I stood in front of a mirror and practiced Obama's familiar speech patterns over and over again until I felt I had it right. If I was going to fool the individual on the other end of the phone call with my Obama imitation, there could be no slip-ups.
I knew I had to nail his staccato pseudo-intellectual cadence, sprinkled with liberal uses of transitions such as, "yaknow... uhhhh... buuuut... aaaand... thaaaaat... eh eh eh ya know.. aaaand" seasoned with a unique accent of blended Indonesian Madrassa, Hawaiian Chum gang and Chicago thuggish.
Getting the speech pattern and accent down was just the half of it. I knew what I actually said was equally important. I would be identified as an imposter if I didn't remember to continuously use Alinsky-speak, class warfare rhetoric and sporadic race card charges.
The perpetually tanned, sharply tailored and reclusive conservative blogger known only as "DaBlade" from Chattering Teeth was finally satisfied and dialed the phone.
***RING*** ***RING*** ***RING***
BIBI: Hello, this is Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, but if this is the American mainstream media, just call me "King Bibi".
ME: Uhhhh... Let me be clear... It's me again.
BIBI: Mister President. I didn't expect to hear from you again so soon after your begrudging call yesterday regarding my "apparent" election victory... Apparent. My election was an overwhelming landslide victory, despite your campaign operatives, money and best efforts. Remember what I told you yesterday?
ME: Uhhhh.... No, and thaaaat's why I'm calling. I forgot... whaaaat we really discussed.
BIBI: Boy, you really are a dim bulb, aren't jya!? Just remember this: "PAYBACK IS A HILLARY!"
ME: Now listen hear Bibi, you need to walk back your stated pre-election opposition to a Palestinian two-state solution and immediately surrender and withdraw to your 1967 borders, or I will go to the U.N. and push for sanctions against Israel.
BIBI: Don't try to puff out your bony pigeon chest with me. We all saw that exercise video of you in Poland last year.
How about this... I demand YOU withdraw to YOUR 1967 borders, with your forehead pressed down on your dusty muslim prayer rug inside an Indonesian Madrassa. Do this and you might not have a mysterious exercise equipment mishap, like your buddy Harry Reid. Kapish?
“Words matter,” said White House spokesIdiot Josh "not so" Earnest. What is this "Kapish?"
BIBI: It's Yiddish for: The results of America's last two elections are good for Barack Hussein Obama in the short run but bad for the United States in the long run.
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