Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Trump Would Nominate Giant Tortoise for High Court

Donald Trump told DaBlade from Chattering Teeth News that Jonathan, a 183-year-old "wise" Seychelles giant tortoise, would be a “phenomenal” Supreme Court justice.

Jonathan currently resides on the island of St Helena where many believe he is possibly the oldest known living land animal (apparently narrowly beating out Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg for the honors).  He is reported to be blind from cataracts, has lost his sense of smell, but still has excellent hearing.

Some have criticized Trump for this endorsement, most notably Ted Cruz, who has issued warnings that we are one judge away from abortion on demand, the removal of our Second Amendment rights, limiting free speech, and erasing our religious freedoms.

Jeb Bush's campaign responded with this statement, "Our freedoms hang by a thread and Trump wants us to put our trust in a 184-year-old reptile? And he calls ME 'low-energy'"?

Trump tweeted: Remember, it was the Republican Party, with the help of Conservatives who gave us judges without a track record so that they would glide through the confirmation process, and that ultimately disappointed us. Jonathon might be a lot of things, but he has a 183 year track record, that I will tell you. That I will tell you.

Trump was then informed by his handlers that Jonathan was already likely at the end of his lengthy lifespan, and if he wanted his court appointment to have a longer historic impact - then he should appoint someone a little younger.

After reviewing the short list of potential picks, Trump now promises to pack the court with a mess of ocean quahog, a species of edible clam with a longevity as high as 500 years. Trump stated, "If the clams come down with a decision I don't like, it won't be me who is steamed.  I'll just grab a bib. That I will tell you."


  1. thank you sir. I try to do a jonathan update at least once a year. the ol' boy is going strong.

  2. That would be better than both of obama's picks combined.

  3. I'm on team Jonathan. Anything would be better than Hill or Bern.

  4. Kid, scientists believe there are Atlantic sponges as old as 10,000 years. If you really wanted to impact the court for a loooong time, these sponges should be considered. Of course, they have no brain function as we know it, and the 3 females (and Suter) already fill this niche on the court.

  5. I'm all for putting sponges on the Supreme Court. All items taken up by the court would simply languish in eternity or return to the state(s) to be resolved. That would be a much better solution. Those judges are voted in and out, and states with totally unqualified libtard homosexual moron chicks and guys can be avoided by those with even a modest supply of brain cells.

    The real answer is give some number of Northern states to the libtards, promising them free everything, then the rest of us occupy the southern states, slam the borders shut, thumb our nose at them, screaming Na na na naaa naa, we lied ! Don't call us we'll [not] call you. Entitlements in our new country will be reserved for bona fido physical or mentally handicapped and retired persons. If ya don't want to work, you gotta move North and live with the undead.

  6. I like the plan in theory, but as a Michigander it would be impossible for me to relocate. I see everything north of West Branch, MI in the Lower Peninsula - all the way north and over the Mighty Mackinaw Bridge and to include the entire UP - as God's country. They can't have it without a fight.