a small chance for number three. In fact, the only way I would ever go to an obama speech is if he were delivering it from within a pen of live and hungry alligators.

President Obama marks Earth Day on Wednesday by traveling to the Florida Everglades to promote his climate change agenda.

The speech highlights a week actions devoted to climate change, built around the celebration of Earth Day *Blah *Blah *blah...

Here is an excerpt of today's speech at Everglades National Park:

OBAMA: Fun fact. Many baby alligators never make it to adulthood, as their elders eat them. In fact, young gators are a perfect bite to eat for large gator adults. Studies show that between 6 percent and 7 percent of juvenile gators become dinner. This practice helps control the cold-blooded reptile population and to keep the swamp pristine. I know if my daughters made a mistake, I wouldn't want them punished with a baby gator.

*CHOMP* Hey! uhhhh.... Let go my leg!

Chattering Teeth Earth Day celebrations from years past (with my fav clips)

What is this "Earth Day"?

Many worshippers of Earth Day apparently pray to a deity figure called Gaia, or Mother Earth. I'm not sure if she is a drug-induced hallucination, a bit of undigested potatoe, or Al Gore in drag. But in any case, all I can say is, "Gaia, you go girl"! From The greenwoman:
Gaia is our earth mother, who nourishes, heals, and teaches us. At The Gaia School we believe that our teacher is the earth itself. Through developing a deeper connection to the earth we heal ourselves- mind, body, and soul. Gaia is our guide, her spirit supporting us through our life walk. Her hands- the trees, plants, and animals, all her many voices here to teach and guide us back to wholeness. We work with the spirits of Gaia to find our way back to union with her and all of life.

How to Celebrate Earth Day for the Uninitiated (and Feel wholly anthropocentrically cleansed)

DISCLAIMER: Garbage is defined as any discarded item thrown out by a capitalist, including but not limited to worn or broken household items, leftover packaging, uneaten non-vegan foodstuffs, or other items resulting from capitalist consumption. Garbage DOES NOT include Earf-friendly items such as dirty drug needles, spent roaches, stacks of discarded and bloodied unwanted fetuses with severed spines, etc., and also the following: Any item purchased with any form of government transfer payment, including but not limited to Social Security, welfare, food stamps, unemployment compensation, etc.  


  1. I have chosen to celebrate Earth Day by staying on earth and not going to another planet today ;)

  2. I had my fingers crossed that a gator would eat Turd Boy during the visit. But then I remembered that unfortunately they don't poo.

  3. cube, does your home planet also suffer from anthropogenic global stupidity, or is Erf the only planet with these barnacle-like progressives?

    Sparky, The problem is that the gators saw obama for what he is... just skin and bone, smoked and bitter.

  4. Planet Erf is blue, and there's nothing I can do...

    I'm checking the interstellar ads to see if I can find a planet with a less progressive liberal agenda for vacay next year.

  5. cube...that cracks me up! If you find that planet, let us KNOW!

    Jerry....great post.

  6. Z: I'm still looking... I'll let you know if I find one with choregs ;)