Just WHAT did George Bush do to BO, the Portugese Water Dog?

From The Onion
High-Powered Washington Fixer Tells Blood-Soaked Obama To Listen Carefully

The Beltway fixer, whose name remains unknown, asks the president to tell him everything that happened.

...a high-powered Washington fixer reportedly entered the White House at 11:35 p.m. Wednesday and told a blood-spattered President Obama to listen to what he said and listen very carefully.

“I’m here to help, Mr. President, but if we’re going to get you out of this mess in one piece, you need to do exactly what I tell you to do...”

It's obvious to anyone paying attention that the Beltway Fixer is a conglomerate of the lapdog media. I don't visit The Onion on a regular basis due to its leftward bent, but I believe they swerved into something here on this one that they probably don't even realize. Like all good satire, there has to be an element of truth, and Obama with bloody hands is perfect symbolism for everything he touches.

Speaking of lapdogs... where's BO, the First Pooch Portugese Water Dog? Mister president? What did you do with the pooch, and who's blood is on your hands?

killing Carey

Obama open to name change for Washington Redskins?

Time for a little old fashioned compromise.

The football team will be renamed The Washington Navigators, but only if the name of their basketball team is changed back to The Bullets. They are already 1-0 against the unarmed mother drivers with a toddler suffering from Post Partum Depression. Even with Obama going 0-20 from the charity stripe.

Hello, this is your friendly ObamaCare Navigator, how may I assist you?

From "our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor" to "Our Obamafones, our free contraceptives, and our EBTs" -  a 200+ year journey

**RING** **RING** **RING**
WELCOME TO THE OBAMACARE HELP DESK. THIS CALL IS BEING MONITORED FOR QUALITY CONTROL PURPOSES, AND POTENTIAL IRS TARGETING. TO CONTINUE TO AN OBAMACARE NAVIGATOR, PRESS 1 FOR SPANISH PRESS 2 FOR FARSI PRESS 3 FOR MANDARIN PRESS 4 FOR LATIN PRESS 5 FOR PUNJABI PRESS 6 FOR NAVAJO... (20 MINUTES LATER) PRESS 666 FOR ENGLISH

Oops: MSNBC Anchor Can’t Access Obamacare Exchange

After failing to log in to the Obamacare Exchange web portal, MSNBC’s Mara Schiavocampo then called the help desk and was put on hold for 35 minutes trying to reach a Navigator.

“If I were signing up for myself, this is where my patience would be exhausted,” Schiavocampo said before she gave up.

OK, so there were a few "glitches" on Day One, but Castro didn't build the utopic Cuban health care system overnight. (just ask any Cuban refugee rubber raft immigrant) In fact, this is good news. Employment figures are sure to improve as Obama ramps up the public sector Navigator jobs. All we need is a swelling bureaucracy to meet the demand.

Remember, the reason so many were having problems getting through was because the lines were being tied up by millions of Obama voters. Let's listen in to some of these calls...

NAVIGATOR: Hello, this is Al-Shabab, and I'll be your Obamacare Customer Care Navigator Representative today. First, we need to set up you account. In case you lose your password "KENYANMALL", we ask some security questions. Therefore, I am going to ask you a series of questions about Islam that any good Muslim would know. I hope you know the answers or things could go very badly for you.


ObamaBot1: Yo, check dis out. I went in to order seven McDoubles and one McChicken and one fry, but when I got to my truck and I got ready to leave, I looked in my bag and come to find out I only had six McDoubles.

**RING** **RING** **RING**

NAVIGATOR: Help desk, what's your emergency?
OBAMAFONE LADY: ...CLEVELAND HEIGHTS, YOU CAN RUN AROUND OUTSIDE BUCK NEKKID! I need more Obama Phone minutes!

**CLICK**

Meanwhile, the Giant Pandas from the National Zoo have escaped and are still at large, and no bamboo shoot is safe. Mei Xiang and Tian Tian's escape was made possible due to the Republican-led government shut down. No funding, no Panda Cams, PROOF that the lack of constant surveillance can be dangerous. How was this considered non essential?! Thanks Tea Party!

Welcome to Government Burger, may I take your order?

 

I'm gonna need you to shut it.

Defund Me (obamacare) Sung to the tune of "Lean On Me"

Will Obamacare $$ in Budget Bill Wither?

Speaking of Bill Withers, please join me in singing the following song. Repeatedly. In your heads. Because, once heard, you can't seem to shake the melody... or the sentiment.



Defund Me
Sung to the tune of "Lean On Me" by Bill Withers

Sometimes in our lives
we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
O ba ma care
Doesn't see tomorrow

Defund me
If the House is strong
and we'll be your friend
we'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'till we're gonna need
Somebody to lead us

Congress, stiffen your spine
and grow a pair
For Obama needs to borrow
For no one can kill
those of his needs
If you stay RINOs

Just call on me brother
when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lead US
I just might have a problem
that you'd understand
We all need
somebody to lead US

If there is a load
you have to bear
That you can't carry
We're right up the road,
we'll share your load
if you just call me

Call me (if you need a friend)
Call me
Call me (if you need a friend)
Call me (if you ever need a friend)
Call me (call me)
Call me (call me)

Call me (call me)
Call me (call me)
Call me (call me)
Call me (if you need a friend)
Call me (call me)
Call me (call me)
Call me (call me)

The NHL introduces the Queensberry Rules for hockey fights

Devils' Krys Barch and Islanders' Brett Gallant removed each other's helmets before beginning a fight in the rink. New NHL rules prevent players from removing their own helmets when engaging in a fight.



Great Scott! What of the devious new rule preventing us from removing our own lids?
Dear sir! Kindly remove my top hat and I shall remove yours, then thou shall commence to gentlemanly fisticuffs henceforth, to wit.
I say ol' chap! What an elaborate ruse!
A veritable Hat Trick my good man!
Jolly good! Shall we exchange blows?
After you sir!

Atheists mock, Rome Twerks, Caesar Golfs

...Then the dinosaurs evolved into young, swarmy, Starbuck's Grande-sipping, self-possessed, sexual neopagan, utopian statist, pseudo-intellectuals who were college-indoctrinated and therefore have no wisdom or moral anchor. And they have won (look around). They worship Caesar and their prize is this world - this nation.

The irony is that the economic deterioration we are suffering with that has the U.S. on a trajectory of bankruptcy and the verge of total collapse is exactly correlated to their rise.

The new Fox News Lineup sends me all Rain Man

No more Gretchen Carlson on the Fox and Friends curvy couch. In fact, no more curvy couch for that matter. It has been 3 days since Elizabeth Hasselbeck has taken Gretchen's place, and I have yet to watch. Not that I have anything against LizBeck, other than she is not Gretchen.

OK, maybe I never understood why Hasselbeck never shivved Joy Behar with a homemade prison knife on The View. Or put Whoopie in a go-to-sleep half-nelson. Not that I was a regular View viewer, but I'm sure I would have heard about this had it happened.

No doubt I will tune in at some point, its just that I am drug resistant to change. A "10 minutes to Wapner" kinda guy. Yeaaaaah.



Here goes with the new Fox News lineup (from memory, so I may be speculating a little)
So Gretchen is getting her own afternoon show - Shepard Smith loses his 7PM slot to Greta Van Sustren, Bill O’Reilly keeps the Factor at the 8 o'clock slot, Sean Hannity vacates 9PM to Megyn Kelly and moves to 10PM... and I think Shep replaces Hasselbeck on The View to form a full couch flush of liberal women... and the Fox and Friends crew are doing their show sitting on old milk crates.

Roger Ailes is the kinda guy who would move Helen Keller's furniture. Or move Charlie Babbitt's Wapner to 6.

Obamacare Sex Panels Questionnaire - Don't ask, Don't tell, Don't cluck

Some of you may remember me blogging about my neighbor and progressive activist, Gullible Gabe, and our over-the-fence conversations. Remember, I only have to call him "Gabrielle" when he is mowing his lawn with his 275lb flabby and hairy frame stuffed into a faded, double Buddha sun dress, lips and cheeks covered with an uneven swath of red lipstick and his twisted and hairy size 11 feet wedged inside petite high-heeled red pumps. Think "Sandra Fluke", but actually slightly more attractive.

I'm usually successful racing to my door without giving him the opportunity to engage me in conversation, but this was not one of those days. As I fumbled the house key to my sanctuary, I hear him call me from over my shoulder.

Gullible Gabe: "Howdy neighbor! Got a second?"

Me: Hi Ga.... brielle. Sorry, but like I told you before. I don't smoke methajuanna.

Gullible Gabe: I'm hoping you can help me answer this Obamacare questionnaire so it's all ready for the next time I go to the doctor. It's demanding to know about my sex life and I'm kinda stuck on this first question. It asks:

"Are you sexually active? If so, with one partner, multiple partners or same-sex partners?”

Me: Ah, so this obamacare interrogation has you starting to see things my way and are wondering why your sex life is your chiropractors business! Maybe NOW you are regretting your life-long zombie-like support of the democrat party and their over-reaching and out-of-control, liberty-killing socialist policies that have destroyed this economy and is now obsessed with continuing to expand its database of information on every citizen with this intrusive and unnecessary obamacare questionnaire - no longer having to rely on their illegal surveillance techniques, but just denying treatment if you refuse to answer! Make no mistake, these questions have very little to do with helping the doctor treat whatever ails you at that moment, but to be entered into the whirring and expanding government  harddrive of information, accessible to the IRS and all other agencies to target groups they hold in disfavor.

Gullible Gabe: What?... No. Only you Christian, conservative, married, heterosexual Tea Party couples have to worry about targeting. I was just wondering if the question covered my unique... sexual preferences.

Me: Why are you confused? Aren't you still seeing your all-male extreme poetry reading club? I heard that if you liked your sex life, you can keep it. Just check off all the boxes... Uhhhh, Gabrielle, why is there a chicken in your window sill?

Gullible Gabe: I told you it was unique. And there's no box on this questionnaire for that.

Me: At least you've managed to answer Frank Costanza's dinner table riddle involving the chicken, the rooster and the hen. It always had me wondering.

Gullible Gabe: To make matters worse, our town is not on the list of Genesee County towns that allow chickens.

Me: Don't worry, I read that too. The ordinance says you can't keep chickens in your backyard but it doesn't say anything about your bedroom. Just write "chickens" in the margin and move on. Will there be anything else, or can I get to that Seinfeld rerun and my 20-piece nuggets?

Gullible Gabe: One more thing neighbor. This quiz also wants to know if I've ever used drugs, including IV drugs. Now I'm an edumacated man but I have always zoned out on test days in school. Thankfully, I went to a public school so my scores never really mattered before.

Me: Again, I think you'd be safe to just check them all. Then again, make sure you don't accidently check that you are a Christian conservative, married, heterosexual tobacco user with a firearm or you'll never get an appointment.

Then again, THAT is one way to ensure a house call.

Syrian President Assad and Andy Kaufman separated at birth?

OK blog class, take out a clean piece of paper, a protractor and a sharpened pencil for today's entry - because admittedly, it is a little hard to follow. However, you may trust this content, for I have stayed up all night and currently have pictures on my wall of today's players - each with various relationships and connections to the others which I have illustrated by strings I have criss-crossed and stapled to the wall. Lets begin.

Like you, I had always assumed that comedian Andy Kaufman faked his own death in 1984 and is actually alive and well, and the current president of Syria.

Of course, I had also thought it common knowledge that Tony Clifton, the washed-up, vulgar, and often-drunk ex-Vegas lounge singer, had reinvented himself as Charlie Rose, the washed-up, vulgar, and often-drunk PBS tv talk show host and journalist.

Stay with me here and prepare for your mind to be blown.

Some skepticals claim that Tony Clifton was actually Andy Kaufman in costume just doing another one of his strange bits. Maybe these are the same deniers who insist that professional wrestling is real. All I know is that Tony Clifton retired about the same time it is claimed that Andy Kaufman died, and is rarely seen in public any more.

Now ask yourself this... Why has Charlie Rose never interviewed Tony Clifton? I'll tell you why! It is for the same reason you never see comedian Dana Carvey sing a duet with Reba McEntire. They are the same person!

Dana - Reba - Dana - Reba. Seriously? Try harder next time fella. Or gal. (I guess I'm not even sure if Dana Reba is a very funny female singer or a male comedian with an excellent voice).

Regardless, my point has been made.

So I'm flipping through the channels this past Sunday and I stumble upon this paradox. Charlie Rose (Tony Clifton in retirement) interviewing Syrian President Bashar Assad (Andy Kaufman in hiding).

In conclusion, I believe I have proven two points.

Number one: Syrian President Bashar Assad  Latka Gravas does a fantastic Elvis impersonation.

Number two: The United States would be in much safer hands with Tony Clifton as our president rather than that vulgar, washed-up, often-high ex-community organizer.

President Obama (code name "The First Divot") moves his assets (read: golf balls)

As the Nimitz carrier strike group heads west to support the Al Qaeda terrorists with a U.S. strike on Syria...

Today's CT News Shorts

President Obama finally weighs in on the murder of Chris Lane, the white Australian college student and baseball player who was shot and killed while he was jogging along a street in Duncan, Oklahoma by three self-described "bored" black teenagers. Let's listen in as the POTUS crushes his cigarette under his heel before taking the podium for this White House news conference.

OBAMA: "I don't know, not having been there... aaaand not seeing all the facts... what role race played. Of course, thaaaat has never stopped me before. Just like during the whole Trayvon deal. The difference being thaaaat Trayvon furthered my agenda. Now about this jogger. I might be "a little biased"... But I think it's fair to say, thaaaat the jogger acted stupidly."

In other news

Obama's brother, Malik Obama, is in bed with terrorists and working as an official within a terrorist State.

Meanwhile, Malik Obama leads in the polls of likely democrat voters (both living and deceased) and is the new front-running presidential candidate to unseat Hillary in 2016 (or 2020, or whenever the Obama decides to step down because he's tired of golfing).

Is this "the most entertaining, inspiring and unusual" blog post ever written?

It was May of 2008 when I originally blogged and posted my Personal Letter from Steve Martin (below) that he sent me around 1980 (give or take).

While I have always personally treasured this letter, I had no idea that it would one day be deemed "the most entertaining, inspiring and unusual letter" anyone has ever written in the course of human history. AND IT WAS MAILED TO ME!



I sense that you may have just sprayed your (coffee/liquor/energy drink) out your (nose/pie hole/sphinxter) and on to your (PC monitor/smart phone screen/spandex unitard) as you read that last paragraph, so I'll give you a moment to get cleaned up.

Better? Now I know what you might be thinking. "Just where does this guy get off thinking he is the recipient of 'the most entertaining, inspiring and unusual letter' ever conceived and written by the entirety of the world's most brilliant and talented minds?" and/or... "I hope this coffee stain comes out of my Lederhosen."

Well don't just take my word for it. There is a book coming out this October on this very subject titled -

Letters of Note: Correspondence Deserving of a Wider Audience [Hardcover]

By Shaun Usher - Author, Compiler Extraordinaire, and Curator of the World's Most Curious Correspondence.

Book Description (per Amazon.com) Letters of Note is a collection of one hundred and twenty five of the world's most entertaining, inspiring and unusual letters, based on the seismically popular website of the same name - an online museum of correspondence visited by over 70 million people...

Letters of Note is a celebration of the power of written correspondence which captures the humour, seriousness, sadness and brilliance that make up all of our lives. Including letters from: Queen Elizabeth II, Elvis Presley, Charles Schulz, Leonardo da Vinci, Iggy Pop, Fidel Castro, Anais Nin, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Amelia Earhart, Charles Darwin, Roald Dahl, Albert Einstein, Dorothy Parker, John F. Kennedy, Groucho Marx, Charles Dickens, Katharine Hepburn, Mick Jagger, Steve Martin, Clementine Churchill, Ray Bradbury, Kurt Vonnegut and many more.

So now you might be thinking, "OK, I get that your Personal Letter From Steve Martin is in this collection, but it is just 1 of 125 historical letters, yet you assigned it the number one slot of all time. Narcissistic much?"

Hey! Come at me again like that you rodeo clown and I will ban you from my blog thoughts! I base my assertions on the following email I recently received from the source himself, who obviously has designated my Personal Letter From Steve Martin as the REPRESENTATIVE sample and the BEST OF THE BEST! Subjectivity aside, who better than the author to make this call?

Jerry,
Hello! Quick question. Would you object to your Steve Martin letter featuring in GQ Magazine's November issue? It's for a piece I'm writing to promote the Letters of Note book and I reckon that particular letter would be perfect for their readership. (This would be GQ in the UK only, I think.)
Thanks! Hope you're well.
Shaun

Shaun,
They say Jerry Lewis is big in France and David Hasselhoff owns Germany. I guess I can settle for the United Kingdom... Let the onslaught of interview and letter signing requests begin.
Jerry

Now the voices in my head suggest you may be thinking, "C'mon Jerry! Check yourself, don't wreck yourself! Drop your egocentric, self-centered and conceited attitude. Steve Martin wrote the letter, NOT YOU! It just arrived in your mailbox. Big whoop!"

I'll give you a "big whoop". Take that! (part of my left ear is now removed. Hey, I'm not the first artistic genius in human history exhibiting mild quirkiness).

Consider this. Jonas Salk cured polio, not the first recipient of his vaccine. However, what if there existed a catalyst that inspired the eventual global eradication of this once deadly virus? Shouldn't THEY AT LEAST be given a wiki mention? What if the vaccine's first recipient was actually responsible for giving the good Dr. Salk the medicine's recipe?

And with that, dear friends, I offer as 'exhibit A' the following fan letter I wrote and sent to Steve Martin (and hundreds of my favorite movie stars, musicians, atheletes and cartoon characters in the 1970s and 80s). As you can see, I wanted it to be all-encompassing and time-saving (hey, my newspapers weren't going to deliver themselves).

Will THIS letter from "a teenage boy named Jerry" unseat my Personal Letter From Steve Martin as "the most entertaining, inspiring and unusual letter" anyone has ever written in the course of human history BECAUSE it inspired the next best letter? Chicken or the egg, my friends. Chicken or the egg. At the very least, this never before now published correspondance may act as a time capsule by shining the light on how this teenage boy named Jerry from Flint misspent his youth.

Dear _____________ I am writing you this fan letter to let you know how much I A) laugh/cry B) sweat C) Curl into the fetal position and whimper every time I (watch, listen, robot dance) to one of your A) movies and/or tv appearances on one of the two channels we receive. B) cardboard records I cut out from the back of my Cap'n Crunch cereal box. C) Olympic Curling events. ___________, next time you pass through Flint, please stop by and say ________ to your favorite fan. I 'm usually done with my paper route by 5PM (regardless of what my district manager might claim). I'll have mom set an extra plate of slumgullion at the table and then we can go ride A) the metal farm animals balanced on coiled springs at the Freeman school playground. B) bikes to Mary's Dairy on Circle Drive and buy beer. C) the hookers on Dort Highway. Sincerely, Jerry Carlson

Give my first grade teacher, Mrs. Thurman, some credit, for based on my first grade report card she obviously was a very scary judge of talent.

Jerry can be reached via email at dablade at snappers golf league dot com if you would like an electronic correspondence from the author of the self-proclaimed world's most entertaining, inspiring and unusual blog (and assuming you can decipher my actual email from the complicated algorithm encoded here).

Oprah Repulsa and Pursehead, her new $38,000 handbag

Next on "MIGHTY MORPHIN MEDIA RACE-BAIT RANGERS"
Oprah Repulsa sends Pursehead, her new $38,000 handbag designed by Lord Zedd, to attack the Swiss luxury shop in Zurich for doubting her ability to afford it.

The side benefit of being a dad with 3 boys during the 1990's was television programming I would have otherwise avoided (to my own detriment). Namely, The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

There's only one Motor City Madman

"This ain't just another gig, boys! We're back in Michigan!" - Ted Nugent (with expletives deleted)

Ted Nugent, with special guest Tesla, ROCKED DTE Energy Music Theatre (Pine Knob baby!) last night, and my ears are still ringing the next morning. What a show! As I told my wife and two boys as we exited the theatre, "I came here to see a rock legend and would have been satisfied no matter what, but I didn't expect him to still sound so good!" It didn't hurt that Derek St. Holmes was there and belting out vocals on the 70s classics Stormtrooping, Stranglehold, Hey Baby, Just What the Doctor Ordered... They even did Queen of the Forest! Also, another one of my favs - "Live it up".

My very first concert (almost 35 years ago) was to see Ted Nugent at the old IMA Auditorium in Flint. I've seen him a few times in between, but last night was the first time I took the family to a show ('most' of them. missed ya B!).  It was my youngest boy's first Rock Concert, so there was a little synchronicity in the connected shared experience that spanned over 3 decades. 

Did I mention that Tesla freakin' rocked? As they took the stage, frontman Jeff Keith told the crowd that "Everything is cool, bitchin' and out of sight in Detroit rock city tonight!" They left me wanting more, but with so many hits in their pocket it is impossible to get them all in.

I loved Tesla's Love Song, but needless to say, it offered a stark comparison to Ted's version of a love song ("Wang Dang")


"Thank you for kickin' our asses tonight Detroit!," said Keith, as he danced his way off stage.

No, no no! THANK YOU for blowing my mind with your high voltage rock and melting faces. I raise my goblet of rock (a $42 dollar 16-ounce Budweiser) and salute you sir!

As we waited for Uncle Tedly to take the stage, I made a wager with my youngster. I proposed he pay me $1 dollar every time Ted said the phrase, "NO SHIT!" (a phrase I knew from experience he was very fond of). In turn, I offered to pay him $1 dollar every time the Motor City Madman said, "Obama." "Deal," he told me.

I won $4 to 0.

While The Nooog never used 'his' name, he did make a political reference or two regarding He who shall not be named. You Know who. The following Nugent quotes were pulled from Eric Lacy's Twitter feed. Eric is the Detroit entertainment reporter for Mlive Media Group.


"The White House is full of criminal mf-ers, and it's time to put them in a "Stranglehold."
"Take no shit. Take back America, and take back Detroit!"
"I've always caused the assholes pain and suffering. Say 'Thank you, Uncle Ted!'"
"I did not invent music, but I think I will perfect it."
"I know what you're thinking, I know what you're thinking. Can this (blog edit) keep this up forever?"
"I did not invent music, but I think I will perfect it."
"I'm back in Michigan, Freddy." (awesome live Fred Bear!)
"Do you remember when Detroit never backed down to anyone?"

"There's only one Motor City Madman. God bless all those others for trying, but there's only one Great White (F'ing) Buffalo!"

Amen brother! Keep rockin' and keep stirring the pot!