My hammer controversy just keeps getting worse ever since I made this FaceBook post a few days ago:
Full disclosure . I only carry one hammer for convenience, rather than one hammer for work and my separate personal hammer. I hope this doesn't cause an issue. as an underwriter, I rarely have official need for a hammer, but desire one numerous times per day.
When my friend Ed commented this: "You can have two hammer heads on one handle. One personal and one for work."
I initially discounted his suggestion, but then I saw THIS.
UNITED NATIONS — Reclusive conservative blogger known as DaBlade from Chattering Teeth used a private hammer for "convenience" but has since released all bent nails he pulled from his studio walls that were randomly hammered between his nonsensical blog posts.
I knew my troubles were just beginning. I was not aware of the need for a permit to carry a concealed hammer in my pants.
Looking back, it would have been better for me to use two separate hammers and two separate boxes of nails. I thought using one hammer device would be simpler. Obviously, it hasn't worked out that way.
SELMA, Ala - The day after President Obama delivered an incoherent speech commemorating the 50th anniversary of the famous civil rights march, Obama causes his own "Bloody Sunday" at the Selma Golf and Country Club.
"It all started when the president did his 'jog-pimp' up to the first tee box already occupied by 4 club members getting ready to tee off," said the group's pimple-faced teenage golf caddy.
"The president yells 'HANDS UP, DON'T SHOOT!' and'I'M THE SLAVE WHO BUILT THE WHITE HOUSE!' just as Bob was completing his swing and causing his drive to hook through the clubhouse picture window."
Apparently, the president's confusion was a result of Daylight Savings Time, and his forgetting to set his clock ahead one hour. When reminded of the time change, obama held up a mini golf pencil and his phone, and issued an Executive Order delaying Daylight Savings Time for the Selma Country Club grounds until after his golf round was completed. He then got on his phone with the DOJ and ordered that corruption charges be filed against all four white golfers at the first tee box.
I don't know about you, but With the economy in shambles, the unemployment rate over 8% (even with funny math) and With over $5 trillion dollars in new Obama debt - I take great comfort in the knowledge that... SOMEHOW, SOMEWHERE, a team of genealogists working tirelessly around the clock may FINALLY show Obama indeed has slave blood. We're saved!
Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus announced today that it will stop selling those cheap plastic swords and other children's light toys that have been merchandising staples for circus concessionaires since the invention of the battery operated incandescent lightbulb.
This Chattering Teeth reporter caught up with circus CEO, Hiccups the clown, in his trailer in order to determine just WTF he is thinking. Here is that exclusive interview.
BLADE: First off, thank you for doing this.
HICCUPS: Just make it quick. I only opened the trailer door because I thought you were the bearded lady, my scheduled massage therapist.
BLADE: I'll get right to it then. We'll get to your ridiculous decision to phase out the elephants in just a minute, but why discontinue concession sales of those cheap lighted toy swords? You charge around $30 bucks a pop for those items and they can't cost more than a few pennies to manufacture. You must be raking in a fortune on those pieces of crap. Why kill that cash cow?
HICCUPS: The main reason is that these concession items are primarily geared towards children, and we expect this market segment to disappear once we lose the elephants. I mean, really. Why sell kids toys under the Big Top when we expect to be devoid of kids?
And secondly, you'd be surprised at just HOW MUCH it costs to manufacture those light swords. We spend $42 Million annually just in R&D in efforts to cause these light swords to quit working on the drive home, and NOT BEFORE. If the toy malfunctions during the show, we have to exchange it for one that works, and that can get expensive.
And those sales barkers don't work for free. A side benefit is the all-u-can eat cotton candy for these dudes. I've saved some money by cutting the cotton candy with insulation, but its still costing me a bundle. I've got clown car payments to make ya know!
BLADE: Wait. If you realize that kids won't want to attend a circus without elephants, then why would the adults come?
HICCUPS: I have this radical new idea to only employ my trapeze and high wire acts. They will dress up in outrageous costumes and fly around to various piped-in themed music. One night we might have Beatles music. Another night we will do a themed Elvis act. And we will install slot machine and gaming tables under the tent. That kinda thing.
BLADE: Uhhh... that sounds suspiciously like the Cirque du Soleil troupes in Vegas, so good luck with that.
HICCUPS: Hmmm. Already being done? Well that blows. **swigs from rum bottle**
BLADE: Let's talk about that decision to pack it in with the pachyderms. Why succumb to the animal rights activists? Do you admit, then, that your elephants suffer abuse?
HICCUPS: That's crazy talk, and another example of liberal political correctness gone a muck. Nobody loves and cares for those animals more than we whose livelihoods are intertwined with these gentle giants. Not once has one of these gentle giants tried to wrestle a law enforcement officer's gun away from them, for example.
BLADE: Then why?
HICCUPS: I musta been drunk.
BLADE: Like most adults, I have fond childhood memories of the circus. The sights. The sounds. The smells...
HICCUPS: Smells? Don't worry. While the elephants will be gone, I plan to truck in piles of their feces in order to keep that tradition alive. This should draw the liberals.
Andrew Jackson's portrait has held its place on the $20 bill since Jackson replaced Grover Cleveland in 1928. For the organizers of Women on $20s, that's quite long enough. "A woman's place is on the money," the Women on $20s campaign says. The new group has come up with a list of 15 women it would like to see on the $20 bill instead, including Rosa Parks, Eleanor Roosevelt and Harriet Tubman.
I find it highly outrageous that Bruce "Belinda" Jenner did not make the cut! Genitalists!
A spokesbabe for the group Women on $20s stated that the group considered Sandra Fluke for the $20 bill honors, but felt she was better suited for the plug nickel.
"...Son, back in my daaaay, when we heard a song on the favorite local AM radio station (WTAC, "The Big 6"), we rode our bike to Cracker's Records in the Small Mall, or down the road to K-Mart on Dort Highway and bought the entire vinyl album with half-a-week's paper route profits. We would then rush home and play it, stacking our 2-foot speakers in the open bedroom window, cranked and facing out so that our neighborhood Lockhead street friends could also enjoy."
OK, maybe that was a little specific to me.
I bring this up because my 20-year son, Josh, recently "discovered" my Vinyl album collection. It's not THAT impressive of a collection, and the 120-ish albums I still have are only a fraction of what I once owned. Those things were hardly indestructible and would scratch beyond auditory tolerances, even for a teenager. They sometimes would warp so horribly, the needle would jump 3 inches off the turntable every revolution. Or sometimes a favorite album might disappear after it was lent to a friend back in 1980 and you haven't thought about it until just now... Bastard!
And I have no idea whatever happened to those large stacks of 45s, can I get an Amen!? Anyone else once have that gold one?
In any event, Josh asking about my album collection gave me a reason to revisit these and to suggest one or two for his listening pleasure.
Feast your ears, son! No more music held hostage to a series of sterile digital 1's and 0's. It ain't music unless there is friction involved, along with the familiar vinyl groove produced dirty pop, crackle and hiss.
Numerous selections from multiple artists in no particular order include: Foreigner, Aerosmith, J Geils, Ted Nugent, REO, Cheap Trick, Alice Cooper, Eddie Money, Van Halen, Stones, Seger, The Cars, Talking Heads, Elvis Costello. OK, I won't cherry pick. I also have these... Please don't judge.
I'm very sory you had to see those.
Not that I actually play an album much any more. Maybe once or twice a year I will play a side of one that's one my mind, but usually I just do the YouTube thing for convenience while I'm web surfing or blogging.
When I have a hankerin' for the real thing, my component stereo shelf is wired, ready and willing to melt my face. Behind the glass door on individual stacked shelves is my vintage 35 year-old Technics SL-D3 turntable, a much "newer" Pioneer VSX-402 receiver, as well as a Pioneer CD player.
The wife long ago gave up trying to get me to "garage sale" or otherwise get rid of this techno-dinosaur setup with the accompanying brontosaurus-sized speakers. As an accommodation, the unit sits in a far corner of the lower level, the turntable's arm in the dock and clasped at the "wrist" like a shackle to prevent the prisoner from escaping while awaiting my next "interrogation".
Maybe the reason I have kept those albums and my component setup is for the memories they conjure. My turntable alone elicits a smile just sitting there. Frankly, I am amazed (but happy) it still works. Then again, if it were a similarly aged vintage automobile, it wouldn't yet have 100,000 miles on it, with most of those miles having been traveled in the 1980s.
Ahh, the 1980's, and maybe the real reason I hold on to these vinyl relics of a bygone era, for almost all of them were purchased in the 80s. Music purchased later was either in cassette tapes or compact discs.
The 1980s. For me, they were "the best of times and the worst of times". The decade was like the month of March. You know, "In like a lion and out like a lamb". I spent the 1980s from the tender and idealistic age of 19 through to the wiser realistic age of 29. The wheelhouse of life, as it were. The decade began with my meeting my "now wife", graduating from college and starting my career. Marriage to my sweetheart, then losing my baby brother to a drunk driver, and then losing my father a year later to cancer. Towards the end of the decade comes the birth of my first of my 3 sons. We named him "Adam". The first man. A new beginning.
All of these thoughts and memories are recalled from my browsing through my album collection. Nobody else would understand, for they belong to only me. I'm sure you have your own.
Come back next week for a full recap of the 1990s, and a full dissertation on my furniture pieces from that period. In the meantime, here is what's on my turntable at this moment.
While a vigorous debate over Brian Williams' future is brewing as "NBC Nightly News", Williams has taken matters into his own hands. Last night he was spotted at a Target store in an out-of-the-way aisle in the toy section soliciting career advice from employees there.
The store only had regular ties, so this awesome Target team member took the time to help the nervous teen put on his new tie, tuck in his shirt and then showed him how to give a proper handshake and tackle a few tough interview questions! As the kid exited the store, a bunch of supportive Target team members cheered him on! THIS is true customer service - Right on the mark, Target!! Fingers crossed for this kid'z interview!!
Since this story went viral, these Target employees have administered marriage counseling to various store patrons; helped local police in an ongoing murder investigation across town and helped a University professor grade a student's thesis.
Brian Williams is not the first celebrity to seek out their sage wisdom. They have helped President Obama formulate his latest budget, and it is rumored they were instrumental in finding Bruce Jenner (a/k/a "Jen Bruiser") some cute pumps IN HIS/HER SIZE!
It's all part of Target's latest marketing campaign.
“We want our guests to see and feel that when they shop at Target, they’re part of something bigger than a transaction... and not just trying to sell you something that can be found on store shelves,” said Jeff Jones, executive vice president and chief marketing officer.
Brian Williams was later spotted in a booth at a nearby fast food chain, one shirt tail untucked, stains on his clip-on tie and his normally well-coiffed hair in disarray and mumbling, "Winner, winner, Chick-fil-A dinner!"
I have girded my loins while awaiting word from the media in order to learn if James Robertson made it to work today. After all, today is presumably the first day Mr. Robertson will be driving to work in the last 10 years, and the weather reports state the roads are covered in ice.
Can you imagine that? In this day and age where so many folks are looking for free handouts and expect something for nothing, here is a gentleman of unparalleled work ethic and character.
His story went viral and contributions were collected for over $300,000, culminating in his receiving the new car this past Friday. A shiny new Ford Taurus!
“it’s simple on the outside and strong on the inside — like me.”
And now we wait... Will he get a flat tire or other car issue that ruins his perfect attendance at work? Will he now adopt a sedentary lifestyle, gain 50 pounds and have assorted health issues because he quit walking? Am I the only one who is worried about these questions?
Why can't I read a feel-good human interest story and simply let it warm the cockles of my heart instead of worrying about the potential negative repercussions?
Do you see the glass as half empty or half full... of coliform bacteria and other toxic disease-carrying pathogens?
I'll get outraged at NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams and call for his job just as soon as our glorious leader follows suit and issues an apology and steps down his.
OBAMA: Good morning. Yesterday at the National Prayer Breakfast, in my effort to give all praise and honor to Allah, I made a mistake in recalling the events of 800 years ago. . . . I "misremembered" and I want to apologize. In fact, I've been making sh#(blog edit) up since before the 2008 campaign. It's what I do.
This was a bungled attempt by me to draw moral equivalence between those freedom fighter ISIS folks and those racists who have acted stupidly in following some Jew carpenter some 2,000 plus years later. I hope those bitter clingers know they have my greatest indifference, and also now my insincere apology.
I have other questions regarding this breakfast, and I demand to have them answered immediately.
First, I must admit I am for the separation of church prayer and State breakfast, especially with this president of questionable religious faith. For me, it's not really "breakfast" if there is no bacon in attendance. While I was not sent the menu in advance (which is an obamanation in itself), I highly doubt this mouth-watering breakfast staple will be making an appearance.
Secondly, I just assume that obama now takes his breakfast in a bathtub filled with Cocoa Puffs and 70 gallons of 2% milk ever since his interview with GloZell Green last month.
Just how big is his bathtub, and how many international religious leaders can it hold? Are Islamic extremists invited, and if so, are there enough fire extinguishers on hand?
Give to Caesar what is Caesar's. Especially if its his yellow rubber ducky bath toy.
McDonalds unveiled their new ad campaign with a commercial spot during The Super Bowl. From Super Bowl Sunday through Valentine's Day, McDonald's will be accepting expressions of affection as payment for food. Well, THAT certainly is open to interpretation.
Randomly selected patrons of this fast food chain will be asked to pay for their order with family hugs, high-fives and phone calls to mom.
Here is some free unsolicited advice, and this blog won't even make you perform a silly dance for it.
When one considers that a Big Mac contains 75 mg of cholesterol, 1,040 mg of sodium and 29 grams of fat, the American Heart Association STRONGLY SUGGESTS you hug all your loved ones (and to make sure all of your affairs are in order) before consuming.
Police said the 53-year-old Bloomfield Hills man may have been suffering from a mental delirium episode when he stripped and walked against traffic, wearing only a cowboy hat, through a snowstorm just before noon Sunday on I-75 in Auburn Hills.
This may shock some of my blog readers, but I am aware I have been accused of making stuff up in the past. The veracity of my content disseminated, questioned and scrutinized. As if my every utterance is suspect unless independently corroborated by trusted sources... to which I say, "Hey, you married me woman!!"
But you, dear blog readers, know that I am not just "Choppin' Broccoli" here in the spacious Chattering Teeth Studios. You know I take my responsibility of bringing you "the rest of the story" seriously.
Some have questioned my investigative techniques of cruising the seedier parts of Flintown in the middle of the night, but you'd be surprised what people are WILLING TO TELL ME for just a LITTLE INCENTIVE. And by "people" I mean inexpensive hookers, and by "incentive" I mean bottles of cheap cookin wine.
But I don't want to give away ALL of my BLOG SECRETS or you would question your reason for coming here (and if you've gotten this far, it's a question I imagine you have already asked yourself repeatedly by now).
TUSCALOOSA, Ala. (AP) - Alabama authorities say a tractor-trailer crashed on Interstate 20 because the driver lost control while he was pulling one of his teeth.
The Alabama Highway Patrol says the truck driver told troopers he had taken his hands off the wheel to pull a loose tooth when he wrecked near Tuscaloosa. The crash report states: "He had the tooth in his shirt pocket as proof."
The tractor-trailer veered off I-20 into a ditch late Sunday and smashed into a tree. The crash shut down a stretch of interstate for about 11 hours until a single lane reopened Monday morning.
Authorities say the 57-year-old driver wasn't seriously hurt.
I may have been born and fallen out the back of a turnip truck at night, but my momma didn't raise no vegetable!
I'm calling "B.S." on this story and suspect the illoominazis are behind this complete fabrication. While I still don't have a clue as to their motivation, tonight's excursion with my finest cooking sherry should produce inroads on that topic for later consumption (if there's any sherry left).
As for now, here are THE FACTS that I believe make this story a "FALSE FLAG":
#1) We have a trucker performing a dental extraction on his own loose tooth and causing an accident, right? In TUSCALOOSA? Really? Tusk-a-loose-a? "TUSK", as in an elongated, continuously growing front tooth that protrudes well beyond the mouth and most commonly found on certain mammals like elephants, walruses and southern hillbilly truckers? Tusk-a-loose-a? Are you illoominazis even trying to scare us anymore?
#2) We are supposed to believe the driver lost control while he was pulling ONE OF HIS TEETH. Right. A 57-year-old Alabama trucker with more than one tooth? Well smear my ears with honey and tie me to an ant hill!
#3) And then this: "He had the tooth in his shirt pocket as proof." A SHIRT and a POCKET? What, the tooth didn't get caught up in the collar or silk necktie of this trucker?
PLEASE! *blogmaster swigs cooking sherry* I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
We get plenty of lectures about not respecting other people’s cultures, but we often do our best. The Saudi leaders arrive here dressed in their pajamas and make our presidents walk along with theirs holding hands like a pair of little girls, as is the Saudi custom. The Saudis should have shown some respect themselves, and shook the first lady’s hand if they were going to go through a receiving line.
“The Taliban is an armed insurgency,” not a terrorist group.
Later, the reclusive yet handsome conservative blogger known only as "DaBlade" from Chattering Teeth caught up with the Spokes Idiot for follow up questions. DABLADE: So the administration refuses to call the Taliban "terrorists", correct? SCHULTZ: I believe the correct pronunciation for these freedom fighters is "Toly-Bahn".
DABLADE: OK. How about this... The 1988 movie titled Hero and the Terror starring Chuck Norris, is about an LA cop who hunts down an escaped serial killer nicknamed "The Terror" due to his propensity for snapping women's necks and taking their corpses to his lair in an abandoned movie theater. Would you describe this psycho serial killer as "The Terror" or "serial insurgent"? SCHULTZ: Why was the movie theater abandoned? Was Selma playing instead of American Sniper? CHARLES KRAUTHAMMER: Look, you can't parody this administration DABLADE: Thanks Charles. Doesn't mean I'll stop trying.
PHOENIX, Arizona - DeflateGate takes bizarre turn in week of Super Bowl XLIX!
Chattering Teeth News reports that the New England Patriots ballboy has been fingered in the manipulation of the Patriot's balls. When confronted with these allegations, Patriots owner Robert Kraft continued to insist the organization had done nothing inappropriate, and stated that, "what goes on in the privacy of a team's own locker room should be off limits.
After all, we gave the boy a home!"
When news broke that the NFL had surveillance video showing the ball boy taking the footballs from the official's locker room into another room at Gillette Stadium before bringing them out to the field prior to the AFC championship game, the ball boy fled the scene. He was later spotted on a nearby freeway, and led the police on a low speed chase in a white Bronco with under-inflated tires.
"I'm not surprised the ball boy's tires were under-inflated by a couple psi," stated coach Bill Belichick. "He was always confusing the pressure gauges with the meat thermometers. His gas mileage is bound to suffer, the poor fool."
Belichick was asked why the ball boy was hired in the first place if he was so incompetent. "Because he was cheap. All he requested was a little alone time with the team's balls." "Besides," the coach added. "Incompetence was never a reason for the NFL not to hire their part-time officials."
The NFL grosses $25 billion in annual revenues, yet they can't afford to hire full time officials? Instead, they hire dudes with weekday full time jobs and work for the NFL as a side job?
Coach Belichick promised to not make the same mistake twice, and stated that they already have hired a replacement ball boy with extensive inflation experience. He's currently an NFL official but has decided to climb that corporate ladder.
When quarterback Tom Brady was asked for his opinion on the new ball boy, he answered, "I don't know nuthin'. When you don’t know something, that’s all you can say is, ‘I don’t know nuthin.’"
Brady later managed to lock himself inside coach Bill Belichick's sweltering car in a Walmart parking lot, requiring a locksmith to eventually free him.
The part-time team doctor stated, "Had he not accidentally dislodged his wool cap during his panic attack, he very well might have succumbed to lethal dehydration."
