Grab 'em by the "Hannity"

Trump's "hot mic" moment.

It is most cringe-worthy watching the Trumpeter apologists do the moral equivalence dance. Just stop.

At least there is a silver lining. One day, folks will look back on this sordid episode and realize this was the moment when the phrase, "Grab 'em by the Hannity" was popularized.

If Shep Smith Monitored The Next Debate

I had insomnia so I watched a little of the Hurricane Matthew coverage in the middle of the night. While these storms are not to be trifled with, may we agree it was way over-hyped everywhere? I don't watch Faux Snooze so I missed this one:
Shepard Smith Freaks Out About Hurricane Matthew


I can almost see it now...

Mr. Trump, do you know what happens to those who stand in the way of Hurricane Hillary's path? Have you seen her body count list? Ever heard of Vince Foster? James McDougall? Benghazi? She moves 30 feet to her right, and you and everyone you know are dead — all of you — because you can’t survive it. It’s not possible unless you’re very, very lucky. And your kids die, too.

WOW! Shep reminded me of Henry Kane, the ghoul on the porch scene in Poltergeist 2:


Kane: You're all gonna die in there! All of you! You are gonna die!

Hmmm. I think I'd rather have Reverend Kane on my front porch than the tiny karate hands of that buffoon, Sean Hannity. Or the jowly nonsensical mumbler, Brit Hume. Or any of the other establishment apologists over at Fox. 

The good news is, just like the "faux reverend, Kane," The "Faux News Channel" must be invited into the home willingly. Neither can just barge in and bludgeon you into violating your values by possessing you to vote for Trump.

Hurricanes no threat during Obama's reign (Climate Denied!)

In Obama's nomination victory in 2008, he made the claim that, "This was the moment - this was the time - when we came together to ... when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal."

Boy, was he right, or what?

Remember, Obama had been president-elect for ONLY 3 DAYS when he turned Hurricane Paloma away from our shores by the sheer force of his planet-healing will.




As you can see from the chart, it took Texas oilman George W. Bush a few years in order to unleash his environmental destruction, but once he got going - BOY, HOWDY!

In the 2004 and 2005 seasons, Bush manipulated the climate and created 11 named hurricanes that caused untold damage and ruin. Everybody remember Katrina? Bush created and steered that storm, not just into the gulf and towards Louisiana, but directly into the Lower 9th Ward of New Orleans while he watched his handiwork from 10,000 feet through the window of his cushy jet. Hmmm. Wonder why Mister Bush!

So be a Climate Denier all you want, but the tally of the tape don't lie, bro! 18 destructive storms under Texas oilman Bush, to only 4 minor dust-ups that created INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITIES and INFRASTRUCTURE SHOVEL-READY JOBS under President Obama.

So excuse me if I don't get excited about some tropical breeze named "Matthew" while Obama be juicin'.





So rest assured and let not your heart be troubled about Hurricane Matthew, and instead be frightened by something deserving of your fear - namely, clowns. I'm not worried about Hurricane Matthew's storm surge. Its the possibility of a clown surge for which we should be scared.

Bill Clinton Stares at Flint's Weather Ball

...When the weather ball is red, another commie is ahead.

You may recall Bill Clinton's reaction to the balloon drop at the DNC convention in January. He stood mesmerized and with mouth agape, as the netting bra released the colorful round mounds from the ceiling. He playfully batted and kicked them to and fro as they floated within range. You could see in his eyes that nothing else existed in the entire world to Bill in those moments, and we couldn't help but wonder if this was what Lewinsky saw when releasing her balloons.

Bill Clinton was in Flint yesterday to campaign for his wife, Hilery (sic). This was yet another reason for me not to break my almost 7 year absense from the city where I grew up and worked (besides the current prohibitive distance of about 7 miles).

I haven't been in downtown Flint in so long that I don't know if the old Citizen's Bank Weather Ball is actually still there. Since the 50's, the Weather Ball has been a sort of Flint icon (like street violence and lead water) and has dominated the city's skyline. There is a well-known jingle we grew up with around these parts that goes like this:

When the weather ball is red, warmer temperatures ahead.
When the weather ball is blue, colder temperatures are due.
Yellow light in the weather ball means there will be no change at all.
When it blinks in agitation, there will be precipitation.

If it is still there (and it was lit up) I imagine it at least distracting Bill Clinton for a few hours.

Maybe that potential problem was foreseen in advance and a large tarp was thrown over the Weather Ball to keep it out of sight from Billy's wandering eyes. After all, Georgetown University was forced to use tarps to cover the crucifixes and all other references to Jesus Christ in advance of Barack Obama's visit back in 2009.

October Surprise Predictions - You Won't Believe What's About To Happen!

It's October, meaning political pundits everywhere are girding their loins and waiting for the other shoe to drop. NOTE: Hilery (sic) left the first shoe on the curb by her limo.

Here are just a few of my October Surprise predictions:

Julian Assange of Wikileaks keeps his promise by releasing damaging information meant to sink Hilery's (sic) presidential aspirations once and for all. Her poll numbers and lead over Trump increase dramatically as a result.

Conspiracy theorists have suggested that Hilery (sic) used "hand signals" to communicate with moderator Lester Holt during the first presidential debate, as if moderators have ever needed promptimg in rigging these debates. To dispel these charges from the "parent's basement dwellers", Hilery (sic) performed the next debates in a full straight jacket pantsuit. Her poll numbers and lead over Trump increase dramatically as a result.

[source]

FULL DISCLOSURE: I have used hand signals at my TV and directed at the moderators during these debates for many years.  

Hilery (sic) puts out a list of possible Supreme Court nominees, and topping her list is Alicia Machado, the former Venezuelan Miss Universe who Hilery (sic) claimed was "fat-shamed" by Trump in 1996. Machado would join Sonia Sotomayor as the only other woman on the court of Latin descent. The pair become known as the "Wise Latina" and the "Size XXXL Latina." 


Is Trump trying to lose?  The theory that Donald Trump got into the presidential race in order to hand the White House to Hilery (sic) and to destroy the Republican Party "got real" when Trump showed up to the second presidential debate wearing an army helmet, ala Michael Dukakis. Trump spent two thirds of the debate simply over-enunciating the word "Chi-naaah". Her poll numbers and lead over Trump increase dramatically as a result.

IN OTHER FUTURE NEWS:

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt reach an amended temporary custody agreement that will allow Brad to visit Angelina's father, Jon Voight,  monitored by a therapist.

San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick suffers third degree burns after his afro catches fire when he attempts to burn the American flag during all his free time on the sidelines and bench.

The United States reneged on earlier agreement to hand over the oversight of the internet to a global entity when it learned it's self-professed inventor, Algore, was not part of the agreement and we were expected to keep him.

Those are my predictions so far. Yours?

"Hillarity and Hijinks" from Last Night's Debate

So I watched the debate on TV last night between that portly and bombastic man and that woman whom I shall not name who shared the stage with him. It was obvious to me from the spirited back-and-forth that she was lost in this great man's shadow, having much less experience in entertainment TV.

I know that some folks watching this debate sided with the man while some sided with the woman simply because they shared their genitalia type. I took no sides, and instead contented myself with belly laughs and snorts after every outlandish utterance of fake dialog. No laugh track necessary!

From what I could gather, the man's main beef was that he had spent the last 30-some years actually working and earning an honest living, while she spent all that time selfishly thinking about herself and setting up everything in her sphere of influence just to benefit herself.

From her perspective, she didn't deny his charges, but tried to make the case that she was much better at making the important decisions than he was.

While the debate was contentious at times, it was obvious these two really loved each other and actually wanted exactly the same things.

So that is my recap of "Sleep Disorder", the title of the second episode of the new comedy TV series, Kevin Can Wait, starring Kevin James and Erinn Hayes as his TV wife.

I'm quite sure there will be more hillarity and hijinks next week.

As for the 9PM hour immediately following, I thought I was watching a repeat - but instead was the presidential debate between the protectionist populist progressive Trump and Hilery (sic).

While the debate was contentious at times, it was obvious these two really loved each other and actually wanted exactly the same things.

The joke is on us in that one.

And what is Chelsea? OK, Got iit!

Black Caucus Dinner Insults

Obama: Would be 'personal insult' to legacy if black voters don't back Clinton

Saturday night at the Congressional Black Caucus Foundation gala dinner

OBAMA: If I hear anybody saying their vote does not matter, that it doesn't matter who we elect -- read up on your history. Or weren't you educated in a muslim Indonesian Madrassa?

Barack so stupid, If he had a brain he'd take it out and play with it.

I will consider it a personal insult -- an insult to my legacy if those with my particular shade of skin melons and genetic blend do not support that old and tottering racist white biotch.

...as an outsider, what's your view of the human race?

Let me be clear. I need all of my bruthas and sistas who are also half white and half Kenyan to put down their bongs for an hour - get a ride to the polls and vote a few times for Hillary.

... mouth is moving, words are coming out, this is never good!

My name may not be on the ballot, but our progress is on the ballot. My pen and my phone is on the ballot.

Hey Barack! You'll never be the man Michelle is!

By the way, there's an extra spring in my step tonight. I don't know about you guys, but I am so relieved that the whole 'birther' thing is over.

Yo mama's doctor called with her colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head!

END TRANSCRIPT

HILLARY HANDLER ACADEMY

APPLY NOW!!!

So you want to be a Hillary Handler? Do you believe you have what it takes?

We here at the Hillary Handler Training Academy take your training very seriously. The Academy is located in a sprawling underground campus hidden under Chelsea's house (with a fully staffed hospital). After successfully completing this 6-week course consisting of a combination of classroom and grueling obstacle course work, you will have the following skills:

* Ninja-like ability to be camouflaged in plain sight - the ability to always be within proximity of "the subject" and ready to assist at a moment's notice, but out-of-the-way and not immediately noticeable to others in the crowded groupings.

* Magician-like skills and ability to appear out of nowhere to surreptitiously administer booster shots to "the subject" of whatever is needed at the time from a concealed-carry syringe and vials of various medications for strokes & seizures - but all labeled for "allergies".

* Fireman-like strength and ability to catch the subject after a sudden collapse and to deadlift and drag the subject into the waiting and idling van in such a way as to make it appear the subject is still conscious and animated under their own power. 

* NASCAR-like driving abilities in case the regular driver suffers an accidental ashtray throw from the back seat to his temple. (we here at the Hillary Handler Training Academy believe in cross-training our HH Agents)

Those with family, friends, neighbors or loved ones who would otherwise notice their eventual permanent disappearance need not apply.

Hillerella

Clinton cancels West Coast visit to rest

Hillary Clinton canceled plans to visit California on Monday and Tuesday and instead will rest at her home in Chappaqua, N.Y. following a medical episode that caused her to stagger and faint Sunday at a 9/11 commemoration ceremony, her campaign said. Clinton stumbled off the curb, her "knees buckled" and she lost a shoe as she was helped into a van during her "unexpected early departure." The NYPD was sent to retrieve Clinton's shoe, according to NBC.

As I was reading the article, I remember thinking how strange it was that I hadn't fallen asleep. I mean, "I don't feel no ways tired." You see, I suffer from a rare form of narcolepsy that only seems to manifest itself when confronted with a story about Hillary Cli... *yawn*.. Zzzzzz

Cue wavy lines for the upcoming blog dream sequence of fairy tale already in progress...

Hillerella was sick and tired of always being the ugly stepsister when it came to winning the hand of the  democrat nominee for president. Her "prince".  For once, SHE wanted to be the UGLY sister nominee! No, she NEEDED to be!

And why not!? She's earned it.  After all those years running interference for her husband, the pied piper with the bent flute and a trail of bimbos in his wake.

And then in 2008, when the nomination was all but hers - in rides Obama on a unicorn to steal her prize. IT WASN"T FAIR! SHE wanted to be the one to fundamentally change and destroy this country. 

But it was not to be, for she was forced to eat the poisoned apple and sleep for the next 8 years.

Well NOW was her time, and she was dancing with the prince once again. She wasn't going to let a little coughing spasm and a virulent case of pneumonia stop her from grabbing the brass ring and hugging a child despite her contagious infection.
That mean 'ol Trump wolf was not going to huff and puff and blow her house down, not if the mainstream media could help it.

"Where's my *cough*... shoe?," groaned Hillerella. "There's only 2 months left until the election! The DNC better not even *cough*... THINK about *cough* trying to slip that on someone else's foot *cough* It is formed to MY cankle!"

THE END

CONSTITORTIONALISTS UNITE!

This one is for my FB buddy Tom, who likes to call me 'stupid' or 'dumb' because I won't support Trump - and also for the rest of those who try to bludgeon a Trump vote by stating that not voting for Trump is like a vote for Hilery (sic), or that Trump is obviously better than Hilery (sic); or warning that if Hilery (sic) is elected, we will lose our country in 8 years (as if I can still recognize the country I'm currently blogging in); or my personal favorite: "(then) face the consequences of the future Supreme Court." (but why repeat myself).

NEWSFLASH: If (when) Trump loses, it's his fault - and because he was the wrong candidate. 

I know it's a popular argument from many trumpeters to state that if Trump loses, it's somehow my fault. I don't blame the cupcakes who never supported the only constitutional conservative during the primaries for finger-pointing. After all, your candidate is already positioning and leveraging himself for the loss.

Then again, Einstein and his chalkboard may have this all figured out.  

In conclusion, Hilery (sic) is a despicable human being and I would never vote for her. I certainly understand those of like-mind who plan to hold their nose and vote for somebody they determine to be less despicable than Hilery (sic). I respect their choice and pledge from here forward not to try to influence them to my camp of nevertrump - as long as they give me the same courtesy.

This Blog Means No Offense to the Capybaras

Massive rodents are taking over the Rio Olympic golf course

Capybaras have taken over the course at Rio ahead of next week's men's Olympic golf competition, and they are crazy looking -- like the offspring of a rat, pig, gopher and baby hippo ... but with long hair.

Zike, smeeka.

2016 RIO Olympic Cauldron & Funeral Pyre

 

The 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro officially got underway when a 200lb mosquito riddled with the Zika virus lit the Olympic Cauldron filled with the mutilated body parts that have been washing up on Copacabana Beach.

The proverbial bar has been raised regarding the pomp and circumstance that has been associated with these opening ceremonies, with the raucous music and synchronized dancing accentuated by audience participation with gunshots, knifings and other random acts of violence perpetrated against their foreign visitors.

This is a socialist's utopic wet dream of universal health care and abject poverty re-distribution. Never mind the waterways of Rio teeming with dangerous viruses, bacteria, turds and raw sewage. Pay no attention to the   mutilated bodies washing up on the volleyball beaches, or the stench from the numerous giant trash pits.

DISCLAIMER: Garbage is defined as any discarded item thrown out by a capitalist, including but not limited to worn or broken household items, leftover packaging, uneaten non-vegan foodstuffs, or other items resulting from capitalist consumption. Garbage DOES NOT include Earf-friendly items such as dirty drug needles, spent roaches, stacks of discarded and bloodied unwanted fetuses with severed spines, etc., and also the following: Any item purchased with any form of government transfer payment, including but not limited to Social Security, welfare, food stamps, unemployment compensation, etc. 

And as for the mosquitos spreading the zika virus and causing birth defects and baby's heads to be 50% smaller than normal - you have to ask yourself: How big a brain do you really require to be a socialist progressive?

So the land isn't exactly disease-free. But just think how much worse the air and water quality would be if the green environmentalists and tree-hugging socialists weren't in charge.

The good news is that the television cameras should not broadcast any human rights or civil liberties violations, as the local impoverished have been booted to the hills and threatened to keep a low profile.

BREAKING: Due to the special challenges holding the Olympic games in Rio is proving to be, there have been some scheduling and games changes to take note as follows -

1) Swimming. The Men's 400m freestyle has been replaced by Men's 400m sewage and infectious disease paddle; and the Women's 100m butterfly has been replaced by Women's 100m synchronized turd toss.

2) Beach volleyball will be replaced by the severed head bocce ball beach roll and shuffleboard.

3) All street marathons and race-walkers will be allowed either an AR-15, or a lighter, yet smaller capacity semi-automatic handgun - depending on what the participants believe they need to defend against the random roving gangs. Water stations will also have cups full of re-loads and additional ammo.

4) Lastly (for now), all Gymnastics competitions will involve projectile vomiting (due to the unavoidable violent illnesses from the water and air), and athletes will be judged on distance, vocalizations, creativity and artistry (i don't know. I'm making this up as I go)

And now for the opening ceremony song, performed by

Duran Duran
His name was Bruno and he washed up on Rio sand
Just like that river with his torso and severed hand.
And when he bloats he really shows you all he can
Oh Rio, Rio dance across this filthy land.

...Let the Games Begin!!!

Hillary's Biggest Crack

Glass platform in French Alps with the best view in Europe
On the top of Aiguille du Midi summit in French Alps sits the tallest tourist attraction in Europe – a glass skywalk called “Step into the Void”. 

In other news, Hillary is:

'biggest crack' in glass ceiling

What? Not a ceiling, but a floor? Tell that to the goats for the next several thousand feet. I don't know about you, but I hope she busts through.

Tooth Fairy Versus Easter Bunny

Parents coerce son to do chores with threatening letter from the Tooth Fairy

(Highlights mine)

Dear Elliot, Thank you for the return of your fourth molar. Here is your payment upon receipts, the agreed-upon sum of $5.00. By leaving your tooth out for one of our Tooth Adjusters, you, the toothee, have entered into a contractual obligation to perform measured work, herein known as chores. Please see the attached addendum for an updated list of these chores. We have been notified by your Parental Units that these obligations have frequently gone uncompleted, and often have to be requested multiple times before they are, in fact, done. If these obligations are not fully completed, without demand, in the specified time frame (every day after school or camp), we will have no recourse but to repossess all of your remaining teeth, by force if necessary, with no repayment to you. The most comfortable solution for all three parties involved (Tooth Adjusters, Toothee, and Parental Units) is for you, the toothee, to do your chores as expected, on time, every day. Do not make us come and take your teeth. Warm regards, The Offices of Tooth and Fairy, LLC – Tooth Adjusters

Boy responds (not really, but he should) with threatening letter to mom from Easter Bunny