Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The new Hapifork makes me hungry

Back by popular demand, Chattering Teeth's exclusive Product Review of a new product I've never actually used.
This week's product is the Hapifork. The HapiFork is the first Internet-connected fork that tracks your calorie intake as you eat and once you're reached the pre-set designated caloric intake limit, "it sets off an alarm" and begins to vibrate.

The "HapiFork" is being unveiled at the Consumer Electronics Show this week, and I'm predicting sparse to no crowds around this booth. Some ideas fall flat, and I see this one going the way of Kramer's "make your own pizza" restaraunt.

Seriously, who is the target audience for this revolutionary product? Certainly not us dudes.

Speaking for myself, on the rare occasions when I visit a nicer restaurant, I become disoriented and confused by the seemingly overzealous array of feeding implements.

When I see a setting such as the one pictured here, I do not think to myself, "gee, I really could use another fork." I just grab the one with the biggest handle and use it on all courses.

What about the fellas with a weight problem? Couldn't this product help them?

Think of one of those 800+ pound morbidly obese dudes confined to their own hospital beds at home... The ones that occasionally need the roof removed and firemen's assistance to get out of the house. Do you really think mister HapiFork would have helped him? The vibrating fork tines would have quickly become like Pavlov's dogs and the ringing of the dinner bell.

"Vibrating tines? Time for another shovel full!"

Seriously, unless those things were programmed to shoot out like some steel porcupine needles, or programmed to inject a substance tasting like skunk ass, they're not going to be effective. Even then, the dude is just going to eat with his hands, am I right gentleman?

But maybe the ladies will like it. Even so, do we really need to plug everything into the internet for mayor bloomberg to monitor?

"Thanks for using the HapiComb, getting a little thin up top, ain'tcha bro?"

Next year's prototype will likely be be the HapiTampon. Just plug on end into your iPad or laptop, and the other end... well, you get the picture. I strongly urge my future fellow citizens to please not mix up their stable of Hapi products.

Well, good luck to them. As for me, I think Ruprecht got it right the first time with his cork on the fork.


  1. Bloomberg's too busy working on the new Hapicontin to keep the poeple of New York from controlling their pain too much.

  2. Haha! I think the Hapicontin consists of a locked door, muzzle and ankle chain.