Sunday, January 11, 2009

Five Steps in creating a stress-free you!

and other blog titles of false advertisements!
Step One: Organize your stuff.

These are my car keys, and as you can see, they are color coded. "Why are they color coded?," I imagine you asking. To save me aggravation, that's why. Prior to the sticker system, finding the correct key the first time was like playing a daily game of Schrödinger's cat, where each key was simultaneously the correct key and the wrong key at the same time.

The statistical improbability of me never getting the right key the first time out of only four choices is too astronomical for there not to have been some miniature black hole or quantum physics string theory at play each time.

"Huh?," you say. "What's that about a cat?"

Schrödinger's cat was a "thought experiment" that set out to explain the paradox of subatomic particles existing in all possible states of position until such time they were locked into one state or the other by observation. Schrödinger proved this with an experiment that involved flogging his cat into unconsciousness and putting it in a cardboard box. He then taped the box up and made his friends guess whether or not the cat was alive or dead. He insisted that, until the cat was observed, it was both dead and alive simultaneously (though the smell emanating from the box said otherwise). It is said that Schrödinger was not invited to many parties after this.

Listen people, I have studied quantum physics and subatomic particle thingys for the better part of my life, if not the last 5 minutes on Wiki. I have also watched most of Scott Bakula's "Quantum Leap" TV series episodes. My point is, you can believe what I say, as I think I have demonstrated yet again my authority and grasp of these very complex concepts (if not, the proper use of commas and sentence formulation).

What were we talking about again? Oh yah, my car keys.

It usually took me 5 or 6 attempts to get the right key before I put different colored stickers on them. yes I know there aren't that many keys, and yes, I tried the same wrong key twice on more than one occasion.

You have probably figured out by now that the colors on the keys correspond to the color of the car they operate. Brilliant, I know. The red key goes with the Chattering Teeth mobile seen in my avatar, the yellow goes with the Ferrari, the black is for the Porsche, and the white key operates the Mercedes. Of course, these are pet names for the real rustbuckets littering my driveway, but why quibble?

So there you have it. In a world of chaos and stress, I have successfully eliminated this irritant. One less thing.

*POOF* Rear Admiral Albert Calavicci materializes, holding what appears to be a Gameboy.

AL: "Ziggy says your neighbors are getting suspicious over their missing cats and the police want your trunk keys."

DISCLAIMER: No cats were actually harmed in the making of this blog post. The same can't be said for this guy.


  1. Um, you could also get rid of some cars ;-)

  2. "You have probably figured out by now that the colors on the keys correspond to the color of the car they operate."
    And, if nothing else, you've made it easier for someone to steal your cars...

  3. c-first I have to get rid of the driving teens and I'm working on that.
    Linz- I think I'm pretty safe there. I'd fill the tanks up if I thought that would help. Then again, I'd miss the ambient glow of the dashboard "SERVICE ENGINE SOON" light if it ever got stolen.

  4. Heh. Someone out there wants to steal it and put $20,000 rims on it. Trust me.