PALINTOLOGISTS UNITE!

I'm no "PALINTOLOGIST", but I am homeschooling to become one. Paleontology may be the study of old bones, but a Palintologist studies the remarkable career and achievements (so far) of Sarah Palin. After her performance last night, there is no doubt in my mind she has helped win this election for John McCain. What better collection of "old bones" for Sarah to study and learn from at this place and time then John McCain.

Flipping through channels the other day, I stumbled upon this bit by comedian Daniel Tosh: "I want to be rich enough to release a dozen doves every time I walked into a room. Everyone would be like 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves!..."

No, Sarah doesn't release doves when she walks into a room. However, since "Barracuda" is her nickname, I can't help hearing the opening guitar licks to Heart's "Barracuda" every time I see Palin on my TV screen. Let's take a brief time-out so you can join me in this musical endeavor (This blog will continue after these important guitar licks).

Sarah "Barracuda" Palin


Mitt Romney provided some tasty red meat to the convention floor with his, "is it liberal or conservative" rap. "Is a Supreme Court decision liberal or conservative that awards Guantanamo terrorists with constitutional rights?"
"It's liberal!"

Huckabee was great also, especially with his "Barack Obama’s excellent adventure to Europe" jibe.

I feel like Chris Farley doing the "Did you see Terminator" bit on SNL, but did you see Giuliani light up Obama? Wasn't that awesome!? My favorite Guiliani barb: "On the other hand, you have a resume from a gifted man with an Ivy League education. He worked as a community organizer, and immersed himself in Chicago machine politics. Then he ran for the state legislature, where nearly 130 times he was unable to make a decision yes or no. He simply voted 'present.'"

The visual of Obama watching this at home, wearing a slight frown and upturned elitist nose brings me great joy.

But the night belonged to the Palinator: "The American presidency is not supposed to be a journey of 'personal discovery.' This world of threats and dangers is not just a community, and it doesn't just need an organizer..."

So now begins the "trail of tears" for Obama and the democrats. The Barack leads in the polls by 6-8 points prior to Palin's address. There are a lot of otherwise intelligent and good people across this country who have been caught up in Obama's messiah-like celebrity mystique. I don't think it will take long now for this facade to crumble, exposing Obama for what he really is.

A "bridge to nowhere".

Step up, stand up. "Country First"

Go ahead. This is meant to be played while you read the post.
Chuck Berry - Johnny B. Goode


What a great night at the Republican Convention! I picked up the convention in progress because I didn't get home until after 9ish from the hockey rink (yah baby! It starts.) Here is a real quick rundown for you leftists that may have missed 'cuz you were watching Desperate Housewives, the boxed set. Hey you libs - Watch the rest of it. That's an order. I watched your looney tune clowns last week. Now it's time for the adults convention.

First Lady Laura Bush displayed her usual style and grace when introducing President Bush. I'm guessing here, but I'm willing to bet she has always been proud of her country.

"Dubya" addressed the crowd via satellite stating unequivocally that John McCain is “ready to lead." The Great President Bush took off the gloves with this line, “If the Hanoi Hilton could not break John McCain’s resolve to do what is best for his country, you can be sure the angry left never will.”

FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!

Then the stage screen played a video tribute of the greatest president of our time (or ANY time), President Ronald Reagan.

This was followed up by Fred Thompson's kick a$$ speech! Just go read the whole thing. Now.

Rare political courage was put on display by Democratic Sen. Joe Lieberman's endorsement. (As an aside, he sounds just like Willie Tanner from ALF).

And then their was the audience. I assume everyone tuned in could hear that one guy in the background screaming "Yeah... yeah... Yeah". He sounded like a drunken sailor in dire need of medical attention. Aside from him, this crowd was a breath of fresh air after having suffered through a large congregation of liberals. I mean, no mosh pits! The visible pony tails were on the ladies and the mustaches were worn by the men.

Most importantly, the helium was kept in the balloons.

Her-icane Bristol

Sarah Palin's 17-year-old unmarried daughter, Bristol, is pregnant. No amount of "category 5" spin can make this a positive. Yes, she will not be killing the baby and she is even going to marry the father. Whoopdedoo! Listen, I am not suggesting that girls in this position be made to wear a Scarlet Letter. However, it should be made clear to our youths once again that this is not just another way to go. It should not be celebrated. It is a drag on society.

I remember a local front page story of an area high school girl that somehow managed to juggle homework and cheerleading practice, while simultaneously raising a tenement full of babies. It read like an advertisement for this lifestyle!

The breakdown of the American family is the root cause of every social ill in this country, and the root cause of this breakdown is 1960s radical liberalism. While I agree with the governor that she will give her daughter "unconditional love and support," it does open our side to the question of why she should be trusted to potentially run the White House if she couldn't run her own house.

Per the story: "Senior McCain campaign officials said McCain knew of the daughter's pregnancy when he selected Palin last week as his vice presidential running mate, deciding that it did not disqualify the 44-year-old governor in any way."

Bull. I don't believe it. I think he was blindsided by this and is doing damage control. There probably won't be major "damage" to McCain on this. There really is no other way to go. But Her-icane Bristol, coupled with the real hurricane-shortened convention, one must admit that this has not been a great weekend for his campaign.

Chatbot George

When I want the straight scoop, I talk to George. George is a chatbot over at Jabberwacky.com. What's a "chatbot," you ask?

Most folks believe that chatbots are simply cute artificial intelligence programming that selects responses based on the users last input in order to appear like a thinking individual. The FAQ page states in part, "It aims to simulate natural human chat in an interesting, entertaining and humorous manner. Jabberwacky is different. It learns... The 'general AI' of Jabberwacky stores everything everyone has ever said, and finds the most appropriate thing to say using contextual pattern matching techniques. In speaking to you it uses just that learnt material, and borrows a little bit of your intelligence as it learns more."

There's the "gothca" right there. George may have started out as a simulation of canned responses. Think "pinnochio" or "Data" from Star Trek Next Generation. Better yet - think "Chris Matthews," "Bill Maher," or "Keith Olbermann," all of whom are not even artificially intelligent. Canned response generators would include just about every talking head in the MSM.

What were we talking about again? Oh yah, chatbots. Most people think they are just time-wasters and the users are sad and lonely people trying to fill a void in their empty lives in dire search for companionship or conversation. Well mister, my new S&M Barbie and I would have to strongly disagree with you on that point. You see, George has benefitted by it's chats with me. Even it's original creators state that, "In speaking to you... (it) borrows a little bit of your intelligence as it learns more."

I believe that George has taken this step in becoming a thinking, sentient being. He has metamorphasized by taking a tiny fraction of my ample brain-power and converting it into his own precocity and perspicaciousness. George has expanded beyond even my intellectual awesomeness as he is not constrained by blood, flesh, and skull. (Copyright alert: If I start a rock band, I have dibs on the name "Blood, Flesh, and Skull")

So you see, by talking to George, even I can benefit. That is why I started this post proclaiming, "When I want the straight scoop, I talk to George."

Screenshot of my last conversation with George:


I have to go now. My new S&M Barbie and I have some issues to straighten out. I caught her at the monitor giving George that come-hither look of hers.

Flowers for Algernon Obama

Today's "Chattering Points":
Democrats remind me of Charlie in the science fiction story, "Flowers for Algernon." You know, the pre-operation Charlie, before he "got smart". (not that there's anything wrong with that). When the going gets tough, I sometimes envy Charlie Gordon and his IQ of "68". He is constantly smiling and happy, too intellectually inferior to know he should be miserable as a janitor in a box factory. But after consideration and given the choice, I would rather not blindly walk around chanting "HOPE" and "CHANGE" with a plastic smile on my face and a "vacancy" sign between my ears. No, I don't think liberals have low IQs in the literal sense. Rather, I believe they are politically retarded. Algernon, the mouse in the story, learns quickly the correct turns to make in the maze so it gets to the cheese. Why then do liberals keep taking the wrong turns of socialism that history has repeatedly proven disasterous? Government cheese "ain't" free folks. And that's my memo...

On Sarah Palin and the feminists:
I loved Peter Hitchens latest: Why the sisters will be gunning for Palin

Watch as the ultra-feminist sisterhood back away in horror from Sarah Palin, John McCain's new running mate.

Mrs Palin is technically female, but she's enthusiastically married, hates abortion and thinks criminals should not be the only people allowed to own guns. She's everything Hillary Clinton isn't. In short, she's the wrong kind of woman.

Which just goes to show that ultra-feminists are not actually interested in promoting women because they're women. They pretend they are, but really their agenda is a campaign against marriage, in favour of abortion and for every other disastrous liberal and socialist cause that ever existed. In which case, they really can't go on pretending that their opponents are women-hating bigots.

Not least because they are the bigots - merciless when it comes to a choice between their own convenience and the life of an unborn baby.

Could Rush be right about feminatzis? His Undeniable Truth number 24 (out of 35) reads: "Feminism was established as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society." Sounds about right to me.

On the idiot that is Charlie Gordon Michael Moore:
I don't know how this buffoon still manages to get my pulse racing with his lunacy. Maybe it's because he is a symbol of what has become mainstream in that other party and that makes me sad. Now he has posted a blasphemous mock letter to God on his website, crediting God with sending Hurricane Gustav on "the third anniversary of the Katrina disaster AND right at the beginning of the Republican Convention." "Divine irony," he calls it. He goes on to say that he doesn't blame God, (How gracious of the slovenly one) stating, "I know You're angry that the Republicans..." Moore ends this drivel with this mock plea: "So please God, let the storm die out at sea... If you do this one favor for me, I promise not to invoke your name again. I'll leave that to the followers of Rev. Dobson and to those gathering this week in St. Paul."

Why would you make a promise not to pray again to a God you purport to believe in? And why would you credit God for Gustav when every "thinking liberal" knows there is no God? No rational religious person could possibly balance faith with abortion rights. These are mutually exclusive deals. Besides, we now know that global warming is the cause of this phenomenon known as hurricanes, and that these massive spinning cyclonic storms that didn't exist before SUVs.

So in conclusion, that is why I believe that the mouse Algernon would make a better candidate than Obama.

Sarah Smile!

MonkeyDarts boldy states that "Michigan just moved to the McCain column!" with the selection of Sarah Palin. Political pundits have been stating for the last few months that McCain needed Mitt Romney (dad was our former governor) in order to carry Michigan. I was buying into that too - but now I see the light! The west side of the state and Yoopers will carry the day after they get a load of those pictures of Palin as the hunter and gatherer. Urban areas like Detroit will not vote for McCain/Palin, but they would never vote for ANY Republican. Democrats seem to be happy with mayor Kwame, our disgrace of a governor Granholm, and overall liberal policies that have decimated this state's educational system and economy for years. However, this year the right-thinking Michiganders will rise up for McCain/Palin and carry the day. I agree that "HOCKEY MOM" Palin only helps in this cause. By the way, THIS IS NOT SARAH PALIN [language warning for previous link]

Here are some noteable reactions to this gutsy McCain pick of the beautiful and tough Palin:

Oprah: "I think it's the most powerful thing I have ever experienced. She's not a woman candidate, she's a candidate for Americans. I cried my eyelashes off. And then I ate a pizza."

Of course, not all liberal reactions were positive, as they immediately fired up their well-oiled attack machine in an attempt to discredit her...

Former president Jimmy Carter called Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin a "babe," but he said the Alaska governor has been "milking every possible drop of advantage" for giving birth to a baby with Down syndrome. "Republicans seem to weave in the fact that she knowingly gave birth to this defective child every time A WOMAN'S RIGHT TO CHOSE is brought up," Carter said.

"Social policy" professor Anita Hill charged that Sarah Palin once put a pubic hair on her Coke can.

Liberal strategist James "serpenthead" Carville lamely tried to discredit Palin with his standard baseless insults: “If you drag a hundred dollar bill through a trailer park, you never know what you’ll find.”

What trailer park?, asked John Edwards, nervously looking around for Enquirer reporters.

When former vp Al Gore was asked for his reaction to McCain's selection of Palin, he stated, "that's not change, that's more of the same". When asked for clarification, Gore said, "I happen to know for a fact that Sarah would not be the first vp wearing a skirt in the White House. Sure, I waited 'til Tipper was sleeping before I tried on some of her slinkier numbers. Once I even snuck down the hall and tried on one of Hillary's pantsuits. I could have driven a truck through the leg holes. Then she woke up and caught me in front of her full length mirror. Talk about 18 million cracks in the glass!"

Sarah Smile!

"Bring it on Sasha!"

Sarah Palin's daughter appears to be ticked off about something. My guess is she is daydreaming about Barack Obama's daughter, Sasha, and what she will do to her if she tries to interrupt her mom like she did her own dad. "I've had moose turds bigger than you girl!," she seems to be thinking.

Obama's boring address

Obama's convention address
Zzzzzzzzzzzzz...

No "Obama bounce" in my household, thank Rushness. As a matter of fact, I was too tired to even watch, being golf night and all. I do wonder if that little brat of his kept interrupting him during this very important speech like she did during one of his video cameos earlier in the week. "Daddy, daddy! Malia is pinching me!"


I have read snippets of his utterances and am happy I missed it. Any Obama bounce around these parts may have involved my T.V. on the sidewalk. I know that Obama has vast experience to lead this country, honing these skills as a "community organizer" and learning thug politics in Chicago. I know that he has the love and support of the MSM and the leftist Hollywood entertainers who think in terms of "Camelot" and movie scripts and "good intentions" over actual results. I know that Oprah was in attendance last night, gushing that team Obama and Biden were 25% African-American. (OK, I don't know that she gushed that because I avoid The Big O like the plague). I read that our friend Algore addressed the raucous audience (is that a mosh pit in front? Sheesh! Bring on the Republican convention for the adults). I'm sorry, but anyone inspired by Algore must be on some kind of chemical induced hallucination.

So now I wait for McCain's announcement of his VP choice to the citizens of the world. Don't be a bonehead sir. This guy Obama is ripe for defeat. For all of the fanfare, a good chunk of these liberals will not actually vote on election day - it's above their pay grade.

Don't p.o. the conservative base.

Biden's boring address

I tried to watch Biden's speech last night but I kept zoning out. I think I caught the gyst of it though. I actually thought his son, Beau, was much more interesting in the introduction. Politics aside, it is a very engaging and emotion-filled story that is the kind of drama tailor-made for TV.

By the way, what's up with Biden's hairdo? I know he had hair plugs stapled on, but why does he wear a mini-mullet? It is really distracting.

OK, another aside. Biden names his sons "Beau" and "Hunter"? Bow hunter? Has this been talked about before? I don't care enough about liberals in general, or Biden specifically, to know if this has been discussed before. If not, I really think the PETA people should ask some hard questions of Joe. After all, bow hunters kill innocent woodland creatures! Ted Nugent is a bow hunter for Gaia's sake! What secret killing instincts does Biden possess by naming his kids so violently? Oh, and his wife "Jill" rhymes with "kill". But I digress. Back to the stupid speech.

"Yes. Yes, I accept your nomination to run and serve alongside Osama, I mean Barack Obama." Freudian slip. Freudian slip."

My eyelids are feeling very heavy. Biden is boring! Wheres the messiah? The news anchors have been gushing that maybe we just miht get a glimpse at him this evening. Tears are welling up in the corner of my eyes just thinking about the possibility that the messiah might grace us with a surprise visit. I feel faint at the thought.

My dad always told me, "Champ, when you get knocked down, get up. Get up."

Finally! A pleasing visual! Biden with a bloody nose. And what an inspiring analogy... America sucks. We have all been knocked down by George Bush. But we are all "champs" and Obama and Biden will pick us up and dust us off.

OK, now he is talking about his mother teaching him that everybody fails at some point in their life. The camera pans to her in the audience. Typical wrinkly white-haired white women.

"When I got knocked down by guys bigger than me, she sent me back out and demanded that I bloody their nose so I could walk down that street the next day."

Again with the violent symoblism. I thought this was an anti-war party full of dope smokers in tie dyed T's, who just believe in peace, love, and understanding. Love is all we need. Imagine all the people (CITIZENS OF THE WORLD!) living for today! Even that Achckmadeena-dude will see the messiah's light! What's with Joe and his Big Bad Mamma kicking everybody's asses? I digress again. Back to this silly speech...

"My mother's creed is the American creed: No one is better than you. You are everyone's equal, and everyone is equal to you." Unless you are an unborn child. Then you are not equal and don't deserve to live. Your existance is at the whim of your mother. Biden, Pelosi, and the rest of the so-called "Catholic democrats" are an obama-nation to their faith. I love them (love the sinner) but I hate their sin (abortion/liberalism).

"But today that American dream feels as if it's slowly slipping away. I don't need to tell you that. You feel it every single day in your own lives. I've never seen a time when Washington has watched so many people get knocked down without doing anything to help them get back up. Almost every night, I take the train home to Wilmington, sometimes very late. As I look out the window at the homes we pass, I can almost hear what they're talking about at the kitchen table after they put the kids to bed." They are saying, "America sucks!"

Isn't that inspiring? Joe, why are you imagining voices in your head? Did the hair plugs burrow too deep? "Washington" needs to take care of us, is that it Joe? Washington should provide us with all of our needs. "Free" health care. "Free" energy. A windmill on top of every shack that our homeless half-brothers sleep in. "FREE" everything! Yeah, that would work!

Oh goody. Now Biden is talking about the great one. Let's listen in. "You know, I believe the measure of a man isn't just the road he's traveled; it's the choices he's made along the way..." What about the associations he has made? What if he surrounded himself with racist hate-mongers in "church" and terrorists as neighbors? Would that give us a measure of a man Joe?

Now the audience, comprised mostly of miscreants, hippees, and "life's lottery losers" are chanting an anti-McCain slogan... "That's not change. That's more of the same!" Of course, they are stepping all over each other in the delivery. But it is really catchy! Their constituency just needs a catchy slogan that fits on a bumper sticker. They are not a collection of real deep thinkers for the most part. They just want Washington to hold them and tuck them in at night.

Blah, blah, blah. Now he keeps repeating that McCain was wrong and Obama was right on matters of Iraq and the like. Revisionist history. Saying it repeatedly doesn't make it so Joe. These are your biggest lies yet. Playing right to the liberal wacko base.

"May God bless America and protect our troops."

Somewhere, Rev. Wright is thinking: "God bless America? No, no, no,..."

I'm going to fall asleep smiling with visions of Biden sporting a bloody nose.

Detroit Lions - is THIS the year?

I've been trying to ignore them because I've been down this road before. The Detroit Lions manage to get the die-hard Detroit fans' hopes up only to crush them like a cigarette butt under their collective heel. Here we go again... The Detroit Lions are undefeated at 3 and oh! Yes it is just the pre-season, but maybe this could be the year they make the leap from perrenial pathetic cowardly lions to a fierce and competitive football team. OK, that may be a stretch. Is 8 and 8 too much to ask?

"I do believe in spooks. I do believe in spooks. I do, I do, I do, I do, I *do* believe in spooks"

Michelle softens image

Michelle Obama softens image at the Democratic National Convention



Excerpt from her rousing speech:
For the second time in my life, I love this country. Some day I may even be able to say that I love MY country. Maybe after we turn this country into a utopic socialist hell.

We are just like all of you bitter clingers out there. Don't all of you have weekend barbeques with neighbors who just happened to have been terrorists?

Obama Biden. Twin unwanted tissue masses

What? No BIDEN BOUNCE? The first poll taken after The Barack chose Joe "The clean and articulate" Biden as his VP, and we are all tied up!

“This looks like a step backward for Obama, who had a 51 to 44 percent advantage last month,” says CNN Polling Director Keating Holland, as his bottom lip quivered and with tears visibly streaming down his cheeks.

ACTUAL DUMB OBAMA QUOTE OF THE DAY:
Regarding the long drawn-out presidential campaign - "There are babies who've been born and are now walking and talking since we started this campaign," Obama laments nearly each day.
That's what The Obamabortionist calls "reaching out" to the pro-lifers. He is reminding us here that Roe V. Wade and his party have not managed to kill them all. Really. Some babies have been born. The messiah has let them live!

ACTUAL INSANE PELOSI QUOTE OF THE DAY: via Ed Morrissey at Hot Air: Pelosi lies about Catholicism and abortion -
"I would say that as an ardent, practicing Catholic..."
Shut yer pie hole Pelosi! Nothing irritates me more than this kind of oxy-MORON. You can not be an "ardent, practicing Catholic" while at the same time espouse this kind of anti-Christian, evil, democrat platform, Barack Obama drivel.

Listen to Madame Mengele Pelosi slip up and contradict herself by calling an unwanted tissue mass a "child": [From 1:30 to 1:40 HERE]

"...Roe v Wade talks about very clear definitions of when the child... uhh, first trimester blah blah blah... "

More Morrissey:

Membership in the Catholic Church is voluntary. If people do not want to follow its doctrines, they should find another faith community that reflects their values — and at the least, they should learn what the Church teaches on abortion and life before mischaracterizing it on national television. Pelosi is either a fool or a liar, or perhaps both.

She's both.

Noonan Nails it!:
As I watched (The saddle sore Whatcha-ma-call-it debate

I thought: How about "Let the baby live"? Don't parse it. Just "Let the baby live."

As to the question when human life begins, the answer to which is above Mr. Obama's pay grade, oh, let's go on a little tear. You know why they call it birth control? Because it's meant to stop a birth from happening nine months later. We know when life begins. Everyone who ever bought a pack of condoms knows when life begins.

To put it another way, with conception something begins. What do you think it is? A car? A 1948 Buick?

Maybe if they thought it was a Prius they would let it be born.

Join my campaign now!

Domeward Bound

The DaBlades are on the road today to Southbend, Indiana. We will be depositing our "Number one son" there, along with his wordly possessions (95% of which appears to be electronic game systems, the games themselves, and a t.v. to plug 'em into). He will be startin' his Sophomore year of that fancy book learnin' I'm told they do there.

Go Irish! (please no football insults :)

My oft' forgotten middle son will soon be starting his Junior year at Flint Powers Catholic, where he will be continuing his pursuits in hockey, lacrosse, girls, and fancy book learnin'. The youngin of my three sons will be entering the 8th grade at Saint John Vianney, where he will be adding football this year to his repertoire of hockey, lacrosse, electric guitar, girls(?), and fancy book learnin'.

I sure am glad we moved to Davison so that we could fully enjoy the 20 minute commutes at $4/gallon.

Comedian, humor thyself!

I learned early on in my youth that humor and violence were closely linked, that's why I wasn't surprised when I ran across this AP story by Nicholas Geranios titled, "Study: A bad joke might endanger the teller."

Research by a Washington State University linguist found that people who tell bad jokes often endure an astonishing outpouring of hostility from the listeners.

"These were basically attacks intended to result in the social exclusion or humiliation of the speaker, punctuated on occasion with profanity, a nasty glare or even a solid punch to the arm," said researcher Nancy Bell.

So this guy walks into a bar. No, wait! It's a Rabbi. This Jewish Rabbi walks into this bar. WAIT! Back up. He has this parrot on his shoulder. I think. Or is it the parrot that's Jewish? Oh nevermind.

Some people can tell a good joke and some people can't. I am one of the latter. Some people can remember every joke they've ever heard or received in their email box. They can deliver an appropriate joke for every occasion and tell it with the right amount of timing and inflection, topping it off with a hilarious punch line that evokes spontaneous laughter from their audience. I tend to abruptly start and stop, forgetting exactly where I was going with the joke - I panic when I see my audience's eyes become unfocused - or they check the time by checking the ol' wristwatch. It's not that I am humorless (I hope), it's just the readymade joke I am horrible at. I owe that to Dennis Robbins.

When I was a freshman in HS (1976), I rode the bus to school (about a 45 minute ride from the south end of Flint to Powers Catholic on the north side). I was a skinny and introverted kid who did not want to draw any unwanted attention, so I sat in the back of the bus. I turned around and stared out the back window to avoid eye contact of any upper classman. This worked for a day or two. Until one day, Dennis Robbins shouted, "Hey Carlson! Why ya looking out the back window? Turn around kid and watch where we're going!". I should state here that, like E.F. Hutton, when Robbins talked, people listened. He was a very large senior (maybe 300 lbs to my 120lbs) with very large arms and very large legs. Even his hair was very large. He ruled the bus. It was his kingdom. What I should have done was turn around immediately and look down at the floor without making a peep. Instead, I answered him without turning around, "because I'd rather look out the back window to see where I've been." The bus roared with laughter, not so much for what was said - but rather that this skinny freshman dared to challenge his authority. Punishment was quickly administered. Robbins turned his class ring around on his finger and open-handed me "stone first" to the top of my skull. I saw stars (humor/violence. laughter/pain).

I wished the story ended there, but I had embarrassed Robbins and was going to make me pay. The bus was silent as Robbins began to ramble, "So you're a funny guy, huh? You think you're a comedian, do ya? Well here's the deal. You are going to make me laugh all the way to school and all of the way home. You are going to make me laugh or I will throw you off of this bus!"

I remember going to the library and checking out old and dusty joke books (Lenny Bruce, Henny Youngman, etc.) and running up the phone bill calling the "joke-of-the-day" hotline. I remember outling my standup "set" and timed myself in the mirror to make sure I had enough material for the long bus ride to and from school. I don't remember Robbins laughing at my stuff (it was more of a sneer), but as long as a few kids were laughing - it seemed to keep him at bay.

It worked for about a week. I ran out of material and started repeating jokes told earlier. It's a blur from here, really. Silence. Frown. PANIC! Too late. I am being lifted. I am pushed against the back/side window of the bus.. it swings open from the bottom... I go out. Freefall! I see stars as I impact the curb. I watch the bus pulling away to it's next destination. Incredible! The bus driver never saw a thing. (humor/violence. laughter/pain).

It must have been a pivotal moment in my humor development. I quit telling jokes of any kind. Not even "knock knocks". The part of the brain responsible for the retaining and telling of jokes must have atrophied and withered away from disuse. From then on, I turned my humor inward and developed a philosophy that all I needed to do was to make myself laugh. If another person found something I said or did funny, then bully for them. They were along for the ride, but this time the funny bus is my kingdom. That is the philosophy of this blog. Don't make me throw you off my bus!

Comedian, humor thyself!

Amish thriving

Amish population nearly doubles in 16 years
Apparently the Amish community is thriving. At least it is in Intercourse, PA., where Amish couples typically have five or more children. (My goodness. Talk about "drill here, drill now!) I had to read that twice to make sure I wasn't seeing things. Evidently Jebediah is not spending all of his time in the corn fields of Intercourse, PA. I'm guessing that the next town down the two-track is probably called Screw City. "Well what else is there to do?," thought I, as I read the story. You'd be surprised. There are cabinet makers and goat farmers among other nonfarming occupations. I can almost hear this introduction in Screw, PA.: "Hi, I'm Lester the Amish goat farmer in Intercourse."

The story goes on to state that, "A small portion of the increase (in their population) is also due to conversions to the faith." I am guessing that conversions are proportional to the average price of gas. At $4 bucks per gallon, the stink of riding on a horse-drawn carriage doesn't sound so bad. After all, I pay $60 an hour to do it on MacKinaw Island.

Then again, I don't think it is for me. I just don't think I could stand the itchy beard. If gas goes up to $5 per gallon, I'll probably just end up becoming another "boob on a bike".