Tuesday, April 28, 2020

Garden Centers May Now Open With Mandatory Flypaper Strips

Chattering Teeth News - Gov. Gretchen Whitmer has extended Michigan's stay-home order to May 15, but her Highness, the QuaranQueenie has ruled to loosen some of the earlier arbitrary restrictions on business and travel. We have the major updates and changes to your pseudo-freedoms here.

During the press conference yesterday, Whitmer stated that she would be "using science" in determining how and when to restart Michigan's economy.

That's awesome news for the home gardener or individuals who desire to use there quarantine time productively by painting a room or laying new carpet. Whitmer's science is loosening restrictions to big-box stores by no longer closing off certain garden centers and non-essential home improvement areas, as long as the shopper can successfully negotiate the newly strung human-sized flypaper strips in these areas.

"I have initiated the Defense Production Act in order to compel General Motors to convert all of their machinery and robotics to begin manufacturing these flypaper strips," Whitmer sneered to this reporter, "because, science."

These human flypaper traps are to be made from stocks of unneeded newsprint rolls and coated with extremely sticky, yet sweetly fragranced substance that will lure and entrap the unwary patron and to arbitrarily weed out every third shopper. "Enforced social distancing," stated Whitmer.

And since this liberal democrat gets to define her science, The Home Depot will begin the following dedicated schedule, based on where an individual self-identifies in the LGBTTQQIAAP gender spectrum. ALERT! There will be a gender check at the door.

Those 'at-risk' individuals may shop at these times:
Monday - Sunday 6am-9pm:  All lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, transsexual, queer, questioning, intersex, asexual, ally, pansexuals may shop at these times.

Straight heterosexuals and Republicans will have curbside after-hours pickup only (unless they are willing to queue in the outside parking lot line patrolled by scorpions, snakes, gators, poisonous spiders, rabid wolves, random mines, etc.) 

"I would anticipate in the coming days if our trajectory of climate change continues to go down and our economy is irreparably destroyed, that we will go into the next low-risk category," Whitmer told this reporter.


  1. I must admit to having mixed emotions about this new step from Michigan’s star chamber. On the one hand, as a former Chair of Save American Flies from Flypaper Association, I’m glad. Now, let’s see how humans like the indignity of being stuck to a paper strip for months on end. On the other hand, writing now on behalf of my good friend Kid who is a civil rights advocate for the LGBT community, we don’t want any gender-confused person to end up on the wrong flypaper strip. At least, I don’t think we do. Maybe all Home Depot stores should have pre-designated areas where people of like confusion can mingle ... queers and queer-curious to the left, trans-gender, truly confused, and all ethnic minorities in the back of the store (near appliances). Normal people and Republicans can just bugger off to Lowe’s.

    But it is heartening to see that her majesty is relying on science to guide her future decisions. Personally, I never knew that the Weather Channel would have so much influence in the governor’s star chamber. In fairness, however, the Weather Channel staff doesn’t need more predictive science stress.

  2. Mustang, I had no idea that Kid moonlighted "one of those". However, rest assured that the human flypaper does not gender discriminate, nor is it gender specific. It will collect house, as well as the typical fruit fly if ya catch my drift. That's not to say that your system is not without merit, as long as I (all all cisgens) are still granted access to the hotdog vendor at the exit.

  3. All I know about Whitmer is what I’ve read about her in the newspapers and on various blogs. Is it possible for the people of Michigan to have her recalled? I suppose the governor of every state has extraordinary powers, so if it is not possible to have her recalled on the basis of violating the state constitution, maybe the people can demand that she have a psych-eval. You know, she may be as crazy as a bug in a rug.

    Never mind, she is a Democrat.