Marco Rubio’s boots may have been made for walkin’. But were they made for campaigning?
The Republican presidential candidate caused a stir on the trail this week after sporting a pair of black, high-heeled boots, which have sparked snarky criticism from some of his opponents, and on Thursday, a response from Rubio himself. |
This was NOT his response...
MARCO: If you're like me, you're tired of not finding cute shoes in your size. When I say "cute", I mean a pair of shoes that allows me to do a proper Latin dance step when asked about my pro-amnesty past. This is why I always carry a concealed red rose in a waist holster.
Every time I hear a heckler from the back row yell, "Hey Rubio, what about that 'gang of 8' deal?" I can draw that rose and have the thorny stem clenched between my teeth, while executing a perfect cha-cha-cha, rumba, samba, or maybe a sassy salsa, whatever I feel the mood of the crowd calls for. Do you think I could break into a sufficient mambo wearing those cankle orthopedics of Hillary's?
After that, all anybody wants to talk about are my shoes.
Some of the other candidates have weighed in...
TRUMP: Marco's shoes are a very precarious problem. Republicans are going to have to ask themselves if they want a candidate who could end up with Hammer Toe in two years. Putin would look at a president with plantar fasciitis as weak. That, I can tell you. That'd be a big problem. Frankly, that'd be a YUUGE problem. And we know why he wants those heels, right? Marco, how tall are you? 5'5"? 5'6"? Nevermind. Frankly, you'll never be tall enough to look me in the eyes, even with clown stilts. That, I can tell you.
CARLY: I've heard of Dorothy's magical red ruby slippers, but do we need the Rubio Slippers marring the White House floors?
MARCO: I do wear heel protectors as a courtesy to the varied townhalls campaign stops sporting varnished wooden floors.
CRUZ: My communications director has tweeted, “A Vote for Marco Rubio Is a Vote for Men’s High-Heeled Booties.” I'm just happy Marco has been given the secret service code name, "The Cuban Heel". One less thing for me to worry about. I'm still known as COHIBA, thank you.
DR CASON: (turn up your speakers) I don't care what kind of shoes my opponents wear, and can't believe this is the topic of discussion while there is so much turmoil at home and abroad. I would simply ask, regardless of your shoe choice, that you wear these powdered blue disposable surgical shoe covers with the elastic ankle bands to stop the spread of germs. They come in two sizes. A "one size fits all" and the "Hillary".
CHRISTIE: Can someone please tell me if I am even wearing any shoes? I haven't seen my feet since some time in the 70s.
RAND: Whatever shoe I wear, I first put on my socks while my feet are still wet. Once your feet dry, your toes will not have the same volume. Here are the steps. shampoo, conditioner, and then a gel or mousse between the toes. THEN the socks.
HUCKABEE: Gimmee a pair of size Hillary's, Ben.
JEB: I like my shoes to give me a warm kiss. *removes left loafer and starts to lick it*
OBAMA: Those boots are the most beau... *lip quiver* the most wonderfu... *tears flow*
HEY, WHY ARE THERE GOLF SPIKE MARKS ON MY FLOOR!?
THE END
