Sunday, October 25, 2015

"The Venusian"

I 'slept in' for about an extra hour today, finally rolling out of bed around 6:30AM. My bladder is a very effective alarm clock, and once up, my brain rarely allows me to hit the 'snooze' button.

Every morning, the early routine is the same. I get the coffee started and step outside with Zeke. I've already told you about Zeke's Fetch Fetish. He is so fixated on that orange rubber ball that he waits until I throw it before he chases it into the yard in order to take his morning whiz. It's too dark for him to catch the ball, but this doesn't stop him from tracking it by sound.

For the last few weeks, the pre-dawn Eastern sky has been conspicuously flaunting three planets visible to the naked eye. While Zeke has not been impressed, it inspired me to write this Haiku that you are now blessed that I am sharing. Please have a box of Kleenex handy, as reading this may well evoke spontaneous emotional waterworks.

Constellation gaze
Venus, Jupiter and Mars
Dog takes morning wiz

Thank you.

Don't worry, you haven't missed this celestial conjunction. Per Space Weather, "The next five mornings will be equally wonderful. From Oct. 25th to Oct. 29th Venus, Jupiter and Mars will fit together inside a circle only 5 degrees wide."

Just don't expect it to inspire you to write a Haiku of equal freestyle flourish as moi'. While I would have preferred my natural talent be in ice hockey, I will just have to accept the mantle of my prodigyship for word thingys.

Which reminds me. While looking at the planets this morning, I also had the inspiration for my first novel. I will now share the outline I have so far, as long as you promise not to steal my idea.  I call it...

"The Venusian"

PLOT SUMMARY:   It's about an astronaut named Mary Watney who ends up getting stranded on Venus because her fellow female astronauts excitedly left without her after receiving a text regarding a sale on gravity boots back home. Not to worry, for Mary is a highly trained and skilled botanist. Spending weeks using astronaut poop to make usable Venusian soil, Mary is more than hopeful her crop of Roses will bloom just fine. "OMG! Those flowers will certainly cheer up this gloomy habitat," Mary says out loud to her combo diary entry recorder and makeup mirror. As for chosing a crop of roses versus, say, potatoes, the onboard computer tells her she could stand to lose a few pounds. The Venusian Diet is born!

There will be action scenes galore in my book, as the reader will feel like they are part of the action as Astronaut Mary cuts up the other gal's spacesuits to make curtains. When the water supply reaches critical levels, Mary is forced to only wash her hair every other day. I don't want to give too much away at this point, but take heart in the fact that her female crew mates return for her rescue. It was inadvertent, as they took a wrong turn at the Kuiper belt because they thought it clashed with the Hermes silvery shell. In any case, the reunion and rescue is tear-filled, as Mary's fellow Astronauts jealously gape at how her spacesuit hangs on her now gaunt frame.

This could be big. Who knows, maybe even a movie deal?


  1. That's a preposterous premise for a movie.
    NASA's purpose is not space exploration, but muslim outreach.
    Make Mary Watney, Miriam Wahibi.


  2. It's been raining for two days, so observing the celestial wonders is not an option.

    Your book is promising, but the plot is similar to a current box office sensation. If you can get a movie deal, and get Matt Damon to play the part of Mary in drag, you will make millions.

    ...and it shouldn't be too hard to make Matt Damon appear as woman. Just keep the five o'clock shadow to a minimum, avoid closeup shots, strategically place some padding, and make him talk in falsetto. After all, he pulled off being a CIA operative. If he can do that, surely he can be Mary.

  3. We're also suppose to get to see an asteroid swing close to the earth on or near Halloween. Don't be surprised if it looks like Hillary on a broom with her cankles shining in the moonlight.
    (PS: Very good Jerry. Laughed my arse off! And, Jess, SE Georgia will be happy to share in your burden of too much rain.) ~:)

  4. Thanks for the heads up on the planets. :)

  5. Ed, thank you for that reminder. Re-write n the works for Astronaut Wahibi and her climate controlled Burqa.
    Jess, I was thinking more along the lines of Caitlyn Jenner. She was just named woman of the year by Glamour magazine, so that could be a draw. If I can't get Caitlyn, I was thinking the more effiminate Chris Hayes.
    Sparky, glad u laughed. But your Halloween imagery may give me nightmares! Nice :)
    Kid, the sky show is a nice booby prize when sleep proves elusive. Plz share your haiku if u catch it!

  6. Will do.
    The woman of the year has a penis. ?

  7. Kid, yes, but it's unloved and unwanted by the 'gal' who owns it. Sounds like a punchline to a Bill & Hillary joke. BTW, THANKS ALL for making ME laugh!