Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Obamacare WarGames - The Movie!

I have this idea for a movie remake of one of my all time favorites - WarGames!

I usually don't like remakes of any sort, whether it be for classic movies or for original songs. I mean, is there anyone who demanded to hear Uncle Kracker's "updated version" of Dobey Gray's classic, Drift Away? As for movie remakes, Matthew Broderick's 1988 remake of Godzilla seems to find its way on to most "worst" lists. Sometimes its not about a better costume.

Not to disparage Matthew Broderick and his fine body of work. Seriously. If Ferris Bueller's Day Off is not on YOUR "best movies ever" list, we have nothing more to say to each other. Go back to your iPod Uncle Kracker playlist and drift away. Better yet, make like Metallica, and Turn The Page.

That said, a movie remake can be an improvement as long as the technology and upgraded cinematography doesn't dillute or detract from the unique vision that made the original great. That is to say, as long as its done artfully. Yes, when I say "artfully", I am refering to that great 2011 remake masterpiece, Arthur. For my money (free On Demand) Russell Brand's stunning thespianic vision of a vomiting drunken millionaire playboy is much more believeable than Dudley Moore's.

Which brings me to my top classic Matthew Broderick movie from 1983 that I believe is dying to be remade, albeit with a few minor plot twists and updated scenarios.

War Games, the REMAKE! Let's recap and contrast...

In the original movie, a young hacker unwittingly accesses a United States military supercomputer and almost unleashes global thermonuclear war.

In my remake, a young progressive hacker SOMEHOW (and against all odds) negotiates the internet traffic bottleneck and accesses the Obamacare website without it immediately crashing, and almost successfully signs up for a federally-sponsored insurance exchange (before realizing it was NOT FREE!)

In the original WarGames, David Lightman (Broderick) connects his home computer with WOPR (War Operation Plan Response), a NORAD Cray 2, a supercomputer with four vector processors built with emitter-coupled logic and capable of 1.9 GigaFLOPS at peak performance.

In my remake, the progressive Lightweight connects his home computer with WHORE (White House Obamacare Response Exchange), a rebuilt Tandy 1000. Inside this slightly battered desktop server you'll find an overclocked Intel 8088 CPU (and external 5.25 floppy drive) capable of... err... well, we don't really know the full capability of the server housing this $634 MILLION website - but the demand must be there for it to go down faster than a democrat intern in the oval orifice. Or Sandra Fluke with a purse full of publicly funded rubbers.

Check out this exciting beta script preview!

Scene: Our hero accesses the  HealthCare dot Gov website seemingly when no one else can by guessing the "backdoor" password. In the original movie, our hero gains access to WOPR when he accurately guesses the password as "Joshua", the name of the deceased son of the computer's programmer.

In my remake, our hero gains access to WHORE by correctly guessing the password as "SandraFluke", the Georgetown Law student obsessed with the twisted and macabre desire for unwilling Catholics to pay for her contraception and abortions. Immediately, his computer speakers emit a lispy, yet mechanical rendition of congressman Barney Frank's voice.



WHORE: Hewwo! Welcome Profethor Falcon, I thee you've found my backdoor you naughty boy. Shall we thign you up for Health Care?


David Lightweight: [typing] Uhhh... sorry bro. I'm not Falcon, I just stole his EBT Debit card. I thought this was my Candy Crush app. Shall we play a game?

WHORE: Wouldn't you prefer we thign you up for Health Care?

David Lightweight: [typing] Later. Let's play Candy Crush.

WHORE: Fine.

WHORE: Oh by the way, your refusal to sign up for mandatory health insurance online has resulted in a fine of over $4,000 dollars a year and will be taken directly from your bank account for your convenience... Ooops, I see you are currently short of funds. Be advised your drivers license has been suspended and a federal tax lien has been placed against your home. Now please enjoy your game of Candy Crush.


At this point, our hero freaks out and disconnects his computer. Fade out.

Fade in. The camera pans to the darkened corner of the basement beneath the West Wing of the White House, as the Tandy's processor whirs and sparks through dozens of calculations per hour as it slowly performs a solitary Candy Crush simulation, thereby locking out other potential website visitors. Fade out.


Scene: The War Room during the thick of the crisis (Obama not pictured. He is either napping or golfing, but at this point really, "what difference does it make?")

McKittrick: General, the WHORE has locked us out!
General Beringer: Michelle again?

McKittrick: No! The computer. It's sending random numbers to the Budget Office.

General Beringer: Just unplug the damn thing! The mainstream media would interpret any shutdown as the the Tea Party's fault!

McKittrick: That won't work, General. It has something to do with an angry and vengeful Obama (after losing his signature piece of crappy legislation) and his briefcase full of missile silo launch codes. He'd launch!

Meanwhile, Americans all across the country are learning the truth about Obamacare. Even the ones who voted for Obama and are suffering from the pre-existing condition "DumbAssitis" are starting to doubt. If the government can't even get their website working, how in the world can we expect them to run our country's health care system?  Can the Obamacare implosion be even worse than we thought?


But then, what's not to love? The coercive and vindictive government threatening and punishing citizens if they don't sign up for plans with exploding premiums and deductibles, on a website that doesn't work, and for plans they can't afford with their meager part time job incomes?

A strange game, Obamacare. The only winning move is not to play.


How about a nice game of Chess? We can use the 90-year-old WWII vets as Pawns. Or maybe you'd prefer a nice game of Benghazi?

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