CT NEWS: I would like to welcome Hillary Clinton to the Chattering Teeth Bunker and Studio, and thank her for agreeing to this interview. Critics have called your campaign uninspired and boring. Opinion polls continue to show a drop in your favorability. You have been called aloof and wooden. But something seems different about you now...
HILLARY: Is it the Double-Buhhda sized flannel? I did hire Al Gore's image consultant from the 2000 campaign. And I have been working with Al Franken doing mirror exercises trying to act likeable and approachable. Now before we proceed with this interview, you need to get behind this rope.
CT NEWS: Let's talk about this suicidal Iranian deal. You are on record as supporting this.
HILLARY: In dealing with Gorbachez, Ronald Reagan used to say, "Trust, but verify." Certainly not as effective as my RESET toy button approach with the Russians, but whatever. My approach with Iran will be, "Untrust, and verify." See how I did that?
CT NEWS: Ronald Reagan also called Iran part of the axis of evil.
HILLARY: Then I will call them the un-axis of evil... or something. Just rest assured I will invoke Reagan's name in a thinly veiled and condescending attempt at pandering.
CT NEWS: But I thought this deal allows the Iranians to inspect themselves. Where is the verification?
HILLARY: The deal with Tehran must be enforced with vinegar and Evian rinse. *Clinton aid whispers in her ear* errrr.... I mean, enforced with "vigor and vigilance". Sorry 'bout that. I was thinking about another problem of mine.
CT NEWS: In that case, I'm all for self inspections.
HILLARY: Wash THAT server clean with a cloth! The letter "l", followed by the letter "o" and ending with an additional letter "l", but all in caps.
CT NEWS: I can certainly sense your new spontaneity and carefully rehearsed casualness. It is very refreshing.
HILLARY: I ain't no ways taaared.
CT NEWS: Getting back to Iran...
HILLARY: I have a long history of confronting bad behavior and dealing with bad actors. Look at who I married.
CT NEWS: So you're suggesting throwing large ashtrays at Khamenei as a deterrent?
HILLARY: I was in charge of putting down the "Bimbo Eruptions", so I'm sure I can handle any "Ayatollah Eruptions."
CT NEWS: You were also Secretary of State on this day in 2012, when our embassy in Benghazi was attacked and Ambassador Stevens and three others were killed by islamists and presumably while you were napping. One of your big campaign slogans in 2008 had to do with the dreaded "3AM phonecall", where you tried to make the case that you would be on top of any late night crisis. Since we now know better, is that why you dropped the whole 3AM phonecall thingy?
It's 3 A.M., The phone rings in the White House
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CT NEWS: Hey! How did you get in here? Nevermind. That's all the time we have today. This is DaBlade for CT News, signing off. And let us never forget.