Thursday, September 13, 2018

Hurricane Florence to Spawn Strawnados

CHATTERING TEETH NEWS - We already know about the catastrophic forces wrought by a hurricane slamming into the coast -  destructive winds, the storm surges and flash flooding. But what you haven't been told is that Hurricane Florence is estimated to contain 42 billion plastic drinking straws traveling over 130 miles per hour inside the eye wall.  Getting hit with one of these bad boys would certainly leave a noticeable welt.

But straws in the storm may not be all bad news, at least according to part-time independent weather specialist (self proclaimed), DaBlade, of Chattering Teeth News.

"what is a straws purpose,?" queried 'Blade. "It's job is to transport liquid from your cup to your mouth. During this process, a small percentage of the total beverage is imprisoned harmlessly inside this straw.

I found a complicated formula on the internet dealing with the age old question of "how many dips of a drinking straw would it take to fill a shot glass full of whisky?"

"While I haven *hick*... while I haven*hick* I doan no fer sure how maney yet becuzz esperment is ongoing*hick*"

The point is, while one straw may hold a minimal volume of ocean water, how much of the storm surge could be neutralized by 42 billion plastic drinking straws? bIt's still jest a working theory. I need to get back to the experiment.

In the meantime, prayers for all in this storm's path.


  1. A straw hold about the same amount of liquid as 4 rain drops. The storm probably has about 480 quadrillion rain drops, which will require 120 quadrillion straws. That's the exact amount confiscated by the California straw Nazis, which according to news reports, refuse to relinquish their straws.

    If I lived in the North, or South Carolina, I'd be hating California's government....come to think of it, I already do.

    Never mind.

  2. The Great President Donald Trump has taken time out of his busy schedule and has fixed this storm by making it a category 2. Will he get credit for it?

  3. Jess, I have added your numbers and research to mine so that we be better prepared for the next climate nazi event. Take solace in the fact that California will one day be an underwater barrier reef off the coast of Nevada.

    Kid Bob, Why didn't he use the George W Bush climate machine that is bolted down in the bowels of the WH to turn this storm back around and send it to France? He must hate white people, who are the predominate race in the Carolinas.