Sunday, January 3, 2010

Lord of the Cheese Danish - and other terrorist tales

Today's blog inspired by this headline:
"Danish police arrest man trying to kill cartoonist"

For some reason I found humor in the rearranging this headline to read:

Cartoonist Police Arrest Danish Trying To Kill Man

Dear Cheese Danish, you have the right to remain delicious. Any calories you have in your flaky crust or creamy center can and will be used against me in a pair of pants. You have the right to a French Chef. If you cannot afford a French Chef, one will be pompously thrust upon you. Do you understand this recipe as it has been read to you?

After mildly amusing myself with this, I then contemplated the actual story. Let me see if I have this straight. A cartoonist draws a picture of some arab dude with a bomb in his bonnet, implying that a certain religious wing of fanatics are malignant and evil killers ~ one of these fanatics gets his bun in a knot from the bomb in the bonnet, so he tries to kill the messenger?

The man draws the attention of the evil eye of islamofacists with a simple cartoon. I wonder why we'll never see this headline:

Man Attacks Garry Trudeau Over Recent Anti-Christian Doonesbury Strip.

The evil eye of islamofacists reminds me of The Eye of Sauron, from The Lord of the Rings fame (how's that for today's segue?)

I was an instant fan of The Lord of the Rings from the time I first opened and read The Hobbit when I was a teenager in the 70's. What's not to love? It has a little of everything... There are the good guys ~ Little people with furry feet who live underground and like to drink ale... dragons, elves, dwarves and wizards.

Then there are the bad guys. There is Gollum, and the evil one crept up and slipped away with her, her, her....yeah. Oops! Didn't mean to Ramble On.

Then there are those goblin thingys... what are they called? Think grotesque and dim-witted creature riding the back of a Warg... No, not Barney Frank. His page boy looks nothing like a Warg. Ba-dum-bum. Please focus. Hmmm.

Orcs! That's it!

Anyway, where was I? Oh yah, LOTR. Apparently there are religious themes in J. R. R. Tolkien's epic trilogy, and he once stated that it is "a fundamentally religious and Catholic work."

I guess that's just a bonus, 'cuz I just love it for the adventure stuff. Had Tolkien been overtly preachy, I might not have read the books. But then again, how cool would Gandalf The Pope be? He could trade in the bubbled Popemobile for a large, white "Meara" stallion named Shadowfax, and hypothetically speaking, any crazy women who vaulted over a barrier in an attempt to knock him down would get a cracked skull from the business end of his staff.

But I digress.

So what we have so far is this: Tolkien used symbolism in his story to convey the spiritual aspects of Christianity. The reader is drawn into and engrossed by his world of Middle Earth, actively rooting for the protagonist and subliminally adopting his cause.

Voila! Instant Christians!

Which got me to thinking about Osama Bin Laden and his pathetic little scout troop of al-qaeda Wargs. There he is, the so-called leader of his religious movement, hiding out in some unmarked cave while his operatives run around with firecrackers in their panties. Really? Ewwwww, scary! I gotta say, this doesn't really inspire folks to your twisted cause.

That's not to say that the blind and impotent islamofacist doesn't occasionally find a real nut in his undies and get lucky by hitting us. What I am saying is that by making this a war of attrition, they will be buried under in cave rubbel by a Crusade that will make the last one seem like a pillow fight.

Not that I want to help him, but what Osama really needs (aside from a warm shower, delousing, shave and a haircut, and a good kidney) is a good publicist ~ or better yet, a storyteller of the quality of Tolkien. Through the magic of entertaining fiction, maybe Osama could draw unsuspecting people to his cause.

It might start out with something like this:

In a hole in a mountain in Pakistan there lived Osama. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was an islamofacist hole, and that means comfort.

See? You the reader are already hooked and want to know more, am I right?

Remember in Tolkien's masterpiece, the evil Sauron bred immense armies of orcs, torturing elves to create them. Maybe Osama could replace "Sauron" with "George Bush", and that his torturing of innocent muslim minutemen at Guantanemo only created more...

Nah! The liberals in America along with president Obama have already told that fictional story.

OK, time for the second paragraph (and as it turns out, the story's conclusion...)

One day, Osama is enjoying a pipe outside his cave door when an old man with a long cloak and a staff arrives... nope. I'm wrong... it's a missile fired by a Predator overhead.



  1. of course the ROP tried to murder out of character for them..NOT!

  2. If these cartoonists would just understand that Islam is the religion of peace, they would stop drawing the cartoons and the Islamists wouldn't have to kill them.

    See, it's all the fault of the cartoonists.