Friday, July 7, 2017

My Imaginary Pocket Therapy animal Reads the News

If you're like me, you never leave home without your imaginary comfort therapy-pet and the soothing reassurance they provide in an otherwise crazy world. I suffer from post-traumatic fake news disorder, and Chekhov helps me work through the anxiety.

So if my pocket buzzes, it's not a cell phone on vibrate - that's just Chekhov. He hates it when my imaginary friends and disembodied voices in my head call him a squirrel. Chekhov is actually a black-capped marmot and a species of rodent indigenous to Russia.

I'm hoping Chekhov's Russian heritage will provide added insight and assuage my fears for today's events. Talk to me, Chekhov!

CHEKHOV: I know vat is on your mind. President Trump wisit to Varsaw, Poland, vith his vife Melania and first daughter Iwanka. His speech vas most excellent in promoting vestern walues. "The Vest vill newer be broken!".

BLADE: NO, that's not it. I agree that was terrific. It's today in Germany and the G-20 summit that...

CHEKHOV: Don't vorry! Trump vill body-slam the wiolent anti-capitalists protestors and pummel them about their faces until they vun back to their willages. 

BLADE: No, no... I'm concerned about Trump's first meeting with Putin.

CHEKHOV: Who, Wadimir? If he meets Trump and Wadimir is not vearing a shirt, Trump vill give him a double titty tvister, and vestling style scissor kick takedown!

BLADE: I feel much better now. But what about North Korea?

CHEKHOV: Vat? You vorried Kim Jung Un inwented Nuclear wessels? He vill be wictim to Trump's wery wiolent vlesting body-slam and pummeling. Kim Jung Un vill be so wery vasted, his generals vill need wacuum cleaner to pick up vat is left of him.

BLADE: Got it. I'm good now. Take these wegetables and get back in my pocket. We really need to get you an imaginary speech therapist for that irritating impediment.


  1. He's so cute!
    Where can I imagine I got one?

  2. I'm feeling Much better now myself. I was practically hyperventilating over the Trump Putin meeting.

  3. Ha! Ed, with the explosion of fake news, these imaginary therapy squirrels have been taken off the endangered list and are running ubiquitous in all 5 corners of the Chattering Teeth Bunker, Bar and Shooting Range. I'll send you one if I can imagine how to catch it.

    Kid, with all of the coverage of analysts and so-called experts breaking down every pixel regarding the handshake and body language - it just seems so silly to me. I have confidence that Trump (unlike obama and Bush) knows this man is an evil dude who will never be our friend, and regardless of what is said diplomatically to the fake news microphones - I believe Trump rightly threatened Putin and put him on notice. My imaginary squirrel told me so.

  4. Lol. I lost it at Russian black capped marmoset named Chekhov. I can see how Boris would've been way too obvious.