Are you tired of your neighbors lawn being green and plush while you can't even pronounce it? "
Gleen and prush, gleen and prush..." Does his lawn look and smell like a freshly mown fairway at Augusta National, while yours smells like a toxic dump and looks like a barren desert nuclear testing ground wasteland?
Hi, Billy Mays here for the world’s greatest lawn care secret, 11-year-old sixth-grader named Frank from Virginia.
You've tried all the fertilizer methods your daddy taught you, but nothing much seems to grow any more over the scattered remains of your uncles, cousins or random prison camp dead. And when something does take root between the cement bunkers and missile launch sites, it just seems to be patches of random weeds sprouting from an otherwise bald dome. Sure, it looks great on you (**harumph***) but not on your lawn.
Whether you’re a fat and squatty despot dictator, or a stay-at-home mom, you deserve a gleen... errrr, a green and plush lawn the envy of your neighbors on the other side of the barbed wired DMZ.
Call now and this 11-year-old sixth-grader named Frank from Virginia will not only get your lawn growing again, but he will throw in the first mow job for free. But that’s not all.
Call right now and we’ll double the offer and send President Trump to walk along side Frank, occasionally tousling his hair and motivating him to do his very best work. Just pay separate shipping and handling.
Ask our operators about how to how to have the United States "nuclear winterize" your lawn, by not shutting yer yapper!
Here’s how to order.