Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Obama delivers disjointed apology while unveiling his new Cybersecurity strategy

OBAMA TRANSCRIPT OF ADDRESS: Fellow "citizens of the world." Remember when I first used that phrase during my 2008 campaign speech to massive adoring European crowds in Berlin?  What a difference a little over six years makes. We've gone from my "A World That Stands as One" speech, to "A World That Stands without The One".

I know there are some who are still upset that I didn't make it that Paris rally, but let me be clear. If I had a son who was a leftwing progressive cartoonist, he would look like that "Charlie" fella. No, I don't mean Charlie Hebdo. I'm talking about Charlie Rangel, who recently was quoted as saying that when he served in Korea, he never became upset about seeing dead soldiers unless they looked like him.

Listen here Charlie, I feel ya bro. I'd be upset seeing a corpseman resembling a squatty, tanned Jackie Gleason with a salt N Peppa porn 'stache and a comb-over brow my own self.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. The future must not belong to those who slander the prophet. Or my golf game. Ya hear me Jordan?

But as I was saying. I would have loved nothing better than to be front and center in that Paris street marchathon and taking selfies with y'all, but some of us had to work, ok? The oceans aren't going to recede themselves after all, amIright? I just so happened to be working vigorously on shoring up some of the cyber security issues that have been plaguing us.

The good news is that Healthcare Dot Gov just signed up 10 million ISIS members.

Oh sure, I could have skipped along the Paris streets sipping on a Mocha-flavored shaved icee, but that wouldn't have been very responsible of me, what with our infrastructure at risk. And when I say "infrastructure," of course I am talking about cell coverage for my Blackberry at any of our nation's golf courses.

As I stated yesterday, If we're going to be connected, then we need to be protected. Just ask Miss Sandra Fluke if you doubt how important connection protection is. See what I did there?
Oh sure, I could have frittered the afternoon away hangin' with that chickensh*t Bibi or secretly taping  Merkel's cell calls for kicks and giggles, but then I would have been ignoring clear and present cyber threats. The last thing I need is for my Rangefinder GPS golf watch to get hacked and I get the wrong yardage tomorrow. See what I'm sayin'?

Michelle and I are like parents everywhere... We want to be sure our children are safe online, especially when Malia is shopping for more Cop Hating T-Shirts and gear.

Aaaaand in a world where everyone is banking, buying, and communicating more through digital networks, I need to be able to count on continued unlimited funds from my credit card from the Bank of China in the name of your children.

I will unveil a few more details of my comprehensive cybersecurity strategy at next week's SOTU speech, assuming I come up with a few more. Right now, all I got is this. Change your passwords. Write 'em down on a sticky note and post it on the monitor if you have to. Just change 'em. And number two... keep those car tires inflated.

What does that have to do with cybersecurity you ask? About as much as it does the gas prices, but have you checked the price at the pump recently since I last suggested filling your tires back in 2008? You're welcome.

And that's why I missed the Paris rally.


  1. Well that's good to know. I mistakenly assumed the newest version of his favorite video game was released, and he just didn't have time for that President stuff.

  2. Change tire inflation password.
    Got it.

  3. Jess, your theory is all together possible. Nobody really knows what this president does prior to 10AM.

    Ed, You got it. Sorry to ruin the contents of next week's SOTU speech. I know you like to be surprised.

  4. Cube, I think he is out of the closet now. As for staying home to watch football, I am sure he worked during the commercials.