The Courtship of Omar's father

White House: Obama to visit Orlando Thursday


CHATTERING TEETH NEWS — President Obama will travel to Orlando Thursday, but not to pay tribute to the victims of the worst mass shooting in U.S. history, as the White House has reported. Chattering Teeth is breaking with this bombshell exclusive that Obama will be reacquainting with Seddique Mateen, The Orland gay club gunman's father who also happens to be a self-hating homosexual muslim.

"They have a lot in common. They both are for the transforming of America," said a silhouetted and unidentified source in a hijab and wishing to remain anonymous.

Obama and Seddique have connected many times, using a gay dating app. They like to ride the roller coasters and usually stay on It's a Small World ride for several cycles in a row.

"When the president is here surreptitiously with Seddique, the Hall of Presidents always seems to be coincidentally down for repairs. That's because Barack Obama's Animatronic is flown back to Washington to act in the president's stead and so his presence won't be missed," claimed the anonymous source.

AND HOW ABOUT THIS STARTLING CLAIM: Some of the president's best speeches were actually delivered by his robot!
(how to tell when it's really obama talking)

Barack Obama's Animatronic is constantly serviced and maintained by a staff of ex-NASA rocket scientists who are constantly reprogramming the presidential look-alike with recorded speeches and looped messages. They are currently programming the robot with the "bitter clinger" rhetorical flourish routine, which consists of a series of random anti-second amendment threats and Christian insults.

All so the president can go golfing Thursday.


FLASHBACK!
Was Obama Animatronic at Disney's Hall Of Presidents Dismantled by the Reagan Bot?

The Hall of Presidents attraction at Walt Disney World's Magic Kingdom in Orlando, Florida, has been taken over by a large segment of the Animatronic presidential figures this President's Day, 2014. This bloodless coup seemed unprovoked, when suddenly the Ronald Reagan Animatronic slipped the surly bonds of his robotics to "touch the face" of Obamabot. Reagan had the Obama figure in a headlock while the founding fathers pummeled it. When the dust settled and the curtain dropped, all that was left of the Obama robot was a pile of nuts and bolts and a slightly used Obama rodeo mask... REAGAN: Well, I'd had just about enough of that, how about you?

THE END

Jon Bon Jovi uses his powers for good

DirecTV Commercial 2016 Jon Bon Jovi Turn Back Time

You see, we got the power to turn back time, that show you missed, let's just go back and find...
and while we're at it let's go back  to a certain tent, because mass murder and twisted ideology you can prevent...

Who is the Greatest of all time?

Luke 9:46 
46 An argument started between them about which of them was the greatest.

47 Jesus knew what thoughts were going through their minds, and he took a little child whom he set by his side

 48 and then he said to them, 'Anyone who welcomes this little child in my name welcomes me; and anyone who welcomes me, welcomes the one who sent me. The least among you all is the one who is the greatest.'

I just never knew that Jesus was a Prince fan...

Elizabeth Warren Endorses Hillary

there's a shocker.

Bill Clinton now the presumptive nominee for First Lady

Hillary is the entitled 2016 Democrat nominee. No matter what, it's her turn for sure this time. We know what happened the last time it was her turn. Skin pigmentation trumped female genitalia (blog assumption... hey, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt, though it does require a willing suspension of disbelief.)

With the latest Hillary Clinton win, Maria Shriver is demanding we:

“pause...to think about how this is historic and unprecedented” for Hillary Clinton to become the first female presumptive presidential nominee.

Or is she...?

Let's see if I can help untangle this knotted identity politics ball of twine.

1) Bill Clinton is widely regarded as the first black president. "Blacker than any actual black person who could ever be elected in our children's lifetime." [HERE]


2) During Barack Obama's campaign, he doubted whether Bill Clinton was the first "black president," stating he "would have to investigate his dancing abilities before I judged whether or not he was a brutha." [HERE]


3) Then Obama becomes the actual self-identified first black president, but Bill Clinton would not accept it. [HERE]

While campaigning for Hillary, Bill Clinton attempted to downplay the fact that Barack Obama was the first black president, suggesting to the audience that every one  is “100 percent from sub-Saharan Africa.”

Now, per a scientific google search: We all start as a generic embryo. You have a set of male or female sex chromosomes, but the distinction doesn't kick in until your hormones enter the picture, he explains. Without hormones like testosterone, you would stay on the path to womanhood.

Therefore, using Bill Clinton's own logic - George Washington was the first female president.

IN CONCLUSION: Bill Clinton may have had his "first black president" title stripped from him, but at least he will be recognized as the first male First Lady. At least he can hang his hat on that...

or can he? Speaking of hanging your hat on it...

and will Hillary REALLY be the first woman when she wins? You have witnessed Barack's throwing ability, right?

What Would Dory Say

Help me! Fish peers out from inside a jellyfish in one-in-a-million shot
(yes kids, I added Dory)

For those unaware, Dory is the "friendly-but-forgetful blue tang fish" from the Finding Nemo cartoon. The sequel "Finding Dory" is in theaters June 17th.

UPDATE: A half-digested Dory has been found in the belly of a large Jelly.

"I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my Squishy."

I don't know about you, but this election cycle has me feeling like that poor fish in the belly of the beast.

The Trial of Bud, the dirty-mouthed Parrot

Did parrot repeat dead man's final words?

A Michigan man’s wife is now a suspect in his May 2015 murder, newly obtained police reports show, and a winged witness may have heard the dead man’s final plea. An African grey parrot might’ve overheard Martin Durham as he pleaded with his shooter before the killer pumped five bullets into Durham’s body. The bird, Bud, was heard saying “Don’t f------ shoot” in a video taken shortly after Durham’s death, WOOD reported. “That bird picks up everything and anything, and it’s got the filthiest mouth around,” Duram’s mom, Lillian Duram, told WOOD.

Next, on Court TV, The People versus Bud, the African grey parrot. 

My name is DaBlade, I am an attorney at blog and representing my client, Bud the parrot. I am doing this pro bono, unless you count my retainer fee of a box of Ritz Crackers. I am giving him a cross examination after the prosecution just tore him a new tail feather.

BUD: I believe you mean to say that you will be "redirecting"... not a cross examination. I am your fu&*ing client you dumbass! RAAAWK!

ME: Fine! Redirecting. And your honor, I'd like the court to consider my filthy-mouthed African grey parrot a hostile witness!

BUD: Why does everybody call me that sh*t? What's race got to do wit it bro!? And that's racist... RAAAWK!

ME: OK, fine. I'll call you "Bud". You told the prosecution you were, and I quote, a "pretty bird." WERE YOU LYING THEN, OR ARE YOU LYING NOW! ANSWER THE QUESTION! I WANT THE TRUTH!

BUD: Really!? You want me to go there, dipsh*t?

ME: Let's cut to the chase. Where were you on the night in question when Mr. Durham was murdered?

BUD: I was in my cage drinking, like I am every night. If you don't believe me, ask that other parrot in the small glass mirror in my cage... crazy fu*&er watched me all night!

ME: Watch the language, Bud. Then what happened?

BUD: Glenna sat down on the couch next to Martin as he was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' he said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started... RAWK!

GLENNA: I OBJECT!

JUDGE: On what grounds?

GLENNA: That dirty bird is lying through his beak! I was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror and I said to Martin, "I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
Compliment." And then Bud the parrot says, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

ME: And that's when you started choking my client, Bud? And Martin intervened on Bud's behalf before you shot him?

GLENNA: YES I DID IT, OK!? are you happy? I was trying to choke the bird. Martin bought me Bud for an anniversary gift, can you believe that?

ME: What did you want for a gift?

GLENNA: I hinted about wanting something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 In about 3 seconds. He bought me a scale.

THE END

Season 4 Pilot Preview - White House Fixer Upper!

Last week, Michelle Obama gave her last commencement speech at the City College of New York, where she complained that she wakes up each day "in a house built by slaves."


Well wring your hands and complain no more, Michelle. Chip and Jo from the HGTV hit series "Fixer Upper" has come to the rescue! Yes, we know you and your husband believe that America sucks, but there is an untold number of citizens who also don't want you in that White Slave House even one day longer than necessary.

Normally, the TV show's hosts Chip and Jo "picks the worst homes in the best neighborhoods and transform them." However, in your case, Michelle, your husband and you have already taken the best house in the best country and transformed them into something hideous and unrecognizable to America-loving patriots.

Therefore, we want to properly thank the both of you by physically transforming that White Slave House into something we believe will be more comfortable to our your tastes.

 REALLY! YOU DESERVE IT!!

 That's right! An exact duplicate of Obama's half-brother George Obama's shack in his Nairobi slum!


Normally, Chip and Jo struggle to do any necessary repairs, while at the same time renovating and remodeling the subject home while staying within the client's finite budget. In this case, we decided to take after your husband's example and use the infinite resources of the National debt. What's another few $Trillion if it was used to extricate you from the White Slave House immediately!

Barack will love this open concept (in the unlikelihood you two remain married after the end of his term)...

we installed all new dirt flooring, replaced the wallboard with aluminum sheeting - all new windows throughout (see sheets) with an updated bathroom (new red pail) and first floor laundry (see clothesline).

This house has great bones... and by "great bones", I mean there are piles of chicken bones in the corner for ambience.

ENJOY!

SHOCK SURVEILLANCE VIDEO: Harambe suspect in store robbery

Chattering Teeth News - The Cincinnati Zoo has released surveillance video showing a "strong-arm" robbery, allegedly committed by an endangered western lowland silverback gorilla who was later shot to death by a zoo official while in his enclosure. The suspect on the video, identified by the zoo director as 17-year-old Harambe, shoplifted about $50 worth of cigars, chicklets and salty snacks from the store before making his escape.

Harambe was shot to protect a human toddler who had found his way into the gorilla enclosure. Many have wondered why the child went over the fence. Now it is believed the youngster was lured into Harambe's lair with a bag of pork rinds

If Hillary Fell Into a Gorilla Enclosure, What Would You Do?

It makes for an interesting philosophical question: If Hillary Clinton fell into a gorilla enclosure, would the silverback gorilla smoke a cigar and go golfing?

Or a twist in a popular meme in the wild: If Trump and Hillary are stranded at the bottom of a gorilla enclosure, who survives?... America. America survives.

This puzzle is like one of those mind experiment riddle thingys: What do you do if Hillary falls into a gorilla enclosure with no doors or windows, but there is a mirror and a table... and a high powered rifle on the concourse?

One thing we know for certain, not even a 400-lb  male Western lowland silverback gorilla (let's call this ficticious monkey, "Bubbarambe" for expedience) would be able to get a grip on one of Hillary's cankles. If anyone is in danger of getting dragged around the enclosure, it's the great ape.

A tranquilizer dart would be the more humane option that didn't really present itself recently in the Cincinnati Zoo incident due to immediate danger. However, in my thought experiment mind melt above - we have concluded that Bubbarambe would likely give Hillary a wide berth, making a tranquilizer dart the better option for rescue. Tomorrow's riddle: What dosage would you need to bring down the Hildebeast?

From the First Family Dogs, Sunny and Bo, to all of you... Happy Memorial Day!

The wife and I stopped by the local Home Depot after church yesterday to buy a power washer, deck stain and assorted rollers and accessories. Apparently, my wife believes that Memorial Day weekend is meant to be spent in hard labor around the homestead. I reminded her that the day is set aside to remember those who gave the ultimate sacrifice for our freedoms, and "how am I supposed to do that while working?" She reminded me that weekends squandered in leisure is not considered an 'ultimate sacrifice', and to "quit yer whining!"

So there I was, pushing the cart of goodies toward the exit just past the hot dog vendor. The misses must have been feeling some fraction of guilt for the lash marks on my back, as she nodded at the hot dog vendor while telling me, "go ahead".

The peddler and purveyor of these plump and prodigious redhots was a young female working alone. Apparently, she was expected to multitask as the chef AND the cashier. I placed my order for a hot dog.

I should have known she was not fully trained when she asked, "What kind? A regular hot dog or a Vienna?"

I was momentarily confused and felt slight vertigo by her question, and wondered if I mistakenly used my fake French accent when placing my order - thereby throwing her off and eliciting her question. I shook off my momentary fugue, and answered in my very best Flint accent, "Vienna, daaaaang girl!"

While she was 'preparing' my post-Home Depot feast, I engaged her in a palaver of verbal confabulation for my own amusement. "I'm sure you are aware, madame - as you are in the business so to speak - that Merriam-Webster just recently declared by decree that the hot dog shall henceforth be considered a sandwich. How does this make you feel?"

She giggled and said she had not heard this and she didn't care one way or the other.

I searched her eyes and face for tics or other tells that might suggest a lack of veracity or that she might somehow be involved in this conspiracy. Finding none, I determined that she really hadn't read or heard about this frankfurter travesty of justice. This immediately enraged me. How can Home Depot enlist a hot dog vendor who doesn't keep up on the very latest hot dog news!?

Calling a hot dog a sandwich? You might as well say the Earth is flat! or that anthropogenic Global Warming is a thing! Or that Donald Trump is a conservative!

I slathered a healthy portion of mustard and onions on my vienna and stormed through the exit, mumbling unintellibles all the way to the car.

THE END

REGARDING the photoshop of Obama feasting on the First Family Portugese Water dogs, Sunny and Bo. While it's true Obama has enjoyed eating playful puppies in his sordid past, he has yet to consume Sunny and Bo (as far as I know). No mother from Cincinnati has tossed her 4-year-old toddler over the fence and into the White House enclosure - so they seem safe for now.

A recent 'news' story suggests these dogs are have a busy schedule.
Hardly a dog's life for Obama's pets Bo and Sunny


I thought for sure they would have deleted my comment (below) but is still there as of this post.

"I like to lay on the floor with them and blow in their face. I like to make them run and chase each other.  But they're so cute, I just love to just cuddle them and massage them." At first blush, I thought this was a quote from Bill Clinton regarding the Lewinski 'puppies'.

And now, a special treat from last year...




So in conclusion, a hot dog may be a sandwich, but it will never be a sammich!

THE END II

Newt Gingrich's coat button for VP?

Another article that seems to believe Gingrich would be a smart VP pick for Trump.

But Gingrich is an ideas guy who already has Trump’s ear. Picking Newt would also take Georgia completely off the table for the Democrats as Newt is still beloved in the northern Atlanta suburbs. Newt would get a number of conservatives on board as well.

Picking Newt would do more than just "take Georgia completely off the table." His coat button could potentially take out the entire east coast.

I said it in 2011 that Newt Gingrich's coat button stood the best chance of taking out Barack Obama in 2012 but nobody listened. The coat button has done nothing but increase in torque and tension ever since - and when it finally blows, somebody is gonna lose more than an eye.

I have run the numbers (on my vintage 1970's Playskool abacus), and have estimated the amount of stored kinetic energy coiled in Newt's coat button has the equivalent punch as that of a tactical battlefield SAM (suitcoat-to-air missile).

Callista Gingrich has lived with the clear and present danger of a coat button eruption from Mount NewtSuitvius for 16 years. Popocatépetl may be an active volcano in Mexico, but it's pyroclastic punch pales to the potential of Newt's Pop-a-coat-petl thingy. Suffice to say, just put the kids in the hallway with a book over their heads if Callista calls for Taco Tuesday.

It has been assumed that Newt has been auditioning to be Trump's VP for some time, as I pointed out a few months ago in my spectacularly hilarious piece "Texts From Newt".

If Trump does tap Newt, he would do well to keep him away from the well-armored Hillary. An inopportune coat button launch could deflect off her cankle and result in a horrific friendly fire incident.

Newt would certainly help to coalesce the republican establishment to the Trump ticket. As for true conservatives? I do appreciate the roll Newt's coat button played in shutting down the government and in a roll reversal, taking Billy Clinton to his knees. But how can we be sure Newt's coat button is aiming in the right direction any more?

You're doin' fine, Oklahoma! Oklahoma O.K.

Oklahoma Passes Bill to Suspend Medical Licenses of Any Doctor Who Does Abortions

A bill headed to Oklahoma Gov. Mary Fallin’s desk this week would strip abortionists of their medical licenses and basically ban abortions in the state. The bill describes an abortion as “unprofessional conduct” and prohibits Oklahoma medical licensure officials from renewing or granting licenses to doctors who do abortions, except to save the mother’s life...

“unprofessional conduct”... now THERE'S an understatement. And abortions never 'save' a woman's life but always take at least one. But why quibble? I'd rather sing!

The First ThanksFacebookgiving

The blogosphere is wound tight with anxiety and anticipation for the answer to this trending questions: When Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg meets with a select group of prominent conservatives today at his headquarters in Menlo Park, California, will the tall and handsome Chattering Teeth founder and reclusive conservative blogger known simply as DaBlade be among them? 

Conservative radio host Glenn Beck said he was hopeful about the meeting, and that "It would be interesting to look him in the eye as he explains..."

Well, the Chattering Teeth Blog HAS NEVER trended on his liberally biased trending news feeds, and I want him to look me in my red and puffy bloodshot eyes and explain THAT ONE to me!


BREAKING!!!! Chattering Teeth News has this exclusive inter-office Facebook memo...

- MEMO - TO: All FB Employees FROM: Mark Zuckerberg DATE: 5/18/2016 SUBJECT: Conservatives Alert! In anticipation of the conservative contingent gathering on foreign Facebook soil, I have instructed the chef's in the lunchroom to prepare celebration feast of Tofurkey. I also wanted to give some strategy tips for their visit here, as I know this will be a first contact any of you have had with a conservative. It’s best to alert conservatives of your presence by talking loudly, singing songs or breaking sticks. Try to meet in groups, in established conference rooms and during work hours. Do not ever be caught in an enclosed cubicle after hours when conservatives are known to be in the area. I also want to dispel any myths you may have heard about conservatives. Some of this is just speculation on my part, but I do not believe its true that they have poor eyesight, or that you should play dead if they attack you with any of those sharp fact thingys they wield with such ease. Please feel free to retreat to the designated 'triggered' areas and 'safe spaces' if this occurs. Lastly, in deference to our guests, please use the correct bathrooms for today only. And if you happen to be menstruating, for Gaia's sake, STAY HOME today.

LIKE

Chattering Teeth Blog's got a lot of problems!

HAHA! Okay, this Trump Insult generator is kinda fun.