If you're like me, you never leave home without your imaginary comfort therapy-pet and the soothing reassurance they provide in an otherwise crazy world. I suffer from post-traumatic fake news disorder, and Chekhov helps me work through the anxiety.
So if my pocket buzzes, it's not a cell phone on vibrate - that's just Chekhov. He hates it when my imaginary friends and disembodied voices in my head call him a squirrel. Chekhov is actually a black-capped marmot and a species of rodent indigenous to Russia.
I'm hoping Chekhov's Russian heritage will provide added insight and assuage my fears for today's events. Talk to me, Chekhov!
CHEKHOV: I know vat is on your mind. President Trump wisit to Varsaw, Poland, vith his vife Melania and first daughter Iwanka. His speech vas most excellent in promoting vestern walues. "The Vest vill newer be broken!".
BLADE: NO, that's not it. I agree that was terrific. It's today in Germany and the G-20 summit that...
CHEKHOV: Don't vorry! Trump vill body-slam the wiolent anti-capitalists protestors and pummel them about their faces until they vun back to their willages.
BLADE: No, no... I'm concerned about Trump's first meeting with Putin.
CHEKHOV: Who, Wadimir? If he meets Trump and Wadimir is not vearing a shirt, Trump vill give him a double titty tvister, and vestling style scissor kick takedown!
BLADE: I feel much better now. But what about North Korea?
CHEKHOV: Vat? You vorried Kim Jung Un inwented Nuclear wessels? He vill be wictim to Trump's wery wiolent vlesting body-slam and pummeling. Kim Jung Un vill be so wery vasted, his generals vill need wacuum cleaner to pick up vat is left of him.
BLADE: Got it. I'm good now. Take these wegetables and get back in my pocket. We really need to get you an imaginary speech therapist for that irritating impediment.