Saturday, December 31, 2016

2017 Blog New Year's Resolutions

It's the last day of the year and 2016 is almost a wrap. It's that day of the year when we look back in retrospect on the year that has just transpired and look forward towards new horizons and new possibilities.

As for the retrospect part, you too may play along! Just complete this sentence as it best describes your year in review:

I'm another year older and...
1) Deeper in debt.
2) and another year wiser.
3) a lot less bolder than I used to be.
4) where did I leave my keys? Honey, have you seen my glasses? "They're on your head." Got 'em! Not sure why I laid my keys on my head but whatever. Now where are my glasses? "Have you checked the refrigerator?" Got 'em!

As for the "looking forward towards new horizons" thingy, I jotted down the following New Year's Resolutions for 2017.

>> I promise to spend more time with my favorite celebrities, actors and musicians while they are still alive, rather than waiting until they die in order to share grieving Facebook posts about how, "I can't believe they are really gone," or "who knew that a lifetime of rampant hard drug use and risky homosexual behavior in roadside rest area bathrooms would catch up to them?" - Reach out to your anonymous loved ones, despite a steady flow of celebrity-initiated restraining orders rubber-banded together and overflowing from  my your desk drawer. Don't wait until they're gone, people! Who doesn't look forward to unsolicited mail (or being closely and surreptitiously followed on the city streets?)

>>This blog resolves to endeavor to persevere by succinctly and concisely articulating my inner-most disjointed thoughts and macabre interpretations of the days news, and I promise not to be overly loquacious in my magniloquentness.  Always remember... (or is it to never forget) these three words?... brevity. Soul. Wit.

>>I resolve to live by this creed: Discretion may be the better part of valor, but a manly plush bathrobe is the better part of velour.

>>If nature calls while I am shopping at a Target store, I promise to always use the men's bathroom - but I will be sensitive and inclusive by leaving the toilet seat down in case the next stall visitor is a transitioning lesbian who is still saving for her addadicktame.

>>I promise not to keep emails that threaten national security on my private server in the kitchen pantry (unless we are talking personal financial gain) and to never secretly meet the Attorney General on an airport tarmac - unless a complimentary box of Cap'n Crunch is in the offing.

and lastly, I am repeating this resolution I made last year because, "If at first you don't succeed..."
>>I promise to no longer use sarcasm as a lazy form of humor in this blog because I now realize sarcasm is actually hostility disguised as humor. sarcasm derives from the Greek word “sarkazein” which literally means “to tear or strip the flesh off.” The last thing I want as your blog host is to offend the atheists, the secular humanists, the progressives, the marxists and/or the effeminates and transgenders. That's a mouthful. Let's just call them democrats. Or "freaks" if you prefer. In a nutshell, I just want the freaks to consider the Chattering Teeth Blog their very own internets "safe space".

Cheers, everybody! Happy New Year! Have a safe celebration, and remember that tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Let's fill it with fake news!


  1. I'm another year older and ... George Carlin was right. Life is like a roll of toilet paper, the closer you get to the end the faster it come off.

  2. I resolve to make no resolutions for 2017. I'm still working on the ones I made in 1982.

  3. Kid, I don't remember that Carlin observation but it is spot on. But if life is in fact like toilet paper, then I chose to be like Sheriff Buford T Justice.

    Ed, Got it? :) What else would I be shopping for at Target?

    cube, I don't make the real life ones at New Years since the calendar is not my deity. But if I really need to make one, nothing works better than an Advent or Lenten resolution. Just a pro tip :)

  4. I resolve to have more Joy.
    To Rejoice!

    1. Me too. Starting now. Hopefully we'll have an easier time for that.

  5. Sheriff Buford is good but I'd rather be like Leslie Nielson.

    and actually, I heard a very good explanation for time and old age. Time is slow for kids because a year is maybe 25% of their entire life so far, where a year to an old guy is only 2- 3% of their life so far.

    1. Loved those movies. Goofy laughs. And the time thing explains why summers seemed to last forever, ala Bryan Adams.

  6. When I was a child, and learned enough about arithmetic, I calculated my unfathomable age, when the century turned. It was sobering, and I contemplated the remarkable changes I'd observe reaching that age.

    Now it's 2017, which I can honestly say I never contemplated. Unfortunately, I still don't have a jet pack, and wrist communication require reading glasses too heavy to carry around.

    So, you have a happy new year, continue to ignore your resolutions, be sarcastic, keep your arms inside the car, and never look under the bed. There be monsters under the bed, and they can't hurt you, unless you look for them.

  7. Jess, I related to that "look ahead" to the turn of the century from our youth. It is wild - like Kid said, and time is accelerating faster and faster. In fact, I'm only getting a doppler effect as it is. And my M&P will handle that monster.