The Facebook page for New Jersey’s celebrity bear Pedals reports that the beloved black bear has been assassinated.
In life, Pedals walked upright due to missing a front paw, and loved to stroll through these neighborhoods apparently in search of pic-a-nic baskets. He was often spotted rummaging through garbage cans and local dumpsters just like a good chunk of other unemployed NJ residents of the human persuasion, due to obama's economy-stiffling policies.
"Last Friday I was sittin' on my porch drinkin' beer when dis bear walks by on two legs down the sidewalk. I just thought it was some dude in a bear suit checking his Fitbit," said an unnamed Joisey source. "That is until he squatted and laid one mean steamin' pile in my front yard."
While a local hunter has taken responsibility for killing Pedals, this blog believes the bear carcass he brought may be an imposter - with the hunter surreptitiously removing a paw to fake his kill and gain notoriety.
In any case, while this blog still holds out hope that Pedals is roaming free in the NJ countryside, it fears he is currently being bullied by Harambe and Cecil in Animal heaven.
(because they're kinda dicks)
Do BLACK BEAR LIVES MATTER?
I think they do.
Meanwhile, Hiccups the clown is a clown of interest in this case and is wanted for questioning.
Be on the lookout for a very, very small clown car loaded with his bearded ol' lady and approximately 50 of his clown gang members.