Sunday, January 14, 2018


this is a drill...

Jeff Spicoli, of Fast Times at Ridgemont High fame, is out as the Chief Civil Defense Button Engineer at the Hawaii Emergency Management Agency after pressing the wrong button and causing yesterday's false alarm.

SPICOLI: All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine.

Sounds like a model democrat employee for the communist republic of Hawaii. I can't imagine what went wrong, but this false alarm caused people to believe they were about to die for 38 minutes. In fairness, this is less time on average that one feels like dying while watching anything with Sean Penn in it.

So what's next for Jeff Spicoli?

SPICOLI: Heading over to the Australian and Hawaiian internationals, and then me and Mick are going to wing on over to London and jam with the Stones!

OK, full disclosure. I really like that movie. But now that his boss, Mr. Hand, has torn his time card in half and fired him ("You d*ck!"), Hawaii is in desperate need of a new Button Engineer. I have a few worthy candidates in mind.

1) Baby Groot, of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 fame.

ROCKET: Whatever you do, don't push *this* button... Does anybody have any tape out there? I wanna put some tape over the death button. 

Baby Groot is an animated potted plant not named "Joe Biden." Maybe Baby Groot would make a better VP candidate for Oprah. As Button Mgr, he has a 50/50 chance of pushing the right button every time. This wooden twig is smarter than the average dope smoking democrat.

2) Fat guy in a little coat.

If the guy is fat enough, he won't even be able to reach the buttons.

3) Matt Lauer.

He checks all the boxes. He's a democrat. He's unemployed and available. He has a ton of experience manipulating a secret desk button.

There are numerous other worthy candidates who reach the democrat low bar . Here are just a few more...
So far the Ryobi 18-Volt ONE+ Lithium-Ion Starter Drill is the leading candidate for the job.


  1. I once programmed a button on the front of a machine I designed for a friend.
    The button said "Do NOt Push!"
    If you pushed it, it went to a screen that locked with a Password and said:
    "Call the boss, he'll unlock the screen".

    I had to remove the password protection.
    He got tired of having to come out to the machine.

  2. Ed, is this an official application for the position of Chief Civil Defense Button Engineer? Yours if'n you want it!!!

  3. I hope it is. The sound mind of a normal person is needed to place "Do Not Push" buttons at key positions at civil defense facilities. That way children won't be unnecessarily placed in storm sewers, unless they absolutely need the experience to appreciate their smart phones.

  4. My stepdaughter was on a sailboat off Maui when she got her alert! But, thankfully, by the time she read her texts, both messages were there...the scary one and the 'all okay' one...
    She thinks being on her sailboat makes her safe from nukes...
    And she thinks this was a ploy to get attention and money for Hawaii! Says there are T Shirts and other things for sail now on Facebook, etc., and so she thinks it was 'for profit'....!!!!

  5. LOL, Hilarious. Biden Is a potted plant.

    Nuke on the way? No big deal, just stop drop and roll right?

    As far as a button pusher to replace the Hawaii guy, I nominate the UAW guy who's job it is to push the button to get the line moving again, but is always in the bathroom or on break when it needs to be pressed. Problem solved.

  6. Jess, if I find myself lying in a storm sewer in Maui, you can bet there are mai tais involved. way better protection against false missile warnings.

    Z, Yikes! I'm not sure I would have been able to read the all clear text while curled into the fetal position and sucking my thumb (mai tais again :) Not sure the sailboat strategy is sound, but sure beats laying in a storm sewer. BTW, How can I get an XL T-shirt that says "I got laid in a Hawaiian sewer"?

    Kid, HAha! I like the union guy suggestion. Of course, a few weeks on this strenuous job will drive him to claiming disability.