Saturday, November 20, 2010

DaBlade's Dream Theory and other mishmash, hodgepodge, pungent potpourri and flowery bouquet of blog words

"Eureka!," I thought. "I have single-handedly solved the whole enhanced airport screening controversy by the power of my fertile mind!" I excitedly mused.

Of course, I was in that "half awake / half asleep" stage I always move through toward complete wakefulness and having my first rational and conscious thought of the new day, which always seems to be a variation of the same theme: "MUST... HAVE... COFFEE". That familiar stage where my body shifts from having REMs to having RPMs - Rapid Prostate Movements.

I have solved quite a few work problems and unraveled a fair share of thought knots in this fugue-like state shuffling my my way to the toilet over the years. It's a tricky science, however, as the output from one of these "Eureka!" moments is as likely as not to be gobbledygook.

I'm reminded of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry goes to bed after watching a scary sci-fi flick, only to wake up briefly in the middle of the night to write down what he believes to be a killer joke on a pad by his bed - then giggles himself back to sleep. The following day he is unable to decipher what he wrote.
JERRY: (Trying to read the note) What have I done? I can't read this! Ful-hel-mo-nen-ter-val? I got up last night, I wrote this down, I thought I had this great bit.

(Tries to focus on the paper) Wait a second, wait a second.. "Fax me some halibut." Is that funny? Is that a joke?
Eureka or gobbledygook?
I usually know that answer before my feet are fully swung out over the side of the bed and inserted into my pink and furry bunny slippers because my second thought of the day immediately following the "coffee thought" is either: "OF COURSE! Why didn't I think of this before? It's so simple!" or more frequently: "huh? wtf dude, you have some real issues".

So why do we dream?
(and why are DaBlade's dreams better than mine?)

Full disclosure here, while I do not actually have a degree in psychology and am not a practicing sleep therapist, I have tirelessly studied and have dedicated the better part of my life to sleeping. And while I don't mean to brag, I've also spent the last few minutes google browsing the subject of "dream interpretations". Hey, until you've worn my spandex unitard pajama thong and walked in my bunny slippers, I would recommend you not doubt me.

Dream Theories* Sigmund Freud believed that dreams existed to fulfill his sexual perversions. I'm guessing he would have loved having his bags checked at the airport.
* The computer metaphor - dreams are a way for us to defrag our cluttered minds as we commit some memories acquired during the previous day to longterm backup storage while others are sent to the recycle bin.
* The "sleeping on it" problem solving theory.

DaBlade's Theory of Dreams
All of the prior theories may have some sliver of truth, but what I believe they all miss is that dreams are not simply a result of chemical reactions and electrical discharges in an organic brain. I believe we have an out-of-body experience, whereby our consciousness is actually transported to a place I refer to as Dreamland. A land of rainbows, unicorns, cotton candy and killer jokes yet to be discovered. All are welcome in Dreamland Carole Anne!

The other 95% of our brainpower is unleashed in Dreamland allowing us to solve all of the most important riddles. I believe the problem occurs in the trip back through the veil of consciousness. Most of the cool thoughts and understandings can't fit through this veil and they get stuck between worlds like dolphins in a tuna net. It's sorta like the Terminator having to travel naked through time because his clothes can't make the trip. (Hey! That's one solution to this TSA business).

Anyway, that's my dream theory.

OH! I almost forgot to tell you. "What was the 'Eureka!' solution to the enhanced aggressive airport screenings," you ask? I'm sorry to tell you, but it was just more gobbledygook. Somehow my fugue self really believed the answer was for airports to just install the U-Check, self-service scanning technology used in grocery stores.

Hmmmm. Back to the drawing board.


  1. "Just Say No" is the solution to the airport screenings. This is nothing but a $$$ grab. The chance of getting blown up on an airplane are about 1 in 25 million. The chance of dying in Flint, MI at anytime during a calendar year are about 1 in 15,000.
    This is all about compliance. It started when the Mobil man quit checking your oil. Next, you are bagging your own groceries and checking yourself out. Now, you must show your penis or let someone grab onto it.
    Beware of the future and innoculation day!
    I'm reminded of the Clash and their classic, Guns of Brixton:
    When they kick at your front door how you gonna come, with your hands on your head or on the trigger of your gun? When the law break in, how you gonna go, shot down on the pavement or waiting in death row?
    Thanks, I feel better. Maybe I should get my own blog.

  2. Sorry, but my math was wrong. Chance of dying in Flint, MI should be:

    90,000(est pop)/60 (murders) = 1 in 1,500.

    Where are our priorities?

  3. The "Good" Doctor, Yes, you should get a blog, as I always value your insight and perspective. I agree that the answer is "Just Say No" to the current system. I am not opposed to scanners, however, if it was part of the entire package that included profiling every olive skinned middle easterner wearing a wompum while leaving kids and elderly with replacement hips alone.

  4. Reminds me of the time I bunked with you at a golf outing years ago. Your night/sleep terrors kept me awake all night. You thrashed and screamed constantly. If you recall you tried to gain my favor the next day on the golf course by picking a bouquet of wild flowers for me.

  5. Pic Pic, very funny :) I only wish you were exagerating...