Chumley Turns State's Evidence

I hate it when heroes fall.

BERNIE SANDERS CANCELS RALLY AMID THREATS OF VIOLENCE FROM AMMON BUNDY AND HIS BAND OF COWBOYS

Yah, I don't remember that happening either...

Reince Priebus is the "RINO Whisperer"

From the producers of Cesar 911 staring Cesar Millan as the "Dog Whisperer". Now comes -

Reince 911 Reince Priebus is the "RINO Whisperer". As the chairman of the RNC, he answers emergency calls from the GOP-insiders who become terrorized by unruly candidates. Renowned RED-DOG and RINO behavior authority Reince Priebus is beckoned by the ruling elite establishment and status-quo corporatists to address rogue Republican candidates exhibiting conservative principles.

In each episode, Reince is briefed by the power brokers in a darkened and smoke-filled back room, then he evaluates both the offending candidate and their supporters through impromptu visits to campaign headquarters and rallies to see for himself these outrageous liberty-loving behaviors.

Rehabilitation programs are set up and referred to by Reince as the "Doggie bisquet vs the stick" technique. First, committee appointments and/or campaign contribution bribes by crony capitalist lobbyists are offered in exchange for submission. If there is not the desired behavioral changes with the candidate recognizing the establishment as their pack leader, Reince will then resort to "the stick" that involves threats, coercion and arm twisting.

If all else fails and the candidate continues to insist on exhibiting a love of conservative principles and the Constitution, a surreptitious smear campaign is launched with the help of the establishment media led by Fox News in order to destroy the offender and to push their own big government agenda.

surveillance cameras are used to track progress and ensure a lasting solution. The final test comes when voters gather together in the community polling booths.

PILOT EPISODE TEASER

Somewhere deep in the bowels of the RNC headquarters, a secure landline phone rings in the chairman's lair...

***RING*** ***RING***

REINSE: Reinse 911, what's your emergency?

ANON DONOR: Yah, we got ourselves a rescue candidate with good papers. His daddy and his brother were good show RINOs, but this one we picked early is just so low energy. I can't even take him for a slow stroll through the neighborhood without the low energy catcalls. What should we do about our RINO, Jebster?

REINSE: Low energy RINOs don't even want to be a Pack Leader. Drop the Jebster back at the kennel and try again.

and now its time for the "Ask Reince" mailbag segment of our show.

Reinse, we have two stray candidates we have been unable to run off the property. The problem is, they are both leading the pack, but We can't seem to get a leash on either one of them. The big bull with the funny hair and small paws is just as likely to bite the hand that feeds him. The other one refuses to train on the constitution papers we spread on the basement floor. Why, he isn't even a RINO at all!

The most important thing to remember is that its all about secrecy and cronyism, and a good RINO candidate will subordinate to the establishment as their pack leader. One of my successful strategies is to roll out my fully trained RINO, Mitt, in order to socialize the candidate to model his behavior. Mitt is exactly the kind of moderate loser we look for every four years. 

If all else fails, you need to play for a stalemate by claiming the open doorway and creating an invisible boundary. You can do this by using your trained RINOS, Kasich and Rubio to stay in the race even though they have no path to outright victory. They will siphon just enough support from clueless voters to ensure a brokered convention. In this scenario, we could even insert our perennial loser, Mitt, back  as our candidate. Hey, what about that low-energy Jebster as his running mate?

Season Finale for the establishment...

What would happen if the establishment were muzzled and the winning candidate is a conservative who believes in individual sovereignty and liberty? Stay tuned...

#NeverGump

BREAKING: Donald Trump selects Forrest Gump as VP running mate.

Making America stupid again!

Mrs. Trump: Remember what I told you, Donald. You're no different than anybody else is. Did you hear what I said, Donald? You're the same as everybody else. You are no different.

Principal: Your boy's... different, Miz Trump. His IQ's 75.

"I'm pretty tired... I think I'll go home now...."

Trump Has Tiny Hands PAC

Haha! It's a real thing! 

Portland Man Creates ‘Trump Has Tiny Hands PAC’

"When a call comes into the White House at 3 a.m., will Donald Trump's tiny baby hands be able to lift the phone receiver? This is something Americans should know before voting.” The name refers to recent talk of Trump’s hand size after Marco Rubio made a swipe at him on the trail. “You know what they say about men with small hands,” he said. “You can’t trust ’em!” The jab prompted Trump to respond in a Republican debate, complaining, “He referred to my hands — if they are small, something else must be small. I guarantee you, there’s no problem.”

Like a tiny pebble falling off its perch and eventually causing an avalanche, this seemingly harmless exchange during the last GOP debate was watched by former president, Bill Clinton on a 12" B&W TV from a Motel 6. The next day, he had botox hand injections for reasons yet to be determined. That's when things went horribly wrong...

BEST MOMENT OF THE DEMOCRAT DEBATE LAST NIGHT IN FLINT!

The 2016 democrat presidential nominee (and some elderly and crazy-looking white guy with wild, white hippy-hair) had a debate "in the ghetto" last night. I found this statement quite haunting...

"Good judgement comes from experience.  Experience comes from bad judgment.  And sometimes that bad judgement can be pretty horrific!"

No, this was not a quote from Hillary's opening statement (as far as I know) regarding her lengthy list of bad judgments culminating in the murders in Benghazi.

The above quote is from Val Geissler, a cowboy poet from the movie Unbranded. I know this because the family fired up Netflix and watched it last night instead of the 2-hour Hillary campaign commercial debate taking place a mere mortar shell's distance away. Hillary likes to use the phrase, "Hard Choices". This was not one of those.

This, from imdb.

Sixteen mustangs, four men, one dream: to ride border to border, Mexico to Canada, up the spine of the American West. The documentary tracks four fresh-out-of-college buddies as they take on wild mustangs to be their trusted mounts, and set out on the adventure of a lifetime. Their wildness of spirit, in both man and horse, is quickly dwarfed by the wilderness they must navigate: a 3000-mile gauntlet that is equally indescribable and unforgiving.

"Currently, 50,000 wild horses are in government holding facilities waiting to be adopted."

Why? Did they send hundreds of classified emails from a private server?

Chattering Teeth U

So you want to be a millionaire blogger? You want to know the secret to acquiring a million dollars while spending your mornings like DaBlade at Chattering Teeth U - slamming coffee and two-finger punching your QWERTY keyboard in rapid staccato while producing such bloggilicious results?

If you answered "YES, I want to be a millionaire blogger!" then YOU MUST ACT NOW by sending me a check in the very affordable amount of $38,000 and I will reserve your spot in the incoming freshman class here at Chattering Teeth U.

Our 3-Step Program will have you up and blogging with one million dollars in your bank account before you know it!

STEP ONE: Inherit one million dollars from your billionaire father
STEP TWO: Surround yourself with expensive Ukrainian beauties
STEP THREE: Get to bloggin' mister!

What your very affordable $38,000 tuition will include:
* A spot for your Avatar in our virtual dorm

* A slightly used Flobee, the revolutionary home haircutting system

* Chattering Teeth U Season Football tickets

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL!!

If you're one of the first 5,000 enrollees, I'll throw in a FREE PHOTO of you with a cardboard cutout of our beloved mascot, Chattering Teeth!

Still not sure if a Bachelor's Degree in Blogahaulics from the prestigious Chattering Teeth U is for you? Don't take MY word for it, take it from one of my assorted blog characters in this disturbing testimonial...

I was looking for something to do from home since this electronic ankle tether won't let me leave my yard and boy howdy am I offal glad I sent DaBlade my life's savings and you can prolly tell how much his courses have helped me string together my innermost thoughts in such a compelling manner but I'm still not sure how I get my million dollars now but Ill go ask him just as soon as I manage to saw thru my shin with this bone saw... Gullible Gabe

ACT NOW!

Trump Tower Compensating For His "Little Marco"?

RUBIO: "you know what they say about men with small hands."

TRUMP: "I guarantee you there's no problem."

CRUZ: "Simply release the tapes."

Hilarious pair of itty bitty hands.

There isn’t anything particularly funny about a person’s hands. Unless, of course, they’re about five times too small for their body. Make your friends laugh with creepy and hilarious Tiny Hands.

CRUZ VERDICT - NATURAL-BORN GRADE A AMERICAN B.A.

Illinois judge dismisses Cruz eligibility complaint

CHICAGO (Reuters) - An Illinois voter's lawsuit challenging Ted Cruz's eligibility to run for president of the United States because he was born in Canada was dismissed on a technicality on Tuesday by a state judge... Donald Trump has repeatedly questioned Cruz's eligibility because of his Canadian birth.

According to my sources here in the spacious Chattering Teeth News Bunker Spa and Grill, the Illinois judge demanded 3 full days of depositions to FIRST prove the premise that Canada is not just a frozen wasteland and that it was scientifically possible that babies could survive birth there.

Once it was established that there was a preponderance of evidence (empty Carling beer cans at various archaeological dig sites) to support the hypothetical that pockets of people are born and actually live there - with all receiving FREE healthcare coverage (but having to travel outside their borders for any actual timely health "CARE") - the next question was to determine if Ted Cruz was one of these... let's call them "Canadians" for lack of a better word for them.

The Illinois judge decided to run Cruz through a series of tests to get to the bottom of this very important question once and for all.

First, Cruz was hooked up to a lie detector and shockingly could not identify even one of the songs piped in through the loud speakers by Justin Bieber, Celine Dion or Alanis Morissette.

Next, a table of assorted Canadian tuques with tassles and ear flaps were ignored by Cruz in favor of an orange NRA hunting cap found at the bottom of the pile.

Last, the judge had Cruz lace up some hockey skates and he was run through the paces with a semi-sober Canadian Mountie observing.

Results? Ted Cruz is most definitely NOT CANADIAN.

THE END
TED CRUZ - GRADE A AMERICAN BADA$$

Glad we settled this matter once and for all. In other campaign news...
Ben Carson unsuccessfully tried to suspend his presidential bid yesterday - but reminiscent of the S.C. debate where he stood just offstage for many minutes after his name was called - "he couldn't find a path forward" off his anemic campaign.

Marco Rubio quietly cancels rallies in Kentucky and Louisiana...
"Many are speculating this may be the end of Marco Rubio's bid for the White House."



C'mon, Marco. Do the right thing here. I'll give you some free Flint water if u drop out!

Two NY Liberal Presidential Candidates From Opposing Political Parties Walk Into a Bar...

Whaddaya have?

How about a good Alibi (or three?)

Which brings us to "Decision, 2016"...

 

KKK Grand Wizards and White Supremacist PooBahs Line Up For Trump

Free Zombie Generator
For those who have an unhealthy obsession with the coming zombie apocalypse and want to see what you would look like as a walking corpse, or you simply want to graphically express someone who is now dead to you.

The Trump endorsements keep piling up, with Grand Wizards and White Supremacist PooBahs from all the KKK chapters chiming in with their support.

CNN, Jake Tapper asked Trump if he was finally willing to denounce the hate groups, “or that of other white supremacists.”

TRUMP: “Well, I have to look at the group. I mean, I don’t know what group you’re talking about. You wouldn’t want me to condemn a group that I know nothing about. I’d have to look. If you would send me a list of the groups, I will do research on them, and certainly I would disavow if I thought that there was something wrong.”

Thanks, Donald. Just let us know when you're done researching the KKK and white supremacy groups and if you conclude whether "there was something wrong."

[IMAGE source]

[IMAGE source]

Go see RISEN ("Open your heart and see")

For my Christian friends, do yourself a favor today and go see the movie, RISEN.  For the rest of you, I'll buy your ticket and popcorn if you will see it with me.

Had one of the best Saturdays I've had in a loooong time, yesterday. The wife and I and our 21-year-old son listened to my eBook version of  Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis in the car and on the way to and from the theatre where we watched the new movie, RISEN. (Oh, and had a monster Bacon/Cheeseburger and fries after the movie)

The movie takes up the story immediately following the crucifixion, and covers the period of Jesus' death, resurrection and ascension as seen through the eyes of Roman tribune Clavius. The tribune is tasked by Pilate with finding the body of Jesus, which they believe must have been stolen from the tomb in the night. Here, Clavius questions Mary Magdalene...



I can't do better than this review by Bishop Robert Barron. I actually held my breath in this scene...

My favorite scene shows tribune Clavius (played by the always-convincing Joseph Fiennes) bursting into the Upper Room, intent upon arresting Jesus' most intimate followers. As he takes in the people in the room, he spies Jesus, at whose crucifixion he had presided and whose face in death he had closely examined. But was he seeing straight? Was this even possible? He slinks down to the ground, fascinated, incredulous, wondering, anguished. As I watched the scene unfold, the camera sweeping across the various faces, I was as puzzled as Clavius: was that really Jesus? - See more at: http://www.catholicreview.org/article/connect/columns/risen-and-the-reality-of-the-resurrection#sthash.dlvXlbSg.dpuf

So, like Mary Magdalene's admonition of Clavius, do "you to look for the wrong thing"?

Happy Sunday, y'all.

Cuban Missile Crisis for Trump at Debate?

Donald J Trump is no John F Kennedy, but he did suffer his own version of a Cuban Missile Crisis at the GOP debate last night in Texas. Trump is also no Reagan, but Trump's unmoving hair mass seemed to be some kind of Star Wars Defense shield, deflecting wave after wave of Truth shells lobbed by both Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz.

Houston, we absolutely have a problem. That big slice of spoiled ham in that Cuban Sandwich last night must be bathed in so much preservative, no amount of truth seems able to decompose and expose it for the 70-year-old pile of fraud garbage that it is.

Nothing seems to be able to stop the Trump Chump Train, but I was very impressed with Marco for at least pointing his missiles in the right direction for once, though it might now be too late. Make no mistake, Trump was a disaster and had cartoon-like responses. But I thought the same thing at the last debate and it didn't seem to affect his supporters.

I feel dumber for watching Trump's constant contradictions (An exact quote: "I don't repeat myself. I don't repeat myself.") Frankly, I found the Kasich's "hand puppets on an escalator" gestures and hand dances much more mesmerizing and thought provoking.

Ben Carson: "A movie was made about these hands..."

Shut up, Ben! Seriously, what are you still doing here? Not that I am not impressed with your neurosurgical past (and the fact you were able to find the debate stage tonight under your own power this time.) But those hnads of yours now make fruit salad, or something.

George HW Bush showed more "energy" at the debate last night from his box seat. I don't know if that was a smile or a grimace on 41's face, but THAT was the EXACT same look I had when Trump was blathering.

That's all the time I have this morning. (lucky you). BTW, is there a bigger jerk on TV than Geraldo Rivera? What a piece of ...(blog edit)
TO BE CONTINUED...

Marco Roboto tries to pass the Turing Test

Who said?:

DARLING DEAR MY HEART YEARNS FOR YOUR THIRST. MY IMPATIENT EAGERNESS PASSIONATELY YEARNS FOR YOUR APPETITE. MY DESIRE ATTRACTS YOUR SYMPATHETIC LONGING. YOU ARE MY SEDUCTIVE SYMPATHY. MY PRECIOUS WISH. YOURS CURIOUSLY ?

Was it
A) Donald Trump to his 'hot' daughter
B) A really thirsty Marco Rubio
C) MUC, the Manchester University Computer

[ANSWER HERE]

Per wiki: "The Turing test is a test, developed by Alan Turing in 1950, of a machine's ability to exhibit intelligent behavior equivalent to, or indistinguishable from, that of a human."

 fail.

RUBIO The Cuban Shetland!

Who remembers this scene from Rocky?

Rubio... Do you believe that the GOP is the party of opportunity?

Reince Priebus does. And he’s gonna prove it to the whole world by giving an unknown a shot at the title. And that unknown is you, Rubio.

spoiler alert... Rubio loses in the end.