Friday, September 18, 2020

Joe Biden new front man for Menudo


Chattering Teeth News - Fumbling, mumbling, stumbling... When Democratic candidate Joe Biden stepped to the podium in Florida fumbling with his phone while mumbling, "hang on here..." - and then "Despacito" began to play while Biden slowly stumbled to and fro - The next Latin dance star was born.

"There you go! Dance a little bit, Joe, c'mon..."

*I catch Biden as he exits a back door into the alley of this Florida venue as he fervently waves to an empty parking lot and the wall of an adjacent building... Forrest Gump never waved as fervently from the boat dock when spotting Lt. Dan.

BLADE: Mister Vice Senator Biden! DaBlade here from the Chattering Teeth Blog. May I ask you a few questions?

JOE: Who am I? Why am I here?

BLADE: Still trying to figure that one out myself. Quickly, before your handlers break through this door brace. Why did you play the 2017 hit song "Despacito" from Fonsi?  

JOE:  I've always loved that Arthur Fonzarelli. I tell you what, man. I don't want to jump a shark here, but if I had the talent of any one of those Happy Days folks, I'd be... I'd be... I'd be elected president in a Harris administration by acclamation.

BLADE: Wrong Fozi, sir. 

JOE: *gives the thumbs up* Ayyyyee!

BLADE: Excuse me, but what are those stains all over your white shirt?

JOE: Oh, that's just my lunch. I had never heard of Despacito before. I thought the young folks back stage with the cold hands and vacant stares told me I would be playing "Gazpacho," and I love cold soup with vegetables. I wouldn't go on stage until they got me some Gazpacho. That's where I learned about roaches. And kids jumping on my lap. And I love kids jumping on my lap...

BLADE: Riiiight. Back to tonight. Why did you play that particular song? Some say that the lyrics are inappropriate.. "I want to breathe your neck slowly - Let me tell you things in your ears - So that you remember when you're not with me - Slowly"

JOE: Well, they wouldn't let me play my first choice. That Smell by Lynyrd Skynyrd.

BLADE: Good choice. So is this going to become a regular signature bit at each of your stops?

JOE: When I'm president in a Harris administration, I will mandate social workers go into parent's homes to make sure their kids have their record players on at night so they hear a million, billion more words. C'mon, man!

BLADE: Sir, you will never be president, but I do believe you may have found your special purpose. You can spend the next 4 years of the Trump administration in your basement, singing and dancing your retirement away. May I suggest Desperado by the Eagles...


BLADE: It looks like your friends were able to unlock the alley door and that's all the time we have today. I will leave with this little diddy for your next stop...


  1. LOL. I had to look that up since I pay no attention these days.
    Thanks for keeping me abreast of this closer than close horse race for the White House. Hahhaaa.

    May I also suggest as our kids spin those platters in the evening while they practice twerking in their underwear, they should also tune into Happy Days reruns and learn some respect for our military's losers and suckers, er I mean should be Medal of Honor winners one and all !

    1. HA! IT APPEARS YOU ARE NOT COMPLETELY IN THE DARK AFTER ALL. Rest assured that this reporter will keep a bottle of ripple and a cheap prostitute on retainer to get to the bottom of today's exciting *yawn*...

  2. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to CTN/Blade Muse er ... News for this one-on-one interview. You just don’t know how close I came to voting for Dopey Joe Biden and Camel T. Harris. CTN and Blade News has saved me from myself. Now if only I could find some way of getting back from the DNC my $10 million contribution to the Dopey Joe campaign, I’d send it immediately to CTN (allowing that I get front row seats at all subsequent music festivals sponsored by CTN Enterprises, LLC). By the way, your interview with Dopey Joe sounded a lot like Dr. Sobel’s address at the greater New York Mafia meeting. It’s good to see that you actually prepare for an important interview (unlike MSNBCBULLTACO). Well done, sir.

    Confidential post script: I’ve seen Kid twerking after (only) two fine lagers (one on the front nine, the other on the back, after a hole in one). It wasn’t pretty (or appropriate) given the fact that it was a fundraiser for retired Anglican bishops. The Kid is definitely a wild man.

    1. Haha! I might have played in that golf tournament. It's hard to putt through the shadows of those tall hats.

  3. I heard that Biden was actually listening to an old Rudy Vallee tune. They do that to keep him from talking to his dead grandparents.

    1. I didn't know this. I'm not sure it's working.

  4. I think I should have you on the radio to do some of your great visual humor!

  5. This entire crew with commenters have faces for radio.