Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Home Improvement WeakyLeaks for those do-it-yourselfers

The title of this post is in no way to make light of the sensitive data dump by that sissified effeminate waif, Julian Assmassage (or whatever his name is) that is being hailed by anarchists, pimply-faced parent's basement-dwelling dweebs, and secretly applauded by Obama and his administration (sorry for the repetitive redundancy). It's just that I've been tied up with my own "data dump" of trying to jam 3,200 square feet of accumulated necessities into half the space and haven't had time to sufficiently demonstrate my bloggiliciousness to my demanding fans (much to Interpol's chagrin).

That said, I have "leaked" some critical information from my undisclosed location to my Facebook friends over this past week and would be derelict in my webitudinal duties if I didn't at least share some of this with you before access is cut or I lose my blogahaulic's license. So without further delay... if anyone asks, you didn't hear the following from me:

DaBlade's Home Improvement WeakyLeaks for those do-it-yourselfers
1) The 4" dryer ductwork pieces found at Home Depot do not fit together as advertised without a substantial amount of blood loss, especially when working with over-sized hands in enclosed basement rafters. The crimped end of said pieces (made from extremely sharp-edged aluminum as it turns out) gives the illusion of a quick and painless job under the bright store fluorescents, but do not be fooled. It would seem to me that a country that could produce engineers bright enough to stage the Apollo moonlandings on top secret and state-of-the-art movie sets over one hundred years ago could make duct pieces that easily slide together. Thank God for duct tape! Not that the enclosed space allowed me to wrap and secure the seam between the two pieces of duct (each with exactly matching circumferences down to the atomic level). But the duct tape did serve to secure my impromptu tourniquet before I lost consciousness.

2) When caulking bathtubs, kitchen sinks and countertops, it is imperative that you accurately estimate the amount of caulk needed, then multiply this by a factor of three. I did not do this and ended up running out and having to make an additional trip to Home Depot as I failed to consider that some of the caulk would not end up smeared all over my entire body. The good news is that I am guaranteed not to leak, shrink or crack for the next ten years.

3) A two-car garage can be very handy here in Michigan, especially with winter fast approaching. I know I'll be content with the knowledge that the several hundred boxes of miscellaneous household wares that currently occupy every square inch of garage space (and probably will until next summer) is high and dry, as I scrape the ice from the windshields parked in the drive in sub-zero temperatures.

That's all the time I have for now. Believe me, there are many more home improvement stories, and I may share some along the way - though it's tough to blog in traction. In the meantime, I am reposting below a short "change of email address" notification I recently sent out. I fear I may have missed some of you, so please take copious notes.

Dear Friend,
I have a new email address. I am not bragging. Nor am I complaining. I am simply informing. It requires no action on your part. You may simply click "delete" and this will go away. You never have to think about it again. Or, you could take 10 seconds and update your address book. Up to you. It's still a semi-free country... unless your flying somewhere. Did you know that almost half of us use either Outlook or Outlook Express for their email? I'm an Outlook Express guy at home. (I have a brother that uses Eudora. Would you be surprised to learn that so do 10% of you?) I also have a few web-based email addresses, but I synched those up so they get downloaded by my Outlook Express. Besides, my free web-based email addresses and the two other domain-related email addresses I have are not changing. However, if you try to send me an email some day at the Charter address, one of two things will happen. You will receive a bounce-back error message of some sort stating that the email address is no longer in service. The other possibility is that someone else will have claimed that email address and they will receive your correspondence that was meant for me. They may become confused and wonder who you are and how it is that they owe you money. Of the two possibilities above, I think it most likely that you will receive an error message that the address is no longer valid. I mean, I would suspect that the universe of folks who would be interested in possessing my old Charter email address is limited to the number of "Jerry Carlsons" in the population. Not "Gerry" or "Jeri"... not even "Gerald", though that is my legal name. I can't imagine a "Robert Hughes" in Portland, Oregon, for example, being interested in acquiring my old email address. Unless "Jerry Carlson" is his nickname, and what are the odds of that? Not surprisingly, I was able to retain the "jerrycarlson" portion of my email address that appears in front of the "@" sign, and only change the domain from "" to "". Easy, right? If that address wasn't available, my next choice was going to be "roberthughes @". That may have been tougher to remember for some of you. Of course, that may have been advantageous, right? You'd be like: "I WOULD have invited you to the party, Jerry, but I just couldn't remember that email address"... and I'd be like, "Quit being a smart@$$! I'm sure I sent you an email informing you that I was changing my email address!" Thankfully, we don't need to have that uncomfortable verbal altercation in the future because I didn't have to go with the "roberthughes" address thingy. However, if we do have that spat in the future over something else entirely, let me just apologize in advance. I just don't know what is going to come over me to cause me to act that way! Anyways, I am sending this short little announcement out to those individuals in my address book who have ever sent me an email at some point in the last decade... even that wealthy Nigerian businessman who continues to need help moving his vast fortune from his homeland and has been willing to fork over a few million to anyone who could help him. Sorry I couldn't help dude... I've been really busy. But don't ever give up your dream, sir! "Believe and you can achieve!," I say. In fact, whenever I am having a bad day and feeling sorry for myself, I just think of this poor foreign fella who can't find a ride over here because he doesn't have enough luggage to fit all of his gold bars, or something. So in conclusion, there is something I've been wanting to tell you and I just couldn't gather the courage... until now... here goes... "I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, and on a slitted sheet I sit." There. Feels good getting that off my chest. Hope you all had a fantastic Thanksgiving with family and friends, and may you have a Blessed Christmas season!" Oh, I almost forgot... my new email address is jerrycarlson at comcast dot net
...and that's all I got to say about that.


In all seriousness, I owe many thanks for the help and well-wishes for the support I have received over the course of this very trying year. First and foremost, my wife, who has kept her sense of humor through all of my mood swings and has repeatedly reminded me of what is really important. Mega-thanks to my brother and sister-in-law, Bernie and Kristi for you know what. I can't EVER repay you. Just kidding, I'll repay you, but you know what I mean. Thanks also to my in-laws for their love and support (and use of their one-ton truck). Thanks to Cousin John for use of the 12-foot enclosed trailer, and to my cousin - the good dr. hirkimer - for use of his heavy-duty dolly (and also that large wheeled cart used for moving things). Thank you brother Snap for moving that refridgerator the day before Thanksgiving (among other things). Thanks to Pic Pic, for teaching me many years ago that no home improvement project was complete without the multi-versatile drywall mud compound (turns out that when it dries on wounds after they've sufficiently clotted - it acts as a very adequate new skin product). Thanks to all my Flint Journal and Sheboygan Press friends, and to you - my blog readers, who allow me to stretch my funnybone on occasion.

I gotta go. Seems there is a curtain rod that needs wrestling.

1 comment:

  1. Boy, that sure brings up a lot of memories- the carpet laying job that taught us to "bleed with dignity", the drywall job with the screws that we couldn't stop from going completely through the slats, of course our carpentry skills that involved the use of a gallon of mud to finish that wooden ceiling trim, and your ability to entertain the hardware salesman by requesting a "twrowel".