President Obama "will directly address the technical problems" with the ObamaCare website during a Rose Garden event this morning, and Chattering Teeth Studios has been forwarded an advance copy of the president's speech.
I stand here in the Rose Garden today joined by a dozen folks who will claim under oath thaaaat... despite the propaganda from Fox News, Ted Cruz and those Tea Party terrorists, they have successfully logged in to the HealthCare Dot Gov website, provided all of their personal information, and are now officially lined up in our cyber-waiting room anticipating their turn for free healthcare. Let's meet a few of these fine folks. Please welcome Boguslaw Dudek, who reportedly was able to access the website from a Connecticut Community Center with the help of a team of Washington Navigators... Wait, "Boguslaw" is his real name?
Now, before I move on, let me just say that if I were the owner of that name, and I knew that my name — even if it had a storied history — was offending a sizable group of people, I'd think about changing it. Therefore, The Washington Navigators will simply be referred to from here on as simply "The Navigators". What do you think of that Mister Boguslaw?
Welcome also to Sum Ting Wong, a graduate from MIT with a Doctoral in Management Information Systems, who claims to have bypassed the crashed and defunct website by finding the super secret backdoor password to our exchange. Each citizen and/or undocumented voter up here represents maybe another dozen across the country who are now officially waiting in our cyber-waiting room, we have jokingly named Cyber-Purgatory.
Thaaaat said... we can do better. The rollout of the Obamacare website has been an epic failure of historic proportions. We have had over 3 years to get Obamacare ready, and have charged almost $One Billion Dollars on a credit card from the Bank of China in the name of our children to finance this unworkable website. That’s irresponsible. It’s unpatriotic.
Let me be clear. I am not talking about my role in this debacle, or my perfectly fine rebuilt Tandy 1000 Obamacare server. I aaaam, of course, talking about the inferior and imperfect internet thaaaaat supports my perfect and superior vision.
After all, the internet is not a big truck, it's a series of tubes. It is a network of electronic roads and bridges, and I DIDN'T BUILD THAT!! Apparently, the mess that is the internet that my administration inherited from George Bush is even worse than we thought.
For that reason, I have unilaterally decided by executive order the approval of another few $Trillion for an emergency Tech surge . The Tech Surge is contingent upon the immediate granting of full amnesty to the millions of undocumented workers and assign them the job that no other Americans apparently want. Thats right. They will be recalled from the hotel laundry rooms and acres of farmland from across this country and charged with fixing the Obamacare computer thingy. An infrastructure upgrade, the likes of which this country has never seen! A complete overhaul to the internet, which will be know from here on as the Obamanet, as well as the expected bribes to union thugs and other money laundering kick-back schemes I have perfected.
Let me wrap up by recognizing that many of my Republican opponents are demanding answers from Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, and her role with these failed exchanges. Lets make this simple. The answer is "no" because "I won".
If it makes my opponents feel any better, Ms Sebelius will be punished. Sure, Obamacare is unworkable and built to collapse, but the plan was for more that a F%#@ing dozen people to sign up before it did! How else am I supposed to pave the way for my Single Payer system to come to the rescue?
Sebelius has the distinction of being one of the highest ranking Catholics in my Administration who is forbidden to receive Holy Communion just because she supports a woman's right to chose to suffocate her baby and carry it around in a shopping bag at a New York City lingerie store. Taking a lead from the Catholic Church, I now forbid Sebelious the right to receive any more abortions - which as you know, is the Progressive left's unholy sacrament. Not that anyone is about to hit that old bag, so I doubt she'll be punished with a baby anytime soon.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a tee time I need to get to.