...and become the first sitting President to read from the koran and give the eulogy in honor of the terrorist who just murdered four United States Marines?
CHATTERING TEETH NEWS - Unless you're a democrat voter, you know that Mohammod Youssuf Abdulazeez (Moe) is the 24-year-old Kuwaiti-born terrorist who opened fire at two military facilities in Chattanooga, Tennessee on Thursday, killing four Marines, before he was given a lead ticket straight to hell.
That part is true. The rest of the story may be a complete fig newton of my machinations, albeit utterly believable.
According to shariah law, Moe's bullet-riddled body had to be buried as soon as possible from the time of death, and so his funeral arrangements were necessarily a little hasty.
However, since Moe was not a beautiful white woman killed by an illegal immigrant with seven felony convictions, obama was able to rearrange his schedule (change his tee time) to attend Moe's service and give the eulogy at the local imam's request.
While the service was closed to all but family members, this blog reporter was able to execute this deep undercover assignment without incident. Regular readers know I take pride as a master of disguise and an uncanny ability to transform myself into a different person (or camel) for each blog assignment. Sometimes I just need a fake mustache and a bogus French accent. Other times I have to go the extra mile by putting bologna slices in each shoe. It depends on the assignment and what's needed to accomplish complete assimilation. To become one with my surroundings - veritably invisible in plain sight by watchful eyes.
Going through my disguise closet, I came across my goat costume. No way, Jose'! Who needs THAT "hurt locker"?
I got to the mosque early for surreptitious entry (climbed through window opposite of mecca), and was immediately promoted as the new self-appointed Muslim funeral director - the old one was "tied up" in a nearby closet. I can't swear that I prepared Moe's corpse strickly according to their islamic tradition by washing (“Ghusl”) and shrouding (“Kafan”), but I did give him a good yellow "Gushy" and the ol' number two "Krapan" before rolling him up in a persian rug like an over-sized Golumpki.
I knew the prayer service was about to begin when folks started bobbing foreheads to the ground.
OBAMA EULOGY EXCERPT: Mohammod Youssuf Abdulazeez could have been me 35 years ago. Moe, and other young jihadists have made mistakes that aren't that different than the mistakes I made. There is a fine line between president and terrorist. There but for the grace of allah go I.
Now I wasn't there, and as usual, don't have any facts, but whoever gunned down young Moe acted stupidly. Young and gentle Moe may have made a mistake, but that doesn't excuse law enforcement and military personnel to make the same mistake by bringing firearms onto a military base.
Further, I'm told he had his hands up and yelled "don't shoot". At some point, we will have to reckon with the fact that this type of mass violence does not happen in other advanced countries. They're killin' teens, they're killin' dreams!
As president, I want all of you to know that young Moe's life will not have been forfeited in vain. As you know, organ donation is generally acceptable for Muslims, as it follows the koran’s teaching that "Whosoever saves the life of one person it would be as if he saved the life of all mankind." With that said, I will be signing an executive order this afternoon, and the four marine corpseman's (sic) bodies will be seized, sliced up and the organs sold for parts by the local Planned Parenthood.