Chattering Teeth News - Gov. Gretchen Whitmer has extended Michigan's stay-home order to May 15, but her Highness, the QuaranQueenie has ruled to loosen some of the earlier arbitrary restrictions on business and travel. We have the major updates and changes to your pseudo-freedoms here.
During the press conference yesterday, Whitmer stated that she would be "using science" in determining how and when to restart Michigan's economy.
That's awesome news for the home gardener or individuals who desire to use there quarantine time productively by painting a room or laying new carpet. Whitmer's science is loosening restrictions to big-box stores by no longer closing off certain garden centers and non-essential home improvement areas, as long as the shopper can successfully negotiate the newly strung human-sized flypaper strips in these areas.
"I have initiated the Defense Production Act in order to compel General Motors to convert all of their machinery and robotics to begin manufacturing these flypaper strips," Whitmer sneered to this reporter, "because, science."
These human flypaper traps are to be made from stocks of unneeded newsprint rolls and coated with extremely sticky, yet sweetly fragranced substance that will lure and entrap the unwary patron and to arbitrarily weed out every third shopper. "Enforced social distancing," stated Whitmer.
And since this liberal democrat gets to define her science, The Home Depot will begin the following dedicated schedule, based on where an individual self-identifies in the LGBTTQQIAAP gender spectrum. ALERT! There will be a gender check at the door.
Those 'at-risk' individuals may shop at these times:
Monday - Sunday 6am-9pm: All lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, transsexual, queer, questioning, intersex, asexual, ally, pansexuals may shop at these times.
Straight heterosexuals and Republicans will have curbside after-hours pickup only (unless they are willing to queue in the outside parking lot line patrolled by scorpions, snakes, gators, poisonous spiders, rabid wolves, random mines, etc.)
"I would anticipate in the coming days if our trajectory of climate change continues to go down and our economy is irreparably destroyed, that we will go into the next low-risk category," Whitmer told this reporter.